Donald, you old fox

Just when you think Donald Trump has mined all the D-list (and below) pseudo-celebrities he can find for Celebrity Apprentice, NBC releases the cast list for the new season! Now in it’s fourth iteration, the upcoming Celebrity Apprentice features the most actual celebrities and least athletes or reality show stars than any other season. Few “celebrities” have successfully stayed in the public eye after their season ended; current relevant ex-Apprentice contestants include Piers Morgan, Joan Rivers, Khloe Kardashian, and Bret Michaels (the hole in his heart is now entirely closed! Yay!).

So! Meat Loaf? Awesome! Can’t wait for Nene Leakes, The Real Housewives of Atlana’s breakout star, to unleash her blunt style all over The Donald. Psychics–er, singers–La Toya Jackson and Dionne Warwick?  Interesting.  Potential loose cannons Gary Busey (actor), Richard Hatch (nudist, first Survivor winner, tax evader), and Star Jones (lawyer, formerly on The View) give viewers preexisting villains. There are also some surprises, like Marlee Matlin (lady, you have an Oscar!) or Lil Jon (don’t you have some rapping to do?), or country singer John Rich. And, of course, the inevitable WTFs. Jose Canseco! Haven’t seen you since The Surreal Life! Niki Taylor, can’t you get Bravo to do another season of Make Me a Supermodel? Mark McGrath, isn’t there an evening entertainment newscast you should be fronting? I do believe Lisa Rinna, Hope Dworaczyk and David Cassidy have nothing better to do.

The show doesn’t premiere until March 6th, but someone amazing has already compiled a flattering group shot below! It’s probably safe to predict we’ll see NeNe and Star get into it with either each other or someone else. La Toya and Dionne will bond over their psychic abilities, Jose Canseco will perv all over Hope Dworaczyk, and Marlee Matlin will pretend she can’t hear any of them and walk home with the prize. Well–her or Meat Loaf. Never underestimate the power of a man who will do anything for love (except that)!

Are you kidding me?  Life can be very confusing sometimes, and this is one of those times.  Now, we all know actor James Franco has been guest starring on General Hospital for the past few weeks, but did we know it was all performance art?  Blow my mind, James Franco. 

James Franco wrote an essay for the Wall Street Journal, in which he a) professes his love for performance art, b) enlightens us on the topic of performance art, and c) claims his stint on General Hospital was performance art.  I kid you not:

“I have been obsessed with performance art for over a decade—ever since the Mexican performance artist Guillermo Gómez-Peña came to visit my class at Cal Arts summer school. I finally took the plunge and experimented with the form myself when I signed on to appear on 20 episodes of “General Hospital” as the bad-boy artist “Franco, just Franco.” I disrupted the audience’s suspension of disbelief, because no matter how far I got into the character, I was going to be perceived as something that doesn’t belong to the incredibly stylized world of soap operas. Everyone watching would see an actor they recognized, a real person in a made-up world. In performance art, the outcome is uncertain—and this was no exception. My hope was for people to ask themselves if soap operas are really that far from entertainment that is considered critically legitimate. Whether they did was out of my hands.”

This begs the question: wtf?  If you have to explain it, it’s not funny, James Franco.  Why would a person do a thing, and then explain to his/her audience that it was performance art?  Part of the art would theoretically lie in how we interpreted it, right?  Seriously, somebody smack this douchebag on the backside of the head.

Unless: there is an alternate explanation.  Is it possible that the actual performance art at hand is James Franco claiming his time spent on General Hospital was performance art (in the WSJ!)?  That, and enrolling in two MFA programs and being photographed asleep in class?  Because THAT might be funny.

Ugh.  Mind-eff.  I gotta lie down.

OMFG!  Finally, a Gossip Girl Season 3 preview!  Oh, how I’ve been waiting and waiting for this!

Check out what the gang has in store for us:

WTF?! Looks like Chuck’s having a tough time being faithful to Blair, Serena’s being papa-stalked, Li’l J’s looking haggard, Nate had ANOTHER summer romance, something with a topless guy and a horse, and Dan’s popular in college and hangin’ with Georgina.  Yup, I could’ve predicted all that.

New season starts September 14th at 9 p.m. - just about a month away!  And note that new time, folks.  Looks like we’ll be staying up an extra hour later on Monday nights.

xoxo!

Blargh.  The season finale of Gossip Girl (“The Goodbye Gossip Girl”) aired last night, in case you were wondering.  The episode consisted of a series of head-scratchers and wtf-ers.  Read on…

It’s graduation time at Constance Billard / St. Jude’s!  Serena’s stoked because the end of high school means the end of winding up on Gossip Girl.  But not until after one more gossip blast!  Whilst seated in their graduation caps and gowns (ew, Serena wears her tassel as like, a hair extension), the class of ‘09 gets one more text message, labeling Nate the class whore, Dan the ultimate insider, Chuck a coward, Blair a weakling, and finally, Serena, officially irrelevant.  It’s like The Breakfast Club, ‘cept these kids aren’t interested in owning it.  Serena starts fuming and decides to take down Our Lady of Gossip once and for all.

Serena, Blair, Chuck, and Nate team up to find out Gossip Girl’s identity.  These four dummies decide to do something they should’ve thought of four years ago: text Gossip Girl a tip and see who, in the room full of classmates, receives the message (no shizz, Sherlock, AM I RIGHT?!).  Serena hits send and… it’s li’l Eric’s bf Jonathan!  Which is like the stupidest thing ever, right?

Right (phewf!)! Turns out Jonathan merely hacked into Gossip Girl’s server for funsies, and now has access to all of her emails.  Which is kewl for Li’l J, cuz the girls on the steps say whoever finds the best bit of gossip gets to be the new Queen.  Li’l J wants to end the high school hierarchy!  Homegirl’s been listening to a crapload of Green Day lately, it seems.

Flash forward!  It’s Nate Archibald’s fancy graduation party and everyone’s there!  Blair and Chuck are like thisclose to professing their love,  Li’l J’s thisclose to telling the girls that Blair slept with Chuck’s uncle (oh yeah whatever remember that?), Nelly Yuki’s like thisclose to telling Dan Humphrey she’s crushin’… but then HOLY GG BLAST! Gossip Girl is all pissed Serena couldn’t leave well enough alone and decides to blast allllll the secrets she has in one go.

Among the collection: Dan slept with Ms. Carr (didn’t everyone already know that?), Jenny had sexy pics taken of her, Blair slept with Uncle Jack, Chuck slept with Vanessa.  Everyone flips out on each other, but then Chuck and Blair turn their contempt to Serena, who was supposedly the reason Gossip Girl sent out the secrets.

Ugh.  So Serena comes up with the dumbest plan ever.  She tells Gossip Girl to meet to her at the bar, or she’d reveal her true identity to everyone.

HELLO!  Do you really think a sharp cookie like Gossip Girl would fall for something like that?  My girl Gossip’s a master of disguise (and puns!).

Will Serena come face to face with Gossip Girl?  NOPE!  Instead, ole GG texts everyone and gets like crazy deep on them and is all, you get a clean slate now, folks!  Without you I’m nothing xoxo you know you love me blah blah see you alllllllllll at boring ole NYU.  What a buzzkill!

Other stuff: Lily and Rufus get stoned and decide to get engaged after all, Blair crowns Li’l J the new Queen, Nate gets hit on at the Mayor’s office (obv!) and decides to go backpacking in Europe with Vanessa instead, and Serena goes on the hunt for her father, for some reason.

And OMG!  We run into Lovechild at NYU!  He’s going to school with us too!

And who else? Georgina!  She visits the admissions office and requests Blair Waldorf as her roommate.  Blair Waldorf living in the dorms?!  As if!

Finally, we have Chuck and Blair.  Chuck comes back from Europe with gifts and flowers for Blair, and gives her the ole “It’s you… it’s always been you” speech.  And then HELLLOOOOO! He says, “I love you, too.”  Camera pans out, we’re on the sidewalk makin’ out, sayin’ 143 over and over.  RING A DING DING DING DONG!

Le sigh.  Crappy episode, Gossip Girl, but what an ending!  Let’s just cancel the show right now.  At this point.  I’m spent!

Nah.  See you next semester!  xoxo!

Wha?!  What happened to Billy Corgan?

Just last month, A Shot at Love’s Tila Tequila was all up on the lanky, hairless Smashing Pumpkins frontman.

Now? She’s seeing Brandy’s li’l bro and fellow reality star Ray J (from For the Love of Ray J, and the Kim Kardashian sex tape, duh)!  What gives?

From Ms. Tequila’s official MySpace page:

My baby is Ray J…..and no man has made me feel so loved and so happy in such a long time. We really do love each other and I am so happy to have FINALLY met someone who treats me with respect and love. He is so sweet to me and makes me melt everytime I see him…….I love my baby……so there you have it! Tila Tequila is officially dating Ray J!!!!!! I think we make the cutest couple….dont you?????

WHATEVER, Tequila.  I can smell a stanky stank publicity stunt a mile away - I follow Speidi religiously, after all!  Two VH1 reality stars in love?  I don’t buy this for one second.  I give the “leaked” sex tape 24 hours to surface.

Eh. Tila Tequila’s old news anyway. If you’re interested in watching a legitimately awesome babe find love on reality VH1, direct your attention to Daisy of Love.  More about that later.

Britain’s Got Talent superstar Susan Boyle continues to inspire!  Most recently, rumor has it the singer, nicknamed “the hairy angel” by the U.K. press (wtf?!), might have her rags-to-riches story translated into both a book and a movie.  Makes sense, I guess; people are fascinated by this Boyle babe.

Kinda confusing: Catherine Zeta-Jones supposedly wants to buy the rights to the Boyle biopic and play the phenomenon in the film.  She was inspired by Boyle’s appearance on Britain’s Got Talent, and wants to be the one to portray her on the big screen.

Call me crazy, but I think I’d find Catherine Zeta-Jones hard to take seriously as a pleasantly plump 47-year-old unemployed woman whose never been kissed.

To be honest, I don’t buy Catherine Zeta-Jones in any role.  How do you cast a babe that beautiful?  She’s totally not believable as Michael Douglas’s wife, for one.  She’ll likely have to play an actress (see: America’s Sweethearts) or like, Helen of Troy in every movie to convince me, cuz regular person she ain’t.

Whoa! Following countless rumors that Sex and the City star Sarah Jessica Parker and hubby Matthew Broderick were splitting up, the pair comes out with this instead.  Or specifically, their publicist does.  The statement:

“Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are happily anticipating the birth of their twin daughters later this summer with the generous help of a surrogate.”

BOING!  Babies?!  TWINS?! Surrogate?!  Wha?!

This really won’t help out the Broderick-is-gay/SJP-is-his-beard rumors, if you ask me.  Yo Broderick, sorry you couldn’t muster up the energy to knock up ole butterface on your own!

And the divorce rumors?  Hey SJP, nice last ditch effort to keep your babyfaced gay hubby locked down!

Jokes aside, I do wish the pair all the best, especially since they’ve got a cute li’l 6-year-old named James Wilkie at home, and they seem totes classy and smart in general.

However - twin girls?  With that horseface and skeletal frame and those bug eyes and no-tooth smile, they’re gonna wind up with a bonafide pair of Olsen Twins.  Grody!

Bueller?

Oh, WHAT?  Now, this is just ridonkulous.

Fine.  So no one told her life was gonna be this way.  Her job’s a joke, she’s broke!  Her love life’s D.O.A!  And now, apparently Jennifer Aniston is going around telling everyone she wants to be artificially inseminated! Her biological clock is ticking and she’s got no man, after all.  Jen must feel like her life is always stuck in second gear. Time for some invitro fertilization, I guess.

But that’s not even the ridonk part!

The ridonk part is, bummer Jen’s top candidate for baby daddy is none other than David Schwimmer, a.k.a. the Ross to her Rachel on Friends!

Life imitating art or whaeva.  In case you missed the 789th season of Friends, Ross and Rachel had a baby together.  Doi.

I realize this goss is from the National Enquirer, so it likely isn’t true, but COME ON!  Would you really not believe that Jennifer Aniston lives in a fantasy world where she actually thinks she’s  Rachel Green?  She’s had a tough year, people.  Some people need to retreat into a world of make-believe or whatevs to get by.  They’re called actors.

Though I understand the logic behind bummer Jen’s sperm donor choice, I’m gonna have to put my two cents in anyway: Jen, will you PLEASE let Schwimmer’s tour end here and accept Bret Michaels’ all-access pass to his heart in order to continue rocking his world?

Yeah?

WTF?!

I’m not like a huge Smashing Pumpkins fan or anything, but I got some serious BOING! eyeballs when I found out the band’s frontman Billy Corgan is currently dating reality star Tila Tequila.   Corgan, a successful, well-respected musician, is dating Tequila, the chick who gets sexy on MySpace and bats her eyelashes at prospective suitors on A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.

Here’s what he sings to her, during alone time: “Tequiiiillllaa’s the greatest… babe I’ve ever known…”

WEIRDED OUT!

In related news: Omgah please let Jennifer Aniston give Bret Michaels the chance he deserves.

OH NO THEY DIDN’T!  WARNING: NSFW!

At the risk of sounding totally uncultured… what the fudge is this?!?!

Oy vey!  I finally understand what it’s like to care about animal rights.  Sup, PETA?

Per DListed, Jean-Charles de Castelbajac’s Paris fashion show this week featured heads n bits from everyone’s favorite characters from  The Muppet Show.  Click through the whole series to see Kermit, Fozzie, and Animal all cut up and slapped together in the name of fashion.  Thank GOODNESS no Muppet Babies were harmed.

Notably missing: Miss Piggy and Gonzo.  Could they be behind this?

Hmph.  If I were Statler attending this particular fashion show, I’d break the fourth wall from my balcony seat and direct the following question to the audience:  “Hey! Did anyone order the frog’s legs, well done?”

And then my cohort Waldorf would be all, “Well done?! Looks pretty lousy to me!”

BADUM-CHHHH!!!

Happy Friday to ya!