I prepared a whole diatribe on Kim Kardashian’s Royal Wedding-esque wedding cake (3 weeks, people, until she’s Kim Kardashian Humphries!), but all that flew out the window when I saw this picture:

That, ladies and germs, is Hugh Hefner, planking on his dining room table. No, he is not dead. Yes, he is doing it wrong. Nevertheless–planking. I think, if the whole owling trend didn’t already signal the end, that planking has officially jumped the shark. He does look dead, though, doesn’t he? Kind of like he’s sleeping. Playboy is probably planning for Hugh’s demise–the man is over 80 years old, after all, so maybe it shouldn’t be surprising he’s stretched out on the table like he’s being measured for a coffin.

Smize! Smize! The official America’s Next Top Model: All Stars cast list was released today, and it’s exactly what the spoilers said it would be: Shannon Stewart (Cycle 1), Camille McDonald (Cycle 2), Brittany Brower (Cycle 4), Lisa D’Amato (Cycle 5), Bre Scullark (Cycle 5), Bianca Golden (Cycle 9), Dominique Reighard (Cycle 10), Isis King (Cycle 11), Sheena Sakai (Cycle 11), Allison Harvard (Cycle 12), Laura Kirkpatrick (Cycle 13), Angelea Preston (Cycle 14), Kayla Ferrel (Cycle 15) and Alexandria Everett (Cycle 16). Guest judges were also announced, and will include Tyson Beckford, Nicki Minaj, Kathy Griffin, Kristin Cavallari and LaToya Jackson. Dang, Tyra–that’s a lot of strange eggs for one basket!

Set your TiVo, your DVR, your whatever: Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event will air in 2 two hour (!!) installments–four hours of bridezilla Kim and her crazy hijinks–on October 9th at 8pm and October 10th at 9pm. I predict shenanigans will ensure. And that Kris and Kim will be annulled or divorced before the special airs. Unless one of them leaves the other at the altar, a la Crystal Harris and Hugh Hefner! Thursday gossip comes full circle!

The happy (and by “happy” I mean “really creepy and gross”) couple are no more

TV is a world full of some nutty people who do some pretty nutty things. What did some of them get up to this week? Well keep reading!

- If you haven’t heard, the millions upon millions of people who tuned into Oprah’s farewell show haven’t found the remote yet to change the channel to OWN, Oprah’s new TV network. It’s tanking so far, with pretty miserable ratings that come nowhere close to what her show would pull in on network TV. So Oprah’s solution? Promise that she will get the most insane interview of all time. Oprah will be starting a new chat show on the channel (making her huge finale kind of pointless and empty) and has stated that her dream interview to boost the ratings of her channel would be O.J. Simpson confessing to murder. Of course O.J. is in jail for at least 6 more years, and she would be asking him to ADMIT TO KILLING TWO PEOPLE, but besides that it sounds like an awesome plan Oprah.

- Crystal Harris, the Playboy playmate who was engaged to Hugh Hefner, has left him and canceled the wedding at the last minute. Sure, getting out of a weirdo marriage with the perverted Cryptkeeper doesn’t sound so crazy, but listen to this: Crystal was supposedly planning on leaving Hef at the altar for the sake of the reality TV special and was already trying to negotiate a $500,000 interview about why she did it. When every magazine and TV show laughed in her face she apparently decided to just bolt. I’m sure Hef is wiping away his tears with other naked women.

- Michelle Obama filmed a special appearance on an episode of iCarly this week. Really? You know people who watch that show don’t vote, right Michelle Obama? The only people that watch Nickelodeon shows like that are kids, stoners and prisoners, I’m sure of it.

- Teen Mom star Amber Portwood supposedly tried to commit suicide this week, but the details are pretty sketchy about whether she actually did anything or just threatened to. Apparently when she told her boyfriend/punching bag Gary Shirley he said “Go ahead,” so it’s nice to see their relationship is as healthy as ever. About her (possible?) suicide, eh said:  “It was the best feeling. I love the way it made me feel. It was euphoric. It was wonderful.” Wow, someone get this girl a real shrink who isn’t Dr. Drew. That quack has no place around real mental problems.

- On The Today Show, Matt Lauer rode Jim Carrey like a horse for no apparent reason. I have nothing to add to that, just watch the bizarre video below to see for yourself:

Chace Crawford is a classy piece

That’s just one of the delicious bits of info floating around the internet! Top interesting stories today include:

Chace Crawford has submitted himself for an Emmy as Lead Actor in a Drama, for his work on Gossip Girl. Don’t worry, Chace–your inevitable failure won’t keep me from seeing you star with Katie Holmes (aka Kate Cruise) in upcoming romantic comedy Responsible Adults. Oh, wait–yes, yes it will.

Natalie Portman is celebrating her new baby boy! It’s her first child with fiance (and Black Swan choreographer) Benjamin Millepied.

Crystal Harris has called off her Saturday wedding with Hugh Hefner, and all sorts of speculative shenanigans are to blame! Apparently the 60 year age difference doesn’t even matter?

Last, but not least, and possibly not even least celebrity-related (ahem, Crystal Harris, who are you, other than the woman breaking poor Hugh’s withered old heart?): original 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom cast member Amber Portwood has been hospitalized after an apparent suicide attempt. According to Amber’s brother, baby daddy Gary Shirley is the reason behind all of Amber’s problems, and is to blame for her attempt. We talk a lotta smack about those two (because, seriously, get it together!), but really: they need to get off of television and into counseling. Stabilize your lives!

ABC: Constantly redefining the meaning of “stars”

There’s no easy way to say this, but–and I know I said it last season–Dancing With The Stars producers are really scraping the barrel and stretching the definition of ’stars’ with this latest batch of celebrity has-beens and never-weres. This is the twelfth season of the show, so it’s not exactly surprising the celebrity bar keeps getting lowered, but this is the first time I’m having so many ‘who the heck are you?!’ moments. Here’s what I know about these people based entirely on what’s in my brain, rather than what might be available on the internet. Hold your hats and hide your cats, the list of has-beens includes:

* Kirstie Alley, who used to be funny (Look Who’s Talking, even Veronica’s Closet, anyone?) but has slowly devolved into a sad sack of her former funny self. All the self-pitying jokes in the world won’t make this Scientologist a star.

* Ralph Macchio is the one and only Karate Kid. Kind of like how Mark Hamill is, and will only ever be, Luke Skywalker.

* Romeo, son of Master P, formerly known as Lil’ Romeo. At one time, he rapped.

* Petra Nemcova (on the brink–on the brink of never-was), a swimsuit model who survived the massive Indian Ocean tsunami in 2004 by clinging to a tree; her photographer boyfriend was swept away. Briefly (or maybe still?) dated tiny singer James Blunt.

And the never-weres (never were stars, darlings, never were STARS):

* Mike Catherwood, I confess, I had to google. Turns out he’s a Loveline host. Really–that’s still on the air?

* Chelsea Kane, I also had to google. She’s another Disney star, following in Kyle Massey’s footsteps.

* Chris Jericho (do not fight me on this one, WWE fans), a WWE Superstar who’s sort of made the leap into a television career. Very funny on VH1 shows like Best Week Ever and I Love the ’90s.

* Sugar Ray Leonard (fabulous athlete, yes; star, no) is a retired pro boxer. He should be pretty light on his feet, yeah?

* Hines Ward is a football player. Right?

* Kendra Wilkinson is an original The Girls Next Door Hugh Hefner girlfriend. Currently married to Hank Baskett, and mother to Hank Jr. Has an…interesting…laugh, but isn’t afraid to make a damn fool of herself.

* Wendy Williams used to be a radio star, I think? And has an eponymous talk show often mocked on The Soup.

Pretty tepid list, eh? No obvious ringers this year, either (ahem, Brandy, Nicole Scherzinger, Jennifer Grey). If I end up watching (which is doubtful, because…come on), I’d want Wendy Williams to take home the mirrorball trophy, if only because it would give Joel McHale fodder for years!

Oh boy!  The big day is almost here!  The Simpsons’s Marge Simpson’s much talked-about Playboy cover will be out on newsstands tomorrow!

Pink is the New Blog posted a good chunk of Marge’s exclusive interview with the world-famous smutrag today.  Rather than doing any work of my own, I’ll repost Trent’s excerpts (Thanks, Trent!):

On her family’s reactions to her Playboy pictorial: “Homer said he was intrigued because he had never heard of [Playboy]. The notion of women posing in the buff was completely foreign to him. Wasn’t it sweet of him to lie? When Lisa heard about this, she said it was empowering to see a woman in control of her own body. Wasn’t it sweet of her to lie? Bart will never learn about this under any circumstance.”

On the time that she knew Homer was the one: “Well, when the doctor said I was pregnant, I heard a voice saying ‘That’s the man you’re going to marry.’ The voice was my mother’s.”

On her secret to a successful relationship: “Homer and I have one rule that has worked incredibly well: Never go to bed hungry.”

On the advice she gives Lisa regarding men: “I always tell my Lisa she should marry the man who loves her. It doesn’t matter if he’s losing his hair or is overweight or is at a bar every night…or if he forgets your birthday and anniversary…All that matters is that nothing means anything to him but you.”

On the advice she gives Bart regarding women: “I say, ‘You won’t meet any girls in prison, which is where you seem to be headed.’”

On what she prides herself on doing around the house: “Searching for [Playboys] and throwing them away…they’re usually in the bedroom.”

Heh.  The tone of the article is very Simpsons-y, which makes me think this whole thing isn’t such a bad idea.  Just looking out for my girl Marge, you know?

Will you be picking up a copy tomorrow?

It’s happening!  As speculated last month, The Simpsons’s Marge Simpson will indeed be gracing the pages of Playboy magazine.  TMZ has an exclusive preview of the cover:

Zoinks!  I’m still not comfortable with this, you guys. There are plenty of other cartoon babes who’d make more appropriate Playboy bunnies.  Daphne from Scooby Doo, April O’Neil from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Smurfette… all attractive ladies, all not mothers.

Just sayin’.

[Source: The Blemish]

Oh SNAP!  I don’t like the looks of this!  From Hugh Hefner’s Twitter:

The Simpsons‘ matriarch Marge in Playboy?  I certainly hope she isn’t planning on disrobing!  Marge Simpson sans green tube dress would be a shock to the system, let me tell ya.

And what would Bart and Lisa think?  Surely, Maggie would exude a disapproving pacifier-suck.  I suppose Homer wouldn’t really mind.

You aren’t as young as you used to be, Marge.  Who are you kidding, woman?

[Source: Jezebel]