Taking career advice from…Kristin Cavallari?!

That’s right, suckas: Andre Leon Talley threw up some deuces to Tyra Banks and has sashayed his way away from judging America’s Next Top Model. This All-Stars cycle is his last gig with ANTM, as The Hills/The City’s (and Kell On Earth) star Kelly Cutrone prepares to fill that coveted spot next cycle (18! Can you even begin to believe it?!). Apparently it was mutual–”all good in the neighborhood,” as Andre put it. Maybe he’s leaving to be the new spokesman for Applebee’s? Or maybe he thinks this whole “All-Stars” business is horse hockey, and he wouldn’t be alone! Isis King, bounced from the house last night, wasn’t afraid to state her feelings on the matter, saying: “We knew that it was still a competition and we would be modeling, but we were told it was focused more on branding and your individual area of expertise since a lot of us have branched off into different fields. Really disappointing, especially because before any kind of acting or hosting came about, I was already gone.”

Already gone, because Isis got the boot last night! I think Tyra and them missed a real opportunity with her, especially if the whole idea behind the show is demonstrating how to build a brand. Isis has an incredibly obvious appeal, an incredibly obvious audience, and is incredibly obviously memorable! Me? I would’ve dumped Alexandria. People just don’t like her, she is not likeable, and she should probably just go on The Real World so she can get on The Challenge or The Duel or whatever and beat up CT and Abram. You know she would.

Blood lovin’ Allison won the challenge and got top photo for the week, partially for her booty tooch execution (ask Tyra–she’ll show you how it’s done!). Perhaps Tookie de la Creme is based on Allison? Or maybe Allison ghost wrote Modelland! Dance Intoxibellas, dance!

Internet, I tire of All-Stars. Kristin Cavallari must have been aware of the irony of her appearance–being asked about remaining relevant without being relegated to reality television while she is on Dancing With The Stars! Ladies, come on! You’re asking a reality show veteran, on your reality show, who is currently on a reality show, how to get away from reality shows! Excuse me: my head is exploding. Just give Allison the job or whatever, and let’s get back to the regular hayseeds, hoochies, and horrors. Srsly, Tyra: keep up the high fashion whatever, drop the old skoolers, and get some fresh meat up in here!

They’re sitting very close to each-other! Get it off the air!

MTV’s Skins, a US re-make of the UK Skins, has got exactly what any self-respecting show aimed at young people wants: tons of buzz for being too controversial and parents complaining left and right about what the show depicts. Sounds like something in the tradition of iconic MTV shows like Beavis and Butthead and The Real World that came before. So why isn’t MTV celebrating it’s new edgy show? Well, it’s hard to make money off a TV show that no one wants to advertise on. And at the end of the day, ads are what counts. I mean even a show like Antiques Roadshow remains profitable because they can get ads for fiber supplements and walk-in bath tubs. Those are very hot markets.

But advertisers are abandoning Skins after the backlash from parent groups threatening to boycott any business that dares to advertise during such a scandalous program. The latest drop-outs are Taco Bell and Subway, though I can’t say I blame them. There has to be a big crossover between people with enough time on their hands to write letters to TV networks and those that eat horrible chain-restaurant food on a regular basis. In a related story, I will still refuse to buy a walk-in bath until Antiques Roadshow agrees to re-appraise my ceramic ALF cookie jar for over $8. It’s priceless! Some critics are even going so far as to say that Skins is skirting dangerously close to child pornography, and that legal action should be taken against the producers of the show who are responsible for filming underage kids in these scenarios. Well there is a very easy way to determine whether the show is child pornography: does Roman Polanski have a season pass recording set for it on DVR?

Changing topics, Bret Michaels, a man who knows all about putting perfectly legal filth/almost porn on TV, is once again in surgery. Those who read Square Eyes know of our love of Bret, so we just want to wish him well and a speedy recovery so he can get back to making awesome reality TV! He’s currently having a hole in his heart (discovered during his weeks of health fiascoes surrounding his brain hemorrhaging) patched up. Though we all know he will always have a hole in his heart that only making out with strippers and picking out bandannas to jam in can fill.

This t-shirt sets the tone

Poor New Jersey!  Just when you thought you were safe from Jersey Shore-related nonsense—The Situation is long gone from Dancing With the Stars, Jersey Shore is done for the season—VH1 decides to get in the mix.  Yes, last night brought us the new show (try to keep a straight face) My Big Friggin’ Wedding, following 5 unrelated couples as they plan and execute (let’s make that a pun) their weddings in the fine, yet beleaguered, Garden State.  Nia Vardalos, see what you started?!  Although, to be fair, these people do say friggin’ wedding quite a lot.  There’s nothing quite like spending some time watching stereotypes come to life, is there?  It’s like Jersey Shore met Bridezillas, who then had an affair with The Real World and The Bad Girls Club, then had a kid (My Big Friggin’ Wedding), and no one is quite sure who the father is.  It’s disgusting, intriguing, horrible and awesome, just like reality television should be! First, we met Johnny and Megin.  Johnny has culinary dreams (though he doesn’t really cook) and wants to make his line of meatballs—dubbed Johnny Meatballs—a success.  Megin just wants him to get a job, already, ya bum!  She herself has a job, a kid, and a bun in the oven.  Megin wants that bun out and about before the wedding, ‘cuz mama needs to get wasted! Tyler and Alyssa are from South Jersey, apparently totally different from North Jersey, and also have a kid.  And a house.  And a Mercedes!  Clearly I’m doing something wrong with my life.  Alyssa and her mom Marilyn are BFF, like sisters!  Eep. Joey and Sandra are tanning their way to happiness.  Think President Obama has an opinion on that?  Neither do I. Danny and Tammie are a multicultural, delusional couple who seemed destined for failure.  Danny’s kids have a problem with Tammie, as he cheated on his former wife with her, but as Danny says, “If it wasn’t Tammie it would’ve been somebody else.”  Classy. Finally, Matt and Amanda.  They met when Amanda was dating one of Matt’s friends.  The friend went to jail, Amanda hooked up with Matt, everyone wins.  Matt loves her, but boy does he love his mother!  Freaky.  And his mom has no problem talkin’ the smack behind their backs. Judging by the previews, things only get more, er, Jersey, from here on out!

VH1 showed sense, following the klassy couples with the lovely Bret Michaels: Life as I Know It.  His daughters Raine and Jorja just get better every week!

-This post brought to you by DIANA

MTV, former bastion of music television (!!), has gradually stopped the music and moved towards the reality of American teenagers.  Shows like Teen Mom, The City, Cribs, 16 and Pregnant, along with long running series like True Life, Made and The Real World, are focused on bringing real stories (or “real” stories) into living rooms and onto computer screens across the country and the world.  Sometimes it crashes and burns (Living Lahaina, anyone?), and sometimes it hits hard—Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra’s episode of 16 and Pregnant last season illustrated the extreme complexities and hardships of teen pregnancy.  Ladies, keep it safe!

The second season of 16 and Pregnant debuted last week on MTV, and so far, it’s pretty much just as depressing (though in different ways) as the first season.  And really, teenage pregnancy is not something to be excited about in any way, but if any girl gets knocked up after watching this show, she’s gotta be an Earth Girls are Easy kind of girl.

Actual 16 year-old Jenelle Evans, her unfortunate choice of baby daddy, Andrew, and large baby Jace were the focus of the first episode, which aired last week.  The editing in this episode was terrible!  EDITORS: if she changes her hair, you can’t splice and insert scenes out of sequence.  It just doesn’t make sense!  Short and blonde to long and dark, back and forth and back and forth.  I understand she was getting (and perhaps justifiably) the party girl edit, but seriously.  Nice that she kicked serial drinker and drunk driver Andrew to the curb by the end of the episode.

This week’s pregnant teen, 15 year-old Nikkole Paulun, was definitely the first heartbreaker of the season.  Her mother Rikki was supportive, her 12 year-old brother was amazing, her friends were awesome, but her baby daddy Josh Drummonds was an abusive little so-and-so whose life is peaking in his teen years and will hit rock bottom soon enough (not to wish ill will on anyone, but this boy is a real sociopath).  Baby Lyle was adorable, and it was especially nice to see Nikkole building a relationship with him.  This episode definitely should have ended with a PSA about domestic violence and abuse, particularly one aimed towards emotional abuse.  If Dr. Drew Pinksy tries to convince Nikkole to reconcile with Josh on the reunion show, he will get my size 9 foot down his weedy little throat.

Heavy stuff, eh?  It’s gripping, and is the only show on MTV that I will make time to sit down and watch.  It’s no funny business like Tool Academy 3, or Celebrity Fit Club, or even Millionaire Matchmaker, but it’ll hit you, hit you hard.

- This post was brought to you by Diana -

Tomorrow night marks the premiere of the 23rd season of The Real World.  TWENTY-THREE!  Can you believe it?

Season 23 kicks off in Washington, D.C. with eight strangers.  Picked to live in a house.  And have their lives taped.  Now, I’m going to stop being polite and start getting real here, with a quick look at who to expect in our new Ikea-furnished abode…

The Real World XXIII: Washington, D.C.

Top row, left to right: Andrew, Ashley, Callie, Emily
Bottom row, left to right: Erika, Josh, Mike, Ty

So you can read all their bios here, but why would you?  Isn’t it much more fun to predict what’s going to happen based on just these photos?

Okay, so basically, Andrew is a preacher’s son from the South who finds Ashley’s Latin good looks immediately appealing but really strikes out with her by calling her “so, so exotic” too many times.  This makes Callie, a tennis instructor from Miami, extremely happy, because she is secretly head-over-heels for Andrew.  None of this really matters to Emily, a bisexual Harley Davidson spokesmodel who’s deciding between Erika and Josh.  Erika’s the tougher nut of the two to crack; not only is she not into girls, she’s not into boys, either.  She spends most of her time drinking coffee and experimenting with body art.  Community organizer Josh, on the other hand, is busy campaigning for Obama even though Obama’s already been elected into office.  At least it gets him out of the house!  Which is more than we can say for Texan Mike, who spends 80% of his time on the kitchen floor doing sit-ups.  The other 20% of the time, he’s out at the clubs experimenting with his sexuality.  Finally, we have Ty, who knows MTV expects him to be black and angry, and is anything but.  He sits and types sonnets on an old typewriter he brought with him from Portland.

Spot on, right?  We’ll find out tomorrow night now many of my predictions will come true.

Yikes!  The cast of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew for season 3 has just been announced!

Take a look at the line-up:

From left to right, that’s Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss(!!!), NBA diva Dennis Rodman, country star Mindy McCready, America’s Next Top Model reject Lisa D’Amato on the top row, and One Day at a Time’s Mackenzie Phillips, former Miss United States Teen Kari Ann Peniche, original Alice in Chains bassist Mike Starr, and Real World Hollywood’s Joey Kovar filling up the bottom.

These eight celebs will be undergoing an intensive 21-day detoxification and rehabilitation program at the Pasadena Recovery Center, with the amazing Dr. Drew Pinsky as their drug counselor.

Those of you familiar with the most recent season of Celebrity Apprentice were likely already expecting to see Dennis Rodman in the mix.  Dennis was famously fired from the show after being called a drunk by his teammates and told to go to rehab.

The show is set to premiere in early 2010.  Wait for it!

[Source: Reality TV Magazine]

Remember how on The Real World: Brooklyn, Scott gave recently sex-changed Katelynn $1,500 just for funsies?  Did you ever wonder how he had all that money to throw around?  Well, we all know he modeled a bit and was voted like, Mr. Most Rock-Hardest Abs of the Year or something, but $1,500?  Seems like a lot of money to be throwin’ out along with the bathwater.

Mystery solved!  Defamer just posted photos of generous ole Scott hawking Snuggies!  Love these:

It all makes sense to me now.  A gig like that’s gotta pay pretty darn well!

On a different note, I’d be pretty bummed if I spent like 10 hours in the gym every day, only to be rewarded with a modeling gig that had me covered from chin to toe.  Dude’s poking his little hand out like a Victorian-aged lady trying to look sexy.

Last week I mentioned that Carla Hall from Top Chef NY has an uncanny resemblance to Big Bird but she’s not alone! As I consume reality TV drivel, I can’t help but feel that I’ve seen some of these folks before…see if you agree:



REAL WORLD BROOKLYN

Sarah Rice = Kelly Clarkson

AMERICAN IDOL

Danny Gokey = Robert Downey Jr.


Stevie Wright = Tina Majorino


Bikini Girl = Blair Witch logo


ROCK OF LOVE BUS

Ashley = Juliette Lewis

Natasha = Lambchop

Caught The Real World: Brooklyn premiere last night. I was weirded out that there were no drunken tirades, no hot tub menage a trois, no naked bits flopping around, no arrests made and no forks being thrown…

Wait - young folks who are actually down-to-earth and coming to Brooklyn to pursue their dream career?? What happened to being CEO of Alcohol Poisoning or Vice President of Televised Promiscuity, MTV?

Here’s an intro to this season’s cast of characters:

Chet Cannon - Attention-famished glam rock boy. He’s not gay, he’s Mormon.

Scott Herman - Fitness freak and model “with the best abs on the East Coast”

Ryan Conklin - Iraq War vet and Judge-y Judith with a really defensive gaydar.

JD Ordonez - Openly gay and self-admittedly snooty dolphin trainer

Sarah Rice -Tattooed good girl who went from lovin’ ladies to doin’ a dude

Baya Voce - Dancer whose signature move is the violent booty shake

Devyn Simone - Pageant queen, aspiring actress and #1 fan of Scott’s abs

Katelynn Cusanelli - Shy postoperative male-to-female transsexual and nerd

What do we think? Will Brooklyn give viewers enough drama to keep their attention? I actually like it so far without the stupid, spoiled whores and fratboys…Guess we’ll see what happens - stay tuned to MTV every Wed night at 10pm!