It’s…. HAMMERTIME!

Yeah!  Late ’90s/early ’90s rapper MC Hammer is following in the footsteps of musical has-beens Flavor Flav (Flavor of Love) and Bret Michaels (Rock of Love) and getting his own reality show.

It’ll be called Hammertime.  Doi.

Each half-hour episode will follow the daily lives of Hammer and his fam - one wife and five kids, to be exact - in Oakland, California.  Executive producer J.D. Roth claims the show will be similar to an unscripted version of The Cosby Show, which I find hard to believe, because Dr. Huxtable was an MD, not an MC.

HA!!!

It’s been picked up by A&E and will be produced by the makers of The Biggest Loser and Beauty and the Geek.

I don’t know what y’all think, but in my opinion, this show sounds like it might be really good.  Actually, I’d say the idea was…

TOO LEGIT TO QUIT!

Wahoo!  Here’s what Bret Michaels, star of Rock of Love, Rock of Love 2, and Rock of Love Bus had to say about Friends / whateverthatmoviescalled star Jennifer Aniston:

“There is no doubt I find Jennifer to be very hot, smart, funny down-to-earth and a great actress. She is creative and seems to be on top of her business as well. Most importantly, she seems like someone you could take home to meet mom — yet, behind closed tour bus doors, she could rock your world. I am really just stating the facts as I see them.”

On her relationship with John Mayer, he says he respects it, “but should John fall out of the picture for some reason… I’m just saying.”

Hey-ohhh!  As a huge Bret Michaels fan and a big believer that Jennifer Aniston is a total bummer, this hypothetical coupling warms me to my core.  Jennifer Aniston alone?  Sad and pathetic.  Jennifer Aniston and Bret Michaels?  A couple of adorable forty-year-olds who’ve decided there’s honor in settling for less and will forever live a warm life of mind-numbing comfort, crying in each other’s arms and flat-ironing one another’s hair!

Will you stay in this house and continue to rock Bret Michaels’s world, Jen?

And P.S., go ahead and lie to my face and tell me you can’t picture this young lady writhing around on stage wearing stone-washed denim and a Poison t-shirt cut off at the shoulders:

GET ON THE BUS, JENNIFER ANISTON!

Oh my gosh.  I’ve been trying to put my feelings for the VH1 Rock of Love reality series into words, but I JUST CAN’T!

Question: what does falling in love feel like to YOU?

Ahem.  So if you’re totally dumb and don’t know, former Poison frontman Bret Michaels has failed TWICE at making a tatted-up and implanted-out skank his perma-groupie with the two previous Rock of Love shows.  The season 1 & 2 ladies just couldn’t hang with his rock and roll lifestyle!

Listen, you guys.  I’ve got a plan.  We need to take these ladies on the road and on tour to see if they can hang with the hard-boozin, bimbo-dodging backstage world of bouncers and forehead bottle-smashing.  With this, we bring you: Rock of Love Bus!!!

That’s Rock of Love [space] Bus AND Rock of [space] Love Bus, if you ask me.  BRILLZ!

Ha.  Part of why I like this show is, Bret attempts to represent his world as what it might have been like back in the late ’80s, back when babes jumped on stage and slithered around in red leather mini-dresses with pythons around their necks, holding key-tars.  In reality, he’s probs just performing for fat people at State Fairs and may not know about the Internet.  It’s like one big non-stop reverie with this guy!

On to the show!  Most seasons have a couple of really awesome broads who’re so dumb, you think they’re probs secret geniuses creating outlandish characters (like Tracy Morgan, obv).  This season is no different.

Howevs, this season’s standout, for me at least, is Brittaney (sic).  This one’s my absolute fave.  Reasons I love Brittaney:

- Episode 1, Bret realizes he recognizes Brittaney from somewhere.  Oh, right, Brittaney used to be a porn star!  Good lookin’ out, Bret.

- Everything makes Brittaney cry, because Brittaney is IN LOVE WITH BRET!!! and DEEPER THAN YOU!!! and BEING VICTIMIZED!!! and VERY INSECURE!!!  Peep this amazing screencap from last night’s ep that says it all:

Heh.

- Brittaney realizes she isn’t getting enough ‘facetime’ with Bret, so she straps on a bikini and gives him a lap dance that’d basically be TMI for even her OB/GYN.

- Brittaney gets pissed she doesn’t win some trivia contest and thus screams at winner Natasha for only getting the prize cuz she’s black, which was totally kosher for her to say cuz her grandfather is “a beautiful black man.”  That’s like the OPPOSITE of racist, you guys.  I bet she even lets gramps drink from the same water fountain as her!

Heart this trainwreck!  Brittaney’s like Jen Aniston, except really fun to have around. What a hot mess, as Erin would say!

Le sigh.  I really do recommend people of every age, sex, race, religious denomination, and political affiliation watch Rock of Love Bus.  Heck, invite your beautiful black grandfather to watch with you!  It’s truly a feast for the senses.