Lots of dude news in the media today! Bret Michaels’ new reality show Bret Michaels: Life As I Know It starts up for real on October 18 at 10pm! VH1 ran a teaser special in May, I think it was, that was basically a sneak peek first episode, full of Bret’s adorable kids and on-again off-again baby mama. Does it make me like Bret Michaels even more? Hell yeah, it does—the man shows startling glimpses of self-awareness. It’s all that’s keeping me from making thousands of jokes about this picture:
There’s a whole lotta Photoshop going on
Former (and, uh, current) The Bachelorbachelor Brad Womack is returning to the show, this time to find love! For realz! Brad first appeared on The Bachelor three years ago, in 2007, and shocked the world when he pulled a Kelly Taylor and declined to choose between DeAnna Pappas and Jenni Croft (no word on if he was thinking, “I choose me!” at the time) as the final rose of his heart. His rationalization for trying again? He’ll meet 25-30 women he’d never meet in regular life. Really—that’s his reasoning. Look, buster: you could drive a MILE and meet 25-30 women you’d never otherwise meet. And, as Brad told Ellen Degeneres, he’d walk away again if he doesn’t find twu wuv. He takes this very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that he’s willing to do it in front of America! Let the heartbreak begin! I bet a thousand dollars that the producers bring back (or are trying to bring back) DeAnna and Jenni, even though both ladies are engaged. Pretend you don’t know! Reality television is all real!
And finally, Michael Bolton is kind of nuts, and last night’s Dancing With the Stars goes out of its way to illustrate that fact:
Levi Johnston: Future mayor and reality show star?
Remember when critics thought reality TV was a fad that would fade out as soon as people realized that writers could provide audiences with enriching television experiences that attention starved weirdos rambling and competing in front of cameras never could? Well good thing that never happened! Because that would have deprived the world of some of these upcoming reality gems.
First up is the tentatively titled “Loving Levi: The Road to the Mayor’s Office,” the reality show pilot currently being filmed around Bristol Palin’s baby-daddy Levi Johnston. As you can probably guess from the title, the show will focus on Levi running for Mayor in his hometown of Wasilla, Alaska, the same town where Sarah Palin acted as Mayor for several years. I’d say it’s laughable that Levi is running for Mayor with absolutely no experience, but then again Sarah Palin ran the place and it’s still standing, so how hard can it be? I almost feel bad for Levi’s opponents for the Mayoral race in Wasilla. I mean, the guy knocked up his teenage girlfriend, has left her several times, is associated with the Palin name but also hated by Sarah Palin, posed in Playgirl, had a Myspace full of racist redneck rants that the whole world saw and has attended several award shows with Kathy Griffin. There’s nothing left to dig up on this guy! Where’s the political fun in that? As for his reality star prospects, his best shot is probably a show called “Celebrity Dead-Beat Dads” that I’m sure VH1 will have in a few years.
But not all new reality shows are going to focus on semi-celebrities. Some sill still bring talented people to the forefront and give them a chance to be discovered by the entertainment industry and the world. Like, for instance, the upcoming “Talent Behind Bars” and “Dancing Behind Bars.” Yes, two new talent shows that will feature inmates competing from inside prison. First come the prison dancing shows, then the prison dating shows, and next thing you know we’ll have The Running Man style death tournaments! In case you think the producers are being exploitative and careless when it comes to safety, don’t worry: no violent criminals will be allowed to compete, only inmates convicted of minor crimes like drugs or theft. Oh great, that means some poor kid who stole a loaf of bread is gonna get shived by some murderer who dances a wicked salsa and is pissed he can’t compete! Now I don’t support this kind of programming, but if they manage to get a panel of imprisoned celebrity judges I just might watch. Wesley Snipes and the recently arrested Rip Torn, perhaps? Yeah, I would definitely watch that. Plus season 1American Idol co-host Brian Dunkleman would probably get himself arrested just for a chance to host it.
And of course the reality show world is never complete without dating shows. For that audience there’s “Bachelor Pad,” a spin-off of The Bachelor where rejects from that show and The Bachelorette will live in a house with one big bedroom and attempt to win money through a typically convoluted set of rules while mostly getting drunk and hooking up. It’s like ABC, burned by none of The Bachelor couples working out, decided to hedge their bets by sticking a bunch of desperate singles in one sleeping area and hoping at least one of the pairings works out. Or that there are at least some good fights. And come on, this is reality TV, there always are!
Well, The Bachelorette finale airs next Monday (August 2nd) and now it’s Ali’s turn to declare whether baseball player Roberto or quirky family guy Chris L. impressed her the most during this whirl-a-gig reality show!
Who do you think Ali will choose as her final man: Roberto or Chris L.? Maybe she won’t pick either and will return to being a Big City working girl in California? My hope is that creepy ol’ Jake will crash land his plane during the Rose Ceremony and stagger out, begging Ali to take him back! Let us know your thoughts in the poll below!
BREAKING NEWS! The Bachelor Jake Pavelka has kicked final rose recipient (and ‘fiancee’) Vienna Girardi to the curb because he thought she was cheating on him with Greek’s (you know, that show on ABC Family no one watches) Gregory Michael. Shameful! I can’t believe those two crazy reality-show-starring kids won’t make it! Two more victims of the fame monster. Good thing Jake has that guest starring role on Drop Dead Diva to shield the pain.
MORE BREAKING NEWS! Glittery disco ball vampire fans and creepy possessive werewolf fans, take note: fans have already started lining up in Los Angeles for the premiere of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, which takes place Thursday. If you’d care to know the camping rules (yes! CAMPING! In Nokia Plaza!), check ‘em out here. If you want to see what it already looks like (as of last night), the madness is available (in photo form) here. Not much room left!
The Gates, one of my picks for a promising summer show, debuted on ABC Sunday evening. It’s actually pretty interesting, what with the vampires and the werewolves and the witches, oh my! And, of course, the ridiculous new Chief of Police (the reason there’s a show in the first place is because he and his family move to The Gates, a fictional community), who seems to think some light trespassing isn’t out of the question when suspicious about a possible suspect. There are a lot of undertones and cryptic references in the pilot that I hope get fleshed out over the season. It’s always interesting to see what mythology writers use when working with science fiction or fantastical story lines and characters. No sparklepantsy brooding nasty pale vampires here!
Now, lest you all think I’m some sort of reality television junkie (I can quit anytime!), I’m not! I don’t watch Dancing With the Stars, for example, because rarely are the stars actual stars, and if I want to watch a bunch of D-list celebrities make fools of themselves, I’ll watch Celebrity Fit Club(and wasn’t last night’s episode fun?). Anyway, let’s explore this season of Dancing With the Stars (who are not actually stars!):
Pamela Anderson sort of kind of used to be a star, back in the Baywatchdays. Now she’s kind of famous for being famous. And probably still for the Tommy Lee sex tape.
Chad Ochocinco, well, is kind of a moron. A professional football player, he’s better known for his stupid last name and antics than for his athleticism. I know who he is only because Yahoo! loves to put him on their homepage.
Aiden Turner is on All My Children, former home of Sarah Michelle Gellar Prinze, Kelly Ripa, and Mark Consuelos. There might be crossover appeal—who knows. Oh, and how awesome is it that All My Childrenis available on blinkx Remote? No more taping/DVRing every day! Although I am more of a Days of our Livesfan. Sorry—off topic.
Buzz Aldrin—I was not aware Buzz Aldrin was still alive. Also, star? Yeah, no. I don’t see him walking any red carpets. American hero, sure. Namesake for Buzz Lightyear, sure! Star…no.
Shannen Doherty will always be Brenda Walsh or Prue Halliwell (but mostly Brenda). Sorry, Shannen, but Beverly Hills 90210 (the original!) and Charmedwere your career highs.
Niecy Nash, a hilarious comedienne, is best known for her work on Comedy Central’s Reno 911!. Love her. If I had to watch, I’d root for her! Star? Close enough, I suppose.
Erin Andrews is well known due to the whole peephole video scandal. Otherwise, she’s a reporter on ESPN, but a star? If she does qualify, it’s for all the wrong reasons.
Nicole Scherzinger is the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls. She’ll probably be fine. Sure, she’s a star—she’s the only Pussycat Doll most people can probably recognize.
Evan Lysacek just won figure skating gold in the Vancouver Winter Olympics. He currently (but only currently) qualifies as a star. Although I was not-so-secretly rooting for Johnny Weir, and I did love Evgeni Plushenko. The hair! The arrogance! Sorry—forgot about Evan for a second there. Vera Wang designs Evan’s outfits, so I guess he’s kind of already a star dancer.
Kate Gosselinis not a star. GROSS. Go take care of your eight kids and stop famewhoring all over the place! Way to feed the troll, ABC.
Jake Pavelka was The Bachelor? And now, I assume, is an old married man? Right?
This cast is not going to win over this potential viewer, I tell you what. Too lame! Let’s see Zach Efron and Vanessa Hudgens dance with the stars! Heck, do an entire High School Musicalcast! That would not only pull in the tween set but would promote crossover appeal between Dancing With the Starsand all the Disney franchises! Everyone profits!
The upcoming season of Celebrity Apprentice, on the other hand? With my favorite Mr.Bret Michaels, plus Sharon Osbourne, Darryl Strawberry, and Cindy Lauper? I cannot wait for March 14th!
The season finale of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love (a.k.a. “The Bachelor” to folks who are not complete cheeseballs) airs tonight on ABC. Tune in to watch gentlemanly-but-bland-as-Shredded-Wheat, Jake Pavelka, hand out his final rose. Dum dum DUMM!
Will our Bachelor go for Tenley Molzahn, the angelic divorcee from Oregon, or Vienna Girardi, the sassy Floridian Marketing Rep and bane of the other contestants all season?
How convenient that we’ve got a classic “good” vs. “evil” finale! ABC’s already come up with a clever tagline: Will Jake choose Sugar or Spice? *lukewarm applause*
I honestly don’t get the Vienna thing. I don’t think she’s “evil” like the show’s made her out to be, but I’m just surprised Jake kept her in the final two - she’s immature, clingy, has those crazy eyes… I just don’t see anything longterm between them. Meanwhile, Tenley is down-to-earth, traditional and mature (a.k.a. boring like Jake). I can totally see her and Jake in their senior years, sitting on a porch swing with a quilt over their laps in the countryside. She could even perform walker-assisted dance solos for him while he chills in a wheelchair - it’d be SO quaint!
It’s clear where I stand (Team Tenley!) - how about you? We’ve got two polls for you:
Who will get the rose and who SHOULD get the rose in tonight’s The Bachelor finale?
Or maybe you think Jake should ditch both gals, hop on his plane and fly to San Francisco to find Ali again! Am I right?
My-lanta! After weeks of pretending I don’t care about The Bachelor, I give up: I am officially addicted to this season of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love (seriously, that’s the subtitle).
Last night, BachelorJake Pavelka, paid a hometown visit to the families of the remaining four ladies: Gia, Ali, Tenley and Vienna. What did we learn? 1) That I’m a sentimental sap because I had a knot in my throat every time the parents/daughters choked up, and 2) that Jake is so genuine and suave that he could probably charm the tattered pants off of The Hulk.
First, Jake visits New York (”concrete jungle where dreams are maaade of!“), home of Ellen Pompeo/Meredith Grey lisp-a-like and swimsuit model, Gia. Gia’s extremely close to her mom who is, like the rest of her family, protective over her little girl’s heart. During a dinner of pasta and vino, Jake gets grilled by Gia’s mama and her very gel-haired brother (love the NY accents, btw): Gia’s had her heart broken and they’re wary of his intentions - can Jake convince them that he’s a good guy?
Duh, of course! Jake is his usual honest self, peppering the conversation with heavy flattery of how Gia’s “different from all of the other girls” (like, not blonde?) and admitting that he’s really into her when she opens up. Mamma mia, it’s enough for Gia’s mom who gives her approval and then lets her baby girl know that her mother’s intuition senses that Jake’s heart is in the right place and that he’s truly falling for her. The night ends with the couple parking it on a stoop and Jake awkwardly asking, “Have you ever kissed on a stoop before?” Gia: “No, actually I never ha–” Jake: “Wanna change that? *goes in for the kill*” Very teen-aged boy of him, but I like Gia, so whatevs - a girl’s gotta get hers.
You could pretty much replay the above scenario 3 more times to get the gist of how the other ladies’ families react to Jake. All of the remaining visits followed the same script:
- giddy hug & kiss-filled reunion with Ali/Tenley/Vienna on their home turf in Massachusetts/Oregon/Florida
- some intimate bonding time at: her dead grandmother’s house/her dance studio/a river boat ride
- Meet initially suspicious family members
- Jake humors a stern talking to from the most protective parent
- Jake reassures them that he cares about their daughter and will make a fine hubby
- Family members admit that, “This is the happiest we’ve ever seen [daughter's name]!”
- Family gives Jake their blessing to continue and marry their daughter
- Makeout session
And bing, bang, boom - just a Rose Ceremony and the episode’s done! *record scraaaatch* Or is it? Naw way!
Just when you thought each of these ladies had a solid chance at Jake’s heart and ring, Ali swings by his hotel room to tearfully deliver some bad news: she’s been gone from work too long and has to choose between staying on The Bachelor or keeping her job. *dramatic musiiiiiic!*
Like any sensible lady, she tries to push Jake into giving her a sign: can he guarantee that she will win if she drops her job for the show? Jake can only tell her that he would be devastated if she left, but makes no promises and has to surrender to the fact that her job is equally important - the final decision has to be hers. Ouch, no help there!
I loved this bit o’ real-life, outside-of-the-manufactured-reality-show drama. Ali has been very catty and passive-aggressive all season, but when it comes down to it, she’s an independent lady in San Francisco and has incredible, palpable chemistry with Jake. However, she’s also made it clear that she loooooves her job (allegedly an Advertising Account Manager at Facebook - helloooo!), and let’s not forget the economic climate we’re in! You’re lucky to have a steady job, especially one that you love.
A semi-tough call for the audience, but Ali is in complete turmoil over the decision. During the Rose Ceremony, Ali nervously asks to visit Jake and cries on his lap while weighing the options: keep her job or take a chance on Happily Ever After with the best catch of her life?
In the end, she makes (in my opinion) the right choice: Ali is heartbroken, but decides she must leave the show and keep her job. Poor Jake’s puppy face crumbles and as he sees her out, it looks like someone punched him in the gut. Welcome to the 21st century, Jake. Sisters are doin’ it for themselves and gotta bring home the bacon!
After saying goodbye, shedding a few tears and collecting himself, Jake turns on a smile and greets the other 3 women (whose calves must be killing from standing and waiting in heels for that long). No one needs to be eliminated since Ali peaced on out and an overall sense of relief washes over the girls to see one of the biggest threats gone. Jake lightens to mood to announce that next week, they’re heading to SAINT LUCIA! Beaches, bikinis, sunshine, hot tub makeouts…it’s going to be sexy reality TV gold.
Now that Ali’s gone (or is she? We see a clip of her calling Jake while he’s in St. Lucia next week), which lady will get the final rose? Though Gia’s my fave, my bet is on Tenley, who seems like the sort of sweet, gentle, small-town gal that will be a good match for our pilot.
And what about Ali? Do you think she made the right choice in leaving the Final Three (she wasn’t going to get cut last night) for her job? Let’s put it to a vote:
In case you missed The Bachelor last night, let me catch you up. Contestant Rozlyn Papa, a 28-year-old make-up artist, was accused of having an inappropriate relationship with a male producer of the ABC show and kicked off. Even better than a lousy recap from me, here’s footage of show host Chris Harrison confronting Rozlyn about the affair:
BORING! Too vague for my blood. I want deets! I want drama! Let’s bring the slutty producer out and discuss! He could come out holding a rose and the two transgressors could give us the scoop.
Jokes aside, BachelorJacob Pavelka was supposedly shocked by the news, didn’t see it coming. Rozlyn, has since spoken out in anger, accusing ABC of only wanting ratings (doy squared, am I right?) and claiming the producer was just a “good friend.”
If you ask me, none of this is shocking. Aren’t we used to reality show scandals by now? People not being there to actually find love, but for fame? Boyfriends past coming to the forefront to claim their woman? And so on. Rozlyn’s dismay at being given the boot seems so fabricated to me. Trying to put a bandaid on her rep or whatnot.
Though to be honest, I wouldn’t really want my reality shows to actually portray reality. On with the show! Well done, everybody.
Last night’sDancing With the Stars had a show-down let-down between the final 3: gymnast teenbot Shawn Johnson, French actor Gilles “Sexpants McGee” Marini andThe Bachelorreject Melissa Rycroft. Normally the finale nights are a lot of fun because the pairs get to perform a freestyle dance and let their personalities shine like the Mirrorball trophy itself.
So why was I sooo disappointed by the freestyle choreography by all 3 pros (Mark Ballas, Tony Dovolani and Cheryl Burke)?
Group Paso Doble (VIDEO): The night began with all three pairs attempting to out-fierce one another in a Paso Dobl-off. As usual, Shawn was limited by her emotional range (”if I furrow my brow, they’ll think I’m acting serious and passionate!”), Melissa was half-naked in a cape and faltered on a step, and Gilles played it dead sexy and stomped around the dance floor.
Shawn Johnson and Mark Ballas — Freestyle (VIDEO): Hm, tear-away clothes, Converse shoes, boosting each other into backflips and overly-cutesy facial expressions…Didn’t I see Mark Ballas already choreograph this Freestyle number with Kristi Yamaguchi two seasons ago? Yes, I did - and the pace was better then (VIDEO). Last night’s number with Shawn was probably the best of the 3 contestants, but a little too wild & crazy, like they were both struggling to keep up with the music and rushing from move to move. And I was distracted because for some reason, Shawn looked like a 40-year-old woman with all that make-up and blown-out hair. One might also describe her as a “sugarcube” - because of her sweet disposition and stocky body type. Oh snap, you know I said it! Judges loved it, I was not a fan.
Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani — Freestyle (VIDEO): God, what was Tony thinking? Does he have no idea what impresses the judges after all this time? Their 90’s hip-hop routine was no good. I’m sure the music was jarring to old man Len’s ears and it just wasn’t mainstream enough to be a crowd-pleaser. Plus, it wasn’t very fluid (as the judges mentioned) so the choreography itself was really lacking. Boooo!
Gilles Marini and Cheryl Burke — Freestyle (VIDEO): This performance should’ve been amazing. I mean of all the awesome dances Cheryl’s made for Gilles, how hard could it be to make one more for the final night? Once I saw Cheryl in her hot pink, glittered 80’s dress and Gilles’ tore up jeans and Wolverine sliced shirt, I knew it had to be Flashdance. Now I looooove “What a Feeling” like most gals, but I completely agreed with the judges: WTF was Cheryl thinking? Flashdanceisn’t about a male dancer at all - it’s all about a steel town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life. The entire dance became about Cheryl as the female character, doing the Flashdancemoves while Gilles lamely followed along and lifted her once in awhile. Dis-a-point-ed.
Blech! I think Gilles and Cheryl deserve the trophy overall, but what a stinker of a last impression. I’ll be too busy watching American Idol tonight to find out who wins, but that’s what the news is for, chums.
Daisy, as hard to look at as she is, has proven herself to be quite a sympathetic object of affection. I really do believe that she’s actually looking for love! In like, a totally entertaining way, though. She’s still down to make out and party or whatever. Don’t worry, this isn’t The Bachelor, we don’t have to pretend that anyone’s actually making an intellectual connection.
So anyway, enough about Daisy and her dudes, back to ME. I’d like to let you know that I’ve thrown my support behind a particular Daisy of Love contestant.
Feast your eyes on LONDON:
He’s not British, but he’s cute, wears eyeliner, and sorta looks like Billie Joe from Green Day. No face tattoo, either. What more could you hope for from this group of losers?