The next President(s) of the United States of America

Stephen Colbert has been mocking politicians on The Colbert Report for years, but now he’s taking his schtick to the podium, announcing himself as a fake candidate for President (but only in South Carolina). And the craziest part? His rally in South Carolina this afternoon (along with fellow fake candidate Hermain Cain) drew a much larger crowd than any other candidate’s in the state so far. That’s a lot of people taking time off work for a joke, and that is hilariously awesome.

To recap, about a year ago Colbert was given the right to create his own SuperPAC, an organization that has no official affiliation to a candidate but buys up air time slamming the opponents. How he even got this was amazing, but that was just the beginning. After a few humorous ads, Colbert got bored with the SuperPAC and handed over control to Jon Stewart so that he could concentrate on forming an exploratory committee to possibly run for President (but only in South Carolina). Of course Colbert waited far too long to get his name on the ballot, meaning he is thinking about running even though nobody can vote for him. Hermain Cain, however, is still on the ballot after dropping out of the race, and since Cain is a walking punchline, Colbert has instructed voters to vote for Hermain Cain as a proxy, in order to show their support for his potential run for President. Confused? Don’t be, it’s just as ridiculous as it sounds.

Colbert and Stewart have been having a field day mocking the “laws” surrounding campaign financing and SuperPACS, testing the limits of what “coordination” between a SuperPAC and a candidate means (in short, it’s empty words that mean nothing). And better yet, Hermain Cain, ever the lover of attention, is more than happy to join in. Him and Colbert hosted a joint rally today to encourage voters to see them as the exact same person, and as I said before, it actually got the highest turnout for any rally in the state. And with Colbert’s SuperPAC airing ads calling Mitt Romney a serial killer throughout the state, is there a chance that Colbert (I mean Cain…) will actually get a  fair share of votes? I certainly hope so, because it makes some damn good TV.

Rock me like a Hermain Cain indeed…

Oh my goodness.  Sometimes a video so lovely comes along that you just wanna play it on loop.

As if Alicia Keys/Jay-Z’s “Empire State of Mind” weren’t enough on its own, check out Alicia’s killer performance on The Colbert Report last night:

I hope Jay-Z visits The Colbert Report sometime soon for another remix.

[Source: Pitchfork]

Have you heard about Stephen Colbert’s feud with Miracle Whip yet?

If not, you’re in for a treat.  The Colbert Report host sums it up pretty well in the below clip:

I can’t help but love!  Everyone involved is hilarious!

You can read the full page ad Miracle Whip took out here.  I actually think it’s a pretty savvy note and reflects well on THE BOLD MARKETING TEAM AT MIRACLE WHIP.  Their fun youth-of-America commercial may have been slightly out of touch, but this note certainly isn’t.  Well done!

Colbert?  Always spot on.

Amidst last week’s news of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett’s deaths, chances are you caught word that Jeff Goldblum had passed as well.

It is with a heavy heart that Square Eyes reports this news is true.  Goldblum himself confirmed it on The Colbert Report last night.  Take a look:

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Goldblum family and like, Geena Davis.

Jeff Goldblum, you will be missed!

[Source: Scandalist]

The Colbert Report’s Stephen Colbert didn’t exactly get a space station named after him as he intended, but he DID get a space-bound treadmill named in his honor.

And here it is!  Peep this Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill (COLBERT):

Yep, this bad boy’s going to space.

[Source]

Swine flu is SO HOT RIGHT NOW!

Even my favorite publicity whores, The Hills‘ Heidi and Spencer, have jumped on board with some trendy preventive measures of their own.  They’re nothing if not always relevant:

To the left, Speidi honeymooning on the beaches of swine-infested Mexico.

Directly above, Speidi sneaking in a smooch on their way back into the states at LAX.

Stay safe, you two!

But on the serious tip, folks, we here at Square Eyes want everyone to stay safe and swine-free.  On that note, I’ve decided to include a short educational video on swine flu prevention for everyone out there with questions:

Ha.  JK, that ain’t serious, that’s just Stephen Colbert joking around, last night on The Colbert Report.  What’s with the Susan Boyle ref, btw?  If that was a Susie slam, I’m NOT AMUSED.

But anyway.  Swine flu is WAY cooler than anthrax and SARS put together, am I right?  And small pox? PUH-lease!  Not even in the running!  Even the black plague pales in comparison!  Every epidemic needs a good mascot, and there ain’t nothin’ cuter than a piglet sneezing.

Sorriez if you’ve got it, dudes!  Feel better!

Yo!  Check this out!

So remember how The Colbert Report host Stephen Colbert waged a campaign to have a node of a NASA international space station named after him?  And how he WON the online naming contest?

Well, turns out he didn’t really win.  NASA maintained the right to choose the final name, regardless of poll results, and went with the snoozy “Tranquility” for Node 3 over the classy “Colbert.”

But have no fear, we have a consolation prize!  Instead, NASA will be naming a treadmill used for exercising in space after Colbert.

The sophisticated ‘mill will henceforth be called the Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill (COLBERT), and will be used by astronauts to keep fit and maintain bone strength.

I guess you could say NASA thought Colbert deserved to be IN THE RUNNING!!!!!!!!

Oh, whatever.  Bad jokes aside, NASA is awesome and don’t you forget it!

You can always refer back to this post if you need something to JOG YOUR MEMORY!!!!!!!!

Heh.

Congrats to Colbert and NASA both.

Wowzers!

For those of you who haven’t been following Stephen Colbert’s campaign to have a module of a NASA international space station named after him, I’m here to catch you up (YOU’RE WELCOME!!!!!!!).

This week, Colbert motivated 230,539 viewers of The Colbert Report to vote “Colbert” for NASA space station!

NASA’s online naming contest included suggested names Serenity, Legacy, and Ventures, but also allowed write-in votes - that’s where Colbert’s lobbying came in.  Colbert easily beat out the next closest contender, Serenity, by over 40,000 votes.

But he’s not in the clear yet!  NASA still has veto rights, but spokesman John Yembrick told the Associated Press that top vote-getters get “the most consideration.”  The chosen name will be announced in April, and the module will be launched in late 2k9.

I’m totally in support of having the Colbert name stitched across space for all eternity (SO poetic, right?).  NASA needs to LOL it up a bit!  Their image is too stuffy!  What, no jokes in space?  I can think of AT LEAST two or three gags dealing with gravity and bathroom habits AS WE SPEAK!  And Uranus?  That’s the name of your planet?  LAWLZ!

Colbert FTW!  Serenity, Legacy, and Ventures all sound like names of resort getaways for singles, anyway.  No thank you!

Ha!  If you’ve been keeping up with The Colbert Report, you’ve likelly heard wacky ole Stephen Colbert’s call to action to humble Kanye West.  Namely, Colbert wants everyone to purchase his Christmas album on iTunes and push Kanye down from his superior iTunes spot.

Well, today, it’s a success! Kanye’s 808s & Heartbreak has dropped to #4, while A Colbert Christmas has reached spot #3.

Go Stephen Go!

Now, though I love The Colbert Report to pieces, I also, personally, have no problem with Kanye’s crazy-sized ego.  In fact, I kinda like it!  I appreciate a person with some self-confidence.  Why do well all have to be such downers all the time?  I like your style, Kanye West!

And it doesn’t even bug me that, in Kanye’s opinion, if the Bible were written today, he’d be in it.  Who’s to say he’s wrong?

Actually, this post on the Best Week Ever blog, Why Kanye West Is Not A “Douche”, expresses my sentiments exactly.  Nope.  Totally not bothered by Kanye.

Hey!  So what’s Kanye’s response to all this Colbert mumbo jumbo anyway?  It’s pretty good, in my opinion.  Check out his tweet here.

Nah.  Still not finding him annoying.