OMFG! Gossip Girl is back with new episodes! Will they be good episodes?
Nopes! Last night’s return should’ve been really, really triumphant. But it wasn’t.
Picture it, Sophia Petrillo style: our gang getting prepped to perform in a theater production of Edith Wharton’s The Age of Innocence to fulfill a senior requirement. So much potential awesomeness.
The Gossip Girl book series was originally modelled on the social-commentary classic, after all. This episode was well-poised to blow my supersmart mind with meta-layers of meta.
Personally, I was all ready to dust off my liberal arts diploma and get all annoyingly analytical on this shizz. Unfortch, there wasn’t much to think about, and I was left being dumb ole Kat, twiddlin’ her thumbs, as per usual.
My issues with the ep:
Really, Yale?! You’re gonna decline Blair’s acceptance AGAIN because of Gossip Girl? This Ivy league’s wishy-washier than a freshman-year-of-college LDR. Remind me to go to Princeton next time. Oops, didnt get in to either of those. Go Bears!
Really, Serena?! You have a crush on that obviously gay theater director who’s like Simon from American Idol mixed with Project Runway winner Christian Siriano with a dash of that English teacher with the chip on his shoulder you had in high school, but in a really bad way? And you’re going to have Vanessa feed pseudo-intellectual tidbits into your Bluetooth so you can impress him? Note: remind me to ask someone pretentious if any smart stuff was actually said (HI SIS!).
Really, Nate?! Do you really think Vanessa’s flirting with the obviously gay theater director over the phone? Is this Three’s Company I’m watching here?
Really, Dan?! You really have to pass notes to pedo-teach? You haven’t heard of email? Throw me a bone here, I’m sure you both have Facebook accounts.
Really, pedo-teach? I mean, REALLY?! Get the fudge off my TV screen.
Really, Chuck?! We’re continuing with this Eyes Wide Shut storyline? Really?! This is worth our time?
Really, Elle and Carter?! Are those your names? Do you really expect me to remember who you are? Do we really need this many characters?
Really, end-of-episode theater critic?! You thought the play’s modern “breakdown” was smart? You really thought that was clever? Are you a Baz Luhrman fan but also sort of retarded?
Really, Blair?! We’re going with an I’m-bad-to-the-core conclusion? Even Ozzy Osbourne figured his shizz out, dude. Get over it.
Um, that about sums it up. Dan got rid of pedo-teach for being a meanie, Chuck went to find Blair, but Blair was busy having sexy drinks with this Carter character we’re all of a sudden supposed to know about. Oh, and Nelly Yuki looked pretty cute in a fat suit, as did Dorota in her pink bathrobe.
I’m getting worried, y’all. If Gossip Girl declines the way The O.C. did, I’ll be left with nothing but a batch of ’80s teen movie VHS tapes.
Please help me. xoxo!