Kisses, bitches!

ABC Family is not necessarily the place for us childless adults to look for quality programming. Sure, they’ve had some hits like Greek and The Secret Life of the American Teenager, and whatever that show about gymnasts is (Make It Or Break It? Thanks, Google!). But it also featured duds like Beautiful People (yes, I watched it), Wildfire (there were horses?), and Huge (which probably suffered most from poor publicity). This is a channel geared towards tots, tweens, and teens, yet presents satisfying programming for adults. Crazy, right?

Enter Pretty Little Liars, based on a series of books by the same name. I started watching last summer and called it ‘eye-rollingly ridiculous,’ and I stand by that statement. Part Veronica Mars, part Gossip Girl, it’s completely bananas, compellingly overwrought, and has twists and turns worthy of a Hitchcock film. The characters, the realness of the characters (if not always the situations), put Glee to shame. Straight up, hands down, shame. The plot continuity is spot-on, with tiny details from one episode becoming enormously important later down the road. Season one’s finale ran last Monday, season two begins June 14th (a Tuesday). Since you’re all going to watch it going forward (right?), I’ll catch you up on the basics:

Alison DiLaurentis (no relation to Giada!) went missing under suspicious circumstances a year ago, during a slumber party the five girl clique was having. Her friends, sweet Emily Fields (the token minority and token lesbian), emo Aria Montgomery, kind (and formerly fat) Hanna Marin, and genius/neurotic/highstrung Spencer Hastings, find their friendship crumbles after Alison’s disappearance, and they go separate ways for the year. The story begins from that point–the four are reunited and bond over Alison’s continuing absence. Though Alison was the HBIC, if you will, the girls find their friendship can continue without her. They are tormented by ‘A’, who knows secrets about each girl and her family: embarrassing, life-destroying, crazy-ass, secrets!

Throughout the season, the girls try to figure out who ‘A’ is, and how to stop them. Is it Toby Cavanaugh, the former bad boy? His half-sister, Jenna, who was blinded in a mysterious accident (referenced as “The Jenna Thing”)? Perhaps Spencer’s former hook-up, and new brother-in-law, Ian Thomas, or her stank sister Melissa (who, incidentally, was on Beautiful People!)? There are oodles of options, and I’m not going to spoil any of them. The season really picked up in the second half, driven by new and intriguing characters, an expanding mystery, and enhanced danger. This is what television is about–realistic characters in realistic yet hyperbolic situations, needing to examine small details in order to make sense of the whole!

Beat that, Glee. Pwned.

Very Gossip Girl, no?

Everyone’s favorite summer show Pretty Little Liars returns to ABC Family with new episodes on Monday, January 3rd!  Catch up on episodes 1 through 10 online before tuning in for the second half of the first season.  Sure, the show has some issues, but it’s deliciously ridiculous, and the mystery was just heating up at the end of the summer.  If nothing else, Pretty Little Liars is an excellent way to fill the January television gap before the rest of the season kicks off.  I mean, Glee doesn’t start up until February 6th (after Super Bowl XLV), so something has to fill the hours!

As for your weekly, daily, hourly Kardashian update, two bits of news are floating around today: the first is that it’s been confirmed that Kourtney’s son Mason will not appear on Kourtney and Kim Take New York.  The Kardashians will whore themselves out to do many things…as long as they get paid.  Baby daddy Scott Disick went to the mattresses, so to speak, and refused to let Mason appear for less than $5000 per episode.  E! bosses didn’t budge from their offer of $1000 per, and thus: Mason will not be seen on KAKTNY.  Alas?  Cue Kourtney’s reinvention as a swinging single!

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, Kim is soon to release her first single!  And has been shooting her first single’s music video with none other than the ego himself, Kanye West.  Cue pearl clutching and Taylor Swift bashing!  Directed by Hype Williams, the video’s set was closed to onlookers and lookeyloos ‘cuz we all wants to know: is Kanye just in it, or does he duet?  Gotta know, gotta know!  Maybe it’s a lurve connection!

Last, and probably least (and lacking a Kardashian konnection), Camille Grammer–er–Camille Donatacci (Kelsey Grammer’s soon-to-be ex-wife) is getting $50 million for spousal and child support.  Say what!  The woman has four nannies–I don’t think $50 mil is enough, do you?  Next thing you know, she’ll be wanting/needing her own Bravo spinoff of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  Madness all around!

Snore, snore, snore some more

How are we feeling about the So You Think You Can Dance Top 4, America?  AdeChike Torbert, Lauren Froderman, Kent Boyd, and Robert Roldan took the stage doing a Tyce Diorio Guys and Dolls-ian number.  The top four danced a bunch, and the judges (along with Tyce as a fourth, nonsensical, judge) said basically the same stuff they’ve said every week.  The season needs to end and we need to forget it ever happened.  Next!

Project Runway and it’s seventy billion designers premiered last week.  Yeah, seventy billion is a bit of an exaggeration, but seriously—can you remember any of them?  I remember (Carlos) Casanova, Christopher (only because he’s from San Francisco), Ivy (she made pants out of pants!), smarmy disgusting Jason (obsessed with his sexuality—relax, dude, damn), and McKell (the dreadlocked Utahan who was executed—I mean, Auf’ed).  I know there were more, including maybe an Asian guy?  And some women?  But really, they all blend together into 90 minutes of semi-boredom.  I would be more interested in seeing a bit more of the audition videos, and less of the designers arriving in New York (the ferry?  Seriously, producers?).  The most exciting moment?  Finding out Casanova’s pants, to be ripped apart and reused for the challenge, were Dolce & Gabbana and cost over $1000.  Sacre bleu!  Poor little (Carlos).  And watching Nina Garcia translate en español for the poor man was kind of boss, too.  I hope Jason goes home next week, or they change models, or something, because that poor girl is going to end up traumatized when she learns how he was salivating over her boobs.  Keep it in your pants, man!

Pretty Little Liars is the only thing keeping me going, people.  It might land on the bananas side of the spectrum, but even in its most ridiculous moments, it’s better than just about anything else on television right now (and don’t get me started on how The Gates has gone downhill).  The intrigue!  The drama!  The plot twists!  It’s seriously crackers, but quite entertaining.  Check out this clip from an upcoming episode and tell me it’s not awesome:

-This post brought to you by DIANA

I have a guilty pleasure, one that goes beyond all the VH1 reality shows and ridiculous summer dramas (ahem, Pretty Little Liars).  It’s a little embarrassing—more embarrassing than Dad Camp and Celebrity Fit Club.  It’s the campy made-for-TV movies on Syfy (or, as I like to pronounce it, SeeFee).  Likely to be starring a washed-up has been, a no-name nobody or an Eighties pop singer (or all of the above), the made-for-TV movies are perfect for any time or occasion.  Action packed, nonstop drama, heartbreak and redemption, plus lots and lots of ridiculous killing.  From Dinoshark (one of my favorites) to Lake Placid 2 (starring Cloris Leachman as Betty White’s sister!), Mammoth to Sea Beast, Syfy has science fiction/horror movies covered.  The plots are laughable at best, the CGI absolutely terrible (they spend all the money on a billion subplots, each designed to introduce a character who is killed by the monster), and the acting deplorable.  I’m half convinced Dinoshark was shot in Spanish and dubbed over in English.  I could list all the movies I’ve watched, but that would take too long, and anyway, there are two things to focus on:

Dinocroc vs. Supergator made its television debut on Saturday night.  Starring the late, great David Carradine and filmed on Kauai (like many of Syfy’s movies, it has a tropical bent), it’s a great introduction for any novice: washed-up has beens, six or seven subplots, obvious overdubbing, terrible special effects, an awkward romance, and more gratuitous (yet obviously fake) violence then you can shake a stick at.  2 hours of rollicking good times!  See, David Carradine owns a company and made his scientists test a growth hormone on, well, it’s not really clear—on already genetically modified creatures, I guess?  Because the Dinocroc looks mostly like a dinosaur, while Supergator just looks like a really big alligator (and by the way, the ability of the monster changes from frame to frame!  That’s how cool they are!) that can jump on and crush a minivan.  Heyooo!  Then the monsters escape the lab, and all hell breaks loose.  Give it a watch—you’ll end up prepared for:

The second thing to focus on!  Eighties pop stars Debbie “Deborah” Gibson (star of the awesome Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, along with one Lorenzo Lamas!) and Tiffany (yes, one name Tiffany!), who starred in Mega Piranha (not as good as Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus), will come together—their powers will combine!  A catfight is guaranteed!—in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid!  Ok, so, giant pythons are threatening the alligator population in the Everglades, and Deb plays a fanatical animal rights activist who frees exotic pets from pet stores into the Everglades.  Nice going, Deb!  Tiffany is an overzealous park ranger worried about the growing ecological damage to her beloved alligators, and takes matters into her own hands (probably including some human growth hormone or all natural steroid thing).  All this magic has just gone into production for a release date sometime next year.  Yes!

Wet your whistle with this excerpt from Mega Piranha (and Tiffany!):

PS: Inspired by the above clip to create your own Syfy movie experience?  Syfy is looking for pitches!  More info here!

-This post brought to you by DIANA