Believe it or not this is the cast of Storage Wars, not the latest batch of hunks for this season of The Bachelorette.

Forget bath salts, if you really want something addictive just turn on your TV. Plus TV probably won’t make you want to eat anyone’s face…unless it happens to be the challenge ingredient on an episode of Iron Chef and someone whips up a tasty looking three course serving (Appetizer:Face a-la-carte, Dinner: Open-Faced Sandwich, Dessert: Puff Face-stries). But when it comes to TV, people will always tell you the same shows are addictive: The Wire, Lost, Justified, Downton Abbey, Mad Men. You know, all those quality programs with artistic ambition, well-crafted writing and nuanced performances. But let’s be honest, those aren’t the shows that you watch 7 episodes in a row of when you flip the TV on, simply because you can’t bring yourself to change the channel. These shows, however, are. Or at least they are for me. Basic cable has cracked the code of hos exactly to keep me watching through every commercial break: cliffhangers and marathons of episodes.

5. American Pickers - This show about a couple guys digging through old barns and houses stuffed with rusty old garbage could be incredibly boring, but the two hosts make it a fun ride and make you excited about their latest find. I honestly never thought I would be excited about the prospect of finding a rare oil can, but that’s just how infectious their enthusiasm is. Plus checking out the bizarre places crammed with junk is always amusing.

4. Swamp People - When a show is filmed entirely in the USA, and only features born and bred Americans, but still requires subtitles, you know you’re in for a treat. This is a show about people in the swamps of Louisiana who hunt alligators for a living, which is pretty insane and looks horribly unpleasant. I don’t know what is scarier, the alligators or the dentistry. But when they start fighting with a big old gator it becomes pretty riveting TV. And yes, you do find yourself rooting for the gator a lot.

3. Pawn Stars - Will Rick buy that Civil War era rifle? Will Big Hoss risk buying a used ice cream truck? Will Chumley say something really dumb and scripted about whatever collectible is brought in? (yes) Will the Old Man live through the entire episode? These are the questions I ask myself pretty much every episode of Pawn Stars, and boy do they keep me watching. By highlighting collectibles and rare finds over what 95% of the pawn shop business is actually about (buying a blood-stained gold watch from a crackhead so they can go buy more crack) they’ve come up with a winner.

2. American Restoration - Every episode of American Restoration is simple: a couple people bring in really cool old timey items, the guys on the show fix them up so they are even cooler looking old timey items. But once you see the rusted shell of a unique item and hear what they have in store you just can’t help but see it through to the end. Every time they try to put in a “story” or feature the “characters” it is some of the most poorly scripted reality TV I have ever seen, but checking out that shiny refurbished item is always worth it.

1. Storage Wars - Ok, I’ll be the first to admit the premise of this show is depressing from every angle. Storage lockers go unpaid for (probably because the person is dead, in prison, or in horrible debt) and then get bid on by people desperate to dig through dirty old junk in hopes of eeking out a bit of profit. But boy oh boy is it addicting! Just waiting to see what odd treasures they discover is great, but when they happen to stumble across a safe and have to bust it open it’s low stakes suspense TV at it’s finest. I’ll also be the first to admit that the producers clearly plant some of the more unique items to spice the show up, but who cares? This show has Barry Weiss, after all, the greatest personality in all of reality TV.

Another one for the Teen Mom mugshot scrapbook!

Another season, another Teen Mom arrested! This time it’s Jenelle, which shouldn’t be any surprise for regular viewers of the show. Aside from losing custody of her child to her mom, Janelle has already been arrested once for pot possession and has been shown doing a variety of illegal activities on MTV’s Teen Mom2 , from smoking weed to credit card fraud. But police finally had a reason to arrest her they couldn’t ignore: a brutal video of her beating another girl severely in a front yard as other cheer her on. Yikes! For all those guys who think two girls fighting is sexy, please watch this video and have your opinion changed forever.

Apparently Jenelle got upset with the girl for what she viewed as “flirting” with her boyfriend Keefer. And who wouldn’t want to flirt with him? An unemployed dude who refuses to work and sits around all day smoking a drinking is quite a catch! So Jenelle confronted her, and with some pushing by her posse Jenelle finally snapped and let loose on the girl, pinning her to the ground and punching her repeatedly in the face. Only after a minute or so of this vicious display did the hootin’ and hollerin’ stop and someone stepped in to split the two up. Classy folks! Although it did seem like the crowd (including someone filming the whole thing before a fight ever broke out) really wanted her to fight (hey, TMZ pays a lot for this kind of footage!), I think her attorney might be pushing it a bit, saying: “Based on the information that I have received, I believe Jenelle was set up.” By “set-up” I hope he’s referring to the flawed education system in this country that tried teaching her abstinence only and failed to educate her on how to become a successful adult in the real working world. Because otherwise I don’t see how she was set-up. Sorry, prompted or not she took the first swing. Let’s hope her mom doesn’t mind raising that kid for the rest of her life! At least Jenelle probably has a reserved spot on Bad Girls Club once her Teen Mom stint is over.

Remember when I posted about Charlie Sheen’s live tour, “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not an Option,” and how it sold out in minutes? Turns out that wasn’t exactly true. Ok, it wasn’t even close to true. There are still thousands of tickets left in every possible seating area (including first row) for every single show. Apparently lots of second hand ticket outlets bought up the tickets and reported them sold out to inflate prices, but that trick didn’t work out. Between people getting sick of Charlie and Rebecca Black capturing the hearts and minds of the internet, ticket sales are stagnant, with many vendors worrying they will have to sell them for lower than face value and lose money on the whole affair. How bad is it? Sheen is reportedly considering canceling the tour, seeing cancellation as less of an embarrassment than playing to sparse crowds. I guess defeat is an option after all! Somehow I think Charlie is going to be making some apologies to his CBS bosses as he realizes infamy can make you huge, but our culture has a very short attention span.

Barf!  Photos have surfaced this morning of Jon & Kate Plus 8’s Jon Gosselin traipsing about in St.Tropez, hand-in-hand with new girlfriend Hailey Glassman.

Glassman is supposedly the daughter of Kate Gosselin’s former plastic surgeon.  She’ll be helping Gosselin with the children’s clothing line he’s working on with Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier, who they were meeting with in St. Tropez.

Here’s a picture of the happy couple:

Grody!  The cigarettes, the Ed Hardy, the wrap-around shades, the extramaritalness… I think they’re def in the running for world’s trashiest couple.

And think of the children!

Gosselin will be back home on Tuesday to start filming new episodes of Jon & Kate Plus 8, which returns on TLC August 3rd.

[Source: People]

Oh man.  I love this lady.

Last week on Celebrity Apprentice, Joan Rivers went apeshizz on professional poker player Annie Duke after daughter Melissa was fired from the show by The Donald, calling all poker players trash.

This week, she’s revised her statement.

Check it out:

“Oh, calm down! I said it about one person. How can I hate poker players? Did you ever look at the cards? Everyone knows I love queens. Poker playing is a very noble profession. A little-known fact is Florence Nightingale had to choose between nursing and cards.”

Wha?  I love her logic.  And her Florence Nightingale ref.  It’s definitely the thought process of a crazy old comedienne.  I aspire to that level of batty.

If you caught last night’s episode of Celebrity Apprentice, you probably feel like all those Sundays spent being bored to tears finally paid off.

If you missed it, I’m here to give you the highlights!

Basically, last night’s task was to put together some advertising for deodorant brand Right Guard.  Though it was hard to tell which team did a better job (nice work, editors!), and Right Guard execs liked both ads, Trump ultimately awarded the win to KOTU.

And after an episode spent whining that Brande Roderick and Annie Duke weren’t inviting her to their hair-brushing party, Melissa Rivers took it to the boardroom and accused the two of joining forces to take her down.  The Donald wasn’t really into it and fire her on the spot.

As if you couldn’t have guessed it, the post-firing reaction from both Melissa and Joan Rivers was priceless.  Check this out:

BRILLIANT!  My favorite part is when Joan tells Annie Duke that pokaaaah playaaas are trash.  Annie’s 3rd grader response is pretty good too: “Poker plays are the most awesome people in the world!”  Love me a couple of dumb broads going at it.

In case you’d like to watch it in full, even after I totally SPOILER ALERTed you, you can find last night’s episode here - it’s already up.