It’s a sad day, dear readers, as we have lost another one of our grand Hollywood romances: Katy Perry and Russell Brand have split up. I find this to be utterly shocking! No, not that they’re getting a divorce, that was pretty much a matter of “when” not “if” since their overblown Indian wedding. I mean, I’m no relationship expert, and I believe opposites can attract, but did these two have anything at all in common? I’m going to assume Katy was a sucker for a British accent and tattoos, yet another way to rebel against her uptight midwest upbringing, and Russell was a sucker for…well the fact that Katy Perry wanted to be anywhere near him. Come on, it’s Katy Perry. No, what I find shocking is the fact that it was Russell Brand who filed for divorce! Has he looked in a mirror and then back at a picture of Katy Perry recently? Their wedding photo looks like she’s posing with a melting wax statue of an emaciated neanderthal at a low rent museum.

Now it might seem like I’m being mean to Mr. Brand (since I am insulting his looks for no good reason) but I actually like him quite a bit. The Arthur remake withstanding I think he’s a very funny guy. And as far as bubblegum pop goes I must admit Katy Perry’s songs are pretty darn catchy. So I like the both of them, I just can’t believe this divorce wasn’t filed for the night of the wedding. Seriously, what did these two have conversations about?!

Also, in unrelated celebrity divorce news, Mel Gibson will reportedly lose half his $850 million fortune once his divorce is finally settled. I hope his ex-wife really sticks it to him by using it to fund a new Jewish history museum or something…

A still frame cannot do this horror show justice

I realize there has been a lot written about the creepy, unsettling, and at times downright scary new show American Horror Story, but I am here to tell you there is a much creepier, more unsettling, even scarier new show on the air. It’s called Virgin Diaries and it is disturbing and unnerving on a whole new level. TLC is no stranger to making me queasy and filling me with the urge to cover my eyes to avoid whatever they’re showing on screen (Sister Wives recently featured a very special birth episode that was so downright creepy and weird it made the Twilight: Breaking Dawn birth scene seem normal),  but this new show takes the cake. And trust me, TLC has a lot of cake to give out, they have the Cake Boss and all his various spin-offs to provide them.

Virgin Diaries, without a doubt, is more cringe-inducing then all the Saw, Hostel and Human Centipede movies combined. Whether it’s a 35 year old virgin telling a woman on their first date that he is a virgin (much to her dismay) or 3 virgin roommates (well, one of them “reclaimed” her virginity, so that’s a total cop-out) making up lame parody songs about being virgins, this show made me audibly cringe about every 30 seconds. Ricky Gervais, take notes. None of the cringe-humor in the original Office even comes close to this. But the real stars of this episode are the couple who have never even kissed up until their wedding day. Somehow they must have avoided seeing anyone kiss ever, because boy oh boy do they not know how to do it. Check out the commercial below, with their horrifying kiss at the very end. And then count yourself lucky. They kept doing that throughout their reception. Over and over. Again and again. Nightmare inducing stuff. And let’s not even get into their post-wedding night discussion of their awkward first time…

The Royal Wedding was last night. Or this morning. Or yesterday afternoon. Something like that, it’s a time-flux equation I don’t understand. All I know is that it played live where I live at about 2 AM, which meant I sure wasn’t going to be tuning in. But let’s be honest, I wouldn’t have tuned in if it was the only thing on every channel in prime time. It seems to have captured the minds and hearts of half the globe, but I could not care less about these royal nuptials. And here are some reasons why I think that might be:

-It’s way too formal. I want a Royal Wedding that’s set up like Medieval Times, huge fat bearded men chomping down on turkey legs while cheering for Knights to hit each other off horses and do grand battle in the name of the blushing bride. Come on, that would be awesome.

-No Nicolas Cage.

-I’m still mad my limited edition Princess Diana Beanie Baby is now worth nothing.

-Prince William looks like he’d be friends with those creepy rowing twins from The Social Network.

-No dragons.

-All the royal women look like they raided Lady Gaga’s hat closet for the big day.

-Every time I see the Queen on TV and realize Helen Mirren isn’t the actual Queen of England I get disappointed.

-If I wanted to cry over a regal ceremony in a magical land where everyone has British accents I’d watch the end of Lord of the Rings.

-I bet they didn’t even play YMCA or Celebration at the reception.

-I have the Royal Engagement and Royal Bachelor Party DVR’d but haven’t watched them, so I didn’t want spoilers.

-It looked kinda boring. And it was like 12 hours long. You could watch every episode of the UK version of The Office in that time and enjoy something great the UK has given us.

-Speaking of The Office, all my tears were used up for Michael Scott’s final episode last night.

-If I was up at that hour I’m sure there was a marathon of Storage Wars on A&E that I would find infinitely more fascinating. That show is awesome.

-Seriously, no one sent Nic Cage an invite? He has to give the best wedding toast ever.

EEK!

If the Kardashian/Jenner/Odom/Disick Family Christmas Photo isn’t a Photoshop wonder, then I don’t know what is!  Very Addams Family, no?  I think the concept is an interesting choice for a holiday card—you don’t really think of grays and neutrals when it comes to the holidays, but hey, maybe The Kardashian Klan had a tough year.  Oh, who are we kidding: this photo is insane.  The kid on the left (Kylie or Kendall, which makes her either 13 or 15, yikes!) looks like Morticia Addams, and that dress is doing her no favors.  Scott Disick, far right, looks like Patrick Bateman’s creepier brother.  And what, on earth, is on Kim’s neck?  She looks like Frankenstein bolts are sticking out of the base of her neck!  Maybe they’re not bolts, but are Kris’ claws, digging into her prized cash cow and holding on for dear life!  Everyone (and I do mean everyone) has so much eyeliner on, I’m surprised their eyes are open at all—although, to be fair, everyone’s pupils look so dilated, their eyes may as well be closed. There are clearly some dark, mysterious forces at work in this photo, and not just the makeup.

Is it possible for wedding ceremonies to jump the shark?  ‘Cuz I think the jig is up for celebrity Hindu ceremonies, ya’ll.  First it was Elizabeth Hurley and Arun Nayar (not sure who they are?  Scroll down to Tuesday’s post).  Then it was Katy Perry and Russell Brand (because if there’s any couple to emulate, it’s one of those two!).  And now, allegedly, it’s Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt sometime around New Year’s Eve.  India is the trendy place, Hindu ashrams are the trendy site, and gurus are the trendy ministers.  Who knew?  The wedding will take place (allegedly!) at Guru Gurudev Ramlalji Siyag’s temple in Jodhpur, Rajasthan.  This guru fellow helped Brangelina by way of couple’s yoga.  Yes.  Couple’s yoga to ease their troubled and stressful lives!  Would we could all be so lucky!  I bet Angie will wear red, and Brad will be resplendent in black leather, and all the kids will be in white.  Does this mean we’ll soon cycle past Hindu, like we did with Kabbalah, and on to something else?  My guess is Scientology as the next big thing (and current sleeper big thing).  Just you wait!

-This post brought to you by DIANA

As you have surely heard by now, Conan O’Brien gave his first interview since leaving The Tonight Show to 60 minutes last night and displayed 2 things: 1) He is still reaallyyy bummed about the way things went down, and 2) An interview with someone who has a non-disparagement agreement with their former employer isn’t a whole lot of fun. Several times throughout the interview a pained expression would creep over Conan’s face, or he would break into an eerie laughter, knowing that he was unable to truly speak his mind. In regards to Leno, he did go as far as to say he never would have done what the big-chinned one did, commenting that he hopes Jay is happy with his decision and can sleep well at night. I’m assuming without a potential lawsuit hanging over his head Coco would have wished the worst possible fate upon Leno: his warehouse full of old-timey cars collapsing. He obviously loves those more than any human being.

In other Coco news, some sources are claiming that Max Weinberg (Conan’s longtime band-leader, who is conspicuously missing from the live tour) is on the outs with Conan. Some are saying he even briefly entertained the idea of replacing Jay Leno’s exiting band-leader Kevin Ewbanks on his newly reclaimed Tonight Show, something that Conan obviously was none too pleased with. I personally don’t believe that last part, but I can see Max leaving talk shows to tour with Bruce Springsteen for good. He is The Boss after all.

In tiny nerd news, Robot Chicken creator Seth Green married actress Clare Grant over the weekend. No, the fact that Seth Green is involved alone isn’t what makes it nerdy. What makes it extremely nerdy is that they got married on Skywalker Ranch, home of Star Wars production company LucasFilm. I guess when you’re in movies your bride-to-be will overlook things like that in favor of the big picture. Because I somehow don’t think having Han Solo in Carbonite as a serving table was a part of Clare Grant’s dream wedding. I can only assume they are honeymooning in William Shatner’s summer home.

You know how sometimes an actor/actress so perfectly embodies a role that you can’t help but think: “This is the part they were born to play”? I believe that Lindsay Lohan may have finally found hers: porn star Linda Lovelace in the upcoming film Inferno. Given the booze and cocaine fueled scene of the 70’s porn scene (at least what I gather from watching Boogie Nights way too many times) Lindsay should find herself right at home!

Lindsay Lohan researching her new role before she ever knew it existed