Believe it or not this is the cast of Storage Wars, not the latest batch of hunks for this season of The Bachelorette.

Forget bath salts, if you really want something addictive just turn on your TV. Plus TV probably won’t make you want to eat anyone’s face…unless it happens to be the challenge ingredient on an episode of Iron Chef and someone whips up a tasty looking three course serving (Appetizer:Face a-la-carte, Dinner: Open-Faced Sandwich, Dessert: Puff Face-stries). But when it comes to TV, people will always tell you the same shows are addictive: The Wire, Lost, Justified, Downton Abbey, Mad Men. You know, all those quality programs with artistic ambition, well-crafted writing and nuanced performances. But let’s be honest, those aren’t the shows that you watch 7 episodes in a row of when you flip the TV on, simply because you can’t bring yourself to change the channel. These shows, however, are. Or at least they are for me. Basic cable has cracked the code of hos exactly to keep me watching through every commercial break: cliffhangers and marathons of episodes.

5. American Pickers - This show about a couple guys digging through old barns and houses stuffed with rusty old garbage could be incredibly boring, but the two hosts make it a fun ride and make you excited about their latest find. I honestly never thought I would be excited about the prospect of finding a rare oil can, but that’s just how infectious their enthusiasm is. Plus checking out the bizarre places crammed with junk is always amusing.

4. Swamp People - When a show is filmed entirely in the USA, and only features born and bred Americans, but still requires subtitles, you know you’re in for a treat. This is a show about people in the swamps of Louisiana who hunt alligators for a living, which is pretty insane and looks horribly unpleasant. I don’t know what is scarier, the alligators or the dentistry. But when they start fighting with a big old gator it becomes pretty riveting TV. And yes, you do find yourself rooting for the gator a lot.

3. Pawn Stars - Will Rick buy that Civil War era rifle? Will Big Hoss risk buying a used ice cream truck? Will Chumley say something really dumb and scripted about whatever collectible is brought in? (yes) Will the Old Man live through the entire episode? These are the questions I ask myself pretty much every episode of Pawn Stars, and boy do they keep me watching. By highlighting collectibles and rare finds over what 95% of the pawn shop business is actually about (buying a blood-stained gold watch from a crackhead so they can go buy more crack) they’ve come up with a winner.

2. American Restoration - Every episode of American Restoration is simple: a couple people bring in really cool old timey items, the guys on the show fix them up so they are even cooler looking old timey items. But once you see the rusted shell of a unique item and hear what they have in store you just can’t help but see it through to the end. Every time they try to put in a “story” or feature the “characters” it is some of the most poorly scripted reality TV I have ever seen, but checking out that shiny refurbished item is always worth it.

1. Storage Wars - Ok, I’ll be the first to admit the premise of this show is depressing from every angle. Storage lockers go unpaid for (probably because the person is dead, in prison, or in horrible debt) and then get bid on by people desperate to dig through dirty old junk in hopes of eeking out a bit of profit. But boy oh boy is it addicting! Just waiting to see what odd treasures they discover is great, but when they happen to stumble across a safe and have to bust it open it’s low stakes suspense TV at it’s finest. I’ll also be the first to admit that the producers clearly plant some of the more unique items to spice the show up, but who cares? This show has Barry Weiss, after all, the greatest personality in all of reality TV.

A still frame cannot do this horror show justice

I realize there has been a lot written about the creepy, unsettling, and at times downright scary new show American Horror Story, but I am here to tell you there is a much creepier, more unsettling, even scarier new show on the air. It’s called Virgin Diaries and it is disturbing and unnerving on a whole new level. TLC is no stranger to making me queasy and filling me with the urge to cover my eyes to avoid whatever they’re showing on screen (Sister Wives recently featured a very special birth episode that was so downright creepy and weird it made the Twilight: Breaking Dawn birth scene seem normal),  but this new show takes the cake. And trust me, TLC has a lot of cake to give out, they have the Cake Boss and all his various spin-offs to provide them.

Virgin Diaries, without a doubt, is more cringe-inducing then all the Saw, Hostel and Human Centipede movies combined. Whether it’s a 35 year old virgin telling a woman on their first date that he is a virgin (much to her dismay) or 3 virgin roommates (well, one of them “reclaimed” her virginity, so that’s a total cop-out) making up lame parody songs about being virgins, this show made me audibly cringe about every 30 seconds. Ricky Gervais, take notes. None of the cringe-humor in the original Office even comes close to this. But the real stars of this episode are the couple who have never even kissed up until their wedding day. Somehow they must have avoided seeing anyone kiss ever, because boy oh boy do they not know how to do it. Check out the commercial below, with their horrifying kiss at the very end. And then count yourself lucky. They kept doing that throughout their reception. Over and over. Again and again. Nightmare inducing stuff. And let’s not even get into their post-wedding night discussion of their awkward first time…

The top three…wah wah wah

I be like whoa! Did you catch the America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars finale? Holy SNAP, Tyra! It was a rumble in the Top Model jungle, once it was revealed that the final panel was re-shot after ANTM shooting had wrapped. And why, you may ask (if you don’t already know)? Well, it’s a bit nebulous, really. Speculations abound across the internet, ranging from blaming Angelea for spilling the beans on Facebook, to Tyson Beckford spilling the beans on Twitter (though I’ve read those tweets, and I can’t make head nor tails of them).

Whatever it was, The CW said in a statement that it learned the information once shooting had wrapped and was forced to re-shoot scenes, suggesting Angelea actually won the first time around. The network said: “After production wrapped on the current cycle of America’s Next Top Model, we learned information that made Angelea ineligible and she was subsequently disqualified from the competition. As a result, new scenes were filmed to address this for the audience during the finale.”

Some fans are speculating that whatever the issue is, it has more to do with the show than Angelea personally, and The CW and ANTM producers are keeping quiet to preserve the show itself. All possible mention of Angelea was wiped from the final judging (which we didn’t even really see), and so the show ended with a small whimper rather than a triumphant bang. Allison was totally wearing a wig, practically a very bad weave, and Lisa looked crazypants as ever. Lisa, who once peed in a diaper during her cycle, ended up winning the whole shebang. Goes to prove Allison actually has a shot at modeling, since those who win are never as successful as those who don’t!

In the meantime, let’s hope whatever happened to Angelea and ANTM comes out soon! Nosy fans want to know!

Let’s check back in on America’s Next Top Models: All Stars, shall we? Our last Top Model Thursday post covered Isis getting the boot from ANTM and Andre Leon Talley throwing deuces at Tyra and calling it quits as a judge after this season. Then some crazy stuff happened. Then…yesterday happened.

Last night, Tyra really let her freak flag fly. Really. (None of them had any idea what they signed on for, did they?) Each All Star had to write and record her own song, then star in a video for that song. The challenge? Write those song lyrics in 20 minutes, laydeez!

That’s not even the best part–the best part is that Tyra and some YouTube kid/manchild appeared in each video! And that’s not even the most ridiculous part! The most ridiculous part is that TyTy decided it would be “fun” if each girl had to insert the phrase “Pot ledom, that’s Top Model backwards” into her song! Tyra, girl, you might have made “smize” a thing, but “pot ledom” is going nowhere. Allison, surprisingly, rose to the challenge and seduced everyone with her gigantic eyes and mad swinging skillz:

Alexandria, meanwhile, was the most boring video star everrrrrrrr:

The saga continues next week, as the remaining contestants are forced to do even more crazy and ridiculous things! Top this, Tyra!

Josh M. and his self-chosen top 3 looks

Project Runway. Anya Ayoung-Chee wins, right? The former beauty queen with a lovely accent and sex tape shenanigans and inability to make structured garments is a shoo-in for most divisive contestant since, uh, well, Gretchen Jones last season! Way to go, Lifetime: you’ve successfully pissed off most of your remaining viewers. Anya is like The Beatles: you love her or you don’t. The internet is rife with Anya sympathizers and Anya detractors (I think you can guess which camp I’m in), and many sympathizers are now detractors. Tim Gunn’s home visit was the final straw!

In past seasons, the final four have gotten anywhere from eight to sixteen (season 7) weeks to complete their collections–sixteen weeks!! This bunch of misfit toys gets six. A measly six weeks to create and execute a ten look collection! The producers are really all about high stakes this season, aren’t they? Except, of course, when it would have a negative affect on a certain Caribbean bombshell.

Tim visited Kimberly first, and dudes: she is so totally over this mess. She’s like, leave me be, Project Runway: the judges just don’t get my stuff and I am tired. That, by the way, was all subtext. Her adorable niece is adorable, and it’s always fun to see Tim with the families.

Then, Trinidad! Tim wears a suit–hell, he probably sleeps in a suit! Like a vampire. Anya, three weeks in (halfway) has yet to create anything. So, there you go. Three weeks in, and nothing to show for it, not even muslin mockups? You’ve got to be kidding! Never before in the history of Project Runway, etc. It’s embarrassing–she’s a finalist and it’s Season 9! But, of course, you know what happens.

Viktor, in New York, showed Tim the strongest looks. He’s been a bit overshadowed by Anya’s hair and Josh’s eyebrows, but is definitely a strong (if catty) contender. Kimberly flew the most under the radar, but compared to Anya and Josh, Viktor is a close second. This really has been the season of the personality, hasn’t it?

Josh, of course, is last, and meets Tim at a bar (barf). One thing I’ll say for him is that he seemed to really listen to Tim’s advice. You can imagine, of course, what his collection looks like. We also see pictures of him as a callow youth, and: the eyebrows are THE SAME. Hair, eyebrows, tan: all same. Eek.

Three weeks later, everyone meets up in New York to find out who shows on television at Fashion Week, because everyone goes, just not everyone shows on television. Instead of changing when Project Runway airs, producers seem to find it simpler to just make the top 10 create collections and have all 10 show. Silly, right? Yet, every year, same thing. In any case, I’ll watch tonight’s finale, just to see how much tomfoolery occurs. Will you?