Hey, is Gossip Girl turning into a daytime soap? Car accidents, mistresses, political scandals, good kids gone bad, love triangles, moms back from the dead… all signs point to yes! Here’s what went down…
Jenny Humphrey & Eric van der Woodsen
SO TIRED OF THESE TWO. So they’re still rivals, I guess, but they’re really boring about it. Jenny gets some rare designer handbag, so Eric has some cute dark-haired girl named Sawyer get it too, to piss Li’l J off and make her look bad in front of the minions when she tells Sawyer to get rid of it. But then Jenny buys everyone rare designer handbags and everyone’s happy. Then Eric and Jenny make up and its SO BORING. But are they made up for good?
The end of the ep sees Jenny out on the town with Damien, the drug-dealing son of an ambassador. It seems Li’l J’s been dealing drugs! So stoked. She’ll look helluv cute in juvie.
Dan Humphrey & Vanessa Abrams
So Dan is STILL crushing on Vanessa and isn’t sure what to do. She invites him up on a weekend getaway with her and her new bf Paul Hoffman and some cute girl named Willa Weinstein, but he can’t decide whether to go. Buddy Nate Archibald suggests he either a) confess his feelings or b) start up with some random college hook-ups. Dan tries b), by trying to hook up with Willa (wearing gold lamé!) but it just don’t feel right and he stops.
On to a)! In a moment of high emotion, Dan tells Vanessa he loves her. “I love you, too,” she says, but in a BFF way. He starts explaining himself, but she stops him and tells him people say things they don’t mean when under stress, and basically brushes him off.
Though pretentious and terrible, Vanessa’s not stupid. Babe knows what’s going on. Is she totally over Dan? Will she be ready to address the issue after she’s thought things through? Eh, can’t say that I care.
Serena van der Woodsen & Trip van der Bilt
Serena’s shacking up with Trip at the family’s country estate, acting like such a teenager. Zomg where’s the wifi, where’s the TV wah wah wah. Meanwhile, Trip gets a phone call and tells S he’s off to meet with grandfather. But guess where he goes? Off to see wife Maureen! It seems Maureen is okay with him seeing Serena privately, as long as they’re together publicly - she thinks this fling is just a phase. Maureen then tells Trip she’d like to speak with Serena, which he agrees to because he’s sooooo spineless.
So Maureen talks to Serena and basically lays it all out for her: “You can have him in private, but I get him in public…I’m Jackie, you’re Marilyn.” She whips out the letter from Serena’s dad Keith van der Woodsen as blackmail - if S doesn’t agree to the plan, she’ll tell Rufus what’s in that note, which is essentially something about mother Lily and Keith spending the night in a hotel room together while she was supposedly at CeCe’s.
Serena is freaked out and calls mommy, telling her she wants to go home, everything is horrible. Lily promises her she’ll tell Rufus everything. Serena starts leaving to find a cab, right as Trip comes home. Serena’s super pissed at him and wants to leave. He convinces her to let him drive her back, which she agrees to - but no talking, plz.
BOOM CRASH POW! Trip swerves to hit a pack of wolves (Wtf? Twilight crossover wolves?) and crashes the car. Serena is hunched over the dashboard, blood spilling from her dome. Trip gets out of the car, unscathed, and calls Maureen. Maureen waves her magic PR wand and ding! Serena has been transferred to the driver’s seat and is now the lone car crash survivor and is rushed to the hospital.
But Nate knows everything! He had been on his way to the country estate to see Serena when he came across the accident. Nate confronts cousin Trip in front of the hospital, and after Trip responds like a wuss, Nate punches his lights out! So awesome. P.S. Do people still say “punch his lights out”? I hope so.
Lily rushes to the hospital to see Serena, and tells her that she still hadn’t told Rufus about the letter, which bums her out. Lily leaves to tell confront the situation, but unfortunately, she’s too late: Maureen has already gone to Rufus with the note. We later see him meeting one of the trophy wives he’d met earlier in the episode at a bar - he needs to talk to someone who can relate. Get it? Rufus is a trophy husband who’s been tossed aside!
Serena wakes up in the middle of the night and sees Nate asleep in a chair and her room. This makes her happy. Love is blooming!
Chuck Bass and the Ghost of Bart Bass
Finally, a Chuck Bass storyline we can sink our teeth into! So basically, it’s the anniversary of Chuck’s father Bart’s death, and so he keeps imagining the old-timer everywhere. Bart is constantly over Chuck’s shoulder, criticizing his business deals and telling him he’s gone “soft” because he’d let gf Blair Waldorf into his heart.
Obv, this causes Chuck to act like a huge dick to Blair, who keeps trying to comfort him on his day of grief. Dude keeps pushing her away, but she understands what’s going on and is persistent.
On his way to an important meeting, Chuck gets a call about step-sis Serena’s accident and asks his driver to turn the car around to the hospital. Of course, Bart shows up and tells him he sucks, he’s gonna lose the deal. Chuck manages to disregard dad and heads to see his fam.
At the hospital, Chuck relives the scene of his father passing away - seeing Bart on his deathbed, being overwhelmed with emotion, and rushing past Lily and Serena out the door. Chuck panics and collapses on the hospital floor. Blair comes out to talk to him and tells him he’s strong, that he had grown up to be the man his father never was - someone who cared about people and confronted his emotions.
Chuck takes Blair’s words to heart and decides to visit his father’s grave - and is met with a strange woman at the gravestone, who calls out “Charles!” and runs off. Confused, Chuck approaches the grave and finds a locket with an “E” and a picture of Bart on it.
HELLO! This is clearly Chuck’s mother, am I right? His mom’s name had been Evelyn (E locket!), she’d brought yellow flowers (mom’s fave!), and Blair had mentioned Chuck had never been to her gravesite because Bart thought it was morbid for children to visit cemeteries. Basically, Evelyn Bass is alive, right?
We’ll find out… when? It’s unclear when Gossip Girl will return from winter hiatus, but I hear it may not be until March. Sheesh! Way too long!
I’ve enjoyed these past two episodes. Don’t quit on me now, Gossip Girl! xoxo!