The Russian Dolls–but not that kind of Russian Doll!

Oh, Lifetime. What are we going to do with you? Your programming is all over the place! Gone are the days when the casual viewer can depend on Lifetime to simply deliver syndicated sitcoms like Reba and How I Met Your Mother, and ridiculously dramatic made-for-TV movies like Mother, May I Sleep With Danger (starring Tori Spelling!). These days, Lifetime has gotten into the original programming game, like so many other, more successful, cable networks.

Now, as I am a woman, you’d think I would be stoked to have a network dedicated to things I theoretically love, right? I mean, Lifetime is the original–WeTV and Oxygen and OWN are the young upstarts! Lifetime has been around, it has been in the poo and come out the other side, right? WRONG. Lifetime is for a particular kind of woman, probably one who would not be out of place in a Nora Roberts or Mary Higgins Clark kind of world (two authors Lifetime adores, bee tee dubs). It’s all ABC Family meets A&E with a little USA thrown in for the quirky crowd. Lifetime seems to think women want to watch shows about exaggerated, dramatic, ridiculous women. Case in point? Drop Dead Diva. Army Wives. Hell, Project Runway! And the movies–the movies! Every woman is a woman scorned or a woman hurt by a man, or both. It’s enough to make you want to hide under the bed.

And speaking of the bed–have you seen the promos for one of Lifetime’s newest shows, Against the Wall? I’m all for women having healthy sex lives, but holy moly! Every promo goes like this: family disappointment at lead character; lead character has sex; family disappointment at lead character; lead character has sex; repeat repeat repeat. All this hussy seems to do is argue with her family, feel like a martyr, and have sex with random dudes. It’s off putting. Following Project Runway tonight at 10:30pm is Lifetime’s newest show, a takeoff on Jersey Shore called Russian Dolls. Set in Brighton Beach, the show follows some Russian people as they do whatever they do–be crazy Russians, I guess. Unlike Jersey Shore, however, these people are being followed at home: they all actually live in Brighton Beach, a historically Russian-American community! And to make things even better, Russian Dolls is a term often associated with the prostitution trade. Epic work, Lifetime.

There are some great things coming up, too, like The Client List, based on the made-for-TV movie about a housewife-turned-secret prostitute that somehow got Jennifer Love Hewitt nominated for a Golden Globe–don’t worry, she’s starring in the television show, too! Also in the pipeline is America’s Supernanny. I think the title explains it all.

Ladies, if you’re into wildly unrealistic television shows about wildly unrealistic women, if you like watching other people’s bratty kids shape up (only after acting out for 45 minutes out of an hour), or women turn to high class prostitution after being scorned or scorning someone else, Lifetime is the channel for you. If you love Russians, shows about thin dead women reincarnated as curvy women, or movies about eternally terrified women who find love and comfort only in the arms of a man, you have found your place. The rest of us, we’ll keep looking.

Spoiler alert: Snooki hooks up with The Situation in Italy!

And I was wrong! MTV has finally released a full preview of Jersey Shore Does Italy, or whatever they’re calling it these days. Something hipper (or punnier) than that, probably! Snooki Goes Native? The Real Italian Situation? Those are even worse. I apologize! But seriously, folks. Jersey Shore. It’s a cultural phenomenon, and even while those juicy gorillas were overseas, they were front page news. So much douchebag stuff happens, how can it not be news? Poor Italy, for having to put up with this. Poor us, for being subjected to it. Poor Jersey Shore stars, for being so deluded!

I have no more words for this mess. Take a look:

Is it curtains for Sam Evans?

There’s been a lot of hoopla the past couple days about Chord Overstreet’s (Sam Evans) alleged departure from Glee. Have you been under a rock? Yes? Let me catch you up a little: last Friday, Chord tweeted (as @chordoverstreet), “well its [sic] been a good yr [sic] too bad its [sic] over, time for summer and starting fresh.” And, as you do when a beloved actor on a dramatically polarizing show makes a mysterious and dramatic statement, the internet went wild. Wild speculation everywhere! And to add to the wild speculation, word came out that Darren Criss (Blaine Anderson) and Harry Shum Jr. (Mike Chang) were promoted to series regulars, but not Chord Overstreet who had the most realistic and interesting storyline in season 2. What the what?!?! Right? Mercedes FINALLY GETS A MAN, and Ryan Murphy dumps him (does this mean the winner of The Glee Project will actually be a potential partner for Ms. Jones?)!

That was earlier this week. Today, Glee producers (aka, Ryan Murphy) shed a bit of light and clarity on the whole situation:Chord wasn’t fired, he just wasn’t promoted to a regular, so he’s still a recurring character (not as cool, not as much job security, etc.). Sounds like Chord’s just not into it–and who can blame him? Even without guest stars next season, there’s about a million and a half main cast members, and they’re all at Ryan “Gunther from Friends” Murphy’s whim. I hope it’s not the end of Trouty Mouth! Stay tuned to find out the final word.

And speaking of The Situation, word on the Jersey Shore street is that he’s quit Jersey Shore. Just like Vinny, right?

I know–there are plenty of things going on in the world. How will Fox deal with Emily Deschanel’s pregnancy conflicting with shooting for Bones? Will the Glee kids ever get to New York–and will Mercedes ever get a freakin’ storyline? Has ABC definitely canceled The Event? I too ponder these things, you guys! But Tuesdays are when it seems the most Jersey Shore news comes out, for whatever reason, and I feel it’s my duty to impart these pearls of wisdom to the masses!

We could, of course, discuss Khloe & Lamar, but I can’t figure out the viewing schedule (damn you, E!). By the way: the Los Angeles Lakers are out of the playoffs and rabid fans are blaming the show’s shooting schedule for Lamar’s poor performance! OH SNAP.

Anyway! Jersey Shore 4: Italian Stallion Style was supposed to start shooting this week, but has been delayed! WHY?! Alas, no nefarious reasons needed: seems the President of Italy (one Giorgio Napolitano) (not the Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, often in the news these days for a salacious sex scandal) is visiting Florence this Thursday, and filming would be a logistical nightmare. Italians are still pretty resistant to the GTL-ers, with one Florence university taking measures to protect students from the Jersey Shore shenanigans. The show will film in a building the Istituto Lorenzo de’ Medici uses for student housing, and officials want students to feel safe and not exploited when Snooki and company are around. MTV has yet to reveal the location of the Jersey Shore (should it be Florence Shore, or Arno Shore, after the river?) house, so there’s no telling where the cast will land. It might not even be a house! Maybe it’s dorms. That would be awesome. Word should be out soon, once they all get to Florence. Not sure whatever happened with Ronnie, but I guess his visa came through? We’ll find out!

You know how Pauly D, JWoww and Snooki have spin off deals with MTV? Turns out Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino just landed one, too! No word on what it’ll be about–the man nicknamed himself after the nickname he gave his stomach, after all.

This is what a Geordie looks like

Remember a while back when MTV announced they were developing a UK version of Jersey Shore? Well, it happened! Geordie [pronounced Jordy] Shore premieres on May 24th. Sorry, UK, you’ve officially been Snookified. Your downfall as a nation is imminent. The cast of Toons (as people from Newcastle are known) is basically the same as Jersey Shore: Original Flavor. Four dudes, four birds, eight unfortunate tans, eight hundred bottles of gel and beer. And, just like the originals, most of them live at home with their parents. Loves it!

There’s Jay, flashing some nip and clearly trying to be The Situation of the house (though 10 years younger, at 25). He’s even unemployed! Though, to be fair, he does have a university education! Jay is terrified of getting wrinkles and plans on starting Botox when his looks start to go. Perhaps someone should fill him in on the dangers of premature sun damage, no?

Eighteen year old Holly tricked her mum into paying for breast implants and is incredibly proud of her FF assets. Her party trick? Taking a shot from between her boobs. But hey–she has a job! She works at a call center and regularly exceeds her monthly quota. Is it a video call center, Holly?

James, 20, works ten hours a week and moonlights as a topless male host. Newcastle, you are one saucy city!

Snookalike Sophie can talk the back legs off a donkey! Seriously. She’s 21 years old, works at a call center (with Holly, perhaps), and is not above lap dancing for extra cash. And, just like Snooki, she’s the token minority of the house (Iranian).

VIP Vicky, 23, is missing a chunk of hair, from where another girl pulled out a handful of extensions during a fight. She too works at a call center. Aaaaaand scene!

Charlotte-Leticia is my favorite so far. She dresses like a schoolgirl (even at 20 years old!) and says, ‘girls call me a slut, ex-boyfriends call me a psycho and my Mum calls me an idiot.’ How is that not amazing?! Self-awareness! Refreshing!

The final two guys, Greg (the grandpa of the house at 26) and Gary (who goes by Gaz and is the 23 year old Geordie version of Vinny) seem pretty boring, comparatively. Greg has an actual career and a nice car, and Gary may or may not have had sexual relations with at least 64 girls. So basically, your typical guys in their twenties!

Now, you’re all just DYING to see what these people are actually like, amirite? I know you are, because I was too. Show me the money, right?! YES! Excellent, here you go:

Another Teen Mom fairytale goes down the tubes

April is a strange time for television these days. Some series are premiering, some are returning after hiatus, and some are ending. Due to the sheer proliferation of channels, viewers have choices, even over the summer, that were unthinkable not too long ago. A summer season?! Shut yo’ mouth, that’s crazy talk! Right?

Tonight sees the return of Glee. With Charice. And Gwyneth Paltrow. You can all watch while I crack open Veronica Mars for a return to the good old days.

Also tonight? 16 and Pregnant Season 3 (not 2C) on MTV. Yes, there are still sixteen to eighteen year old girls (who should know better) getting knocked up by morons, assholes, and idiots (who should really know better). Are you surprised? Probably not. Especially if it occurs to you some of these kids think of this shizz as their big break into reality television stardom. On tonight’s introduction to passive aggressive parenting, we meet Jordan Ward, 17, from St. Louis, Missouri. Jordan has a twin sister, Jessica, who is not pregnant (guess she’s the good twin). To add insult to injury, Jordan decides her baby daddy–Brian–should live with her family. Her sister is not amused.

Meanwhile, Teen Mom 2 mother of twins Leah Messer (who is now 18) has filed for divorce from baby daddy and husband Corey Simms. They’ve been married for all of six months.

Jersey Shore is indeed taking the GTL to Italy next season (filming starts in a few weeks), and will be based in Florence for most of the trip. The mayor of Florence, Mateo Renzi, laid down strict guidelines for MTV to follow, including:

* The cast will not be filmed in bars and clubs that serve alcohol (so the cast will get drunk at home–awesome)

* The cast will not be filmed drinking in public (so the cast will drink and fight at home–awesome)

* The show will not be filmed to promote Florence as a drinking town (because Italians only drink at home)

* The show should be filmed in a manner to promote Italy (not Americans visiting Italy) and feature its culture and good food (so it’s basically a travel show at this point. Where is Anthony Bourdain when you need him?)

What’s Jersey Shore without public intoxication, bars, clubs, and ugly American behavior? Nothing worth watching, that’s for sure!

Dissed AND dismissed!

Bad news, Jersey Shore fans! The Italy season (also known as next season) has been delayed for two reasons, one better than the other. Firstly, the majority of cast members have yet to sign new contracts (and by sign, of course, I mean “mark an X on the line). Yes, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, and Jenni “JWoww” Farley are eschewing the show that made them famous (and infamous, and punchlines) because they want more money. It’s the age old story of David (that’s them) versus Goliath (MTV, of course). Can’t keep the little guy down! Power to the people!

Face it, you tan juiceheaded monkeys: without Jersey Shore, you’re nothing and nobody. Ride that gravy train as long as it’s running! In fact, it’s in your best interest to keep it running as long as possible. Choo choo, gorillas!

There’s no Jersey Shore without The Situation, Snooki, and JWoww, sure. But there’s no Jersey Shore: Straight Outta the Motherland without ITALY, ya’ll. And right now, the Italians are not so on board with the shenanigans of the monkey bunch. Residents of Tuscany, where filming is to take place, are staunchly against allowing MTV crews and stars into their hotels, clubs, restaurants, and lives. Production was scheduled to begin April 18th, and has currently been pushed back to May.

My idea? Take ‘em to Hollywood, plop ‘em on an Italy-esque soundstage, staff it with swarthy Italian-looking extras who can improv Italian, and tell the kids they’re in Italy. They won’t know the difference! Ciao bella!

New Jersey, Miami, Italy, the world!

I woke up this morning primed to discuss the Academy Award nominations, certain they’d be a gold mine of controversy (like always) and validation (like sometimes) and interesting enough, what with all the pretty good movies of the past year.  Then I checked the headlines on Jezebel, and realized there’s something far more important happening than the Oscars: Jersey Shore will be filming next season in Italy!  Yes–Italy the actual country!  Apologies to Italy, but one or two of them are actually of Italian descent, so they’re all yours for a month or two, even if Italy isn’t exactly big on guidos, gyms, tanning, laundry, public displays of drunkenness, and hot tubs.  TMZ reports, and MTV has confirmed, that producers are currently scouting locations, and a couple of Vinny’s Italian-in-Italy relatives have agreed to host the kids for an “authentic Guadagnino dinner,” whatever that means.  Lots of sausages, peppers, pickles, and pasta, I guess. Visas are being secured as we speak!

No word on how this might affect filming on JWoww’s and Snooki’s new reality show, featuring them being themselves.  Filming on the pilot that surely award winning bit of reality television begins this weekend on Long Island. Watch out for Dina Lohan! She loves photobombing! Sidenote: pilot?  Really, MTV?  Are you afraid some of your viewers might not know who Snooki and JWoww are?  Really?!

MTV has also decided to export Jersey Shore’s formula to the UK, where instead of Jersey Shore,, it’ll be Geordie Shore, and instead of actually the ocean shore, it’ll take place in northern England, in Newcastle (like the beer). Which does have a river, so there might be a shore! According to The Guardian, “MTV said it chose to base the series in the north-east because its residents know how to have a good time come rain or shine.”  Just like those in New Jersey, it seems.  Gold sisters all around!  Geordies, for those not in the know, are people from around Newcastle who speak a rather strange English dialect and (of course, stereotypically) love to drink and party.  Watch out for Geordie Shore on MTV UK in the late spring or early summer.  And send me a copy!

On a final note, no–that wasn’t an earthquake Saturday night.  It was Snooki and Kim Kardashian schmoozing it up at the Nets-Mavericks game in New York City.  This goes to show that Snooki is one of the shortest people in the universe, if Kim is towering over her and both are in heels!  Does this mean Snooki makes a cameo on Kourtney & Kim Take New York?  Or does Kim cameo on Snooki and JWoww’s show?  Wait and see, America.  Wait and see.

I’ll eat my hat if this wasn’t posed

The Simon Cowell-less American Idol made its long anticipated debut last night on FOX. Did anyone ever think Randy Jackson would be the lone remainder of the Simon Cowell-Paula Abdul-Randy Jackson triumvirate of power? I mean, Paula wasn’t really doing anything umpteen number of years ago when she was invited (or auditioned?) to be a judge on AI, but she was a popular singer at one time and provided the, ah, nurturing aspect of judging. Simon, of course, was a producer, and obviously inclined to be bossy and opinionated. But Randy? Just some producer dude. And now he prevails, while Paula and Simon are off judging new shows—and while we’re on the subject, Simon’s is also on FOX, and basically an updated version of American Idol (entitled The X Factor, and again based on a British show). I’m getting somewhere with this, I swear! ‘Cuz these new judges… J. Lo, her voice isn’t anything to write home about; it’s thin and pretty limited (ain’t no Christina Aguilera, am I right?). Whatever talent Steven Tyler had has been swallowed by years of drug and alcohol abuse; the man survives on pure charisma (and probably drugs and alcohol). Randy Jackson is a music producer, not an agent or manager. So I guess J. Lo plus Randy (minus Steven Tyler—he’s there for the craft services table) equals some knowledge of the music business. Because, at the end of the day, producers are looking for someone exactly like Jennifer Lopez. Her (or his) singing voice doesn’t have to be bangin’, she (or he) just has to give the impression (with her (his) looks, charisma, etc.) that it is.

Moving on. It was, of course, the very first set of AUDITIONS!!!!?!?!?!11, and they started in New Jersey.  Sadly, none of your favorite Jersey Shore stars bothered to make an appearance.  Perhaps they are not allowed to appear on rival music networks (hey, if MTV is still considered Music Television, FOX has to be up there, too).  It was immediately apparent that both J. Lo and Steven Tyler are the new Paula (J. Lo is too nice Paula, Steven Tyler is cray cray Paula), Randy is the new Randy, and no one is Simon.  Who’s gonna tell it like it is?!  Let me break it down for you: lots of chicks who think they can sing, the judges agree, and they go to Hollywood.  Not so many dudes, but some go to Hollywood.  Plenty of sob stories and pulling-myself-up-by-my-very-own-bootstraps stories and inspirational survivors blah blah blah.  And then the judges high fived, sat back, and smoked ‘em if they had ‘em (or asked Steven for them).

So far, American Idol, your lack of Simon is showing.  Someone needs to grow a pair, and fast.  Somebody, anybody, tell it like it is!  Or at least like you think it is, if those thoughts are negative and derogatory.  Think of how much you’ll save in Autotuning fees, if you just find people who can actually sing in tune!  Damn, Simon.  Single tear.

Agree?  Disagree?  Tell me why (in 140 characters or less, then you can tweet it later!) in the comments!

The auditions for the new Vatican TV show were more competitive than American Idol. But no need for voting with Papal Infallibility.

With reality stars like The Kardashians of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and Snooki of Jersey Shore building their own cult-like following, it make sense that religious figures would start getting jealous. And although some men of the cloth lash out at our modern deification of individuals just because a camera is pointed their way, some have another way of coping: join in!

Pastor Ted Haggard was the head of his own mega-church in Colorado, as well as leader of the National Association of Evangelicals (which has a measly 30 million members), but it all came to an embarrassing end after a scandal involving crystal-meth and a male prostitute. Pastor Ted stepped down immediately to work on his recovery and rebuilding his family, but he must have recently come to an important revelation during his quest for self-discovery: “working on yourself” don’t pay like a mega-church. So Ted is back in the spotlight with a 1 hour TLC special: Ted Haggard: Scandalous. The special (let’s be honest and call it the “test first episode of a new series” that it really is) will cover how Ted has dealt with his shameful downfall and the work he has been doing on a brand new church. I don’t know about you, but I think a special on the male-prostitute would probably be more interesting.

As for the other set of religious reality stars, how about the biggest hitters of them all?! No, not Tom Cruise and John Travolta, though a reality show about Scientology would be insane. We’re talking about the Vatican! Yep, the only religious group that has THEIR OWN CITY is teaming up with the Discovery Channel for the most awesome sounding show involving the Catholic church ever: The Exorcist Files. The show will focus on the hauntings and demonic possessions that the Catholic Church is asked to investigate and will feature religious experts and top Vatican officials. Although I’m sure most episodes won’t feature anything as exciting as a little green-skinned demon girl spinning her head around a projectile vomiting, it could still be a fun guilty pleasure show for when MonsterQuest isn’t on. Here’s hoping for a guest appearance by the Pope during sweeps week!