Did everyone see yesterday’s Rock of Love Bus?

For me, the star of yesterday’s episode was Ashley, a.k.a Juliette Lewisface.  Ashley gets crazy drunk, makes out with Farrah all sloppy-like to get male attention, then goes on a witch hunt to expose Beverly as a drummer-smoocher.  Bret’s drummer, to be exact.  Scandal!

But let me present to you my favorite scene of the episode:

Ashley talk-to-the-handing Beverly and requesting, no, DEMANDING a cheeseburger.  With subtitles, no less!  Homegirl is thisclose to getting a LOLAshley series if she isn’t careful.

And I absolutely loved her whaeva ‘tude as she stumbled around puking into trash cans. Whaeva I do what I want I live like a rock star whaeva she’s not here for Bret whaeva I want a cheeseburger so sophisticated whaeva I SAW YOU! whaeva if you wanna date a rock star you’d better get used to falling of the stage bitch whaeva! MAKING OUT! I want a cheeseburger!

Just drunk Ashley freestylin’, y’all.

Regardless of Beverly’s smooching and Ashley’s drunking, Brazillan babe Marcia was the one to leave the Rock of Love Bus this week.  Her tequila/Doritos breath will surely be missed!

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, everyone!

It seems to be a slow news day so far, so here’s a few breadcrumbs to follow:

The Hills / Bromance’s Brody Jenner appeared on Live with Regis & Kelly this morning and asks for Regis’s hand in bromance.  Good move, Brodes.

Speaking of The Hills!  Former McCain-ers Heidi and Spencer have thrown their support behind Barack Obama, as evidenced by their whimsical bike ride and Baracky t-shirts.  Suck it, GOP!

[Sorry dudes, tried not to blog about them, but I find their photo ops so LOL-worthy!]

Silly Full House-themed spoof of Rick Springfield’s “Jessie’s Girl” posted on Dave Coulier’s website: “Uncle Jesse’s Girl.”  Apparently, John Stamos sent it to him.  I like picturing that exchange.

Mildly funny.  Very very very mild.

Kelly Osbourne arrested for assault! Mama didn’t raise no fool!  Oh wait, I mean the opposite of that.  It’s off to Charm School for you, Kel!

Former porn star, sock-stealer, and Kat fave Brittaney was kicked off of Rock of Love Bus last night.  Weepsauce!  I will cry each week on your behalf, Britts.

That’s all for Monday so far!  Let’s hope the day picks up with some celeb scandal!

Oh my gosh.  I’ve been trying to put my feelings for the VH1 Rock of Love reality series into words, but I JUST CAN’T!

Question: what does falling in love feel like to YOU?

Ahem.  So if you’re totally dumb and don’t know, former Poison frontman Bret Michaels has failed TWICE at making a tatted-up and implanted-out skank his perma-groupie with the two previous Rock of Love shows.  The season 1 & 2 ladies just couldn’t hang with his rock and roll lifestyle!

Listen, you guys.  I’ve got a plan.  We need to take these ladies on the road and on tour to see if they can hang with the hard-boozin, bimbo-dodging backstage world of bouncers and forehead bottle-smashing.  With this, we bring you: Rock of Love Bus!!!

That’s Rock of Love [space] Bus AND Rock of [space] Love Bus, if you ask me.  BRILLZ!

Ha.  Part of why I like this show is, Bret attempts to represent his world as what it might have been like back in the late ’80s, back when babes jumped on stage and slithered around in red leather mini-dresses with pythons around their necks, holding key-tars.  In reality, he’s probs just performing for fat people at State Fairs and may not know about the Internet.  It’s like one big non-stop reverie with this guy!

On to the show!  Most seasons have a couple of really awesome broads who’re so dumb, you think they’re probs secret geniuses creating outlandish characters (like Tracy Morgan, obv).  This season is no different.

Howevs, this season’s standout, for me at least, is Brittaney (sic).  This one’s my absolute fave.  Reasons I love Brittaney:

- Episode 1, Bret realizes he recognizes Brittaney from somewhere.  Oh, right, Brittaney used to be a porn star!  Good lookin’ out, Bret.

- Everything makes Brittaney cry, because Brittaney is IN LOVE WITH BRET!!! and DEEPER THAN YOU!!! and BEING VICTIMIZED!!! and VERY INSECURE!!!  Peep this amazing screencap from last night’s ep that says it all:

Heh.

- Brittaney realizes she isn’t getting enough ‘facetime’ with Bret, so she straps on a bikini and gives him a lap dance that’d basically be TMI for even her OB/GYN.

- Brittaney gets pissed she doesn’t win some trivia contest and thus screams at winner Natasha for only getting the prize cuz she’s black, which was totally kosher for her to say cuz her grandfather is “a beautiful black man.”  That’s like the OPPOSITE of racist, you guys.  I bet she even lets gramps drink from the same water fountain as her!

Heart this trainwreck!  Brittaney’s like Jen Aniston, except really fun to have around. What a hot mess, as Erin would say!

Le sigh.  I really do recommend people of every age, sex, race, religious denomination, and political affiliation watch Rock of Love Bus.  Heck, invite your beautiful black grandfather to watch with you!  It’s truly a feast for the senses.

If you have the Golden Globe Awards on TiVo, SKIP IT! The winners were all deserving but uber-predictable, and the presenters parroted the blandest, teleprompted malarkey evs. Hey, GG’s: less talky, more clips of nominees. I could’ve been watching Rock of Love Bus for god’s sake - sheesh!

Just watch this video of goofy highlights and see full list of winners below:

TELEVISION:

- Best Series, Drama: Mad Men

- Best Actor, Drama: Gabriel Byrne, In Treatment

- Best Actress, Drama: Anna Paquin, True Blood

- Best Series, Musical or Comedy: 30 Rock

- Best Actor, Musical or Comedy: Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock

- Best Actress, Musical or Comedy: Tina Fey, 30 Rock

- Best Miniseries or Movie: John Adams

- Best Actress, Miniseries or Movie: Laura Linney, John Adams

- Best Actor, Miniseries or Movie: Paul Giammatti, John Adams

- Best Supporting Actress, Series, Miniseries or Movie: Laura Dern, Recount

- Best Supporting Actor, Series, Miniseries or Movie: Tom Wilkinson, John Adams

MOTION PICTURES:

- Best Picture, Drama: Slumdog Millionaire

- Best Picture, Musical or Comedy: Vicky Cristina Barcelona

- Best Actor, Drama: Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

- Best Actress, Drama: Kate Winslet, Revolutionary Road

- Best Director: Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire

- Best Actor, Musical or Comedy: Colin Farrell, In Bruges

- Best Actress, Musical or Comedy: Sally Hawkins, Happy-Go-Lucky

- Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight

- Best Supporting Actress: Kate Winslet, The Reader

- Best Foreign Language Film: Waltz With Bashir

- Best Animated Film: Wall-E

- Best Screenplay: Simon Beaufoy, Slumdog Millionaire

- Best Original Score: A.R. Rahman, Slumdog Millionaire

- Best Original Song: “The Wrestler” (performed and written by Bruce Springsteen), The Wrestler