Don’t forget, Tyra’s an author, too!

With Thanksgiving tomorrow, we can give thanks for the continued frenzy and insanity of America’s Next Top Model. The All-Star Edition has given Tyra plenty of opportunities to make a fool of not only herself, but the silly wenches who signed up for the show instead of continuing on with their lives. Silly wenches! Don’t you know Tyra will wring every drop of dignity out of you and shred your self-confidence? So young, so stupid.

So, in this special edition of Top Model Thursdays (since today is Wednesday), let’s run down what exactly has happened on this topsy-turvy, one-time-only, cycle:

Nicki Minaj: Episode 1! Meet the contestants, fourteen hasbeens and neverweres from past seasons–er, cycles–and hear the prizes! This cycle, the girls are vying for a $100,000 Cover Girl contract, a national campaign for Express, a spread in Vogue Italia, and a guest correspondent gig with Extra. Express is still around? Good for them! Haterade abounds, there is fan feedback (Alexandria gets booed!) and Nicki Minaj is the guest judge. Drunken barmaid Brittany gets the boot.

Ashlee Simpson: Episode 2! Ty-overs, which in actual English means makeovers. Crying! Screaming! Rending of garments! And then a shoot with hot dogs. Seriously–you all signed up for this, willingly? It’s a sign of what’s to come, to be sure. Sheena bites the bullet, so to speak, and is sent home, lazy eye, fake boobs, and all.

Kristin Cavallari: Episode 3! Kristin pep talks the girls on how to be a reality star and break out of reality whilemaintaining your star–all while on Dancing With The Stars. Quite ironic, no? Then, they got to meet Mario Lopez! What’s up, Slater?! So exciting, to meet D-list celebrities. The photo challenge involves stilts, and Isis gets the big ol’ goodbye.

Anthony Zuiker: Episode 4! He created CSI, guys, and the girls audition for a teensy tiny role on the show. Guest role, Camille, not permanent cast member. The photo shoot is for Express, because somehow Express is still relevant, and even though Lisa’s insanity is showing, Camille is bounced for being old and boring.

LaToya Jackson: Episode 5! LaToya! Kardashians! Kardashian Kollection! Blackface! Nobody goes home! Sigh. Hello, downward spiral.

Coco Rocha: Episode 6! Never before in the history of Top Model has there been a flag football challenge! Rock of Love, yes, ANTM? No! Challenge accepted! Though, seriously, the Rock of Love one was so much better. Watch that, instead of this. Bye bye, Bre.

Kathy Griffin: Episode 7! All you need to know is that the photo challenge is inspired by Snooki and NeNe Leakes(Real Housewives of Atlanta). Seriously. Fortunately, a double elimination cuts down the number of remaining episodes: Kayla and Bianca, who was always up for a good fight, are taken out back and shot.

Game: Episode 8! The Game is now just Game, which is weird. Also weird? The Youtube “stars” that show up throughout this episode. Also weird? “Pot ledom is Top Model backwards” Gross, Tyra! It will not become a thing! But thanks for the memories, Alexandria, as you get kicked out the door.

Nikos Papadopoulos: Episode 9! Greece! Just when you think you’ve seen everything, just when you think Tyra has thrown everything she can at these poor women, just when you think they’re overseas and safe (but for the inevitable go-sees), suddenly there’s a lingerie shoot in a…giant Greek salad? Yeah. Shannon refused to participate (due to the lingerie, not the salad) and is hopefully relieved to go back to her husband and regular life. This show, man.

No One Famous Enough to Get an Episode Named After Them: Episode 10! Fake Olympics. Angelea can’t say “shot put.” Relationships are breaking down. Everyone is mean! Nigel Barker does the photoshoot, which really means the end is nigh. Finally! Although it will be without Dominique.

Tonight is a recap show (if you’d like more recap than the above). Four girls remain, with my money on Allison to bring home the dubious honors!

Top 11 before makeovers!

Tyra’s changing the game on America’s Next Top Model! Last night’s elimination left me mightily surprised, and not a little pleased. It was finally time for makeovers, and the remaining eleven almost screamed themselves hoarse at the very idea of change. Little did they know that only some of them would have drastic changes, and no one would go very long to very short (always my favorite, for the sheer dramatics). The makeovers were, frankly, a little boring. The girls read Tyra’s ideas for them off a curtain, then showed up at the salon and got their hair did! And that was it! Mr. Jay Manuel and Ms. Jay Alexander were there to give feedback and to scare the jeebus out of Jaclyn, who is truly as dumb as the small box of hair cut from her head.

Most of the girls (Kasia, Hannah, Alexandria, Mikaela, Monique, and Jaclyn) stayed more or less the same–some went a little longer, some went a little darker or brighter, but by and large look the same. Dalya was the recipient of Tyra’s favorite thing to do to black girls: the Naomi Campbell weave. Doesn’t really work for Dalya–the planes of her face are too strong, and she looks a little draggy. Sara went shorter, much to her chagrin. “Give me long hair!” she wailed. Girl, please! Everyone wants long hair, until they realize they have to take care of it! Dominique got a big, bright red weave that looked crazy, Brittani got a fierce dark brown bob, and Molly got a gross blonde weave. Tyra was going for a blonde Diana Ross (like Christina Aguilera in the “Lady Marmalade” video) but ended up with dirty hippie. Seriously stank! Molly was as good a sport as she could be, unlike Alexandria, who is the whiner of the bunch.

Alexandria even bitched during the photo shoot, and the celebrity stylist Lori Goldstein not only noticed, but commented on it at panel. ‘Moted! Unfortunately, Alexandria got best photo anyway, proving that pride doesn’t always go before a fall. Bottom two were Raggedy Ann impersonator Dominique and androgynous Sara. Expecting Tyra to keep to her regularly scheduled racially charged cycle, I was sure Sara was going home. Not so fast! Tyra pulls a fast one, eliminating Dominique! This means one of two things: either Kasia or Dalya win…or it’s anybody’s game!

And can I just say, Monique would be an excellent addition to the Rock of Love girls, should Bret Michaels feel up to another season.

Next week: a fiery runway walk! I will make at least one Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me joke!

They’re sitting very close to each-other! Get it off the air!

MTV’s Skins, a US re-make of the UK Skins, has got exactly what any self-respecting show aimed at young people wants: tons of buzz for being too controversial and parents complaining left and right about what the show depicts. Sounds like something in the tradition of iconic MTV shows like Beavis and Butthead and The Real World that came before. So why isn’t MTV celebrating it’s new edgy show? Well, it’s hard to make money off a TV show that no one wants to advertise on. And at the end of the day, ads are what counts. I mean even a show like Antiques Roadshow remains profitable because they can get ads for fiber supplements and walk-in bath tubs. Those are very hot markets.

But advertisers are abandoning Skins after the backlash from parent groups threatening to boycott any business that dares to advertise during such a scandalous program. The latest drop-outs are Taco Bell and Subway, though I can’t say I blame them. There has to be a big crossover between people with enough time on their hands to write letters to TV networks and those that eat horrible chain-restaurant food on a regular basis. In a related story, I will still refuse to buy a walk-in bath until Antiques Roadshow agrees to re-appraise my ceramic ALF cookie jar for over $8. It’s priceless! Some critics are even going so far as to say that Skins is skirting dangerously close to child pornography, and that legal action should be taken against the producers of the show who are responsible for filming underage kids in these scenarios. Well there is a very easy way to determine whether the show is child pornography: does Roman Polanski have a season pass recording set for it on DVR?

Changing topics, Bret Michaels, a man who knows all about putting perfectly legal filth/almost porn on TV, is once again in surgery. Those who read Square Eyes know of our love of Bret, so we just want to wish him well and a speedy recovery so he can get back to making awesome reality TV! He’s currently having a hole in his heart (discovered during his weeks of health fiascoes surrounding his brain hemorrhaging) patched up. Though we all know he will always have a hole in his heart that only making out with strippers and picking out bandannas to jam in can fill.

Vince Neil: one time biggest rocker in the world, current figure skater

I’m sure by now you all know there is a new reality competition show on TV called Skating With the Stars. It premiered this week and I’m certain most “I’m thankful for…” speeches around your Thanksgiving table this year made mention of it. Finally, a show about celebrities ice-skating! How come no one has thought of this before? It’s perfect for those who like the concept of Dancing with the Stars, but would like to see them slip on ice and possibly get sliced by their own bladed shoes more often. And with the caliber of stars on Dancing With the Stars this year (David Hasselhoff was sadly the biggest celeb amongst them, and somehow he got kicked off first), who are the lucky “stars” who couldn’t get booked on Dancing and have to humiliate themselves on ice?

Vince Neil of Motley Crue fame is probably the biggest star since he was the lead singer of one of the biggest bands of the 80’s. Sure, since then he has most notably appeared on The Surreal Life, but he still was a star at one point. Next up is Bethenny Frankel, who apparently just jumps from one reality show to another, including The Real Housewives of New York City and Bethenny Getting Married? I like that the question mark is included, because as someone with no familiarity, I don’t get how she went from a Housewife show to a bridal show. Did they forget Bethenny’s Bitter Divorce in between? Brandon Mychael Smith is a rapper/actor known for his roles on Sonny With a Chance and Phil of the Future, so this is good training for when his career flat-lines and he has to reprise those roles on tour with Disney on Ice. Johnny Moseley is an Olympic Skier, meaning he has an unfair proximity to skating advantage. And finally Sean Young is an actress who nobody seems to hire anymore and Rebecca Budig is from the soap opera All My Children, so the old people who actually know she is can’t stay up late enough for a prime-time TV show and sure as heck can’t program a DVR. Boy oh boy, quite the stars indeed!

Remember earlier when I questioned why no one had thought of this concept before? Well I’m sure most of the world forgets, but they did. It was called Skating with Celebrities and only aired 4 years ago, but nobody remembers because it failed. And sadly, with celebrities like Dave Coulier from Full House, honorary Keeping up with the Kardashians featured player Bruce Jenner, model/weather lady/actress? Jillian Barberie, and Todd Bridges (Willis form Diff’rent Strokes), I’d say it was way more star-studded than this new incarnation. Sorry Johnny Moseley, you’re just no Willis. Nobody quotes a catchphrase with a reference to you in it.

The first star gets kicked off tonight, with many speculating that Vince Neil will be the one to go. Because why not kick off the one cast-member who actually did sell out world tours? At least he might be able to get a Rock of Love style gig out of it…

This t-shirt sets the tone

Poor New Jersey!  Just when you thought you were safe from Jersey Shore-related nonsense—The Situation is long gone from Dancing With the Stars, Jersey Shore is done for the season—VH1 decides to get in the mix.  Yes, last night brought us the new show (try to keep a straight face) My Big Friggin’ Wedding, following 5 unrelated couples as they plan and execute (let’s make that a pun) their weddings in the fine, yet beleaguered, Garden State.  Nia Vardalos, see what you started?!  Although, to be fair, these people do say friggin’ wedding quite a lot.  There’s nothing quite like spending some time watching stereotypes come to life, is there?  It’s like Jersey Shore met Bridezillas, who then had an affair with The Real World and The Bad Girls Club, then had a kid (My Big Friggin’ Wedding), and no one is quite sure who the father is.  It’s disgusting, intriguing, horrible and awesome, just like reality television should be! First, we met Johnny and Megin.  Johnny has culinary dreams (though he doesn’t really cook) and wants to make his line of meatballs—dubbed Johnny Meatballs—a success.  Megin just wants him to get a job, already, ya bum!  She herself has a job, a kid, and a bun in the oven.  Megin wants that bun out and about before the wedding, ‘cuz mama needs to get wasted! Tyler and Alyssa are from South Jersey, apparently totally different from North Jersey, and also have a kid.  And a house.  And a Mercedes!  Clearly I’m doing something wrong with my life.  Alyssa and her mom Marilyn are BFF, like sisters!  Eep. Joey and Sandra are tanning their way to happiness.  Think President Obama has an opinion on that?  Neither do I. Danny and Tammie are a multicultural, delusional couple who seemed destined for failure.  Danny’s kids have a problem with Tammie, as he cheated on his former wife with her, but as Danny says, “If it wasn’t Tammie it would’ve been somebody else.”  Classy. Finally, Matt and Amanda.  They met when Amanda was dating one of Matt’s friends.  The friend went to jail, Amanda hooked up with Matt, everyone wins.  Matt loves her, but boy does he love his mother!  Freaky.  And his mom has no problem talkin’ the smack behind their backs. Judging by the previews, things only get more, er, Jersey, from here on out!

VH1 showed sense, following the klassy couples with the lovely Bret Michaels: Life as I Know It.  His daughters Raine and Jorja just get better every week!

-This post brought to you by DIANA

Bret Michaels talk today!! I can’t be the only one who watched Rock of Love Girls: Where Are They Now? last night, can I?  As a whole, it was not particularly illuminating—but nice to see updates from seasons 1, 2, and Bus.  Producers packed a whopping fifteen former Bret girls into an hour, loosely held together by douchetool Riki Rachtman, who could barely hide his disdain for the teleprompter.   Aren’t you dying to know who made the cut?  Unfortunately, there was no DJ Lady Tribe, no Brittaney Starr, and no mention or sign of Gia Lynn or her ladybits.  Instead, we saw a lot of Heather Chadwell (who not only still has her Bret tattoo, but also appears to have a Rock of Love tramp stamp!), who lives in Las Vegas and has a 2011 calendar coming out.  Yay?  Also in Vegas are Taya Parker (running a striptease show at the Sahara; Bret broke her heart; she’s a nice girl!), Marcia ‘Brazil’ Alves (loves guns and tequila), and everybody’s favorites, the Blondetorage Farrah Sinclair and Ashley Klarich, who were the highlights of the show. Still BFFs, still stripping, still drinking, these two are a riot and a half.  Lacey Conner and Daisy de la Hoya both live in LA and are crappy singers in crappy bands (Daisy sings with a British accent—WTF?), and Daisy fancies herself an actress.  It’s sad. Destiney Moore is now a single mom, living in LA, and poses for Hustler (her baby is adorable, by the way!), ‘cause she gotta do what she gotta do!

Cindy ‘Rodeo’ Steedle works with a lot of charities (awww) and inspires people with her crazy laugh.  Frenchy, otherwise known as Angelique Morgan, drives a Barbie pink car, still strips, and seems to be enjoying her life.  Tamara Witmer, who couldn’t figure out how to exit the set on both Rock of Love and I Love Money, lives with her parents and wants a man (boring!).  Both Megan Hauserman and her sidekick, Brandi Cunningham, live in Florida.  Megan’s engaged to a mobster (and went wedding dress shopping in a bikini—now that is class), and Brandi got engaged on the show last night (of course)!  They don’t seem to keep in touch.  And I’ve saved the best two for last: remember Kristy Jo, who was technically still married when she was on Rock of Love 2?  Well, she and her husband not only worked things out, but moved to Arizona and have twin boys!  She’s probably the most well adjusted out of all the girls, and that’s saying something, considering what a trainwreck she was on the show.  Least well adjusted?  Well, that would be Mindy Hall, the runner-up to Taya on Rock of Love Bus.  She still lives in Cincinnati, but seems to be between homes, is still in love with Bret, and is shooting a calendar called ‘Indulgence and Desire,’ which includes pictures of her (fully clothed) splattered with brownie mix.  Sexy?  Er.  You decide.

Bret Michaels: Life As I Know Itdebuted following ROLG:WATN?, and Bret Michaels is still awesome, and his daughters are still adorable.  Fully endorsed!

-This post brought to you by DIANA

I’m Dr. Drew, and I see dollar signs within your issues

First things first: tonight’s season-ending episode of 16 and Pregnant (you know, the heartbreaking one, as opposed to all the other heartbreaking ones) will be followed by the Life After Labor reunion special, hosted by the doucheriffic, dreadful, distasteful and disgraceful Dr. Drew. Man, I hate that guy!  Bring back Adam Carolla!  MTV has been running previews showing that Josh Drummond is still a sociopathic little so-and-so, and dumbass Dr. Drew does nothing to shut him up or down.  Damn, son.  I want both of them dissed and dismissed!  Teen Mom, which followed some of the girls from 16 and Pregnant Season One, has been renewed for a second season.  No word yet if they’ll continue on with girls from season one or switch to girls from the current season.

And in other (formerly) trashy reality television news, VH1 is revamping their programming and coming back with a jaw-dropping 44 new shows next season!  And dumping their trashy reality shows!  I am GOBSMACKED.  And heartbroken.  The world won’t be the same without For the Love of Ray J, Tool Academy, or Rock/Bus of Love. I can hardly see through the tears streaming out of my eyes!  I wonder where Tough Love (with or without Couples) falls on the spectrum.  Although, frankly, the new stuff doesn’t sound all that different from current programming: You’re Cut Off!, which rehabs nine spoiled party girls, and Money Hungry, described as “a weight-loss competition strip in which contestants risk losing $10,000 of their own cash if they don’t reduce their caloric intake.”  I wonder if these contestants are E- or F-list celebrities, or just people who want to be E- or F-list celebrities.  VH1 will also be moving more back towards music, with 40% of its overall schedule put towards music-themed programming, including bringing back Behind the Music and VH1: Storytellers.

Want to see something awesome?  Click HERE to see Kate Gosselin begging her family, friends and acquaintances to vote for her on Dancing with the Stars.  I lolzed all over the place.   Lame!  Kick her ass off, already!

-This post brought to you by…DIANA

Reality stars seem to be having a rough week! And what’s even worse, apparently there are no cameras around to film it! Come on TV people, get your acts together. These folks need to be under constant supervision.

First came news that Bret Michaels (best known for making out with strippers on TV, occasionally singing) was rushed to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. Anyone who watches Celebrity Apprentice knows how Bret is a diabetic (about half this week’s episode was dedicated to him crying about the possibility of his daughter having diabetes as well), which apparently led to some complications with the surgery that he is still recovering from. He better make a speedy recovery, because it has been far too long since we had a new season of Rock of Love. Bret claimed the third season (which, in order to make the show somehow more trashy, took place on a bus) would be his last, but his inability to avoid flirting with any female he encounters on Celebrity Apprentice proves the man has still got it. Come on Bret, we need you to get better! There’s a submarine full of strippers waiting for you in season 4!

Speaking of the various ladies that Bret has made out with on TV and possibly caught something from, Megan Hauserman has found herself in hot water this week. Legal hot water, that is. Not like the filthy hot water she’s used to from the hot tubs of various reality shows. Megan (who has appeared on Beauty and the Geek, Rock of Love, Rock of Love: Charm School, I Love Money, and her own Megan Wants a Millionaire) has made a career out of being drunk and annoying on camera, but apparently this same behavior while driving a car is considered a “crime” by some out of touch cops who don’t know when they’re encountering VH1 greatness. Or should I say former VH1 greatness? Megan has apparently fallen on hard times since Megan Wants a Millionaire was canceled (because of some small controversy about one contestant killing his girlfriend and stuffing her in a suitcase) and has returned to her first love/only skill of working at a strip club. Cheer up Megan, things could be worse! You could have ended up with the murderer!

In other legal news about my guilty pleasure reality shows, the filming of Steven Segal: Lawman has been suspended due to allegations by a California woman claiming that Steven Segal hired her as an assistant and constantly groped her, even forcing her into a house where he had other women who were expected to have relations with him. I know, I know, what will we do without Steven Segal: Lawman in our lives? At least maybe we have Steven Segal: Convict to look forward to!

In The Hills news (aka horrible people saying horrible things about other horrible people), a verbal war has broken out between Audrina and Heidi/Spender Pratt. After Audrina made some snarky comments about Heidi’s multiple plastic surgeries on TV, Heidi sent her creepy bearded attack dog after her. Spencer even took on The Jersey Shore’s Jwow for the heck of it in his weirdly patriotic comment: “Audrina — Don’t hate because your nasty Tijuana plastic surgery got you no press. So glad my wife gets her surgery in Bev Hills and not where Jwow and Audrina go. We love American doctors!” This further strengthens my hopes that the finale of this final season of The Hills (which begins airing April 27) will feature the producers tricking the entire cast into boarding a rocket for space, the whole series being a carefully plotted conspiracy to get these people off our planet. Yes, we do risk them forming their own space colony and Earth being invaded by a new race of self-absorbed, entitled, spray-tanned humanoids in the distant future, but I believe it’s worth the risk.

Finally, American Idol’s Crystal Bowersox apparently had a breakdown on the set and threatened to quit the show and move back to Ohio, unable to take the stress of being the presumed front-runner. Ryan Seacrest supposedly saved the day by talking her through it, acting as the Jiminy Cricket to her Pinocchio. The Yoda to her Luke Skywalker. Basically any diminutive creature that gives sage advice. I would imagine it was more begging, as in, “Oh god please don’t leave, you’re the only one that can sing! Paula left, Simon is leaving, even the guy who leads the band is leaving…please don’t leave me here…I’m so alone…” I believe at this point he began openly weeping.

versus

Newsflash, newsflash, newsFLASH!  Everyone’s favorite Toolette on Tool Academy 3, Jennavecia Russo, is not so new to the reality television circuit (and really, is anyone these days?).  She was last seen, sans non-Tool boyfriend Kyle, on Season 2 of The Bad Girls Club.

Oh, Season 2 of The Bad Girls Club?  You mean like current Celebrity Fit Club contestant Tanisha Thomas?  THAT Season 2 of The Bad Girls Club?!

My television show worlds have collided, gentle readers. While I have never been a fan of the aforementioned show (because saying the title again would be overkill), it is my understanding that Tanisha and Jennavecia were never close.  And, in fact, Tanisha popped off on Jennavecia (after Jennavecia punched her in the face) and pulled out some of her extensions.  You can see the buildup and all the action here.

Ah, tracks on the ground.  It’s like high school all over again.  While I don’t necessarily take sides, I think points go to Tanisha for ending up on Celebrity Fit Club, while Jennavecia’s star has definitely fallen.

Does this mean we’re in store for Rock of Love: The Bad Girls Club Reunion, in which Bret Michaels has only former bad girls to choose from?  One can only dream.

- This post was brought to you by Diana -

Oh my goodness, you guys!!!  I haven’t heard news this exciting in a while!  I literally gasped when I read the news!

Looks like my man Bret Michaels will be on the next season of Celebrity Apprentice!  The Poison frontman and Rock of Love / Rock of Love 2 / Rock of Love Bus (ha!) reality star will be duking it out again his fellow near-celebs to win Donald Trump’s respect and some dolla billz for the charity of his choice.

The New York Post put out a list of castmembers before NBC could even get to it.  Here’s what they have in store for us:

* Sharon Osbourne (America’s Got Talent)
* Cyndi Lauper (”Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”!)
* Carol Leifer (Seinfeld writer, Elaine was based on her)
* Bill Goldberg (wrestler)
* Daryl Strawberry (baseball dude)
* Curtis Stone (Aussie celebrity chef)
* Summer Sanders (Olympic gold medal swimmer)
* Sinbad (comedian!)
* Holly Robinson Peete (Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper?)
* Maria Canellis (wrestler)
* Rod Blagojevich (disgraced Illinois gov!)

The return of Blago!  The real Elaine!  Wrestling!  What do you think?  Will you be watching?