December 30th, 2011, 03:30 PM
It’s a sad day, dear readers, as we have lost another one of our grand Hollywood romances: Katy Perry and Russell Brand have split up. I find this to be utterly shocking! No, not that they’re getting a divorce, that was pretty much a matter of “when” not “if” since their overblown Indian wedding. I mean, I’m no relationship expert, and I believe opposites can attract, but did these two have anything at all in common? I’m going to assume Katy was a sucker for a British accent and tattoos, yet another way to rebel against her uptight midwest upbringing, and Russell was a sucker for…well the fact that Katy Perry wanted to be anywhere near him. Come on, it’s Katy Perry. No, what I find shocking is the fact that it was Russell Brand who filed for divorce! Has he looked in a mirror and then back at a picture of Katy Perry recently? Their wedding photo looks like she’s posing with a melting wax statue of an emaciated neanderthal at a low rent museum.
Now it might seem like I’m being mean to Mr. Brand (since I am insulting his looks for no good reason) but I actually like him quite a bit. The Arthur remake withstanding I think he’s a very funny guy. And as far as bubblegum pop goes I must admit Katy Perry’s songs are pretty darn catchy. So I like the both of them, I just can’t believe this divorce wasn’t filed for the night of the wedding. Seriously, what did these two have conversations about?!
Also, in unrelated celebrity divorce news, Mel Gibson will reportedly lose half his $850 million fortune once his divorce is finally settled. I hope his ex-wife really sticks it to him by using it to fund a new Jewish history museum or something…