Sorry J. Lo and Steven Tyler, you’ll never have this kind of (anti-)chemistry!

Rest assured America, everyone’s favorite arguing odd-couple are going to reunite: Paula Abdul is joining Simon Cowell as a judge on The X-Factor. Hallelujah! I was probably already going to watch The X-Factor because of Simon, but knowing that he is going to get to mock Paula three times a week once more is just too good to pass up. Cheryl Cole and Antonio ‘L.A.’ Reid are also going to be judges on the show, but who really cares? We get more Paula wackiness and more of Simon rolling his eyes and muttering under his breath about how ridiculously inept she is at judging! That’s why I love Simon Cowell: he has complete control over The X-Factor, and he clearly knows  Paula’s judgment is “impaired” to put it lightly, but he hired her anyway because he knows a show should be entertaining. And let’s be honest here, those two are the best comedy team in reality TV. They should force those other two judges to sit at a separate judging table called “Randy Jackson Island” where all opinions are irrelevant and ignored. All I want are Paula’s incoherent, pill-fueled ramblings and Simon dismissing her as an imbecile while trying not too break through his skin-tight tee shirt. Oh, and I guess some people can sing.

But Paula isn’t the only reality star that’s making a comeback! The teen mom that started the current teen pregnancy craze (and people wonder why China is kicking our butts at everything…) is getting her own show: Bristol Palin! I guess with her mom busy running for President (as a joke? right?) Bristol is ready to launch the new stage of her career. And to kick it off she got a new face! After a few months out of the spotlight, the former Dancing With the Stars contestant unveiled a brand new, very plastic looking face. Bristol is claiming that it’s just from losing weight, but that’s obviously celebrity code for plastic surgery. Kind of like when stars go to rehab for “exhaustion.” But you can check out the comparison photo and decide for yourself! Back to the TV show, it will focus on Bristol and her baby Tripp moving to LA and….well, being Palins, I guess. And what high profile network is making Bristol a star? BIO! Never heard of the BIO channel? Me neither! Say what you will about her former boyfriend Levi Johnston, but at least I’ve heard of Playgirl…

I’ll eat my hat if this wasn’t posed

The Simon Cowell-less American Idol made its long anticipated debut last night on FOX. Did anyone ever think Randy Jackson would be the lone remainder of the Simon Cowell-Paula Abdul-Randy Jackson triumvirate of power? I mean, Paula wasn’t really doing anything umpteen number of years ago when she was invited (or auditioned?) to be a judge on AI, but she was a popular singer at one time and provided the, ah, nurturing aspect of judging. Simon, of course, was a producer, and obviously inclined to be bossy and opinionated. But Randy? Just some producer dude. And now he prevails, while Paula and Simon are off judging new shows—and while we’re on the subject, Simon’s is also on FOX, and basically an updated version of American Idol (entitled The X Factor, and again based on a British show). I’m getting somewhere with this, I swear! ‘Cuz these new judges… J. Lo, her voice isn’t anything to write home about; it’s thin and pretty limited (ain’t no Christina Aguilera, am I right?). Whatever talent Steven Tyler had has been swallowed by years of drug and alcohol abuse; the man survives on pure charisma (and probably drugs and alcohol). Randy Jackson is a music producer, not an agent or manager. So I guess J. Lo plus Randy (minus Steven Tyler—he’s there for the craft services table) equals some knowledge of the music business. Because, at the end of the day, producers are looking for someone exactly like Jennifer Lopez. Her (or his) singing voice doesn’t have to be bangin’, she (or he) just has to give the impression (with her (his) looks, charisma, etc.) that it is.

Moving on. It was, of course, the very first set of AUDITIONS!!!!?!?!?!11, and they started in New Jersey.  Sadly, none of your favorite Jersey Shore stars bothered to make an appearance.  Perhaps they are not allowed to appear on rival music networks (hey, if MTV is still considered Music Television, FOX has to be up there, too).  It was immediately apparent that both J. Lo and Steven Tyler are the new Paula (J. Lo is too nice Paula, Steven Tyler is cray cray Paula), Randy is the new Randy, and no one is Simon.  Who’s gonna tell it like it is?!  Let me break it down for you: lots of chicks who think they can sing, the judges agree, and they go to Hollywood.  Not so many dudes, but some go to Hollywood.  Plenty of sob stories and pulling-myself-up-by-my-very-own-bootstraps stories and inspirational survivors blah blah blah.  And then the judges high fived, sat back, and smoked ‘em if they had ‘em (or asked Steven for them).

So far, American Idol, your lack of Simon is showing.  Someone needs to grow a pair, and fast.  Somebody, anybody, tell it like it is!  Or at least like you think it is, if those thoughts are negative and derogatory.  Think of how much you’ll save in Autotuning fees, if you just find people who can actually sing in tune!  Damn, Simon.  Single tear.

Agree?  Disagree?  Tell me why (in 140 characters or less, then you can tweet it later!) in the comments!

Just a hamster in a ball…

It’s a pretty slow news day when this particular tidbit is headline news, but here goes:  Snooki is going to be put inside a ball and dropped at midnight during MTV’s New Year’s Bash.  Well, then it must be true—she IS the size and shape of a hamster!  And her Jersey Shore castmates will lead the crowd in fist pumping, trying for a Guinness World Record in collective fist pumping.  Apparently, there’s a record to break.  How have we come to this, America?  There’s a FIST PUMPING RECORD.  I need a drink.

Meanwhile, back at the American Idol lair, FOX and the producers are diligently dreaming up ways to revitalize the new season, since Idol’s ratings have plummeted and the last winner’s album did abysmally on the Billboard charts.  Frankly, it’s all a snoozefest, knawhaimsayin?  Fortunately, they have plenty of reality show challenges and ideas to steal.  Have the top 12 contestants live together in a house?  Check!  Let them Twitter individually at will?  Check!  All producers need to do next is provide copious amounts of alcohol, sit back, and enjoy the ride, a la MTV.  FOX may even broadcast footage from the house, depending on the content (bring on the booze!), giving us breaks from the inane drabblings of Randy, Jennifer “Jenny from the Block” Lopez, Steven Tyler, and Ryan Seacrest.  Hey, maybe Seacrest could be the house mom!  Mr. Mom, if you will!  The top 12 might also get to go to Las Vegas and do some cross promotion with Cirque du Soliel’s show Love (the Beatles one) at The Mirage.  Contestants will also be shooting music videos (with no channel to air them, right MTV and VH1?)!  I think instead of performing “live,” all votes should be based on music videos.  That would be ah-may-zhing!  Almost as amazing as the 325 kids participating in Hollywood week!  That group will be culled to 60 for the Las Vegas round, then down to 40 for Los Angeles, and from there down to the lucky 12 who get to live in the Idol house.  Hey—let’s steal an idea from Tila Tequila: ONLY ONE BED.

-This post brought to you by DIANA

Songbirds: Kara DioGuardi and Jewel

Once upon a time (a couple of years ago), the American Idol judges were all raking in the dough while juggling side projects - Randy Jackson had America’s Best Dance Crew, Simon Cowell had The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent, and Paula Abdul was… y’know… doing her thing. Meanwhile, hit songwriter, Kara DioGuardi (above photo, left), was the scrappy, new kid on the Idol judging panel and too busy trying to win the love and approval of America’s millions (sadly, it didn’t really work in her favor…).

But now that she’s left the show (along with Cowell and Abdul), Kara may have found a gig that is more up her alley! Bravo announced that Kara and songwriter-yodeler Jewel (above photo, right) will be joining a new competition show for singer-songwriters. It’ll be called Going Platinum (hey-yooo!) and is set to premiere next year.

Ms. DioGuardi will be judging alongside Jewel, who will also helm hosting duties. Here’s the show’s pitch from the press release:

“Going Platinum” (working title) will follow 12 musicians as they battle through a series of innovative songwriting challenges testing their creativity, patience and drive. From dance track to love ballad, every episode will feature a different theme that will require the contestants to write and perform lyrics from multiple genres. Their intimate life stories and personal drama will unfold within the show and in their lyrics as they compete and live together. To find out if they have what it takes, some of today’s most influential artists will be featured throughout the series to help guest judge the competition. In the end, only one will be crowned the ultimate hitmaker and walk away with a $100,000 cash prize, publishing deal with Sony, BMI Songwriters The Writing Camp and a recording deal with RCA/Jive.

That’s, right: churn out those tunes, Mozarts, and entertain us! I’m totally on-board with this. Kara was grating at times on American Idol, but the lady is a proven hit-maker and savvy about the recording industry. Her feedback will be way more valued on Going Platinum than it ever was on Idol with those other yokel judges. We’ll be watching (and listening), Kara!

It’s down to you Randy and Ryan…but only one will survive!

And you thought Simon Cowell leaving the show was the only judge drama going on over at American Idol! They should make a spin-off reality show called Judges of Idol (ala Project Runway offshoot Models of the Runway), because this stuff is waaaay more entertaining/dramatic than last season’s boring Idol sing-off.

For months speculation has been mounting about who would be replacing Simon Cowell as the 4th American Idol judge alongside Randy Jackson, Kara DioGuardi and Ellen DeGeneres. Everyone from Bret Michaels to Howard Stern have been rumored, but yesterday we finally got an official announcement about the current judge situation: Ellen is leaving. Wait…whaaat? Yep, after only one season Ellen is calling it quits, saying that she realized she was overworking herself and wasn’t cut out to be mean to people, plus it cut into her time to force her talk show audience to dance. Seriously, she is like the opposite of John Lithgow’s character in Footloose who won’t let anyone in town dance. She won’t be happy until everyone is dancing! Always! As soon as she announced her departure the rumor mills started turning again, with claims coming in that Jennifer Lopez will be filling Ellen’s seat and that the show will be returning to a 3 judge format.

Well there you have it, your 3 judges for this season. But wait! Turns out the judge shake-up isn’t necessarily stopping there, with new rumors surfacing that Kara DioGuardi has been fired from the show after 2 seasons and is going to be replaced by…Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler! Now that is a decision I can get behind! I really hope that Steven has it written into his contract that even his microphone at the judge’s table has scarves draped from it at all times. Steven could definitely be a good judge, because unlike Simon, who seemed very distracted in recent seasons, Steven would always pay very close attention. I learned from the Armageddon soundtrack that he doesn’t want to miss a thing. The drawback is that he might accuse some dudes of looking like ladies.

Of course these new judges aren’t official yet and there are still a few names floating around as possible last minute replacements. One of those is Jessica Simpson, who was apparently very close to snagging the job before J. Lo showed interest. Come on American Idol, Randy Jackson is going to be the only original judge left, you could at least give us Jessica Simpson, who is by all means a spiritual descendant of Paula Abdul. We need a former pop star judge who will say crazy things, lose her train of thought, refuse to make relevant analogies, and has her own line of tacky jewelery!

There’s no doubt that Crystal Bowersox owned Lee DeWyze in all three rounds of songs in last night’s American Idol face-off night. Lee was the judges’ favorite leading in to the final, but they did a 180 when it was increasingly clear that Crystal was singing FOR HER LIFE *dramatic music* while poor Eeyore-faced Lee got bogged down by nerves and run-of-the-mill song choices.

That’s not to say Crystal has it in the bag. Lee is adored (or forgotten) by America, while Crystal’s sassy Earth Mother hippie attitude is more polarizing. She deserves to win, but who knows what America’s thinking. I do know that last night inspired some pretty awful headlines: DeWyze Bows to Bowersox! Deserving Idol Champion is Crystal Clear! Was Lee De-Mora-Lyzed? Bower-knocks our-Sox off!

God awful puns aside, tonight was also Simon Cowell’s final night of judging and he coasted through like a relaxed British Buddha who was spray-tanned until beet red (seriously, the man was looking practically purple). Combining this lame season with the loss of my favorite judge, who knows if I can bring myself to watch next season… Anyway, last night Lee and Crystal each performed three songs: their favorite from the season, a pick by producer Simon Fuller and a cover song that will become their single if they win. Recap and videos (by MJ) here:

CONTESTANT’S FAVORITE SONG

Lee Dewyze – “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkle: Hm, this wasn’t the most memorable Lee performance the first time around, so why do it again? It was just ok, nothing special and REALLY did not feel like the sort of performance to give on your final night. Maybe the massive audience was freaking Lee out. Randy, Kara and Simon wanted Lee to do well, but admitted that they were let down (read: he was totally boring and lacked passion). Wake up and step it up, DeWyze! – VIDEO

Crystal Bowersox – “Me And Bobby McGee” by Janis Joplin: I loved Crystal’s first “Bobby McGee” performance, so I had high hopes. She started out a little too mellow but picked up the tempo and opened up her vocals in the middle. I heard some borderline straining/screamed notes at the end, but there was no doubt that her energy level was a hundred times better than Lee’s. I prefer her first rendition more, but the judges all loved it, especially because she’d lost momentum in the last week. They were excited to see the Crystal they all fell in love months ago and enjoyed that she was ready to fight for the final. Round One went to: CRYSTAL! – VIDEO

SIMON FULLER’S CHOICE

Lee DeWyze – “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M.: Simon Fuller, your song choices are tres lame. Don’t pick a slow, dour song for a contestant whose biggest issue is he appears unhappy/scared while performing. Luckily, Lee’s voice worked well with the tune and it was much better than his first act. However, he was far from perfect and I was still bored. The judges agreed that Lee improved from his first act, but noted that he was off-key at times and didn’t fully allow himself to engage with the song and audience. Simon understood that Lee was nervous, but urged him to really kill the final song to make a powerful impact on the audience. – VIDEO

Crystal Bowersox – “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles: Why, Simon Fuller, WHYYY? How can anyone like this song or want to hear it after it’s been done to death on American Idol? Crystal seemed tentative while walking down the stairs in heels and shaking hands with the crowd, but at least she changed the arrangement to suit her soulful blues style, and did her damndest to let go and tear into the high belting notes. It was undeniable to the audience and judges that Crystal gave it everything she had. The judges all adored the rendition and the fact that Crystal didn’t shy away from attacking the song which was outside of her comfort zone. Round Two went to:  CRYSTAL! – VIDEO

THE WINNER’S RELEASE SINGLE

Lee DeWyze – “Beautiful Day” by U2: BLECH? WHAT? NO! Don’t cover an overplayed U2 song for your release single! Who the hell would want to hear it on the radio again and again? I mean, I supposed if he rearranged it a lot, it could potentially be a hit… Okay, nope. It’s the same old, same old U2 cover. Lee looked really uncomfortable walking around with his little red Converse. He should’ve mustered up the swagger he had on Sinatra night, but instead he looked a bit lost on-stage. I mean, the violinists in the background were bouncing with more pep than he was! The judges didn’t seem impressed with his cover at all, so they just focused their commentary on what a “nice guy” he is. That’s pretty sad. Well, at least they didn’t throw him under the bus. After all, just cuz he sucked doesn’t guarantee that Crystal will win. – VIDEO

Crystal Bowersox – “Up to the Mountain” by Patty Griffin: I love Patty Griffin (go listen to “Let Him Fly” and “Every Little Bit”). Choosing a lesser known song could work in Crystal’s favor since fewer people would be able to compare it to the original. Although, is this the sort of song that Americans want to hear on the radio today? Regardless, it played right to Crystal’s strengths and she gave it a gospel arrangement (appropriately backed by a choir). Lord, I got chills when she nailed the HUGE note at the end. She seemed to be choking back tears during the final verse (reminiscent of her beautiful “People Get Ready” performance), but delivered it without any hiccups. Say what you will about the song choice, but Crystal was in the zone, raw, heartfelt, charismatic - she totally delivered on her final night. The judges went ape-shizz cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs over it, and understandably so. The loved her vocal delivery, her emotional investment and ability to keep up the fight amidst the pressure. Crystal also had the honor of receiving Simon Cowell’s final words as an Idol judge: “That was outstanding.” Round Three went to: CRYSTAL!  – VIDEO

If you’re keeping score, Crystal outshined Lee in every single performance and hands-down owned last night’s final show. I even sent a single text message to “VOTE” for Crystal (first time I voted all season), so you know where I stand. I’m glad that the correct two contestants made it to the finale - they’re both “nice people”, passionate about music and have been working toward this goal for their entire life. I think it’s clear that all season, Crystal has been a much stronger performer both vocally and charismatically, so I’d love to see her get bathed in confetti tonight while sobbing her way through “Up to the Mountain”. We’ll see what America wants…

Expected to perform for the big finale are Christina Aguilera, Carrie Underwood, Kris Allen and Enrique Iglesias. Not to mention a sure-to-blow-the-roof-off duet between big-piped winners Kelly Clarkson and Fantasia Barrino! Rumor has it that there will also be acts by Hall and Oates, Joe Cocker, Chicago, Melissa Etheridge, Janet Jackson and the Bee Gees. Plus, batty ol’ Paula Abdul is supposed to appear to wish Simon farewell. I hope they give him a nice tribute. Who do you predict will win? Tune in for the finale tonight… on… Aaaa-merican Idol!

Lord have mercy, American Idol 9 has been like a head of mottled, split-ended hair compared to past seasons (lustrous, bouncing locks, naturally). We need some Vidal Sassoon up in here! We’re at the final three and yet, last night had… well… “suitable” performances. Lee DeWyze was solid, although there’s no doubt that he’d being “gently” helped along by the judges and producers, who are shoving the soft-spoken guy into the foreground with heaps of (exaggerated?) praise and nearly overwrought musical arrangements (Simon, you’s got some s’plaining to do!). Each contestant sang a song of their choice as well as one chosen by the judges. If America is sane, the finale will showcase Crystal Bowersox and Lee - end of story! Recap and last night’s performance videos (by MJ) for your viewing pleasure:

Casey James – “OK It’s Alright With Me” by Eric Hutchinson: *snicker* How is this guy still here? Sure, sure, Casey was “competent” as always and maintained his season-long ratio of 35:65 - impressive:blah performances. This was the latter - another very bland performance. He was straining through the notes like a constipated man, and it didn’t help his cause that the song repeated the lyrics, “It’s alright with me”, prompting viewers (and Randy Jackson) to admit they felt the exact same way about his song choice. To be honest, I was more entertained that the background screen was displaying graphics that were very reminiscent of the MS Windows “Pipes” screensaver. – VIDEO

Crystal Bowersox – “Come To My Window” by Melissa Etheridge: Though I enjoy Mamasox, I was doubly disappointed that A) she was wearing that burdensome harmonica around her neck again, and B) that she chose yet another predictable 1990’s female alternative/rock song. Not her cleanest performance for sure - she seemed more nervous all night than I’ve ever seen her. The harmonica was clumsy and obstructed her mouth from the mic and her usual effortless singing was uncharacteristically strained. She didn’t seem to ever settle into the song or find “the zone”. That being said, she was still leaps and bounds better than Casey. I just expected more from her. – VIDEO

Lee DeWyze – “Simple Man ” by Lynyrd Skynyrd: Definitely the best contestant-made song choice of the night. Lee’s rough tone and vocal range were a perfect match for “Simple Man”. He knew when to go for the wail and when to pull back. A really well-done cover, and he managed to make the oldie rock song into a contemporary-sounding tune. The judges agreed and declared him the “winner” of Round 1. – VIDEO

Casey James – “Daughters” by John Mayer: Randy and Kara chose this song to give Casey a moment of vulnerability, catering to his audience of “women and girls” (puh-lease, I ain’t want none of whatever he’s selling). This was a definite improvement over his already forgotten first song, but it was also too mellow and understated. I wanted more variation. Admittedly, I wasn’t watching the actual performance - I only heard it, so maybe it would’ve been more impactful (is that a real word?) if I were staring into his baby blue eyes, framed by his silky locks of love. – VIDEO

Crystal Bowersox – “Maybe I’m Amazed” by Paul McCartney: Ellen made this choice - very interesting decision. I was skeptical, especially because Crystal still looked a bit uncomfortable and nervous: awkwardly sitting on the staircase, grasping onto the railing… walking tentatively across the catwalk behind the judges… but y’know what? I ended up liking it, especially her belting through the song, and very beautiful, upper register notes for the “ooooh-hooo-hoooo-hooo”s. It was an improvement over her Etheridge cover for sure. Simon thought it sealed her fate to be in the Final 2. It better, Cowell, or I’m walking! – VIDEO

Lee DeWyze – “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen: Simon made a strategic choice here to allow Lee to DeWyzeify this classic ballad (and also wipe our memories clean of any remnants of Tim Urban’s cover earlier this season). And DeWyzeify he did. I did wonder why Lee got an entire string section and a backing gospel choir, when Crystal and Casey were flying solo. Regardless, I liked Lee’s heartfelt performance. He made some new adjustments to the tune which worked and while many singers prefer to go gentle and soulful on “Hallelujah”, Lee’s performance was more dramatic/climatic - but still soulful. It felt like it could’ve been a finale performance for him, especially with the band and choir behind him. The judges absolutely loved it, and Simon was super smug about having chosen the song (methinks he indeed gave his 2 cents/pence about the string &  choir arrangement to create a “moment” for Lee). – VIDEO

It’s clear that the judges want Crystal and Lee to move on to the American Idol finale, and after last night, it seemed like they are backing Lee to be the winner. So long as Casey James finally goes home tonight, I’m currently indifferent about who should take the title. I wonder if the finale will be as bombastic as last year’s: lots of high-profile singers dueting with the contestants. Then again, which poor musician would want to get stuck warbling with Paige Miles, Tim Urban or Jermaine Sellers? Remember those fools? Yeah, I don’t want to either! Oh, by the way, tween heartthrob, Justin Bieber, performs in tonight’s elimination show *girly squeal!!!*

This time last year, our Top 4 American Idol contestants were Adam Lambert, Allison Iraheta, Kris Allen and Danny Gokey. I may have only been rooting for Allison at the time, but there’s no question that all four of them were more charismatic and self-aware of their musical talents than this year’s Top 4 (with the exception of Crystal Bowersox, who can replace Danny Gokey any day in my book). Remember Adam and Allison’s effervescent, chemistry-crackling duet of “Slow Ride”? Their respective, individual performances of “Whole Lotta Love” and “Cry Baby”? Mamma mia, what a difference a year makes.

Last night, our humdrum Season 9 Top 4 gave disappointing solos (again, with exception of Crystal), but managed to semi-redeem themselves during their duets. Jamie Foxx returned to mentor and re-hashed the same shtick from last year (”I’m going to sit UNCOMFORTABLY close to your face as you sing” and “Hey male contestant, pretend I am a woman and try to seduce me. You’re giggling nervously? How unprofessional and unfocused you are!”). Cue the recap and watch the performance video clips (by MJ):

Lee DeWyze – “Kiss From A Rose” by Seal from Batman Forever: Whoa, (Nell)Lee! That was some kind of not-so-wonderful right here! Lee’s a good runner-up to Crystal, but that was some weak sauce singing! He seemed really out of breath and rushed, didn’t do anything to change up the melody or arrangement, and he was definitely off-key on more than one occasion. What’s the deal, Lee Dawg? Last week, he gave the strongest performance of the night. Last night? He delivered one of his worst songs of the season. Not a good time to drop the ball! The judges were extremely disappointed, but tried to buffer their criticism with “but you’re still great!” because they’re definitely pushing hard for a Final 2 of Crystal and Lee - no doubt! I was troubled when Lee said he thought the performance went well. What the eff? I expect Lee to know himself better and to admit when he has under-delivered. – VIDEO

Michael Lynche – “Will You Be There” by Michael Jackson from Free Willy: You’d think that having a gospel choir backing you on a song should be powerful and exquisite, but nay, t’was not. Like Lee, Micheal didn’t do anything to switch up the song or make it original. He just sang the notes pretty much exactly the same, but it was missing the emotion that Michael Jackson brought to it (remember that little “WOOO!” MJ gives at the end? RIP.). The judges felt like he was phoning it in and if he really wanted to make it to the finals, he should’ve challenged himself more and shown more creativity and artistry. – VIDEO

Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze – “Falling Slowly” by Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová from Once: Remember when Kris Allen sang this last year and the judges panned it because they thought the song was “too obscure”? Yes, let us keep that in mind when reviewing their critique for their blessed golden children, Crystal and Lee. Sure, I also want these two in the Finals, but why do the judges keep failing to mention Kris Allen this season when the situations demand it? They should have brought him up in comparison to Aaron Kelly’s terrible “Ain’t No Sunshine”, in comparison to Andrew Garcia’s lackluster acoustic rearrangements of hip hop songs, and definitely during last night’s critique of this song. They have Kris to credit for bringing the sweet indie track into the Idol universe when everyone else was singing “The Rose” or “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”. To be fair, the duet was great. But was it a revelation? I’unno about that. I would’ve loved to hear their voices harmonize more smoothly and for Crystal to go for the higher notes more often, but ce’st la vie. It had its moments. How irritating and vertigo-inducing was the camera work though?? I felt like I was trapped in the Spin Cycle of a laundry machine, being jolted clockwise/counter-clockwise/clockwise/counter-clockwise - you get the gist. I am over the producers trying to force-evoke emotions with ridiculous sweeping camera movements - JUST STAY STILL and let the performers deliver. The judges really loved it (it WAS featuring their clear favorites for Final 2, after all) and were gushing over what a fantastic song it was. Hm, a year ago, they were telling Kris it was a poor song choice… Kris Allen: winner of Season 8 and still getting no love… – VIDEO

Casey James – “Mrs. Robinson” by Simon and Garfunkle from The Graduate: Casey at least attempted to re-arrange this classic song and turn it into a slowed down bluegrass number, accompanied by his mandolin and planted in a sea of awkward teenaged girls. I appreciated his effort to do something different with the song, but it just didn’t work out. It didn’t enhance the song’s melody, lyrics or overall impact. *sad trombone* The judges also wanted to see Casey “do more” with it and connect to the song better. Ah well, he tried. - VIDEO

Crystal Bowersox – “I’m Alright” by Kenny Loggins from Caddyshack: The original version of “I’m Alright” is a standard, cheesy 80’s rock song (I mean Kenny Loggins, right? C’mon, he’s the master of such songs). Crystal turned it into an edgy, bluesy song and (perhaps jump-started by last week’s criticism that the judges wanted her to belt out more) she did not QUIT. Of course, the wonky camera angles kept obscuring her face because some morons in the pit were raising their arms to clap, making it look like they were clap-crushing Crystal’s face as she sang. Regardless, Mamasox kept it loose and raw, wailing from middle to end with her usual coy smile. Definitely the best of the night (though not her best ever). Still, combined with her duet with Lee, it was clear that Crystal topped the night. Ellen and Kara declared that she actually improved upon the original song. Simon is pleased and lets Crystal know by giving her a saucy wink. She’s back in the game. – VIDEO

Casey James and Michael Lynche – “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman” by Bryan Adams from Don Juan DeMarco: Oops, I happened to be washing dishes at this moment and, well, let’s be honest, I made zero effort to rush back to the TV for these two yokels (j/k, but I like that word: yokels). According to the judges’ comments, they did a very nice job and the duets were the best performances of the night. – VIDEO

Is this season of American Idol over yet? I could use some So You Think You Can Dance or even The Bachelorette to cleanse the palette of my Idol weary brain. Tonight, another one bites the dust. Flip a coin between Michael Lynche (and his baby-clapping hand whenever he waves to the camera) or Casey James. I’d prefer Big Mike leave. Slated to perform tonight are Fantasia Barrino, Bon Jovi and Chris Daughtry to sing his new single, “September”. Show these kids how it’s DONE, Fantasia and Daughtry!

Ring-a-ding-ding, these Idols don’t swing (zing!)…

Singer, songwriter, pianist, actor, wise guy, Harry Connick Jr., and his Big azz Band invaded American Idol last night for Frank Sinatra night. As this week’s mentor, Mr. Connick Jr. did his very best to use his charm, humor and talent to inject some pizzazzzzzz into our remaining five, sleepy contestants - with mixed results. Lee DeWyze came out on top with more self-assurance than we’ve seen in weeks. Big Mike was his usual hammy self, which served him well in a theme that is all about on-stage charisma. Check the recap and watch the performance video clips (by MJ):

Apparently, there’s more to Harry Connick Jr. than being “that dude married Grace on Will & Grace“). He’s a Renaissance man *polite applause* so he took on the task of mentoring PLUS conducting the band and playing piano on-stage with each contestant. – VIDEO

Aaron Kelly – “Fly Me to the Moon”: Another uninspired tune from little Aaron Kelly. He’s good at belting a big note once in awhile, but let’s face it: this kid is out of his league (he was long ago). He doesn’t offer anything exciting or fresh or interesting to his performances. I get that he’s “just a high school student!” but former teen Idol contestants like David Archuleta, Jordin Sparks and (my fave) Allison Iraheta brought plenty mo’ oomph and woot woot! to their performances. In fact, since Aaron has whittled away precious moments of my life with his bland renditions, I’m now going to use his section of this blog to encourage you to watch this wonderful duet between last year’s winner, Kris Allen, and Allison Iraheta. They were recently at a rally for Oprah’s “No Phone [while driving] Zone” rally and covered “The Scientist” by Coldplay.

It is divine: Kris’ earnest emotion, Allison’s smoking pipes, the hot honey-melting harmonies (check out that 3:10 mark!)… Daymn, I miss last season.

Oh right, back to Aaron. The judges are still babying him and patronizing him. Like “Wow, that wasn’t so bad, little guy! Here’s a pat on the head and a gold star sticker for your hand. A+ for effort, sweetie pie!” Ick. Just be honest with him, tell him it was amateur and let’s say farewell. – VIDEO

Casey James – “Blue Skies”: Can Casey keep the momentum going from last week’s moving Shania Twain cover (I can’t believe I just wrote that)? Yikes, unfortunately, NO. Casey looked fantastic with his dapper lavender dress shirt, slicked-back hair, rosy apple cheeks and blue eyes, but well, the rest of the performance was unsure. He sort of meandered around the stage and didn’t look or sound comfortable. Also, was he trying to “rearrange” the notes, or was he just off-pitch the whole time? The judges were on my side and disappointed in Casey. Kara said his nervous vibrato made him sound like a bleating lamb - OUCH (and “ha ha!”). Harry defended Casey by saying it was very difficult to hear over the band and that in rehearsal, Casey had killed it. But er, too bad it wasn’t during the live show. – VIDEO

Crystal Bowersox – “Summer Wind”: Ooh lala, Crystal looked gorgeous in her “mermaid” dress. That hippie chick cleans up nice. Right nice. As usual, she delivered the song with a gentle, easy, lilting tone. She had impeccable phrasing of the lyrics to deliver the most emotional impact, but musically, it may have been too understated for the judges and audience. Yep, the judges (as usual) adored her, but admit they were underwhelmed. They liked when she hit bigger notes toward the end and Simon encouraged her to start showing more passion and be “in it to win it”. Crystal showed a little MamaSox sass and said she didn’t want to just belt out a song because she could. She wanted to stay true to the song’s message and tone. True that, true that. – VIDEO

Michael Lynche – “The Way You Look Tonight”: Want an example of someone who is “in it to win it”? Apparently this guy: Big Mike. You can’t beat this classic song, and Mike performed it well, with the swagger it deserved, nice vocals and all the while dressed to the nines (although that hat was a wee small for his gargantuan noggin). The judges were over the moon that he stepped it up and felt he was stronger than the previous three contestants. Of course, I’ve probably made it clear that he seems too full of himself to sway votes from me. Yes, he’s a solid contender, but I still want my final 2 to be Crystal and Lee. Mike deserves to be in the Top 3 though. – VIDEO

Lee DeWyze – “That’s Life”: Well, hello Mr. DeWyze! In a rare performance, Lee actually looked comfortable while he was performing. Or at least the most comfortable I’ve seen him in ages. Though we associate Lee with rock, he did an excellent job in channeling the essence of a swanky, strolling Sinatra. Harry Connick Jr. did wonders with him! The judges quickly cast Big Mike aside and declare that Lee could win the whole show! Oooh, Crystal better turn up the heat because she’s falling into Lee’s shadow. I’d love to see a Top 2 with them. They’re both likable and talented but very different. Me like. – VIDEO

Let’s be honest that this season is pretty blahhhh. Lee and Crystal have their moments, but whereas last year’s contestants brought raw power and energy - like a buxom, trousers-wearing lady galloping on horseback - this season’s crew have the combined personality of a frail, anemic damsel in distress on the railroad tracks. It’s just not as compelling. Frowny face

C’est la vie. I believe it’s definitely time for Aaron Kelly to go home. Tune in to American Idol tonight to find out if my dream comes true! Also, we’ll be treated to Lady Gaga, who will perform “Alejandro”. Will she make my eyes explode? I hope so! Harry Connick Jr. will also sing, but who the hell cares when Gaga’s in the HAUS (German)!?

American Idol went country for (duh) “Country Week” - although it would’ve been better titled as a “Shania Twain Lifetime Achievement Show” with all of the effusive praise, gushing and dramatic close-ups to her ultra-tanned face and pearly whites. The perky Canadian country singer-songwriter of yore was this week’s mentor. Unlike past mentors, the contestants had to sing her songs. All respect to Shania, but I would’ve preferred the kids sing songs from past mentors Usher or Alicia Keys’ repertoires. Shania’s very 1997, non? Surprisingly, the topsy-turvy night gave bottom-rungers Casey James and Aaron Kelly a much needed boost while America’s favorite flower child, Crystal Bowersox, really underwhelmed. Jane, get me off this crazy Twain(!) - recap and video clips (by MJ) ahead, pardner.

Lee Dewyze – “You’re Still the One”: Wow, remember this cheesy love song? Seriously, this is straight up ’90s dentist office music. Lee started out shaky and hit some off notes. There were moments where he altered the melody just enough to suit his rock style, but he (still) seemed clenched up and somewhat insecure on-stage. Usually I like his gritty tone, but last night it felt strained. It didn’t help that the back-up singers were off-key and drowning him out, too. Not Lee’s best performance, but he’s still hanging in there and was able to turn a really saccharine-y ballad into a slightly more masculine song. – VIDEO

Michael Lynche – “It Only Hurts When I Breath”: Shania loves Big Mike, but probably not as much as Big Mike loves himself. I didn’t feel the sincerity in this number and also thought the arrangement stayed very one-note until Mike hit some nice falsetto at the end. I would’ve loved to hear him incorporate more of those runs throughout the song, but oh wells. Shania was moved to shiny, teary eyes, so that’s a good sign for Mike and I’m sure he’ll add it into a Youtube fan video compilation of “Moments When I’ve Been Awesome”. The judges compared Mike to Luther Vandross although Simon also mentioned that it was like a musical being acted out.  Someone had to say it! – VIDEO

Casey James – “Don’t”: Casey and his cherubic, golden locks of love were front and center as he sat down with his acoustic guitar and went into “Jealous Guy” mode. Oh, this was fantastic, folks. I have to admit, even though 85% of Casey James’ performances have been bland, his strong suit is definitely bluesy ballads. Never heard of this Shania tune, but it was a perfect lyrical and melodic match for Casey - it seemed to come straight from his heart. He seemed a little tense on the higher notes, but that didn’t put me off - this may be my favorite Casey James performance. Just when I counted him out, he phoenixed me (yeah, I made that up). – VIDEO

Crystal Bowersox – “No One Needs to Know Right Now”: More Shania lovefest as Crystal gushed about her “aura” and super positive energy. Anyone else find it a little awkward when Ryan chimed in, “And she has the whitest teeth ever!” since, c’mon, we alllll know Mamasox’s teeth are not her strong point? Social faux pas! This is a really clunky, honky-tonkin’ song (which I remember from the Twister soundtrack circa 1996). I don’t know if it was intentional, but it seemed like Crystal wasn’t too sure about some of the chords so her singing and strumming weren’t always synchronized. And as nice as it was to see her perform with a band, the number didn’t really gel for me. After last week’s passionate and emotionally raw performance, Crystal seemed very distanced and guarded last night. Heck, forget comparing it to last week, compare it to any of her other performances. This may be my least favorite Crystal performance ever (not counting those god awful group numbers they force her to do). And not like I’m really complaining, but the judges were still trying to pimp her and praised her even though it was weak. Luckily, Simon (a #1 Crystal fan) was honest and told her it wasn’t any good and she lacked conviction. Agreed. – VIDEO

Aaron Kelly – “You’ve Got a Way”: Like Casey, I was ready to assume Aaron was done for in this competition, but [Randy Jackson-style] “DUDE!” This wasn’t bad at all! He hit all the big notes with confidence and it felt genuine (he sang it for his mama, aww). A very well job done (that’s a Randy quote from last season FYI). Damn, maybe it’ll be harder for America to vote him off now… – VIDEO

Siobhan Magnus – “Any Man of Mine”: Even Siobhan didn’t annoy me as much as usual last night. Granted, it became very obvious that she doesn’t have the stage presence to comfortably “strut” and run through the audience in a natural manner (didn’t she seem timid and scared to get that close to the crowd?). Also, the running (or jogging) through the audience caused her vocals to suffer - she sounded out of breath. And her “high note” at the end was off AGAIN. Sigh. But at least she tried to rally the crowd up and it’s an upbeat and catchy melody, so I still think it was stronger than *gasp* Crystal’s performance. – VIDEO

I can’t believe I’m saying it, but Crystal was my second least favorite of the night. Big Mike was the least impressive for me, but I’m sure there is something to be said about him making Shania Twain cry (in a good way), so some may argue that Mike actually bested Bowersox! Casey was my favorite of the night, although if he left, I wouldn’t lose any sleep. Although, I think it’s about time that America appreciate little Aaron Kelly one last time, and then eliminate him so he can leave on a (wait for it) high note. Bam! Tonight one of the Idol’s heads home. Also, performances by Lady Antebellum and Rascal Flatts. Cuz it’s COUNTRY WEEK!