As you all know, the First Couple of Scientology, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, have called it splitsville. It came out of nowhere and Cruise’s people attempted to sweep it under the rug just as quickly, finalizing a divorce in under two weeks, what just might be a Hollywood divorce record. Ever since the divorce was announced the media has been speculating and the internet swirling with rumors about just what happened to spoil their highly secretive marriage. From a “5 year contract” to the old “Suri was grown in a Scientologist lab,” no rumor has been too outlandish and unbelievable. So hey, why not make up some of our own? These are just as likely to be true as most of the theories out there.

-Katie Holmes was brainwashed into forgetting her former life, but Tom accidentally let her watch an episode of You Can’t Trust the B— in Apartment 23, where James Van Der Beek plays himself, and a flood of Dawson’s Creek related memories flashed through her mind, reminding her of who she truly is.

-Tom Cruise became so method about his role in the musical Rock of Ages that he acted like an 80s rock legend for months on end and insisted on singing their every day activities. This would drive anyone crazy.

-Katie saw all the reports about John Travolta’s massage parlor scandal and realized Tom frequented all of the same spas.

-That Oprah incident wasn’t a one time thing. Tom is jumping on couches constantly. It’s not safe for a young child like Suri to be around.

-Remember what Tom Cruise looked like in Tropic Thunder? That wasn’t make-up, that’s his regular appearance. The thin, handsome Tom Cruise we know is a result of 9 hours of make-up and prosthetic every day. Can you blame Katie?

-The new Batman movie has opened up old wounds, and Katie Holmes is now on a one-woman revenge mission against Maggie Gyllenhaal for stealing the role Katie played in Batman Begins and playing it in the way more beloved The Dark Knight.

-The “33 curse” (based on the fact that all 3 of Cruise’s wives have left him at the age of 33) is true. In fact they were all exactly 33 1/3 years old on the day of divorce. This is because Tom Cruise loves vinyl records so much.

-Although they had a whirlwind romance and a happy few years together, eventually Tom and Katie grew apart and realized it would make them happier to be apart and continue their lives. Haha unbelievable! Who would buy that?!

You will not BELIEVE what Michael Cera is up to just this second!

Rumor has it that the Arrested Development star has DUMPED girlfriend of three years, Charlyne Yi!  Seems as though Cera’s been getting all sorts of attention from the ladies since his career started taking off, and he wants to be single and ready to mingle.

Sucks to be Charlyne, cuz the pair is about to go on a loooong promotional tour for their new movie Paper Heart.  Oh, and btw, the movie’s about Michael Cera teaching her how to love.  BUMMER!

Aw.  I really feel for the girl.  Breaking up is hard to do and whatnot yada yada Michael Cera, if you’re reading this, CALL ME!

WOW!  I finally caught up on Daisy of Love this weekend, and I maintain that it’s the best VH1 dating show EVER.

If you caught the season finale, you saw that my original pick London won, with my second pick (you know, while London was M.I.A.) Flex coming in as runner-up and 12 Pack / Dave third.

Now I am DYING for a reunion special, but in the meantime, I’ve gotten my ridic-fix at the VH1 blog, where they’ve been posting interviews with  12 Pack / Dave and Flex, and video interviews with London.  Some excerpts:

12 Pack / Dave

“I would have liked to go the full distance to the finale, rather than just being left in the middle of the parking lot after being in Hawaii for a matter of hours. I didn’t even get to spend 24 hours there. We basically had one dinner date to plead out cases as to why we should stay. I really just got screwed. The weirdest part is the first time I saw Daisy, after all was said and done and everything was wrapped up, sure enough, we picked up right where we left off. She was like, “How have you been? You going to come back to my hotel and hang out?” And I was kind of like, “You had your chance. I mean we can be friends, but this isn’t Daisy of Love anymore. I don’t have to sit here and listen to everything you say anymore.””

Read the interview in full here.

Flex

“I liked Big Rig and 12 Pack. Fox, too. Cage was a good dude. He burned me, but I still like him. We were just both drunk, whatever. I hated everybody else. I hated Chi Chi to death. I wanted to stab him in the face… I thought he was just putting on a front because he was on the show, like, “I’m a big teddy bear sweetheart stalker,” but then I hung out with him after the show and I realized that he’s always like that. We went to McDonalds and he’s like, “Can I pretty please get a double cheeseburger please?” And I was like, “Dude, you just said ‘please’ twice, and one of those times you said, ‘pretty please,’ to the people at McDonalds.”

Read the interview in full here.

London

On his relationship with Daisy:

Check out the rest of the video interviews here.

Not bad, eh?  You really should read/watch the interviews in full - especially Flex’s.

Ah, well that’s it for Daisy of Love, I suppose.  I gotta say, I don’t have much hope for Daisy and London as a couple, mostly on account of he doesn’t seem like much of a commitment dude.  However, every cloud has its silver lining: make way for Daisy of Love 2!

Oh please oh please oh please…

Daisy of Love returned Sunday after a two-week hiatus (the longest two weeks of my life!) with a killer episode.  Things are getting close, with four guys left and only two to be taken to the finale.

The show starts predictably enough, with Daisy and London whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears.  Sinister decides to swoop in by climbing a fence and giving Daisy a flower, losing a ring in the process.  In return, Daisy barely notices him, but takes the flower and starts using it as a prop to flirt with London before making out with him. Sinister gets crazy pissed and starts smashing things around the house, all culminating in a ruined camera lens and a broken guitar at the bottom of the pool.  Eek!

The next morning, Daisy’s got a surprise for the fellas.  Enter the classic dating show return-of-the-exes scenario, in which each contestants’ ex-girlfriend returns to tell Daisy about her former flame.  Daisy sits down to lunch with the girls before the boys can get to ‘em.  Here’s what each gal had to say about each guy:

12 Pack / Dave’s ex-girlfriend Cathy: Snoozer!  Nothing but nice!  She’s known him since middle school and had only good things to say.

Flex’s ex-girlfriend Kia: They dated two years ago, but tried to reconnect about four months ago, at which point Flex ignored her calls. He broke her heart!

London’s friend Natasha: Here’s a shocker - London was dating a girl back home recently… and he’s a sex addict.

Sinister’s ex-girlfriend Ashley: They ended on good terms, but they did get in one altercation along the way, which involved him smacking her across the face.  Eek squared!

Next, Daisy decides to take each girl and her corresponding gent in to meet with a psychic.

The analysis, from a lovely psychic named Laurie:

12 Pack / Dave: He was a hero in a past life.  He’s a good guy, and they have a good connection - and if anyone is to hurt someone in the relationship, it’d be Daisy.  Good karma all around.

Flex: There’s still a pretty strong bond between him and his ex.  That’s about it.

London: The chemistry is super strong.  London is a man who loves women and appreciates that they exist.  However, if he were to commit to being with Daisy, he would not cheat on her. “London is a homeless sex addict who my psychic thinks is perfect for me. Go figure!” says Daisy.

Sinister: Of all the guys, the connection with him is the weakest.  He’s also a bad boy (he wishes!), but he wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose.

The psychic then ranks the dudes in the order of most compatible to least: 12 Pack / Dave, London, Flex, Sinister. Daisy is more confused than ever!

After all the tarot cards are put away, the gang + exes go outside to party it up.  Flex’s girl Kia lets him know that London’s friend mentioned that London was seeing someone.  Flex is floored and tells 12 Pack / Dave, who responds similarly.

Flex then calls London out in front of everybody and starts a huge yelling match, calling London the f word (the other one!) and such.  The fight nearly turns physical, when a drunken Kia takes a spill on top of the picnic table, knocking everything over and diverting everyone’s attention.  Close call!

Regardless, they decide its time for the ex-gfs to go home.  On their way out, Daisy pulls Kia aside and asks her if she would get back with Flex were he to be sent home.  Kia tells her no, because she sees the way Flex looks at Daisy, and its the same way he used to look at her.  Swoon!  Daisy takes this to heart and goes back to be with the boys.

Now that we’re calm, Daisy asks each guy who they would bring to the finale, if they had to pick one.  Each guy takes their turn and picks 12 Pack / Dave, which is somewhat confusing to me, but I’ll go with it, cuz that guy’s starting to crack me up.  Daisy decides then, on the spot, that 12 Pack / Dave will be going to the finale, case closed. 12 Pack / Dave is totally stunned.

Next day: elimination time!  The boys are all up on the chopping block, with the exception of 12 Pack / Dave who’s in for sure.  Daisy starts with London, telling him she has as much chemistry with him as she has doubts.  Regardless, she wants to take a chance and let him stay.  You’re going to Maui for the finale, London!

Next up is Sinister.  She has him approach the stand and sends him home.  She doesn’t have strong feelings for him and was only keeping him in the house to not hurt his feelings.  And besides, who wants to see that guy in a bathing suit?

As Sinister leaves the room sniffling (”If she doesn’t want me, maybe someone else will”), Daisy turns to Flex.  In a pretty predictable twist, Daisy decides to keep him, too, because of the way his ex-gf says he looks at her.  Flex is stunned!  But stoked!

So to re-cap, Flex, 12 Pack / Dave, and London are going to Maui with Daisy!  Wahoooo!  I couldn’t have planned it better myself.

Man oh man, Daisy of Love just keeps getting better and better.  Last night’s episode had me convinced that DoL is the best reality series of all time.  Admit it, you agree.  Well done, VH1.

The episode started innocently enough.  Daisy’s diary announced that Flex and Chi Chi would be going on a date that day.  They hit the road and drive somewhere in the middle of the desert, where they’ll be off-roading for the day.  Each dude takes his turn taking Daisy for a spin.  Flex drives fast and crazy, which Daisy says turns her on (grody!).  Chi Chi predictably drives at a conservative pace, so as not to scare Daisy.  Snooze cruise - LITERALLY!

Then it’s Daisy’s turn to drive, and she ends up flipping the dune buggy!  This is why we love her, am I right?

Now back at home, it’s 12 Pack / Dave and Sinister’s turn to hang with Daisy.  She sits them down at dinner, where Sinister tries his hardest to act confident to woo Daisy.  12 Pack / Dave, on the other hand, makes some weird references to heartbreaker London, the hottie contestant who had bounced on Daisy weeks prior cuz of shizz getting too real.  Daisy is visibly weirded out - but this doesn’t stop her from asking 12 Pack / Dave to join her up in her room for a nightcap.

Predictably, Sinister goes apeshizz over not being picked to make out and starts knocking over bunk beds and stuff.  Lame!

Up at the door of Daisy’s room, Daisy and 12 Pack / Dave have to step across Chi Chi to get inside her room.  He’s waiting to get some more time with her.  Daisy politely tells him goodnight, and takes 12 Pack / Dave inside to smooch. Chi Chi then straight up decides to get a pillow and blanket set up at the foot of the door to wait for Daisy’s make out sesh to end so he can hang with her.  What seem like hours pass and, after a while, he gives up.  Oy.  That man has got no self-respect.

The next morning, Riki Rachtman lets us in on a little secret: he’s been in touch with London!  Apparently, our man London (my original pick for Daisy, might I add) decided leaving the show was a bad idea.  He still has feelings for Daisy, and had only left in the first place on account of being too weirded out with the reality TV thing - understandable.  Riki decides to let London come back to talk to Daisy - not because he thinks he’s the one for her, but because he sees that the situation needs some closure.  Good man, that Riki.

So!  London returns! And Daisy gets lost in his puppy dog eyes and agrees to consider letting him back into the house!  She tells all the guys, who are NOT happy with the whole situation.  Flex wonders why they don’t just bring back all 20 guys and just keep the cycle going.  Sinister refers to London as a “local band douchebag.”  Chi Chi doesn’t mind much and invites London to sleep in his room.  Ugh.

Chi Chi then goes up to Daisy’s room to let him know he supports her and all her decisions and blah blah blah will this guy give it a rest already?

Elimination time! Daisy tells London that, even though he doesn’t deserve it, he gets a chain and will be staying to fight the good fight for her affection.

Next up, 12 Pack / Dave gets the first chain, then Flex.  Then it’s time to decide between BFFs Chi Chi and Sinister.  Daisy decides to give Chi Chi the boot, because she doesn’t want to ruin their friendship, and because she sees him as more of a good friend.  Duh squared, am I right?

WOW!  So still in the running, we’ve got 12 Pack / Dave, Flex, Sinister, and…. London!  I think we can probs all stop watching now, cuz it’s…

London FTW!

Well, you’ve really gone and done it, America. You voted off quirky & talented, 17-year-old Allison Iraheta - the last (and to be honest, ONLY) bastion of chicks who could SANG on this season of American Idol. This cherry-haired teen may have been awkward in interviews, but I thought she was totally adorable and her apathetic goofball immaturity just amplified her unbelievable stage presence and wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am soulful rock voice. All that dynamite at such a young age. Truly, truly outrageous.

She gave one of her best performances tonight with her passionate, belting-through-tears farewell rendition of “Cry Baby” (video below), which only made it sting even more that the US of A decided to keep Danny Gokey instead, who utterly ruined “Dream On” last night. That is some kind of bullshizz, I’ll tell you right now.

Now Allison’s gone and America’s failure to support her is bringing back horrible memories of the days when I rooted for kicked-out-WAY-too-soon Idol contenders like Tamyra Gray, Melinda Doolittle, Chris Daughtry and Katharine McPhee. Always voting the good ones off, you bunsholes, WHY?

Looks like I’m stuck suffering through more weeks of Adam’s frivolous screaming, Kris’s no-top-lip monkey faces and Danny being an L7 square. Gee, thanks.

I expect only good things to come from Allison in the future. Until then…Iraheta out!

OMFG!  Bravo has announced a premiere date for the “real-life Gossip Girl” we heard about a few months back.  The show will be called NYC Prep and is set to hit the boob tube Tuesday, June 16th at 11 p.m., before it moves to its regs timeslot the next week at 10 p.m.

The show will follow six affluent teens who are “firmly entrenched in Manhattan’s social circle”!!!  OOooOOooh!

I’m Not Obsessed posted a photo of these suckers this morning.  Check out these richies:

Barf, am I right?  What a bummer scene.

First of all, that Blair Waldorf girl totally lacks sex appeal,and the Serena’s face looks like a piece of burnt toast.  I have no clue what that long-haired girl is going for, and the outcast Li’l J type in the background has zero fashion sense.

And that’s just the girls!  The Chuck Bass needs to fix his bangs and look less like he’s in a pop-punk band from Orange County, and the Dan Humphrey guy needs to visit Brooklyn for like, a second time in his life and figure out that those scarves are SO 2k7.  You’re not fooling anyone, Humphrey.

And umm, hello, WHERE are their cell phones?!?!?  These kids look like they’re on their way to a piano recital.

Ugh.  Is this what heartbreak feels like?