Adios, laydeez!

This bit of news trumps anything I would say about America’s Next Top Model: All Stars, because it’s so surprising! Kelly Bensimon, Alex McCord, and Jill Zarin have been fired from Bravo’s The Real Housewives of New York City! Rob Schuter at the Huffington Post has reported that the three ladies “have all been let go from the series and will not be returning as fulltime cast members next season.” The women were directly contacted by Bravo this morning, with no other warning (harsh!).

In breaking news, Cindy Barshop has gotten the boot as well! Ramona Singer is negotiating a new contract, but if it doesn’t work out, she might be off the show, too!

Currently, only two original castmembers, LuAnn du Lesseps and the aforementioned “Crazy Eyes” Singer, along with the newer Sonja Morgan are left to forge ahead, although three new ladies are expected to be added to the cast. No word yet on who the n00bs will be, but the four fired housewives might be offered an olive branch if any of the them don’t work out. Expect to see Jill, Alex, Cindy, or (probably) Kelly attempting to intimidate the heck out of the new girls and force them off the show, on or off camera. Blood on the streets of New York! Racing for pinks!

I’ll certainly miss Jill–she got rather repulsive there for a while, but came back around. Although, well, I’ll never buy her shapewear, or visit her fabric store. Alex was good for a one-liner here or there, but Simon (her hubs) is a total weirdo even for reality television, and their house is creepy weird. Kelly is obviously totally nuts. Good for Bethenny for getting out when the getting was good!

If I had any idea of New York socialites (or women who consider themselves socialites), I’d speculate out the wazoo. But I don’t! So I won’t! Let’s hope the new blood is good television, because right now Atlanta, Beverly Hills, and New Jersey have the series all sewn up (no one cares about Miami). Get back in the game, RHONY!

BACHELORETTES!

Ya’ll hear about Kim Kardashian’s bachelorette party? Take one stereotypical bachelorette, two stereotypical sisters of the bachelorette, one stereotypical city (Las Vegas), and what happens? Duh! Stereotypical hijinks ensue! Unable to party like mere morals, The Sisters Kardashian cooked up a full day of bachelorette-ing (while Mr. Kim Kardashian, Kris Humphries, did his bachelor-ing thing with his bros nearby), including massages, shopping, lots of delicious eating, and–of course–crashing the bachelor party at the end of the night! Khloe and Kourtney, true to their word, did everything possible to embarrass the unflappable Kim, including making her wear a pink sash and an illuminated tiara. They didn’t stop there, of course, because what’s a bachelorette party without some male genitalia and a mini male stripper? LaLa Vasquez Anthony, Brittny Gastineau, and Kris Jenner (the former Kris Kardashian–how sitcom!) accompanied the sisters in eating genitalia-shaped cake and sipping through similar straws. True to form, there was screaming, crying, quitting, and reconciliation, but of course no one will admit to it. You ever been to a bachelorette party in Vegas? True facts, people. True facts.

BITCHES!

The normally easygoing Bravo VP Andy Cohen was shaken and stirred out of his gentle vibe during The Real Housewives of New York City reunion! He’s been hosting these reunion shows multiple times per year for multiple years, and finally cracked. Oh, Andy! You are human! Not only human, but incredibly human. The viewing audience has wanted to tell all the Housewives to STFU for ages, but no one ever has…until now!

BULLPUCKY!

The first ridiculous thing about this bit of news is that Glee was at San Diego Comic Con. Gleeks do not an ostensibly comic focused convention make, Ryan Murphy! But hey, the Glee cast is farmed out for everything else, so why not? The second ridiculous thing is that earlier this month, creator Ryan Murphy said Lea Michele (Rachel Berry), Cory Monteith (Finn Hudson), and Chris Colfer (Kurt Hummel) would be leaving the show at the end of the next season, since all are apparently seniors and graduating. Never mind that those three being seniors and the rest underclassmen makes absolutely no sense, because apparently, Gunther from Friends is wrong. Co-creator Brad Falchuk now says the characters are graduating, but are not leaving the show. Can you seriously imagine Rachel or Kurt sticking around Lima after graduation? No. Not at all. Something is rotten in the state of Ohio.

Chord Overstreet (Sam Evans), is, however, permanently done with the show and parted on his own terms. Good for you, sir!

Meet your new Housewives, America!

Exactly two weeks from tonight, Bravo will premiere The Real Housewives of Miami, because they just doesn’t know when to stop. I’m told they tried to do a Chicago version, but realized it would a) be far too passive aggressive and not particularly aggressive aggressive, and b) The Real Housewives of New Jersey kind of has the mob angle locked and loaded. No pun intended. No major city is safe these days; I’m frankly surprised there’s no Boston, Dallas, Charleston, or Honolulu–or, for that matter, London, Paris, Rome, etc. Expatriate it up!

Anyway. In 2009, Bravo had called Miami Social. It did not do super well–it wasn’t particularly interesting–I recall there were some catty gay guys, a bunch of divorcees, and a bisexual single mother, and they were all ‘movers and shakers,’ if you will, in South Beach. Bravo then decided to try out a show called Miami Social Club, which was reworked into, you guessed it, The Real Housewives of Miami. Now that New York City and Orange County are teh suckz, it’s nice to see new blood.  Miami includes:

Larsa Pippen, NBA great Scottie Pippen’s wife, shares the unoffical title of “Hottest NBA Wife” with friend and castmate Cristy Rice. No word on who decides these things. Larsa is Lebanese, snarky, and claims to be successful at all things. Her three little boys are star athletes, her little girl is a princess, and Larsa likes to fire nannies. Shades of Lisa Wu-Hartwell?

Cristy Rice, co-Hottest NBA Wife and Miami native, has “sassy Latina flair.”  Ummmm, ok.  She’s now “Hottest NBA Ex-Wife,” having recently divorced Glen Rice.  Cristy is now living out loud (sure), acting as a single mom to her three kids, and running her own clothing store.  She better have *a LOT* of relationship draaaaamz or it’s the fast train to Snoresville with her!

Alexia Echevarria likes to be known as “Cuban Barbie.” I don’t know if more is really necessary.

Adriana De Moura is a divorced-with-fiance Brazilian bombshell and art curator. She has “flirtatious ways and [a] fiery personality.” Expect sparks to fly between her and her fiance, as well as her and the other Housewives!

Marysol Patton, Miami PR maven and divorcee, likes to hang out with her mom, Elsa. Elsa is a seer (not a psychic!) who has her own following among “A-listers looking for spiritual guidance.”

Last but not least is Lea Black. Lea, a Texas native, is “deeply loved, occasionally uncompromising, but university respected.” She is a community leader, married to a criminal defense attorney (Roy Black, anyone?), and enjoys raising her son and working on her own beloved charity.

So, there you have it! A mixed cast, but no stranger than any other. Perhaps a disproportionate amount of athlete wives, but it is Miami. Expect to see lots of white linen and big hats (or is it just me?), shots of women in itsy bitsy teeny weeny Miami bikinis on South Beach, tattoos, tan bodies, and wild chickens. I don’t know if anyone can top Camille Grammer or NeNe Leakes, but these ladies are certainly welcome to try! Meanwhile, The Real Housewives of New York City premiere has been pushed back to an undetermined date to make way for the Miami mamis. Bummer for the New York ladies, who now include yet another new face, Cindy Barshop.

Four seasons, four different casts!

The face that’s worth $6 million a year

The Daily Beast has compiled a list of the highest paid reality TV stars, and everyone’s favorite Kardashian is at the top of the heap!  Kim Kardashian is estimated to pull in a whopping $6 million this year, as she lends her name and/or face to everything from cupcake mix to feminine hygiene products to shoes.  A million dollars behind her in second place is Lauren ‘LC’ Conrad, who shot to fame on MTV’s Laguna Beach, followed by the greatly lamented The Hills.  LC also has a trilogy of young adult books and a clothing line for Kohl’s to pad her bottom line. Next up is Bethenny Frankel, late of The Real Housewives of New York City and Bethenny Getting Married?, and current star of Skating with the Stars and Bethenny Ever After, coming next year.  Bethenny is also a published author, which should help after Bethenny Getting Divorced! wraps in a couple years. Another The Hills star, dim bulb Audrina Patridge, is up next.  Did you see her on Dancing With the Has-Beens? No?  Well, you’ll see her soon again enough, on a new reality show on VH1.  Fifth place is hosebeast Kate Gosselin.  You know she’s famous for birthing eight children and being a huge jerk.  Let’s quickly move on.

Coming in at number six is the first male to hit the list—Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, and one can only hope that the The Jersey Shore lothario’s star fades as soon as possible.  Although, protein infused vodka?  What an innovator! More Kardashians are numbers seven and eight—Khloe and Kourtney, respectively.  We knew the Kardashians are extremely popular (ya’ll seem to LOVE them!), but didn’t realize the world knew it, too!  Another Jersey Shore star is ninth, Pauly D (apparently he’s a DJ?  DJ Pauly D?).  He commands thousands of dollars per deejay gig, and shills for Baskin Robbins.  Finally, at tenacious #10, we have former Hefner girlfriend, The Girls Next Door star, and current Baskett wife Kendra Wilkinson, whose reality star continues to rise even post-baby.

What have we learned, readers?  That to be a successful reality star, you better be female, and you better have an angle.  Don’t be afraid to put your name on anything and everything—sex tapes, credit cards, jeans, baby food, lawnmowers—and take every opportunity offered.  Go on, then!  See you on next year’s list!

-This post brought to you by DIANA

Vince Neil: one time biggest rocker in the world, current figure skater

I’m sure by now you all know there is a new reality competition show on TV called Skating With the Stars. It premiered this week and I’m certain most “I’m thankful for…” speeches around your Thanksgiving table this year made mention of it. Finally, a show about celebrities ice-skating! How come no one has thought of this before? It’s perfect for those who like the concept of Dancing with the Stars, but would like to see them slip on ice and possibly get sliced by their own bladed shoes more often. And with the caliber of stars on Dancing With the Stars this year (David Hasselhoff was sadly the biggest celeb amongst them, and somehow he got kicked off first), who are the lucky “stars” who couldn’t get booked on Dancing and have to humiliate themselves on ice?

Vince Neil of Motley Crue fame is probably the biggest star since he was the lead singer of one of the biggest bands of the 80’s. Sure, since then he has most notably appeared on The Surreal Life, but he still was a star at one point. Next up is Bethenny Frankel, who apparently just jumps from one reality show to another, including The Real Housewives of New York City and Bethenny Getting Married? I like that the question mark is included, because as someone with no familiarity, I don’t get how she went from a Housewife show to a bridal show. Did they forget Bethenny’s Bitter Divorce in between? Brandon Mychael Smith is a rapper/actor known for his roles on Sonny With a Chance and Phil of the Future, so this is good training for when his career flat-lines and he has to reprise those roles on tour with Disney on Ice. Johnny Moseley is an Olympic Skier, meaning he has an unfair proximity to skating advantage. And finally Sean Young is an actress who nobody seems to hire anymore and Rebecca Budig is from the soap opera All My Children, so the old people who actually know she is can’t stay up late enough for a prime-time TV show and sure as heck can’t program a DVR. Boy oh boy, quite the stars indeed!

Remember earlier when I questioned why no one had thought of this concept before? Well I’m sure most of the world forgets, but they did. It was called Skating with Celebrities and only aired 4 years ago, but nobody remembers because it failed. And sadly, with celebrities like Dave Coulier from Full House, honorary Keeping up with the Kardashians featured player Bruce Jenner, model/weather lady/actress? Jillian Barberie, and Todd Bridges (Willis form Diff’rent Strokes), I’d say it was way more star-studded than this new incarnation. Sorry Johnny Moseley, you’re just no Willis. Nobody quotes a catchphrase with a reference to you in it.

The first star gets kicked off tonight, with many speculating that Vince Neil will be the one to go. Because why not kick off the one cast-member who actually did sell out world tours? At least he might be able to get a Rock of Love style gig out of it…

9021-Oh, yesss! The Real Housewives franchise is headed to one of the ritziest cities in this great nation of ours: Beverly Hills!

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills will premiere on Thursday, October 14th, at 10/9c on Bravo. Will it live up to the drama of its predecessors, The Real Housewives of New Jersey (plus table-throwing) or The Real Housewives of Atlanta (plus hair-pulling catfights)?

Well, being based in a city that thrives on *sing-song* DRA-maaa may help, and the Beverly Hills Housewives cast is definitely way more connected to the entertainment industry. You may recognize some of the cast members:

Camille Grammer is best known as the ex-wife of actor Kelsey “Frasier” Grammer. The couple divorced this year, but have two children and co-own the production company responsible for TV show like Medium and The Game.

Kim Richards was a child actress probably best known for starring in the 1970’s Disney kid flicks, Escape to Witch Mountain and Return from Witch Mountain. Kim’s now a single mother of four, has retired from acting and is working on a jewelry line and a water bottle line. She is the sister of fellow cast mate, Kyle Richards, and aunt to Nicky and Paris Hilton.

Kyle Richards, the aforementioned sister of Kim and also aunt of Paris and Nicky Hilton, has been acting since childhood. Besides acting, she’s married with four children and is an avid cancer advocate.

Taylor Armstrong is the wife of a venture capitalist and has one child. She owns an SAP firm and likes to “work hard, play hard.”

Adrienne Maloof’s family owns the Sacramento Kings, the Los Angeles Kings and the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas (dang!). She is married to a plastic surgeon and is involved in several charities.

Lisa VanderPump is originally from England and has been living in America for the last five years. She owns two popular restaurants in LA and writes for a local lifestyle magazine.

[source: TVGuide]

Mmm, the scent of spray-tans and botox is thick! If you want to get a whiff of it, tune in to Bravo on October 14th to catch the premiere of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!

Stars?

Dancing with the Stars (otherwise known as Dancing with…wait, who? REALLY?) has confirmed the cast for the upcoming season.  Square Eyes already brought you a post bemoaning (or praising) the leaked contestants, being babymama Bristol Palin, sax man Michael Bolton, former baller Rick Fox, comedienne Margaret Cho, actress Jennifer ‘Baby’ Grey, Jersey Shore’s Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino, pop singer/killer car crash causer Brandy, and one Mr. David Hasselhoff (no introduction needed).  Just announced additions to the cast include The Brady Bunch mom Florence Henderson (the obligatory older woman), Disney child actor Kyle Massey (everyone over twelve, say it with me now: who?), retired Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner (obligatory football player), and, last but not least, Audrina Patridge, late of that seminal television program The Hills.  Wow.  Maybe the ‘Stars’ in the title now refers to the professional ballroom dancers these people will partner.

My question is, when will a Real Housewife of [Wherever] be on the show?  Or a Kardashian sister?  So many untapped resources, and DwtS goes for the likes of Bristol Palin, Michael Bolton and Kyle Massey?  I mean, The Situation must’ve lowered his salary requirements to go on the show, so surely ABC can afford a housewife or two.  The Real Housewives of New York are so steamed about the cast of Jersey Shore getting $30k an episode (!!) that they won’t commit to a fourth season unless their salaries are raised.  Currently, each wife makes about $4k per episode (same as the real  New Jersey housewives), and, according to a source close to the women, “they have little choice but to pimp themselves out with side gigs to bump up their earnings.”  There were eighteen episodes in Season 3—that’s a total of $72k before taxes.  And aren’t these women supposed to be the idle rich?  Why do they care what they get paid?  OH RIGHT—because they’re not rich.  They’re just upper middle class poseurs.  Meanwhile, the Jersey Shore kids are laughing all the way to the bank, and the Real Housewives of New Jersey are beating the stuffing out of each other, and host Andy Cohen, on their reunion show.  Check it out:

Ok, ok, I promise: no more housewives stuff!  Starting Thursday: Project Runway talk!  Don’t make Tim Gunn angry!

-This post brought to you by DIANA

Let’s be honest - some of us have been suffering withdrawals after last month’s hurricane of finales for popular shows like LOST, Law & Order, American Idol and 24. As quickly as it’d began, the dust had settled and we were left all alone, moping and eating bonbons in bed, swearing that no other shows could replace our beloveds.

Ah, but there’s hope for a rebound this summer! The sun is shining, birds are singing and a new collection of TV shows are parading into our lives. Maybe we can find boob tube love again in a summer fling!

Who will win your attention? The sexy vampires of True Blood or the bad boys from Entourage? Maybe you prefer the more PG-13 comedic stylings of Golden Girl Betty White in her new sitcom Hot in Cleveland? On the talent show front, you can choose from the fantastic dancers on So You Think You Can Dance, or the equally phenomenal chefs from Top Chef: DC. Then again, perhaps your tastes lean toward bottom-of-the-barrel fluff (and no one’s judging you here) where your options are America’s Got Talent, Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel’s spin-off Bethenney Getting Married or Ali Fedotowsky’s second chance at love on The Bachelorette.

Let us know which show you’re MOST excited to watch this summer in our latest poll below!

Finally, the big day has come!

NYC Prep, dubbed the real-life Gossip Girl and filmed in the style of The Real Housewives of New York City, premieres tonight at 10 p.m. on Bravo.

The cast, as far as I can tell from Bravo’s NYC Prep bio section, includes Taylor, the bitchy/go-gettery Blair Waldorf knock-off, Sebastian, the sexy/ambitious Chuck Bass-flavored guy, P.C., the popular/jaded Nate Archibald dude, Kelli, the snoozy heart-of-goldish Serena van der Woodsen type, Jessie, the fashion-loving Jenny Humphrey gal, and Camille, who sort of seems like an amalgam of all the female characters.  NOTE: none of these kids are very attractive.

Already, the show is living up to my expectations and being knocked by the critics as snoozy, depressing, an unintentional parody.  Here’s a collection of reviews, with my favorite bits highlighted:

From The Boston Herald:

The cable network can’t show its mostly underage cast indulging in sex and alcohol binges without being viewed as an accomplice and opening itself up to legal sanctions. So it is forced to focus on teens who come off as second-rate imitations of such Gossip mainstays as Blair, Serena, Chuck and Jenny…

Bravo does its level best to shove these kids into a bad light. Their on-camera confessionals all take place in a faux study in an oversized leather chair surrounded by piles of books, as if to ram the point that despite their families’ wealth, these kids will never attain true class or sophistication.

From Salon:

Who wouldn’t instantly resent and pity these [parents], who can’t be bothered to raise their own kids, leaving it to the service industry professionals of NYC — boutique clerks, restaurant delivery people, spa attendants, prep school administrators — to do it for them? And yet, who wouldn’t instantly envy these people, who luxuriate in their vacation home while their irritating teenagers sift out their petty troubles on an overpopulated island far, far away? NYC Prep drags out the people we know just well enough to recognize that they’re very, very different from us — that grandstanding thug at work, the chick down the hall in college with the tennis courts in her backyard, the ex-girlfriend’s spouse who speaks four languages and summers in Martha’s Vineyard — and shows us why they’re so different. We ogle their many advantages and indulgences, then soothe ourselves with how twisted and pitiable they are, swimming in such a toxic, decadent, big-city marinade. We already know that they turned out wrong, but now we know why.

From The New York Times:

Viewers are no longer shocked at tableaus of conspicuous consumption - limousines, personal shoppers, weekends in the Hamptons - even when the careless spendthrifts are children. If anything, this paean to Upper East Side plutocrats looks a little out of date - if the camera panned the other side of Madison Avenue, it would show darkened store windows and “for rent” signs. But Bravo, home to other reality shows like The Rachel Zoe Project, specializes in pinpointing stereotypes and inflating them into full-blown cartoon caricatures. The deliciously vulgar heroines of Housewives of New Jersey shop and bicker, spend and shout, without ever falling out of character. On NYC Prep, PC in particular struggles to insert a little self-awareness and humor into his role as the spoiled preppy ne’er-do-well, but the script keeps veering back to the Gossip Girl playbook.

From Variety:

Ultimately, the main problem with NYC Prep is that the show never gets better than its title — lacking the sociological insight to score as a documentary or the hyper-real situations and “characters” that would make it sizzle as a soap. As crass as it sounds, for something like this to truly pop requires a little more Less Than Zero than merely Clueless, which is what we initially glean from our encounters with the half-dozen featured teens.

At first blush, the boys register more strongly than the girls, perhaps because they appear less concerned about (or more oblivious to) the prospect of looking like self-centered little bastards. So pretentious 18-year-old P.C. lords over underclassmen, while 16-year-old Sebastian will surely make his folks proud by cavalierly saying, “Some girls like it if you’re an asshole to them.” See you on The Bachelor, kid.

It basically sounds like NYC Prep inspired pity and depressed the shizz out of anyone who got the sneak peek.

To summarize, I CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH!!!  Let’s revisit this in the morning, shall we?