December 10th, 2010, 04:13 PM
Barbara Walters and the newest member of Jersey Shore, General Patrón-us
Every year The View’s Barbara Walters delivers her “Most Fascinating People” special, and every year she proves how boring and old she is with her choices. Sorry Babwa Wawa, but just because someone got mentioned on Twitter a lot (it’s in the computer machine, I’ll explain later Barb) does not make them “fascinating.” This year’s fascinating people include General Petraeus, who is apparently fascinating because he does his job well; Justin Bieber, because he gives young girls seizures; Sarah Palin, because she still won’t go away; Jennifer Lopez, because Barbara got confused and thought it was 1999; Betty White, because she’s still alive; Kate Middleton, because she is marrying someone who Americans don’t care about; and of course the cast of Jersey Shore, because America is doomed.
I’ll give her Sandra Bullock and Mark Zuckerberg since they did have interesting years (though I don’t know if I would categorize “getting famously cheated on” or “being outed as a jerky egomaniac” as fascinating, per se), but I don’t agree with any of these other choices. So, without further ado, I present my Most Fascinating People of 2010:
1. Conan O’Brien - How did you skip this one Barb?! He became the newest host of the longest running and most prestigious late night chat show in history, The Tonight Show, and became it’s most quickly dispatched of host in the same year! Thanks to the less than upstanding ways of NBC and Jay Leno, Conan was forced to make a stand for his time-slot and ended up getting the boot, landing on TBS with his second TV show in the span of a year. Plus an entire grassroots movement, Team Coco, gathered around him in his time of need!
2. Antoine Dodson - If you’ve been on the internet, you’ve seen Antoine Dodson and his now infamously auto-tuned rants about attackers in the projects. Somehow he even turned this viral fame into enough cash to buy a new house and countless cameos in commercials, TV specials and web shows. Getting rich and famous based on a news report about sexual crimes in the ghetto is a lot more fascinating than Justin Bieber’s haircut! And Dodson has better hair anyway!
3. Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson - One of them went crazy in a hotel while naked with a porn star locked in his bathroom. The other made a series of hateful, vile phone calls to his wife that culminated in him threatening to bury her in a rose garden (at least I think that’s what he said through all that heavy breathing). How is that NOT fascinating? Get these two guys in a room and let them hash it out Barbara!
4. Randy Quaid - Randy Quaid (you know, the weird guy from National Lampoon’s Vacation and Independence Day) is actually muuuccchhh weirder in real life. After several run-ins with the law, including squatting in a house him and his wife claimed to own, a warrant was put out for the arrest of Randy and his wife so they fled to Canada. But why do they claim they had to move form house to house and eventually to Canada? Because of “Hollywood Star Whackers,” a shadowy group hell-bent on killing the world’s top entertainers. He claims they have already killed Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson, as well as made attempts on the lives of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, so of course the next big star on their list is…Randy Quaid? Really Randy, you don’t think your brother Dennis Quaid might make that list before you? Still, you have to admit it’s pretty fascinating! In the most clinically insane way possible!
5. David Hasselhoff - Yes, there was the Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff this year. Yes, his new reality show The Hasselhoffs premiered. Yes, his new reality show The Hasselhoffs was canceled after 2 episodes. But none of that matter. The picture of The Hoff below is why he is one of the most fascinating people of 2010. Because if you see this and don’t immediately think of at least 100 fascinating questions, something is wrong with you.