Does anyone even watch this Gossip Girl show anymore?  This show is getting harder to follow than Queen Mum after a few drinks (that was funny, right?)!

Let’s break it down by character; otherwise, this shizz is way too hard to follow:

Dan Humphrey and Olivia Burke
Olivia for some reason doesn’t want to show bf Dan her appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.  She goes to great lengths to keep footage of the show from him, but he eventually comes across the clip.  It seems Olivia told Jimmy Fallon the story of her first date with Dan, in which he emerged from the bathroom with his shirt on inside-out.  Fallon starts calling him “Bathroom Boy,” it’s hilarious blah blah blah.  Dan ends up not really caring, just being bummed he forgot their one-month anniversary, yadda yadda all is right with the world.

Nate Archibald, Vanessa Abrams, and the Congressional Campaign
Nate’s cousin Trip van der Bilt is running for Congress.  Nate’s helping out while Vanessa documents the whole process for one of her snoozy short films.  She gets footage of Trip saving a drowning man in the Hudson River, but when reviewing the tape before selling it off to a local news station, learns that the whole thing was set up to make Trip look like a hero.  She warns Nate ahead of time so Trip can plan his PR plan of attack ahead of time.  What ends up happening instead is Nate tricking Vanessa into forking the footage over by sending a fake journalist to purchase the tape.  Vanessa later figures it out and gives him one of her b.s. moral authority speeches about how he isn’t the Nate Archibald she once knew.  Nate redeems himself later by taking credit for the whole set up, even though he had nothing to do with it.

BONUS: We all thought it was Grandfather William van der Bilt (p.s. love it how they all call him “Grandfather”), but it turns out to be Trip’s sneaky wife Maureen who was behind the whole shebang.  She confesses this to Grandfather with a shizz-eating grin on her face, because she knows he’s underestimated her in the past.  Grandfather responds that he actually doesn’t think about her much at all.  Disssssss!

Blair Waldorf and Serena van der Woodsen
The girls are still pissed at each other over last week’s snafu with Chuck Bass’s Gimlet bar opening and whatnot.  Blair finds herself a new best friend in the form of some babe named Brandeis whose got a penchant for designer clothes.  Blair takes Brandeis to Trip van der Bilt’s election party at Chuck’s Empire Hotel, where Serena is attending with her new fake boyfriend actor Patrick Roberts, who she is dating only to keep her job as a publicist.  Patrick gets mondo drunk at the party and lets our friends know that Blair’s buddy Brandeis is not only a psych major at NYU, but a high-class call girl - she’s at the party looking for new clients!  Things get crazy, Blair gets drunk-as-a-skunk Patrick kicked out of the party, Serena tells Blair about her new friend’s actual calling in life, Blair gives her one of those takes-one-to-know-one lines, and S pushes B’s face into a cake.

Whew! Serena ends up feeling like a whore after all, quitting her job, and trying to make up with Blair - but Blair won’t have it.  Blair’s got a real life now, with school and a real relationship, while Serena’s floundering through life, alienating her family and friends.  Blair wants no part of it.  Could this be the end of Serena and Blair?!?!?!?

The episode ends with Blair crawling into bed with Chuck - she’s got no friends, but at least she has him, she says - and Serena running into newly-elected Trip at a bar and him joining her for a chat.  Both these scenes seemed foreshadowing to me.  Will Blair lose Chuck too?  Will something happen between Serena and Trip?  I certainly hope both of those questions are answered with a big fat NO.

Next week?  It’s supposed to be the big threesome episode we’ve been hearing buzz about (OM3!).  Who do you think it’ll be?  I’m half-assuming it’ll involve Olivia (you know how loose those Hollywood types are!), but I’m hoping Vanessa will be involved because maybe THEN she’d shut up.  Serena would be too obvious, no?

Maybe our girl Gossip will show up.  xoxo!

Oh, Gossip Girl, what have you become?  I can’t keep up with all this.

Last night’s episode concerned itself with the opening of Chuck Bass’s club, Gimlet.  Chuck wants to keep the club’s opening a secret from gf Blair Waldorf, who he’s still pissed at for betraying his trust last week, but he asks Serena van der Woodsen to help with club publicity, since she’s like, a publicist now.  Serena takes on the project, hoping to impress boss Casey (er, now it sounds like it’s K.C.?) with a successful party.

Unfortch, Serena’s boss Casey / K.C. gets her panties in a bunch over Serena using her contacts to publicize the party, but cools down when Serena assures her she will have Olivia Burke there, canoodling with ex-bf and Endless Knights co-star Patrick Roberts, another client of Casey’s.

But this whole pretend-we’re-dating-for-publicity thing isn’t sitting well with Olivia’s bf Dan Humphrey, who recently viewed the Endless Knights series, per buddy Nate Archibald’s suggestion, and discovered Olivia’s steamy vampire love scenes, in which co-star Patrick arouses Olivia to the point of levitation.  Whoa!  Olivia discovers Dan’s insecurities and assures him that what he saw was acting, that her and Patrick’s relationship was just for show.  She agrees to go to Serena’s event and pretend to be with Patrick, however - it’s all part of the job.

Meanwhile, Chuck is getting nervous about Gimlet’s liquor license - it still hasn’t arrived.  He finally gets a call at the last minute that he’s been approved, and we later find out that control-freak Blair had called in a favor to Uncle Jack Bass (remember him?) to make it happen.  Chuck, of course, finds out, and gets even more pissed at the girl.  He asks her to leave and not come to the launch party.

Party time! Serena’s working the door, everyone’s having a ball… and Blair’s stuck at home playing chess with Dorota.

Suddenly, flowers arrive at her dorm room!  They’re from Uncle Jack, sending his condolences for granting them a fake liquor license.  Oh noes!  The girl heads straight to Gimlet to warn Chuck.

But Chuck already knows.  The pair kiss and make up and blah blah blah call the cops in order to break up the illegal party and wind up on page one of the newspaper.

Serena is not particularly pleased.  The paparazzi hadn’t got a shot of Olivia and Patrick back together - Casey / K.C. would be furious!

Olivia had confessed to Dan that she had, in fact, broken Patrick’s heart, and was just trying to help his long-suffering career by giving him a bit of publicity - but she decides to stick by Dan’s side instead during the event.  Serena comes up with a quick fix for the problem, which is to have the paps photograph Olivia kissing Dan and Serena kissing Patrick.  The amount of coverage generated seems to please Casey / K.C., and Serena’s job is safe once again.

All the while, Jenny Humphrey’s busy with her own storyline!  She’s acting like a huge bitch as Queen Bee, and even has her minions dump yogurt on step-brother Eric van der Woodsen’s head after he and boyfriend Jonathan sit higher than her on the stairs.

Even worse, after a talking-to from step-mom Lily van der Woodsen, Li’l J makes up with Eric, but has to continue to get her revenge on him and Jonathan in order to show the girls on the steps who’s boss.  This ends with the minions egging Jonathan, Eric being pissed beyond belief and telling Li’l J he wants nothing to do with her, and Li’l J dramatically tearing clothes out of her closet and throwing them on the floor of her room, along with her sewing machine.  Is she shunning her D.I.Y. garb and committing herself to a life of being a huge bitch in designer pantsuits?  Probs.

Oh, and there’s some boring subplot about Rufus Humphrey wanting to stay home and pass out candy in wife Lily’s apt, and her paying the doorman to usher some kids up and satisfy the dude.  SNOOZE!

Sure, I guess the episode was entertaining enough.  But really, if the show continues on this downward spiral, I’m not sure I can stomach any more!  Who’s with me?

Gossip Girl, are you there?