Oh my goodness, you guys!!!  I haven’t heard news this exciting in a while!  I literally gasped when I read the news!

Looks like my man Bret Michaels will be on the next season of Celebrity Apprentice!  The Poison frontman and Rock of Love / Rock of Love 2 / Rock of Love Bus (ha!) reality star will be duking it out again his fellow near-celebs to win Donald Trump’s respect and some dolla billz for the charity of his choice.

The New York Post put out a list of castmembers before NBC could even get to it.  Here’s what they have in store for us:

* Sharon Osbourne (America’s Got Talent)
* Cyndi Lauper (”Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”!)
* Carol Leifer (Seinfeld writer, Elaine was based on her)
* Bill Goldberg (wrestler)
* Daryl Strawberry (baseball dude)
* Curtis Stone (Aussie celebrity chef)
* Summer Sanders (Olympic gold medal swimmer)
* Sinbad (comedian!)
* Holly Robinson Peete (Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper?)
* Maria Canellis (wrestler)
* Rod Blagojevich (disgraced Illinois gov!)

The return of Blago!  The real Elaine!  Wrestling!  What do you think?  Will you be watching?

For months we’ve been watching for updates on Rock of Love 2 and Beauty & the Geek alumn / professional gold-digger Megan Hauserman’s new show, all the while expecting it to be called Trophy Wife.

Now, it’s been announced that the VH1 series in question is to be titled Megan Wants a Millionaire, and is set to premiere Sunday, August 2nd.

But most importantly, the contestants have been announced!  I’ve pasted their pics below, with my personal predictions…

DAVID - Loves his iPhone:

DONALD - Turns out to actually be Megan’s absentee father, in a well-meaning but totally pervy attempt at reconnecting with her:

ALEX - Everyone knows his social networking start-up’s gonna fail:

SHAUN - He’s a professional poker player and he’s SOOOO ANNOYING:

GARTH - Just hoping Donald Trump will notice him:

FRANCISCO - Claims to have invented that crappy shirt he’s wearing.  Patent pending:

PUNISHER - Shut UP:

JAMES - Turns out to be Megan’s pick, which is totally bummer on account of he’s the non-millionaire producers planted on the show in order to teach Megan the true meaning of love:

RYAN - Most successful concierge of all time:

MIKE - Too easy.  Professional bowler:

JOE - Wrote for The Daily Show, but back when Craig Kilborn was host, though:

SEX-TOY DAVE: Ben Stiller’s cousin.  Dunno why he goes by “Sex-Toy.”

MATT - Markets a successful line of premium tequila.  That’s his real hair:

COREY - VH1 exec who decides to fill in last minute when another contestant comes to his senses and backs out.  His wife is totally pissed:

AUDI - Everybody thought he was kidding when he said he was the heir to the Audi fortune:

AL - His chain of restaurants is tacky, at best:

TJ - Ummm, he works for Salesforce maybe?:

What do you think?  Do you agree with my expert assessments?

Happy almost-4th of July, everybody!

In order to get the countdown to the long weekend started off right, I present to you a photo of Rock of Love reality star / Poison frontman Bret Michaels dressed as a pirate from a recent People magazine photo spread:

Swashbucklers seem oddly patriotic, don’t they?  Especially if they’re Bret Michaels!  The U.S. of A is full of rebels and rock stars, after all.  Suck it, Queen Mum!

[Source: Jezebel]

Poor Bret Michaels.  As I’m sure everyone’s heard by now, the Rock of Love reality star/rocker got pelted in the head by a descending backdrop whilst performing on stage at the Tony Awards this past week.

If you haven’t seen it - then, well, fine, here’s some video footage:

Originally, Bret just laughed it off, saying “All I remember is Shrek and the donkey helping me up, and Liza Minnelli giving me a towel.”  Good sport!

However, today, his rep has come out with a public statement, expressing annoyance with the backdrop plopdrop.  My fave parts in bold:

“After a performance by singer Bret Michaels at the Tony Awards Sunday night, he turned to exit the stage and was struck in the head by a descending half-ton stage prop, sweeping him off his feet causing contusions to his face and knocking him to the ground. Even at that point of impact, the heavy prop was still not halted and continued to descend even though Michaels remained underneath it. Witnesses state the singer moved himself out of the way just moments before the prop touched down. With all due respect to everyone working the Tony Awards, somewhere down the line there was a lack of communication and the prop should have been immediately halted until Michaels was clear. Sunday morning at rehearsals, Bret was never informed that the descending set piece existed, let alone would be moving into position as he was exiting the stage. Although Bret was visibly dazed, he remained extremely calm backstage as members of Poison’s road crew brought him a towel to wipe the blood from his face. His only comment at the time was, ‘What the hell just hit me?’ The severity of this injury is not being taken lightly as symptoms from head and neck injuries at first may seem like nothing and sometimes do not present for days. At this time, the full extent of his injuries remain to be seen until all x-rays are back. I find it surprising that a Tony spokesperson would brush off this incident with a comment stating, ‘Mr. Michaels missed his mark,’ with no mention of concern for his condition. If everyone at the Tonys were aware that Bret missed his mark, then they should have been aware enough to stop the set piece from hitting him or at least slowed it down until he cleared the stage. I feel had this incident happened to Liza Minelli, Dolly Parton or Elton John, the Tonys would have at least issued a letter of concern.”

Oh MAN!  So, a) I can’t think of anything cooler than having a member of Poison’s road crew wipe blood off your face, b) there are no marks in rock ‘n roll (unless you count TRACK MARKS badummmchhhh), and c) show the man some respect, Tony Awards!

I’m with the Bret Michaels’s rep on this one.  Liza Minelli may be wobblin’ on her own already with all those martinis jostlin’ around in her belly, but seriously, the second she gets smacked in the head by a stage prop, she’d raise a stink so stinky it’d be stinkier than her 2003 divorce with David Gest (oops, too soon?).

I’m putting my foot down: Bret Michaels deserves to be treated as Liza Minelli, no better, no worse.  The man is a national treasure!

Besides, they both do equally wonderful things with eyeliner.

Last night, on Daisy of Love - which I’ve come to realize is my favorite TV show at the moment, no shame - the guys were pitted against one another in some serious combat: cage fighting.  Luckily for them, Cage (an ACTUAL cage fighter) had excused himself from the show just one week prior, so they were spared some serious damage.

The fellas were split up by weight class to keep the fight fair.  Here’s how it went:

Big Rig vs. 12 Pack: A trained fighter, B.R. easily annihilated his ab-ulous competitor, though 12 Pack put up a pretty decent fight.

Fox vs. Chi-Chi: Fox seemed to be doing okay… for the first 37 seconds, after which he gave up.  He’s a hairdresser, he cuts hair!

Flex vs. 6 Gauge: Flex whooped 6 Gauge’s arse, to no one’s surprise.  Seems the general consensus in the house is that 6 Gauge doesn’t really try at much of anything (including competing for Daisy’s love!).

Chi-Chi vs. Sinister: Chi-Chi pledges he’d never hit his “little buddy,” but after Sinister gets a few good punches in, the Cheechmeister gets him in a choke-hold (no clue if its actually called that btw) and wins the match.  Suck it, little buddy!

In the end, Big Rig wins MVP and gets to go on a private date with Daisy, alone in a bubble bath.  Homeboy gets in the tub and immediately rubs his face in between her breasts, which doesn’t weird her out at all.  We can only assume people do that to her ALL the time.

But what DOES weird her out is when he tells her he’s falling for her and gives her a photo of his son.  Our fair Daisy has got her priorities wrong, methinks.

Otherwise, good date.  Before preparing for her next date - with Chi-Chi, Sinister, and Flex - Daisy goes outside to talk with 6 Gauge, on account of he’s been distant.  He tells her about his days as a stripper, pretending to love the ladies outside of work to get their moneys.  Daisy grimaces and tells him she loved stripping because she’s an entertainer, not for the money.  “I’m not that desperate,” she tells him.

Value judgments from Daisy of Love?!  LOVE IT.

Meanwhile, behind the scenes, Flex and 12 Pack team up to break up “the twins” - their nickname for BFFs/roomies Chi-Chi and Sinister. Flex starts going on and on about how if it were HIM in a competition for Daisy with his best friend, he’d kill him.  You can tell these sneaky mind games are starting to work on Sinister, who’s starting to resent Chi-Chi.

Okay!  So now we’re on our tattoo date and Chi-Chi continues kissing some serious butt and gets Daisy’s lips tattooed on his hip, which annoys Sinister, on account of he had thought up the idea like aaaages ago.  Blah blah Sinister gets the word “sinister” on his wrist, Flex gets a touch-up, yada yada yada am I the only one who doesn’t give a shizz about tats?

Back at the farm, Fox gets a call from his brother, who tells him that his girlfriend had just found out he was on the show and they like, start speaking Pig Latin or something to confuse us viewers at home.  Girlfriend?!  Yup!  Apparently Fox has been living with some babe until leaving for the show.  Unclear as to whether or not he broke it off with her.

Stupid, stupid Fox confides in 12 Pack, who tells him to immediately tell Daisy, which he does.  He really vaguely explains what’s going on, making his story hard to believe.  Luckily for him, Daisy’s too lost in his smoldering good looks to really give a rat’s A.  Besides, she basically did the same thing to Bret Michaels on Rock of Love 2, so she can’t really complain.

In the end Daisy decides to send 6 Gauge home, on account of she’s not really feelin’ it.  Fox is super relieved and tells us folks watching at home, “Honesty is… awesome.”  Well put, Fox.

What do you think, guys?  I, personally, stand by my pick: Flex.  Go home already, Fox!

Welcome back from the long weekend, everybody!

And what better way to dive back into the work week than to discuss Sunday’s Daisy of Love?  Let’s do this!

This episode followed the dudes as they directed a photo shoot to photograph the cover of Daisy’s single “Pretty Messed Up.”  The fellas were broken into two teams and given specific roles: art director, photographer, make-up/hair, model.

Daisy of Album Cover!  Here are the images the two teams came up with:

Not half bad!

It was close, but the punky/pinky shot won out in the end.  Fox was named team MVP regardless of being totally worthless, basically because he smooched it up with Daisy during the shoot and batted his eyelashes while he applied her make-up and trashy hair extensions.  He got to go on a solo date with our gal Daise, wherein he basically said a bunch of stupid, stupid shizz, like how he wants someone who will go out when he says he’s going out and how that makes him say, “Wow.”  You can’t make this stuff up, folks.  Put a lid on it, Fox.

Back at the homestead, Sinister was obviously all butthurt about not winning the MVP solo date for the rest of the ep on account of he came up with the shoot’s concept and look and basically directed the whole thing and everybody involved.  Apparently, Sinister thinks these competitions are based on merit rather than on being hot and flirty, which has been his Achilles’ heel since day one.  Dude might not be the dullest crayon in the box, but he certainly isn’t the sexiest, either.

It’s called Daisy of Love, not Daisy of Talent, loser.

But the show’s biggest stinker (besides a totally awesome skunk who snuck into the house and sprayed it up with stank, prompting 12 Pack to dump a bottle of tomato juice on his chiseled abs!) was Cage, who went totally apeshizz or, as our friend Fox put it, was “furiated” throughout the entire episode.  Homeboy burns Flex, attacks 6 Gauge, then hops back on Flex for a beatdown.  Not even sure exactly what he was so pissed about, to be honest; it was just one big flurry of fury.

Mamma mia!  Daisy of Anger Management Issues!

Cue testimonials from Cage ’bout how he had it so rough growing up that all he knows is fightin’.  Blah blah blah. He spends the end of the episode weeping it up (seriously, guy shoulda gotten one of those single-tear face tattoos rather than the weird tribal shizz he came up with) and H2Hing with Daisy about how he doesn’t think he can stay in the house without hurting someone.  In the end, Daisy and Cage decide he should leave, and thus, no one is sent home that night.

ANOTHER night of voluntary eliminations?  Why, I never!  I think it’s safe to say Daisy’s feeling pretty crappy about herself, as no one can get it together for long enough to try to win her love.  She leaves the room crying.  AGAIN.

IMHO, all this voluntary bouncing is sort of fun.  Adds some twists and turns, speeds up the show… and besides, you expect us to believe all these dudes would be into Daisy after seeing that pucker up close?  Love the honesty, fellas!

Oh, and in case you were interested, following the departure of my boy London (boo!), I’m throwing my support behind a new candidate.  He’s not entirely dumb as bricks, and he’s handsomer than the others… he’s Flex!:

Daisy of Eyeliner, it’s Flex FTW!

Step it up, dude!

Have y’all been keeping up with Daisy of Love?  You know I have!  We’re only three episodes in and already ELEVEN of the original twenty bros have been given the boot or bounced.

It seems VH1 casting directors did a crappy job casting the show, as the majority of dudes are either a) legitimately insane, b) terrible, or c) not there for Daisy.

The Swedish triplets just wanted free food and booze, Flipper was crazy, Brooklyn had a gf, Toolbox badmouthed Daisy, Torch and Weasel were ugly, and Cable Guy and Professor were snoozers.

I’m pleased to note that three of my four “guys who have no chance of winning” have already been given the boot.  I’m so good at this stuff.

Daisy, as hard to look at as she is, has proven herself to be quite a sympathetic object of affection.  I really do believe that she’s actually looking for love!  In like, a totally entertaining way, though. She’s still down to make out and party or whatever.  Don’t worry, this isn’t The Bachelor, we don’t have to pretend that anyone’s actually making an intellectual connection.

So anyway, enough about Daisy and her dudes, back to ME.  I’d like to let you know that I’ve thrown my support behind a particular Daisy of Love contestant.

Feast your eyes on LONDON:

He’s not British, but he’s cute, wears eyeliner, and sorta looks like Billie Joe from Green Day.  No face tattoo, either.  What more could you hope for from this group of losers?

LOLwut? London FTW!

BAM!

That’s right, folks, Bret Michaels’ autobiography Roses & Thorns officially has a cover!

Out June 23rd by Simon & Schuster, the book’ll take us from the Rock of Love star’s humble Pennsylvanian beginnings to fame/fortune fronting Poison, all the way to present-day VH1 reality star status.

Love that plumped pout!  And so well-manicured!  Such high cheekbones!  Oh boy, look at those piercing baby blues!

This is what dude looks like now, bee tee dubs:

PLOP.  Ouch.  Reality hurts, bro.

Every cowboy sings his sad, sad song, I guess.

Hurrah!  Today is full of exciting reality show news!

Now I KNOW you guys weren’t satisfied with Rock of Love 2, Rock of Love Bus, and Rock of Love Girls Charm School being the only Rock of Love spin-offs out there.  Which is why VH1 has come up with Daisy of Love, a reality dating show featuring Rock of Love 2’s Daisy De La Hoya!

As you’ll recall, Daisy De La Hoya was the totally amazing contestant in Rock of Love 2 who was denied an all-access pass to Bret Michaels’s heart, beating out everybody but Ambre.

Oh happy day, the VH1 blog has posted pics of the Daisy of Love cast members!  I’ve peered at these images closely and ascertained that these d00ds fit into approx. five different categories.

My classification system below.  Get excited, y’all, Daisy’s coming!

Aw, HELL no!

I have no words.  Some 20-year-old dude (obviously) named Eddie (clearly) who lives in Estero, Florida (of course) got reality whore Megan Hauserman TATTOOED on his bicep!

Remember Megan Hauserman? You’ve been trying to forget her since you saw her on Rock of Love 2, I Love Money, Rock of Love Charm School, and Beauty and the Geek, with little success.  She’s been racing through your mind since you first laid eyes on that burnt-biscuit pucker a few years back on VH1.  You’re looking forward to her upcoming series, Trophy Wife, and you wish you had the net worth to date her.  Face it: you want a tattoo of her on your bicep, too.

Hey!  Megan’s cheek in that tattoo kinda looks like a crescent roll.