Catching Up on ANTM: All*Star Edition
Posted by Diana in America's Next Top ModelNovember 23rd, 2011, 02:03 PM

Don’t forget, Tyra’s an author, too!
With Thanksgiving tomorrow, we can give thanks for the continued frenzy and insanity of America’s Next Top Model. The All-Star Edition has given Tyra plenty of opportunities to make a fool of not only herself, but the silly wenches who signed up for the show instead of continuing on with their lives. Silly wenches! Don’t you know Tyra will wring every drop of dignity out of you and shred your self-confidence? So young, so stupid.
So, in this special edition of Top Model Thursdays (since today is Wednesday), let’s run down what exactly has happened on this topsy-turvy, one-time-only, cycle:
Nicki Minaj: Episode 1! Meet the contestants, fourteen hasbeens and neverweres from past seasons–er, cycles–and hear the prizes! This cycle, the girls are vying for a $100,000 Cover Girl contract, a national campaign for Express, a spread in Vogue Italia, and a guest correspondent gig with Extra. Express is still around? Good for them! Haterade abounds, there is fan feedback (Alexandria gets booed!) and Nicki Minaj is the guest judge. Drunken barmaid Brittany gets the boot.
Ashlee Simpson: Episode 2! Ty-overs, which in actual English means makeovers. Crying! Screaming! Rending of
garments! And then a shoot with hot dogs. Seriously–you all signed up for this, willingly? It’s a sign of what’s to come, to be sure. Sheena bites the bullet, so to speak, and is sent home, lazy eye, fake boobs, and all.
Kristin Cavallari: Episode 3! Kristin pep talks the girls on how to be a reality star and break out of reality while
maintaining your star–all while on Dancing With The Stars. Quite ironic, no? Then, they got to meet Mario Lopez! What’s up, Slater?! So exciting, to meet D-list celebrities. The photo challenge involves stilts, and Isis gets the big ol’ goodbye.
Anthony Zuiker: Episode 4! He created CSI, guys, and the girls audition for a teensy tiny role on the show. Guest role, Camille, not permanent cast member. The photo shoot is for Express, because somehow Express is still relevant, and even though Lisa’s insanity is showing, Camille is bounced for being old and boring.
LaToya Jackson: Episode 5! LaToya! Kardashians! Kardashian Kollection! Blackface! Nobody goes home! Sigh. Hello, downward spiral.
Coco Rocha: Episode 6! Never before in the history of Top Model has there been a flag football challenge! Rock of Love, yes, ANTM? No! Challenge accepted! Though, seriously, the Rock of Love one was so much better. Watch that, instead of this. Bye bye, Bre.
Kathy Griffin: Episode 7! All you need to know is that the photo challenge is inspired by Snooki and NeNe Leakes
(Real Housewives of Atlanta). Seriously. Fortunately, a double elimination cuts down the number of remaining episodes: Kayla and Bianca, who was always up for a good fight, are taken out back and shot.
Game: Episode 8! The Game is now just Game, which is weird. Also weird? The Youtube “stars” that show up throughout this episode. Also weird? “Pot ledom is Top Model backwards” Gross, Tyra! It will not become a thing! But thanks for the memories, Alexandria, as you get kicked out the door.
Nikos Papadopoulos: Episode 9! Greece! Just when you think you’ve seen everything, just when you think Tyra has thrown everything she can at these poor women, just when you think they’re overseas and safe (but for the inevitable go-sees), suddenly there’s a lingerie shoot in a…giant Greek salad? Yeah. Shannon refused to participate (due to the lingerie, not the salad) and is hopefully relieved to go back to her husband and regular life. This show, man.
No One Famous Enough to Get an Episode Named After Them: Episode 10! Fake Olympics. Angelea can’t say “shot put.” Relationships are breaking down. Everyone is mean! Nigel Barker does the photoshoot, which really means the end is nigh. Finally! Although it will be without Dominique.
Tonight is a recap show (if you’d like more recap than the above). Four girls remain, with my money on Allison to bring home the dubious honors!

Most of the girls (Kasia, Hannah, Alexandria, Mikaela, Monique, and Jaclyn) stayed more or less the same–some went a little longer, some went a little darker or brighter, but by and large look the same. Dalya was the recipient of Tyra’s favorite thing to do to black girls: the Naomi Campbell weave. Doesn’t really work for Dalya–the planes of her face are too strong, and she looks a little draggy. Sara went shorter, much to her chagrin. “Give me long hair!” she wailed. Girl, please! Everyone wants long hair, until they realize they have to take care of it! Dominique got
a big, bright red weave that looked crazy, Brittani got a fierce dark brown bob, and Molly got a gross blonde weave. Tyra was going for a blonde Diana Ross (like Christina Aguilera in the 
But advertisers are abandoning
Changing topics, Bret Michaels, a man who knows all about putting perfectly legal filth/almost porn on TV, is once again in surgery. Those who read Square Eyes know of our love of Bret, so we just want to wish him well and a speedy recovery so he can get back to making awesome reality TV! He’s currently having a hole in his heart (discovered during his weeks of health fiascoes surrounding his brain hemorrhaging) patched up. Though we all know he will always have a hole in his heart that only making out with strippers and picking out bandannas to jam in can fill.
Vince Neil of Motley Crue fame is probably the biggest star since he was the lead singer of one of the biggest bands of the 80’s. Sure, since then he has most notably appeared on
Remember earlier when I questioned why no one had thought of this concept before? Well I’m sure most of the world forgets, but they did. It was called Skating with Celebrities and only aired 4 years ago, but nobody remembers because it failed. And sadly, with celebrities like Dave Coulier from 
night brought us the new show (try to keep a straight face) My Big Friggin’ Wedding, following 5 unrelated couples as they plan and execute (let’s make that a pun) their weddings in the fine, yet beleaguered, Garden State. Nia Vardalos, see what you started?! Although, to be fair, these people do say friggin’ wedding quite a lot. There’s nothing quite like spending some time watching stereotypes come to life, is there? It’s like
no one is quite sure who the father is. It’s disgusting, intriguing, horrible and awesome, just like reality television should be! First, we met Johnny and Megin. Johnny has culinary dreams (though he doesn’t really cook) and wants to make his line of meatballs—dubbed Johnny Meatballs—a success. Megin just wants him to get a job, already, ya bum! She herself has a job, a kid, and a bun in the oven. Megin wants that bun out and about before
the wedding, ‘cuz mama needs to get wasted! Tyler and Alyssa are from South Jersey, apparently totally different from North Jersey, and also have a kid. And a house. And a Mercedes! Clearly I’m doing something wrong with my life. Alyssa and her mom Marilyn are BFF, like sisters! Eep. Joey and Sandra are tanning their way to happiness. Think President Obama has an opinion on
that? Neither do I. Danny and Tammie are a multicultural, delusional couple who seemed destined for failure. Danny’s kids have a problem with Tammie, as he cheated on his former wife with her, but as Danny says, “If it wasn’t Tammie it would’ve been somebody else.” Classy. Finally, Matt and
Amanda. They met when Amanda was dating one of Matt’s friends. The friend went to jail, Amanda hooked up with Matt, everyone wins. Matt loves her, but boy does he love his mother! Freaky. And his mom has no problem talkin’ the smack behind their backs. Judging by the previews, things only get more, er, Jersey, from here on out!

of Gia Lynn or her ladybits. Instead, we saw a lot of Heather Chadwell (who not only still has her Bret tattoo, but also appears to have a Rock of Love tramp stamp!), who lives in Las Vegas and has a 2011 calendar coming out. Yay? Also in Vegas are Taya Parker (running a striptease show at the Sahara; Bret broke her heart; she’s a nice girl!), Marcia ‘Brazil’ Alves (loves guns and tequila), and everybody’s favorites, the Blondetorage Farrah Sinclair and Ashley Klarich, who were the highlights of the show. Still BFFs,
still stripping, still drinking, these two are a riot and a half. Lacey Conner and Daisy de la Hoya both live in LA and are crappy singers in crappy bands (Daisy sings with a British accent—WTF?), and Daisy fancies herself an actress. It’s sad. Destiney Moore is now a single mom, living in LA, and poses for Hustler (her baby is adorable, by the way!), ‘cause she gotta do what she gotta do!
Hauserman and her sidekick, Brandi Cunningham, live in Florida. Megan’s engaged to a mobster (and went wedding dress shopping in a bikini—now that is class), and Brandi got engaged on the show last night (of course)! They don’t seem to keep in touch. And I’ve saved the best two for last: remember Kristy Jo, who was technically still married when she was on Rock of Love 2? Well, she and her husband not only worked things out, but moved to Arizona and have twin boys! She’s probably the most well adjusted out of all the girls, and that’s saying something, considering what a trainwreck
she was on the show. Least well adjusted? Well, that would be Mindy Hall, the runner-up to Taya on 
And in other (formerly) trashy reality television news, VH1 is revamping their programming and coming back with a jaw-dropping 44 new shows next season! And dumping their trashy reality shows! I am GOBSMACKED. And heartbroken. The world won’t be the same without 
Reality stars seem to be having a rough week! And what’s even worse, apparently there are no cameras around to film it! Come on TV people, get your acts together. These folks need to be under constant supervision.
Speaking of the various ladies that Bret has made out with on TV and possibly caught something from, Megan Hauserman has found herself in hot water this week. Legal hot water, that is. Not like the filthy hot water she’s used to from the hot tubs of various reality shows. Megan (who has appeared on
In
versus 

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