Ali Lohan and the reptilian in a human suit sent down to replace her

Man, the lives of celebrities must be bizarre. But until every single one gets a reality show let us take a quick glimpse into what kind of odd shenanigans they found themselves in this week…

-As evidenced in the picture above, Ali Lohan apparently went into her plastic surgeon’s office and demanded he make her look like a wax museum statue of Russel Brand left out in the sun. While Lindsay Lohan spent the last year out and about getting arrested, going to rehab and falling out of her bikini at the beach (I think court hearings and wardrobe malfunctions are her full time career now), her 17 year old sister looks like she spent that time under the knife (a dull one?). ALLEGEDLY that is! Her representatives claim she had no such surgery and the changes are from her natural aging process. Unless she has a rapid aging disorder turning her into an actual skeleton I smell something fishy…

-Mel Gibson is planning on directing and possibly starring in a film about Maccabee, the legendary Jewish hero who plays into the story of Hanukkah. Something tells me this is one last shameless ploy to get Hollywood to forgive him for his anti-semitic ways. What’s next, Michael Vick opening a dog shelter?

-While out for a leisurely jog, Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car driven by an 84 year old, sending her to the hospital for treatment. Although the police simply issues her a license reevaluation order because of her age, I think she was most likely an elderly Twi-harder furious over seeing her beloved R Patts doing the nasty with Reese in Water For Elephants. Reese isn’t pressing charges, clearly a waste of all the courtroom training she did in Legally Blonde.

The Holy Trinity of teen cinema

There’s a new controversy brewing around the CBS sitcom Two and a Half Men, and this time it doesn’t even have anything to do with former star Charlie Sheen. In fact, it would appear somewhere out there is incredibly sick of seeing Sheen on their TV. A man in New York City was arrested after making multiple bomb threats to the TV station WPIX-11, claiming he would blow the studio up if they didn’t stop airing repeats of Two and a Half Men over and over at all hours of the day. That is some dedication to hating a sitcom.Obviously threatening to blow up anyone for any reason is awful, and it’s especially ridiculous when the heart of the matter is a dumb sitcom, but at the same time is this guy some kind of new folk hero? I think we may see more people follow in his footsteps, taking on the networks to try and force them to play less terrible programming. I know I’ll be starting a hunger strike to get less Cake Boss on TLC. I mean there are about 500 channels and On-Demand and DVR, but hey it’s the principle!

Speaking of terrible things getting way too much screen time, at the MTV Movie Awards last night you could barely go 30 seconds without seeing the cast of Twilight. Proving once and for all that the MTV Movie Awards are the anti-Oscars and that the up and coming generation is doomed, Twilight: Eclipse won the most awards of the night. Twilight swept the awards so well that it actually managed to win every award it was nominated for, including Best Picture of the Year. Do these people live on the same planet? I have to hope that 8 pale Twilight fans sat there clicking with their Taylor Lautner’s Abs shaped mouse to vote for that movie for weeks on end and that the MTV crowd doesn’t really think that is the best movie of the year. At least Emma Stone won for Best Comedic Performance in Easy A! Not all is lost.

Naturally Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart won for Best Kiss. I would have voted for Paul Stanley, but what do I know? (That was a KISS joke people!) The crowd was bummed when real life couple Robert and Kristen refused to kiss for them on stage, but Pattinson made up for it by running into the crowd to plat a man-on-man (or vamp-on-wolf) kiss on co-star Taylor Lautner. And with that, thousands of Twi-Hards saw their poorly written fan-fiction coming true. The dream is real girls! The dream is real!

And on this day there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth amongst the tweens, for their two greatest loves have gone to war: Twilight star Robert Pattinson and pop star/sore Grammy loser Justin Bieber. And what started this new feud? Their two heads of iconic hair, of course.

Justin is apparently claiming that when he met Robert Pattinson, the movie star began giving him odd tips on how to use his hair to pick up chicks. Because, you know, I’m sure those two would have no luck with the ladies without flaunting their hair in every conversation. Here’s what Justin had to say: “One day Robert Pattinson came up to me at a party and said, ‘For whatever reason, people love our hair and it’s always a great ice-breaker with girls,’ ” Justin is quoted in The People. “He is like, ‘Hey my name’s Robert. Want to touch my hair?’ I thought he was joking, but it really works.”

It’s kind of an odd story, since it’s hard to imagine the normally cagey Pattinson approaching a world famous teen (8 years younger than him) out of nowhere with flirting advice. So it was apparently even odder for Robert Pattinson to hear, since he claims to have never met Bieber at all: “I’ve never met this guy. I saw that as well. I was like, ‘You’re really famous, man—what are you doing? You don’t need to use me to make up stories!’” Ohhhh snaaaaap! The fangs are out! Some tweens are definitely going to have to re-write some fan fiction now that they know R Patts and J Biebs aren’t BFFs.

The salvo shot in a coming tween heartthrob war?! We can only hope so! I want to see their fans have to choose a side! And if an equivalent war between tween starlets erupts that would be great as well. Forget Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato, we all know I’m on Team Rebecca Black.

Oh, America, I’ll tell you the terrible news: your favorite sweethearts, the can-do kids, the best couple evvaaar, has called it quits.  Yes, that’s right, Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron are SPLITSVILLE!  Those Disney’s High School Musical contracts must have run their course, eh?  Doesn’t seem like there’s too much trauma in the blogosphere—Twilight luvvas Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart have taken over as the It Couple Forevva!  Back in the Hudgens/Efron/High School Musical heyday, Robert Pattison was doing his Cedric Diggory thang, while Kristen Stewart was known for bratting it up as Jodie Foster’s daughter in Panic Room.  Those were the days, my friends!  And today is Vanessa’s twenty-second birthday—she’s probably happier today than she has been in a while.  Think back to those crazy kids the next time you consider sending nekkid cell phone pics to someone—see how well it worked out for her?  Sure, she and Zac held on, but she’s barely done anything since all those HSM movies, while Zac’s done at least Charlie St. Cloud, and even Ashley Tisdale seems to be doing well on Hellcats.  Let’s hope Vanessa doesn’t go the way of so many Disney stars (Britney, Lindsay, Demi Lovato?  I’m looking at you!) and get coked out of her mind, barf all over someone’s car, shave her head and get dragged off to rehab a couple times.  On the other hand, Dr. Drew is always looking for celebrities to rehab.

Elsewhere in celebrity breakup news, Dexter stars Michael C. Hall and his television sister Jennifer Carpenter are splitsarooni after only two years of marriage.  She stood by him during his battle with Hodgkin’s lymphoma; maybe now that he’s in remission they have nothing left to talk about!  Sorry, Dexter fans—guess we know who’s getting offed next season!  And, if you still remember her, Elizabeth Hurley (it’s been a while since Austin Powers, eh?) and her hubster Arun Nayar have ended their marriage as well, as Liz announced yesterday on Twitter.  Her old flame Hugh Grant is still single, right?

TMZ reports Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are headed towards a divorce.  Surprising?  Perhaps if they’d been seen together more recently than at the Tony Awards in JUNE.

And finally, last but certainly not least: as I’m sure you’ve all already heard, Kim Kardashian and Halle Berry’s baby daddy broke it off after a few weeks of dating.  Newsworthy enough, I suppose!  Holidays are hard on relationships, aren’t they?

-This post brought to you by DIANA

The cast of Twilight won so many surfboard awards, the next film we be called Twilight: Surf Monsters

The 2010 edition of The Teen Choice Awards were filmed over the weekend to air tonight, and one thing is certain: teens still like things that suck. If you don’t want some of the results spoiled (what would you do if you didn’t get to experience the thrill of finding out who won Best Dance along with the rest of America??), then stop reading now, but I will say that I’m not referring to just the quality. The kids are still loving blood-suckers.

Vampires ruled the night, with Twilight winning 12 Awards throughout the night. And no, they weren’t just for categories like “Best Pale Vampire” and “Most Gratuitous Display of Under-Aged Male Abs.” Time to start taking bets now: will it win MORE or an EQUAL AMOUNT of Oscars? I’m thinking more, just because there aren’t categories like Best Screenplay and Costume Design at the Teen Choice Awards, which Twilight: Eclipse is sure to sweep. I mean, have you seen those jean shorts that the werewolves have on? They even manage to sew themselves back together after getting torn apart by wolf-growth. Those are some finely crafted pieces of denim.

How strong was the vampire love at the awards? Robert Pattinson even won a best drama actor award for Remember Me, which, as far as I know, is a movie about a vampire falling in love with Claire from Lost and getting yelled at by his dad, who used to be James Bond. And the vampire love didn’t even stop there! It branched into the world of TV as well, where the CW’s Vampire Diaries won 7 awards. I’m sure Vampire Diaries just narrowly beat out Mad Men and Breaking Bad. Teens love period dramas and depressing meth-based programming! If only Don Draper had a pair of fangs! He would have stolen the brooding vampire award right out from under some teen.

The other two big entertainment stories that seem to be coming out of the awards involve two people you might be getting tired of hearing about by now: Betty White and Levi Johnston. Don’t worry, they’re not having a baby now. No, Betty White continued her streak of appearing on-stage anytime Sandra Bullock is receiving an award. As Sandra accepted her award for best actress in The Blind Side, Betty White danced on stage so the two could accept their award together for best dance in The Proposal. And because Betty White doing things people her age don’t normally do will never ever get old! Ok, maybe it already has. As for Levi Johnston, he wasn’t nominated for Worst Teenage Father or anything, he was just there to walk the red carpet with singer Brittani Senser. Don’t worry, he hasn’t moved on to a new woman so soon after leaving baby-mama Bristol Palin, he is just making a music video with her. So I take that back, that is much more worrisome.

Now, I won’t admit to having Twilight fever, but I will say that a) I just finished reading New Moon, and b) I totally have a crush on Robert Pattinson, just like the rest of y’all. OMG, does a + b make me a Twihard?

In honor of today’s premiere of the New Moon movie, let’s watch RPatz himself on Late Show with David Letterman the other day:

Adorbs! Can’t help but finding this bumbly Brit charming.

So he’s obviously dating that mousy Kristen Stewart, right?  I guess I’m fine with that, since they’re both probably huge downers in real life.

Who’s going to go see New Moon tonight?

Confession: I’ve caught Twilight fever with a side of Robert Pattinson crush, just like the rest of y’all.  Ain’t no shame in loving a vampire!

This fever, coupled with my years-long Project Runway frenzy, has got me pretty excited about this.  InStyle asked some of their favorite designers to sketch Bella Swan’s wedding dress from Breaking Dawn, the fourth book in the series.

The dress is described as having an early 1900’s design with a train and veil updated by Edward Cullen’s sister Alice, kinda Austen style.

Witness Project Runway winner Christian Siriano’s dazzling creation:

Though Siriano never fails to impress, common consensus across the Internets seems to be that designer Monique Lhuillier’s gown is the one most faithful to the authoress Stephenie Meyer’s description:

What do you think?  Has Lhuillier caught the fever?

Also sketching Bella’s gown are designers Erin Fetherston, Brian Reyes, Max Azria, Prabal Gurung, Lela Rose, Badgley Mischka, and Zac Posen.

Honestly, I’d wear any of these - with the exception of Brian Reyes’s look.  What the?  Is that a goat rising from the ashes?  Sheesh.  Maybe Kristen Stewart could pull it off.

[Source: InStyle.com]