I know what you’re thinking: didn’t we just read about Lindsay getting arrested yet again last week? Wasn’t she doing community service cleaning up a morgue? Weren’t her teeth deteriorating? How, exactly, could the life of Lohan get weirder? By getting a lot more blatantly sexual!

Lindsay, who previously declared she would never do a full nude scene in a movie and even had a body double for movies (like the fantastic Machete), will be going full frontal in an upcoming issue of Playboy for a reported $1 million! To put a positive spin on it….I guess at least it’s not Penthouse? Although a few years back Lindsay probably wouldn’t have removed a sock for $1 million, after these last few years of legal trouble with very little actual work that figure is obviously enough for her to reveal her figure. What’s even weirder is that Lindsay apparently brought her little sister along for the photo shoot. Yep, totally normal family dynamics. But it doesn’t end there! Lindsay reportedly has another million dollar offer on the table: to become the official face (and more…) of a sex toy. I’ll keep the details sparse here, but lets just say they’re interested in replicating certain…aspects….of miss Lohan for…recreational…use. That’s what all the respectable actresses do, right? Helen Mirren you minx!

But let’s not forget the rest of the Lohan clan, particularly the one who seems to be locked in a constant battle with Lindsay for the most mugshots: her dad Michael Lohan. Ol Mikey had a busy week after violating a no contact order with his ex-girlfriend, apparently calling multiple times in a frantic state to explain why he had thrown a remote control at her. Man, how many times have we all had that convo with our significant other? When police raided Lohan’s hotel, he attempted to jump from his balcony to a nearby tree, falling 34 feet and landing on some chairs. Believe it or not, alcohol and drugs were found in his system. Totally seems like a sober move, right? Weird! Right now Lohan is in the hospital, waiting until he is well enough to be moved to jail. Probably just in time for his daughter’s Playboy issue to be the hot commodity in the prison yard! Creepy!

Oh Charlie. Remember when the entire world hung on your every word? When we gathered around our computers to hear your U-Stream rants as though they were Roosevelt’s Fireside Chats? When your catchphrases adorned t-shirts and Facebook statues across the internet? When the media circus you created was the lead story on every entertainment show in the world? TMZ must have had a team of full-time Charlie watchers. But no more. The glory days have come and gone. The reign of Charlie is officially over.

For while there Charlie Sheen seemed to have the world in front of him, with reported TV show and movie offers and the option to go back to his multi-million dollar stint on Two and a Half Men? But no more, Ashton Kutcher has taken up that mantle and will be acting as the new charming, labido-driven guy on Two and a Half Men. Charlie took his rapid following as a chance to tour the country, triumphantly greeting his adoring fans in each city. But no more, his bizarre, rambling, unfunny stage-show has limped to an end after horrible reviews and grossly under-performing ticket sales. At one point he had multiple porn star “goddesses” living in his mansion. But no more, one of them ditched him for a new boyfriend only days after his live show started tanking, and the last has finally ditched him this week now that it was clear Charlie’s time in the spotlight was over.

With no professional opportunities apparently being offered to him, and a cultural image that has gone from deranged folk hero to cliched punchline who everyone is sick of, it seems that Charlie is out of luck for now. The Sheen kingdom is crumbling. The supply of Tiger Blood is running dry. Is it time to change the slogan to “Losing!”?

It’s like Big Love, but without all that Mormonism getting in the way of the drugs and alcohol

If you thought Charlie was on a downward spiral before, just wait till you see what kind of tailspin this latest news will set him on! After his most recent radio rant about the producers of Two and a Half Men (co-creator Chuck Lorre, in particular) CBS has canceled the rest of the season of the show and are apparently still deciding whether they want to continue. One one hand it’s the most popular sitcom on TV, and on the other hand it stars an insane alcoholic/drug addict/sexaholic who can’t help himself from being a disastrous media spectacle. So although Two and a Half Men hasn’t officially been canceled altogether, after this latest rift I hardly see the two sides coming together amicably. Charlie’s radio interview was so full of choice quotes about himself and Chuck Lorre that it was tempting just to post a transcript. He refers to Lorre as a “maggot,” claims for years he has turned the “tin cans” Lorre writes into pure gold, and said he embarrassed Lorre in front of his children and the world by recovering from his addictions at a pace that his tony mind couldn’t fathom. Really Charlie? Somehow you don’t sound fully recovered… When it came to that issue, Charlie brushed off his issues, saying the only thing he has ever been addicted to was “winning.” I assume “winning” is some strand of especially potent cocaine.

So what’s next for Charlie if his reign as king of the sitcoms is truly coming to an end? Although Charlie has been making claims that he is already in talks to star in his own HBO series that would pay him a whopping 5 million dollars an episode, some are doubting the legitimacy of the claim. Including HBO, who say they have never spoken with Sheen about any show. Oops! Guess sometimes reality and dreamland kind of blur together after a few party days without sleep, huh Char? At this rate Charlie will end up an unemployable actor with his own VH1 or E! reality show. Which would be awesome! Right now the guy is living in a house with his soon to be ex-wife, their ex-nanny and a random porn star! How is that not a TV show?! It would be like Three’s Company or Full House, but waaaay weirder.

Charlie and the most recent porn star to sell him out.

The past few weeks have been rough for Charlie Sheen, between hospital visits, rehab, paparazzi hounding him and (worst of all) some of his precious porn star pals blabbing to the press about their every interaction with Charlie. Come on, he trusted you girls! And you sell him out for some quick cash and attention? I mean really, porn actresses doing something unseemly in the public eye for money? I’ve never heard of such a thing!

Now another porn actress, Cassandra Cruz, has come out of the woodwork with texts she exchanged with Charlie at the end of his infamous hospitalization-inducing bender. Charlie apparently knew the jig was up, turning down her invite to hang out, simply stating “The party’s over.” Jeez, that kind of cryptic talk sounds like the final line in Sheen’s suicide note. The party is never over for that dude. She offered him help getting sober, but he simply replied back that they were in “lock down now.” But it’s still Charlie, so he transitioned right into hitting on her, saying, “I think you’re really sexy.” Aside from the fact that she’s actually sober, what makes this porn star unique? She has a day job at Disneyland under her real name. Probably a little awkward when a dad gets as excited as his daughter about the princess she’s posing for pictures with. “Look it’s Jasmine!” “Look, it’s that girl from Not Charlie’s Angels XXX!” Yeah, that’s one of her real films. How appropriate is that? At least the acting is probably better than Charlie’s Angel’s: Full Throttle.

But so far Charlie seems to be doing well with his clean-up. He’s not only offered to pay the staff of Two and a Half Men for the time he is holding up production with rehab, but he also made a surprise appearance at a UCLA baseball practice to re-live his Major League days and spread a (albeit slightly bizarre) message to the kids: “Stay off the crack. Drink a chocolate milk.” That’s a message I think we can all get behind!

Fierce!

America’s Next Top Model Cycle 16 premieres February 23 on The CW (that’s pretty soon!). Seems like Cycle Fifteen, the Haute Couture/High Fashion cycle featuring winner Ann Ward, just ended, doesn’t it? Guess Tyra Banks is finding herself at loose ends without her talk show, and is desperately trying to stay as relevant as possible (although let’s be honest: RuPaul is the new Tyra, and RuPaul’s Drag Race is the new ANTM. This has been utterly proved since the amazing Sutan Amrull is now on RuPaul’s Drag Race, and should win!). Pictures and bios of the fourteen finalists haven’t yet been announced, but this pleaser of a teaser has been released:

I can’t believe the contestants are finally put in big plastic balls! JUST LIKE HAMSTERS! My money’s on the trained killer bees girl!

Any of ya’ll watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion? Yes/no/maybe? Cackling, fake cigarette aficionado and Medium Alison DuBois claims Camille Grammer will not be returning to the show next year. “Camille has told me that she is looking forward to moving on with her life without the Housewives,” DuBois told RadarOnline.com.”Camille said that filming the reunion show was the longest eight hours of her life. Camille thought the filming was never going to end, eight hours seems a little long. It was extremely draining for her, emotionally.” Meanwhile, back in New York, the as yet undivorced Kelsey Grammer has booked The Plaza Hotel for a February 25th wedding to his pregnant paramour, Kayte Walsh. Negotiations with Camille have yet to be finalized, but Kelsey seems confident she’ll accept his terms by then. The complication? No prenup! Kayte won’t be signing one either, so we can do this whole song and dance again in a couple years.

Speaking of song and dance, earlier today it was reported that Ricky Gervais has been invited back to host the Golden Globes yet again, next year! To which he said, SUCK IT, HATERS! Now, in an exclusive piece, The Hollywood Reporter is reporting Phil Berk (head of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association) said there is no truth to this rumor! Haters, you win this round!

Finally: porn star and Charlie Sheen undacovah lovah Kacey Jordan went on Good Morning America and said Charlie had no probs with her babysitting his kids. Denise Richards, one of two Sheen baby mamas, took to Twitter for her 140 character response: “If you caught GMA today..FYI.. No “adult film star” will be babysitting our kids!” No word yet from Brooke Mueller.