January 27th, 2010, 12:58 PM
By now, we all know Dustin Diamond wrote a tell-all book about his years on Saved By the Bell called Behind the Bell that simultaneously grossed us out and made us sad. Not that anyone actually read it.
Except for this 11 Points contributor! You should really check out the long, long list of highlights (eleven, in fact!) they’ve put together, but in the meantime, let me condense them for you in a mostly SFW fashion so you can see if it’s worth your time:
1) Dustin has had sex with over 2,000 women and is well-endowed. Dustin is no Screech Powers.
2) Mario Lopez (a.k.a. A.C. Slater) raped a girl, and NBC paid her to keep quiet.
3) Tiffani Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski) was dating Eddie Garcia, the actor who played Johnny Dakota in the anti-drug episode, while having relations with both Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris) and Mario Lopez at the same time.
4) The entire cast was smoking weed during the said anti-drug episode (”Theres no hope with dope!”).
5) Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie Spano) also had relations with both Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Mario Lopez.
6) Lark Voorhies (Lisa Turtle) also had relations with both Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Mario Lopez.
7) Martin Lawrence was abusive to Lark Voorhies when they were engaged (Whoa! Never knew they were together).
8 ) Dustin had sex with Linda Mancuso, NBC’s VP of children’s programming.
9) Mark-Paul Gosselaar confessed to the cast that he had used steroids before Saved By the Bell: The College Years.
10) Ed Alonzo (a.k.a. Max, owner of The Max) used to practice magic tricks with a young Neil Patrick Harris and also get sexy with him.
11) Executive Producer Peter Engel (you’ve seen the name!) used to have threesomes with Tiffani Thiessen and Mark-Paul Gosselaar in his office.
That’s all he wrote. Only Mr. Belding remains unscathed!
Okay, so not to be a total Pollyanna, but I’m assuming just about all this is made up. For one, these lies aren’t even creative. They basically amount to: everyone had sex with each other. And even if it DID happen, who cares? Dustin Diamond is quite simply continuing to reveal himself as the insecure, bitter has-been that we already knew he was.
So the question remains: should we read this? Nah.