Emmy committee, you might as well just give Kim her Emmy now…

Kim Kardashian, like many reality TV stars, is a bit of a conundrum. As we all know, reality shows along the lines of Keeping Up with the Kardashians are pretty far from “reality,” with producers and behind the scenes editors coaching out intriguing twists and manufacturing easy to publicize drama. And on the show Kim “acts” all the time. Are we really supposed to believe she had a heart to heart with her mom about whether its normal to not want to see your husband? Obviously not, it was a scene created to play up her divorce. She was acting. So then why is she so terrible at acting acting? We’re going to find out if her years on reality TV have helped her improve at all when she joins the cast of Drop Dead Diva for a multi-episode story arc. Well, someone will find out, because it’s on Lifetime, and no way in the world am I watching something on that channel. Except for Project Runway, because Tim Gunn is awesome. And that new Rob Lowe Lifetime movie where he has a bad mustache and says “I’m untouchable, bitch.” That kind of looks great as well. Ok fine, I watch Lifetime, I admit it.

Now, if I can, let me speak directly to Kim: Kim, oh Kim, why are you doing this? Do you really think you’re going to become a legitimate actress one day? Who could possibly ever see past the fact that you’re Kim Kardashian? I hardly think you’re going to start disappearing into your roles like Meryl Streep or something. If you were in the Iron Lady you better believe Margaret Thatcher would have had a bedazzled iPhone, said “like” a lot and worn much shorter skirts. Here’s the thing Kim, you are great at many things. Getting paid to go to clubs, getting paid to lend your name and face to products you would never use (come on, a clothing line at Sears?!), getting paid to be yourself on TV, getting paid to get married on TV, getting paid to talk about your divorce on TV, getting paid to wear very little in men’s interest magazines, etc. You know what you’re not so hot at? Things that require talent. I think your first acting gig in Disaster Movie (even you can admit that was a…well,that joke writes itself) and your not so hit single Jam prove that you should steer clear of things that talented people do, like act and sing. You’re Kim Kardashian, you are in the business of being Kim Kardashian. That’s all anybody wants out of you.

Josh M. and his self-chosen top 3 looks

Project Runway. Anya Ayoung-Chee wins, right? The former beauty queen with a lovely accent and sex tape shenanigans and inability to make structured garments is a shoo-in for most divisive contestant since, uh, well, Gretchen Jones last season! Way to go, Lifetime: you’ve successfully pissed off most of your remaining viewers. Anya is like The Beatles: you love her or you don’t. The internet is rife with Anya sympathizers and Anya detractors (I think you can guess which camp I’m in), and many sympathizers are now detractors. Tim Gunn’s home visit was the final straw!

In past seasons, the final four have gotten anywhere from eight to sixteen (season 7) weeks to complete their collections–sixteen weeks!! This bunch of misfit toys gets six. A measly six weeks to create and execute a ten look collection! The producers are really all about high stakes this season, aren’t they? Except, of course, when it would have a negative affect on a certain Caribbean bombshell.

Tim visited Kimberly first, and dudes: she is so totally over this mess. She’s like, leave me be, Project Runway: the judges just don’t get my stuff and I am tired. That, by the way, was all subtext. Her adorable niece is adorable, and it’s always fun to see Tim with the families.

Then, Trinidad! Tim wears a suit–hell, he probably sleeps in a suit! Like a vampire. Anya, three weeks in (halfway) has yet to create anything. So, there you go. Three weeks in, and nothing to show for it, not even muslin mockups? You’ve got to be kidding! Never before in the history of Project Runway, etc. It’s embarrassing–she’s a finalist and it’s Season 9! But, of course, you know what happens.

Viktor, in New York, showed Tim the strongest looks. He’s been a bit overshadowed by Anya’s hair and Josh’s eyebrows, but is definitely a strong (if catty) contender. Kimberly flew the most under the radar, but compared to Anya and Josh, Viktor is a close second. This really has been the season of the personality, hasn’t it?

Josh, of course, is last, and meets Tim at a bar (barf). One thing I’ll say for him is that he seemed to really listen to Tim’s advice. You can imagine, of course, what his collection looks like. We also see pictures of him as a callow youth, and: the eyebrows are THE SAME. Hair, eyebrows, tan: all same. Eek.

Three weeks later, everyone meets up in New York to find out who shows on television at Fashion Week, because everyone goes, just not everyone shows on television. Instead of changing when Project Runway airs, producers seem to find it simpler to just make the top 10 create collections and have all 10 show. Silly, right? Yet, every year, same thing. In any case, I’ll watch tonight’s finale, just to see how much tomfoolery occurs. Will you?

You are absolutely right, Kal Penn

How I Met Your Mother. Right?!! Thank goodness Zoey is finally gone (though reappearing on ABC’s Once Upon a Time, hopefully in a less annoying role). Though not as bad as least season (yet, anyway), the show is skating on thin ice. Pregnancy is a pretty boring role to be thrown into for poor Alyson Hannigan, and her heinous hairstyling is not doing her OR her storyline ANY favors. Also doing the storyline no favors? Ted’s boring-ass love life! For a show purportedly about how Future Ted met The Mother, Ted has really been striking out lately with the ladies. Can we at least get a candidate? Or is Future Ted really Future Barney telling how he met Future Nora (or Future Robin)? Robin’s therapist/boyfriend Kevin (Kal Penn) calling the group out on their weird codependent relationships was wonderfully meta, but where was the internet last week during the Edward vs. Jacob (James Olmos) debate?

(Really, Kal Penn? You left working at the White House for this?)

If the thought of having to wait another TWO YEARS to meet The Mother isn’t enough to chap your hide, stew on this for a bit: after announcing and advertising Project Runway: All-Stars as premiering in early November, Lifetime has pushed the show back to an unspecified date in 2012. 2011is officially for waiting!

Anya lost her money. The producers lost their minds.

Are you watching this season of Project Runway on Lifetime? Girl, not even the provocative pose of Heidi Klum’s advertisement can save this show. Abandon ship! What’s happened to make this season so unbearable? I’d like to point to all the freaking team challenges, which seem to occur every single time an even number of designers are left on the show. Take last week’s episode, for example: with the previous auf’ing of my favorite adorable Southern boy, Anthony Ryan Auld, six designers were left. Six designers! Who were promptly paired off. Two weeks prior, with 8 designers remaining, they were divided into teams of four. Two weeks before that: 10 designers, two teams of 5. See where this is going?

The show is predictable, even as it tries to be all “first [fill-in-the-blank] on Project Runway, evarrrrr!” practically every episode. Third challenge (and first team, ugh, challenge): stilt walkers! Next, making an outfit for Nina Garcia, followed not long by making more clothes for Heidi’s New Balance line (which, P.S., is totes heinous, and the PR designers should be embarrassed by their attempts at shoring up Heidi’s fashion empire). I think Tim Gunn, who seems a shadow of his former shelf, has uttered the aforementioned phrase at least once an episode–shamefully, most of the time. He’s all, “Make it work!” and “Really?” and “Piperlime accessory wall,” and that’s….about it. No more interesting vlogs from Tim, no more snappy comments or actual caring. Tim, like most of us, is over it.

The tipping point, for me and for many, was Episode 10: Anya Loses Her Money during the Piperlime challenge. SERIOUSLY A PROJECT RUNWAY FIRST, a designer completely losing her money at Mood, and having to depend on muslin and the kindness of her fellow contestants to send a clothed model down the runway. And then, the twist? Everyone having to create a second look, with an additional budget? Clearly dreamed up by the producers as a way to ensure Anya stuck around. Producers love pretty people (look at, um, every reality show ever), and a success story like Anya isn’t going to get away that easily! What’s more, she ended up WINNING the challenge. Which, much like Heidi’s New Balance challenge, isn’t worth getting all het up about, since it’s all about mass market appeal and the ease of production.

Who remains? Anya Ayoung-Chee, of course, along with eyebrow maven Joshua McKinley, the calm Kimberly Goldson, catty Laura Kathleen (sans last name), and soundbite generator Viktor Luna. May Tim help us all.

Summation: Anya for the win. And she’s only been sewing for four months! Whatevs, I’m done, I’ve moved on, I’ll be over here, watching Revenge and Ringer.

The Russian Dolls–but not that kind of Russian Doll!

Oh, Lifetime. What are we going to do with you? Your programming is all over the place! Gone are the days when the casual viewer can depend on Lifetime to simply deliver syndicated sitcoms like Reba and How I Met Your Mother, and ridiculously dramatic made-for-TV movies like Mother, May I Sleep With Danger (starring Tori Spelling!). These days, Lifetime has gotten into the original programming game, like so many other, more successful, cable networks.

Now, as I am a woman, you’d think I would be stoked to have a network dedicated to things I theoretically love, right? I mean, Lifetime is the original–WeTV and Oxygen and OWN are the young upstarts! Lifetime has been around, it has been in the poo and come out the other side, right? WRONG. Lifetime is for a particular kind of woman, probably one who would not be out of place in a Nora Roberts or Mary Higgins Clark kind of world (two authors Lifetime adores, bee tee dubs). It’s all ABC Family meets A&E with a little USA thrown in for the quirky crowd. Lifetime seems to think women want to watch shows about exaggerated, dramatic, ridiculous women. Case in point? Drop Dead Diva. Army Wives. Hell, Project Runway! And the movies–the movies! Every woman is a woman scorned or a woman hurt by a man, or both. It’s enough to make you want to hide under the bed.

And speaking of the bed–have you seen the promos for one of Lifetime’s newest shows, Against the Wall? I’m all for women having healthy sex lives, but holy moly! Every promo goes like this: family disappointment at lead character; lead character has sex; family disappointment at lead character; lead character has sex; repeat repeat repeat. All this hussy seems to do is argue with her family, feel like a martyr, and have sex with random dudes. It’s off putting. Following Project Runway tonight at 10:30pm is Lifetime’s newest show, a takeoff on Jersey Shore called Russian Dolls. Set in Brighton Beach, the show follows some Russian people as they do whatever they do–be crazy Russians, I guess. Unlike Jersey Shore, however, these people are being followed at home: they all actually live in Brighton Beach, a historically Russian-American community! And to make things even better, Russian Dolls is a term often associated with the prostitution trade. Epic work, Lifetime.

There are some great things coming up, too, like The Client List, based on the made-for-TV movie about a housewife-turned-secret prostitute that somehow got Jennifer Love Hewitt nominated for a Golden Globe–don’t worry, she’s starring in the television show, too! Also in the pipeline is America’s Supernanny. I think the title explains it all.

Ladies, if you’re into wildly unrealistic television shows about wildly unrealistic women, if you like watching other people’s bratty kids shape up (only after acting out for 45 minutes out of an hour), or women turn to high class prostitution after being scorned or scorning someone else, Lifetime is the channel for you. If you love Russians, shows about thin dead women reincarnated as curvy women, or movies about eternally terrified women who find love and comfort only in the arms of a man, you have found your place. The rest of us, we’ll keep looking.

Tim looks fresh as a daisy!

Hustle and flow, Tim Gunn! Project Runway kicked off its 9th Season (!!) last Thursday night, with two and a half hours of footage. IKNOWRITE?! It was a long evening. We met each Top 20 designer twice–once during the hour-long casting special, and once during the first half hour of the 90 minute premiere episode. It didn’t make much sense–Heidi said they wanted to be mean by forcing 20 designers to come to New York, then cut 4 right after the final round of casting. It would’ve been meaner–and thereby more interesting to the viewers–to make all 20 do the first challenge (which was righteous) and then cut 5! That would’ve been mean! Not just mean, but AWESOME. Unfortunately, quintessentially named reality show contestant Gunnar Deatherage is one of the first to go. Nina Garcia still gives awesome bitchface. Michael Kors could give an Oompa Loompa a lesson on spray tanning. Christina Ricci, the very first guest judge of the season, continues to be amazing.

The producers aren’t playing around this year: they want these contestants sleep deprived from the very beginning. Having Tim Gunn wake you up at 5 o’clock in the morning must be quite an experience, even as he tells you to grab a bedsheet (and nothing else!) and frogmarches you to Parsons and the workroom! The challenge: take whatever you were sleeping in, plus your one sheet, and make an outfit. Everyone seems to catch on pretty quickly–everyone except (spoiler!) eventual loser Rafael Cox. He refuses to take off his pretty headscarf (doesn’t want to “look homeless”), and makes a boring, gross outfit out of his nasty sweats and his sheet. Tim Gunn is like, don’t even bother unpacking, homeboy. The winner, old dude Bert Keeter (a name I adore!) used his boxers as a dress bodice, and all I could think about was ballsweat on his model’s boob. But hey, it worked! Runner-up Anya Ayoung-Chee, the Miss Trinidad and Tobago 2008 softcore porn tape star, has only been sewing for four months (!!) but seemed to do all right, making a lovely pair of pants that puts most PR pants to shame. Everyone else was pretty middle of the pack–big ups to Fallene Wells for putting her Threadless puking clown on her final dress! I am a bit nervous for Mormon (and possibly closeted dude) Joshua Christensen, who seems like a man on the edge.

So far, so good, right? Though the claws have yet to come out, and people have yet to be forcibly stuck under moving heavy equipment, but the season is young. Previews look interesting–testicular cancer survivor Anthony Ryan Auld and Bert seem to have it out on the runway at one point, but who knows. No Gretchen, so there’s a positive! Things can only improve…right?

Project Runway Season 9: Look at all these people!

Didn’t you know? Haven’t you seen the advertisements? Heidi Klum is so excited about (or scared of) Project Runway Season 9 (!!) that she took her clothes off! All her clothes fell off! She’s been a model for so long that it shouldn’t be that newsworthy, but maybe Lifetime is trying to tap into the male market (or lesbian, for that matter). Or maybe Project Runway just needed a bit of a kick in the pants. Or maybe, y’know, Heidi just felt like it. It’s her show! She can do what she wants!

We already know Our Lady of the K Kim Kardashian will be a guest judge, but what we didn’t know (up ’til now) was anything about the contestants. Problem solved, people! Problem solved. Lifetime has announced the cast! Despite a dearth of people from Northern California, it looks like a fun bunch. Another twist this year: they’ll start with twenty (20) and cut 4 in the very first episode! Crafty, Heidi, but way to pad the running time!

The starting twenty are (recognize any names or faces?):

- Amanda Perna, 25. Hometown: Fort Lauderdale, Fla.; Resides in: New York City.
- Anthony Ryan Auld, 28. Hometown: Linden, Texas; Resides in: Baton Rouge, La.
- Anya Ayoung-Chee, 29. - Hometown/resides: Port-of-Spain, Trinidad and Tobago.
- Becky Ross, 38. Hometown: Calumet, Mich.; Resides in: Portland, Ore.
- Bert Keeter, 57. Hometown: Washington, D.C.; Resides in: Los Angeles.
- Bryce Black, 26. Hometown: Twin Falls, Idaho; Resides in: Portland, Ore.
- Cecilia Motwani, 34. Hometown: Cordoba, Argentina; Resides in: Woodside, N.Y.
- Danielle Everine, 26 - Hometown/resides: Minneapolis.
- David Chum, 29. Hometown: Merong, Battaan, Philippines; Resides in: Boston.
- Fallene Wells, 29. Hometown: Las Vegas; Resides in: Denver.
- Gunnar Deatherage, 21. Hometown: La Grange, Ky.; Resides in: Louisville, Ky.
- Joshua McKinley, 25. Hometown: Cleveland; Resides in: New York City
- Joshua Christensen, 29. Hometown: Snohomish, Wash.; Resides in: Los Angeles.
- Julie Tierney, 35. Hometown: Baton Rouge, La.; Resides in: Grand Junction, Colo.
- Kimberly Goldson, 35. Hometown: Brooklyn, N.Y.; Resides in: White Plains, Md.
- Laura Kathleen , 26. Hometown/resides: St. Louis.
- Olivier Green, 22. Hometown: International; Resides in: New York City
- Rafael Cox, 27. Hometown: Alamogordo, N.M.; Resides in: Atlanta.
- Serena da Conceicao, 31. Hometown: Kingston, N.Y.; Resides in: Brooklyn, N.Y.
- Viktor Luna, 30 - Hometown: Guadalajara, Mexico; Resides in: New York City.

Looks like plenty of prima donnas, hipsters, divas, and assholes! Just like every season, eh? Gawker broke a nice story yesterday about Anya Ayoung-Chee, also known as Miss Trinidad and Tobago 2008, who competed in the Miss Universe pageant, and had a sex tape scandal! Not just any sex tape scandal, a girl-on-girl, indignant ex-boyfriend sex tape scandal! Fascinating stuff! Nothing big has broken about any of the other contestants, although I do hope that grandpa Bert Keeter kicks major keister and shows the youngsters what-for. Yeah!

Project Runway returns Thursday, July 28th, at 9pm on Lifetime (formerly Television for Women, now Television for Women, and Men Who Love Reality Shows about Fashion).

Worlds will collide this summer, ladies and gents, when Kim Kardashian makes a guest appearance on perennial Lifetime reality favorite Project Runway! Trashy meets classy! Kim is set to fly out to New York this week to film with Tim Gunn, Heidi Klum, and Michael Kors, possibly at the live event this Friday. Live event, you ask? Yes! This Friday, Project Runway is having their first ever public runway show! If you happen to be in The Esplanade Plaza @ Battery Park City around 8 or 9am on Friday, well, take some photos! Apparently Tim and Kim have some history and some gossip mongers expect a hair-pulling and hold-my-earrings type of throwdown to occur. The fabulous Tim Gunn made some negative remarks about La Kardashian’s fashion sense last year (really, who can blame him?), but saved the best for the entire Kardashian Klan: “I just think the Kardashians have an absence of taste, and I don’t think that that should be perpetuated.” Word to the third, Tim. To the third.

In other questionable taste news, Project Runway Season Four finalist Chris March (who used human hair in his final Project Runway designs and totally freaked out the judges!) has a new show on Bravo, premiering August 2nd. The show will chronicle Chris’ life as an over-the-top fashion designer being, well, over-the-top. Check it out below, and tell me what you think!

It was makeover day yesterday at the America’s Next Top Model ranch, which included a surprise elimination!  Boy, it didn’t take much to throw Terra White off her game, did it?  Bottom two at the first elimination (but safe), yet she can’t suck it up enough to rock her new hairstyle?  Ladies, ladies: as a short-haired vixen myself, I can’t believe the sobbing!  Embrace your new look, especially if you want to succeed!  Pouting and sulking will not make your hair grow back.  No one went bald, most stayed more or less the same, and only Kayla Ferell had a super dramatic color change (electric red!  With a Dorothy Hamill bob!).  The Amazonian Ann Ward stood out from the rest of the pack by being called first for best picture for the second week in a row, and pretty much everyone else fell flat.  Patricia Field (best known for her work on Sex and the City) was the guest judge, and she was pretty cool.  I’m appreciating how Tyra has clearly elevated this season so far.

I wish the same could be said for Project Runway.  While I love that Mondo Guerra got the win last week, I’m crushed that cutie pie Michael Drummond was given the boot.  And after watching Tim Gunn’s vlogs, I will say this: Lifetime, you need to pull it together!  Tim must have some sort of carte blanche clause in his contract, because he is not shy about making his displeasure with the producers and judges known.  Most of those designers left are on my last nerve—Ivy Higa, Andy South, Michael Costello: get thee gone!  Gretchen Jones, learn how to dress thyself.  So sayeth the general public!  Mondo for the motherlovin’ win, ya’ll!

Tonight gives us the series premiere of My Generation on ABC.  If Project Runway continues it’s cringeworthy slide, perhaps I’ll be tuning in.  Or I’ll already be watching Nikita, because it’s actually PRETTY AWESOME.

-This post brought to you by DIANA

Jimmy Fallon hosted the 2010 Emmys, which actually ended on time for once. Fallon is either very well organized or a real slacker!

Last night were the Emmys, and as usual they were full of surprising moments, not so surprising moments, and painfully unfunny prepared banter between presenters. I don’t know which was more awkward, Matthew Perry and Lauren Graham’s jokes (which they apparently thought were brilliant) bombing, or John Krasinski having to call for his line while a visibly annoyed January Jones muttered “are you serious?” under her breath. Oh wait, I got it! It was definitely host Jimmy Fallon pretending that Tom Selleck was his long estranged father and continuing the joke (which Selleck was obviously not into) with a hug, which Selleck responded to with a long silent pause and then “Ok…”

But the show isn’t about TV stars filling time with crappy scripted “conversations,” it’s about awards! Mad Men continued it’s clean sweep of the Emmys, winning it’s third consecutive award for Best Drama, proving once again that Hollywood loves heavy drinking and unfair treatment of women. Which makes the Hollywood shunning of Mel Gibson all the more confusing! AMC continued it’s other clean category sweep, with Bryan Cranston winning his third Best Lead Drama Actor Emmy in a row for his role on Breaking Bad. Although a meth-brewing guy with cancer who deals with the seedy underbelly of the drug and gang world should not live past, say, 4 seasons, I have a feeling they are going to keep finding miraculous ways to let him stay kicking if Cranston keeps racking up the Emmys.

In the world of comedy the big winner was Modern Family, which took home the award for Best Comedy, Best Comedy Writing, and Best Supporting Actor. Modern Family even got their own extended segment on the show for no apparent reason. But it had George Clooney in it and was funny, so who cares. Jim Parsons won for Best Lead Comedy Actor for The Big Bang Theory, through which I learned that he seems even nerdier and more odd in real life than his character, and Edie Falco won for Best Lead Comedy Actress, through which I learned that Nurse Jackie is supposed to be a comedy. Who knew? Jane Lynch of course won for Best Supporting Actress on Glee, because she is awesome and deserves as many awards as there are.

The big losers of the night? First of all, the entire audience 3/4 of the way through the show. They make like 5 decent made for TV movies and mini-series a year and they all get nominated for every one of the seemingly endless categories they have for that portion of programming. Just give them all awards for turning out something better than the average Lifetime original movie (though Pregnancy Pact with Thora Birch looked particularly gripping…) and be done with it! That entire quarter of the show should be called “My DVR Graveyard.” A bunch of things I hear will be good and record, few I end up actually watching. Lost and 24 were also big losers last night, each hoping for some Emmy love for their final season and receiving none. The saddest loser of all, though, was Conan O’Brien. Seeing him win an award for his short time hosting The Tonight Show and accept it live on NBC would have been such sweet, sweet irony.

The best part of the Emmys in my book? Either Ricky Gervais giving another memorable award presentation complete with free beer for the front rows and inappropriate jokes about a winning producer’s name, or those car commercials featuring the cast of Community. Each one was proof of how robbed that show was with 0 nominations!