Keep it up Lindsay, just a few more and we have a calendar!

There are two things you can count on with most child stars: if they stayed in Hollywood they’re gonna find themselves in some legal trouble, and if they leave Hollywood it’s probably because Hollywood didn’t really want them anymore. Sure, there are exceptions to both rules, but this week we find more evidence for each theory:

Another month, another Lindsay Lohan arrest!  And here it seemed like LiLo was staying out of trouble these days! Well legal trouble at least. Those photos of her decaying teeth and the one of her inexplicably making out with her own mother were plenty troubling. I won’t post them here, and trust me, it’s because I want you to be able to hold down your lunch and sleep at night. But it turns out Lindsay has been skipping out on her court ordered community service (at a morgue!) to spend time in Europe, “working” at various fashion shows and parties. The judge didn’t really buy it either. The result? Lindsay’s fifth mugshot! Impressive! You know Lindsay I hear if you collect 7 you get an extra cup of pudding in the prison cafeteria!

And on to our other child star: the long forgotten star of The Sixth Sense, Haley Joel Osment! Or HJO as the cool kids call him. Nobody really knows what the promising actor has been doing since he left Hollywood after a few films, but we can definitely rule out the gym. Maybe his beefier look is for a role? Ah who am I kidding, more likely it’s because of deep fried beef and  breakfast rolls.

Did anyone see Joseph Gordon-Levitt hosting Saturday Night Live this past weekend?  The child-actor-turned-indie-actor did an incredible rendition of “Make ‘em Laugh” from Singin’ in the Rain as part of his introductory monologue.  Check this out:

Joseph Gordon-LOVE IT!.  What you got, Michael Cera?

Zoinks!  If you haven’t already figured out a reason to dislike actor Dustin Diamond (Screech Powers on the beloved Saved By The Bell), here’s a pretty good one.

Here he is on Fox 5, promoting his new book, Behind the Bell, and reminiscing about the good ole days:

So, so terrible and sad.  This is what happens when you miss out on childhood, people!

[Source: Evil Beet]

The return of Punky Brewster?  Well, sorta.

Actress Soleil Moon Frye donned her old Punky garb in a video on UStream to celebrate her 1 millionth Twitter follower. Frye, now 33, apparently slapped on the Punky pigtails and leg tie and pulled out the Punky phrasebook on film, because it’s what the fans “really want.”  Says who?  I didn’t sign up for this, Soleil.

Oh sweet goodness.  I’m embarrassed just watching:

Kind of jarring, right?  Especially when she starts screaming “PUNKY POWER” at the top of her shrill, shrill lungs.

As a young Punky Brewster viewer, I always admired Punky’s positive attitude and innovative sense of style.  It’s a real bummer to watch your childhood heroes fall from grace, isn’t it?

JK JK JK JK JK STILL LOVE YOU SOLEIL!

[Source: UStream]

The people have a right to know: WHAT is Arrested Development’s Michael Cera up to RIGHT NOW?

He’s up for a role in the upcoming film The Social Network!  Get THIS: they’re making a movie about the rise of Facebook and our guy Michael Cera is up for the role of awkward head honcho Mark Zuckerberg!

The movie is to be based on an upcoming book called “The Accidental Billionaires.”  The script was supposedly written by West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin, and the whole shebang will be directed by The Curious Case of Benjamin Button director David Fincher.  Sounds way better than you expected, right?

Who else is up for the part besides Cera, you ask?  None other than Shia LaBeouf!  Now if you’re thinking LaBeouf’s not geeky enough, take my advice and don’t let that bad boy image he’s workin’ on fool you.  Dude was just about the hugest nerd on the planet on the Disney Channel’s Even Stevens in his youth.  Don’t forget your roots, LaBeouf!

May the awkwardest man win!  My money’s on Cera, no doubt.

[Source: CNET]

The Hot Sundaes are the 1.5-hit-wonder girl group of Jessie Spano, Kelly Kapowski and Lisa Turtle on Saved By the Bell!

Besides covering the Pointer Sisters’ “I’m So Excited” many a time, they’re also probs most notable for the peppy single “Break a Sweat (Go for It)” …and sparking Jessie’s caffeine pill addiction/nervous breakdown (because there was never any time and she just had to get into Stanford!).

Nevertheless, the Hot Sundaes’ music video was nothing short of a jazzercising inspiration to young girls across this great nation during the 90’s.

It’s a piece of work: the way they SHOUT-SING THE WHOLE SONG; dated special effects (abrupt leotard changes, double exposure close-ups, herky-jerky slo-mo); the actresses’ genuine commitment; and just the overall absurdity of a song which (unsuccessfully) tries to bridge the themes of aerobics and falling in love. Utter NONSENSE!

We all assumed these Saved By the Bell vixens would shoot to the tippy-top of stardom, but it’s probably more appropriate to say they’ve all “achieved modest notoriety”. Here’s where the Hot Sundae gals are today:

Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie Spano): Guest-starring in the current season of The L Word as Kelly (seriously?), the “straight girl that got away” from Bette (Jennifer Beals) in college (seriously?). The leads of Showgirls and Flashdance together on-screen? Seems like a dance-off is in order!

Tiffani Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski): Currently working on USA Network’s upcoming series called White Collar as the wife of an FBI Agent played by Tim DeKay (Carnivale). Kay *shrug*.

Lark Voorhies (Lisa Turtle): Appeared in a 2008 suspense thriller film called The Next Hit. Yeah, I didn’t hear about it either. She’s also a musician and releasing a single called “Saturday” (boo, not “Sundae”?) this year.

Put your mind to it and go for it, ladies!

At Square Eyes HQ, we’ve been reminiscing about 1992’s Ghostwriter on PBS. We loved learning to read and write (*snort*) by watching the pre-teen crew solve mysteries with the help of Ghostwriter, a ghost who writes to them by using nearby letters and words.

Those kids were HIP. Best example being their unforgettable, pointedly 90’s music video for “You Gotta Believe”. Aspiring singer/rapper Lenni took a note from Will Smith and proved that rap CAN be positive!

It was so funky and fly back then and now, well, it’s pretty dated and stupid. Noteworthy moments:

0:10 - catchy lyrics: “Aw yeah, aw yeah! / You gotta believe!”
0:43 - seamless special FX
1:08 - avant-garde fusion of dance and martial arts
1:45 - sign language translation of rap lyrics
2:16 - **my favorite part** “BOOM SHAKALAKA BOOOOOOMM!”

I hope that inspired you to turn your dreams into reality. TGIF!

I lurved Full House when it was part of ABC’s TGIF line-up. The hijinks those Tanners got into each week! Psycho-clean Danny Tanner (Bob Saget) is one of my favorite TV dads, Uncle Joey (Dave Coulier) talked like Popeye or a woodchuck and Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) was always pretending he was Elvis. Comedy gold!

So why am I so disturbed to hear this recent gab from Candace “Donna Joe ‘DJ’ Tanner” Cameron Bure?

“John [Stamos] has been working on a semi-remake of ‘Full House.’ I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweetin. We would revive our characters, but today as young women.”

NO! That doesn’t sound remotely appealing to me. First of all, the actresses who once played Tanner daughters DJ (Cameron Bure), Stephanie (Sweetin) and Michelle (Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen) are no longer sweet “young women.” They’re now better known as Jesus freaks, over-siliconed meth addicts and boring waifs with eating disorders, respectively.

I ain’t want none of that.

Hollywood, stop the madness and leave the Tanners where they belong - to R.I. some P. in the graveyard of cornball sitcoms gone by.

And no funny ideas about bringing Family Matters or Step By Step back either. Let’s remember those lovable kids as they were, and not for being old arse bummers.

Need proof? Check this ABC TGIF fan MUST-SEE: Kids of TGIF: Where are they now?