It’s like Big Love, but without all that Mormonism getting in the way of the drugs and alcohol

If you thought Charlie was on a downward spiral before, just wait till you see what kind of tailspin this latest news will set him on! After his most recent radio rant about the producers of Two and a Half Men (co-creator Chuck Lorre, in particular) CBS has canceled the rest of the season of the show and are apparently still deciding whether they want to continue. One one hand it’s the most popular sitcom on TV, and on the other hand it stars an insane alcoholic/drug addict/sexaholic who can’t help himself from being a disastrous media spectacle. So although Two and a Half Men hasn’t officially been canceled altogether, after this latest rift I hardly see the two sides coming together amicably. Charlie’s radio interview was so full of choice quotes about himself and Chuck Lorre that it was tempting just to post a transcript. He refers to Lorre as a “maggot,” claims for years he has turned the “tin cans” Lorre writes into pure gold, and said he embarrassed Lorre in front of his children and the world by recovering from his addictions at a pace that his tony mind couldn’t fathom. Really Charlie? Somehow you don’t sound fully recovered… When it came to that issue, Charlie brushed off his issues, saying the only thing he has ever been addicted to was “winning.” I assume “winning” is some strand of especially potent cocaine.

So what’s next for Charlie if his reign as king of the sitcoms is truly coming to an end? Although Charlie has been making claims that he is already in talks to star in his own HBO series that would pay him a whopping 5 million dollars an episode, some are doubting the legitimacy of the claim. Including HBO, who say they have never spoken with Sheen about any show. Oops! Guess sometimes reality and dreamland kind of blur together after a few party days without sleep, huh Char? At this rate Charlie will end up an unemployable actor with his own VH1 or E! reality show. Which would be awesome! Right now the guy is living in a house with his soon to be ex-wife, their ex-nanny and a random porn star! How is that not a TV show?! It would be like Three’s Company or Full House, but waaaay weirder.

Vince Neil: one time biggest rocker in the world, current figure skater

I’m sure by now you all know there is a new reality competition show on TV called Skating With the Stars. It premiered this week and I’m certain most “I’m thankful for…” speeches around your Thanksgiving table this year made mention of it. Finally, a show about celebrities ice-skating! How come no one has thought of this before? It’s perfect for those who like the concept of Dancing with the Stars, but would like to see them slip on ice and possibly get sliced by their own bladed shoes more often. And with the caliber of stars on Dancing With the Stars this year (David Hasselhoff was sadly the biggest celeb amongst them, and somehow he got kicked off first), who are the lucky “stars” who couldn’t get booked on Dancing and have to humiliate themselves on ice?

Vince Neil of Motley Crue fame is probably the biggest star since he was the lead singer of one of the biggest bands of the 80’s. Sure, since then he has most notably appeared on The Surreal Life, but he still was a star at one point. Next up is Bethenny Frankel, who apparently just jumps from one reality show to another, including The Real Housewives of New York City and Bethenny Getting Married? I like that the question mark is included, because as someone with no familiarity, I don’t get how she went from a Housewife show to a bridal show. Did they forget Bethenny’s Bitter Divorce in between? Brandon Mychael Smith is a rapper/actor known for his roles on Sonny With a Chance and Phil of the Future, so this is good training for when his career flat-lines and he has to reprise those roles on tour with Disney on Ice. Johnny Moseley is an Olympic Skier, meaning he has an unfair proximity to skating advantage. And finally Sean Young is an actress who nobody seems to hire anymore and Rebecca Budig is from the soap opera All My Children, so the old people who actually know she is can’t stay up late enough for a prime-time TV show and sure as heck can’t program a DVR. Boy oh boy, quite the stars indeed!

Remember earlier when I questioned why no one had thought of this concept before? Well I’m sure most of the world forgets, but they did. It was called Skating with Celebrities and only aired 4 years ago, but nobody remembers because it failed. And sadly, with celebrities like Dave Coulier from Full House, honorary Keeping up with the Kardashians featured player Bruce Jenner, model/weather lady/actress? Jillian Barberie, and Todd Bridges (Willis form Diff’rent Strokes), I’d say it was way more star-studded than this new incarnation. Sorry Johnny Moseley, you’re just no Willis. Nobody quotes a catchphrase with a reference to you in it.

The first star gets kicked off tonight, with many speculating that Vince Neil will be the one to go. Because why not kick off the one cast-member who actually did sell out world tours? At least he might be able to get a Rock of Love style gig out of it…

“I am not a crook! Or a guy who does drugs with teens while naked!”

John Stamos is a free man! Oh, there was never a chance that he was going to jail because of this trial? Well…he’s still free! That’s right, the extortion case that brought Full House’s Uncle Jesse to court is finally over and he came out triumphant. And because it is 2010 and he is a celebrity, there was only one way to celebrate: send out a flurry of tweets about the verdict! It’s how all celeb court cases end! Too bad there was no Twitter during the OJ case, because those would have been some killer tweets!

The case came about when 24 year old Allison Cross and her creepy fiance contacted Stamos, claiming to have evidence and photos of him doing drugs and stripping in a hot tub with Cross 7 years earlier, when she was only 17. Come on! We all know it was Uncle Joey (aka Dave Coulier) who had a thing for younger girls! He did go out with Alanis Morissette when she was 19 and he was 33, and then managed to do something mean enough to inspire one of the great angsty songs of the 90’s, “You Oughtta Know.” I’m going to guess it was constantly doing his Popeye impression. Or maybe only saying he loved her through his puppet Mr. Woodchuck. Who knows, that guy is a weirdo. But back to Uncle Jesse! The couple demanded $680,000 to keep their mouths shut about the damning story, an oddly specific number that, when paired with the 7 year gap between the events and this blackmail, makes me think they ran into some form of trouble in the $680,000 range and had to go to the emergency plan: Operation Stamos. But guess what? The judge recognized that there was no evidence for their claims, and that blackmail, as it turns out, is still illegal, so the couple were convicted of conspiracy and two counts of extortion. Way to go Stamos!

In TV news, the series finale of The Hills finally aired on Tuesday, and who would have thought it would end with an M. Night Shyamalan style twist? Seriously, I think even the producers of Lost wish they had gone with this ending! The shocking ending? The show ended with a suggestion that the whole thing was (gasp!)…staged! No way! Next thing you’re going to tell me that Larry the Cable Guy isn’t actually a cable repairman at all! The series ended with stars Kristen Cavallari and Brody Jenner saying a tearful goodbye, only to reveal that it was being shot on a Hollywood sound-stage and was completely faked. Cavallari has already stated that the final scene was the only staged part to play with the constant rumors that it was scripted, but that everything else in the series has been real. Wow, kind of like when Michael Jackson claimed the only plastic surgery he ever had was one nose job when he broke it. I say good for you producers of The Hills! Ending the show with a moment of admission and commentary about the nature of “reality” shows was…well, kind of great and innovative. Two words I never thought I would use about The Hills.

You can watch the ending for yourself below!

Hey dudes!  Christmas is coming up quickly, which leads to an obvious question for this week’s poll…

Vote now!  Or you’ll get lumps of coal in your stocking, etc.

ZOMG, this is a GREAT week for celebrity tell-alls!  Celebitchy put up a nice big fat chunk of former Full House star Jodie Sweetin’s upcoming memoir, UnSweetined. As you’ve likely heard, Sweetin has battled serious drug and alcohol addiction for years now.  Much of the book deals with her struggle to come clean.

Here’s an excerpt from UnSweetined in which Sweetin feels like a hypocrite during a “sober” media tour:

When I got to my hotel near Marquette University in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, I slept for a few hours but when I woke up I was still dead tired. I was a mess. Luckily I had the coke to pick me back up. I did a few key bumps and headed to the lecture hall, where a sold-out crowd waited to hear me speak. I thought for sure that one of the professors would take one look at me and kick me out. But none did. They wanted to hear about the trials and tribulations of Jodie Sweetin, or at least the Jodie Sweetin I had created by appearing on Good Morning America and talking to People magazine.

I stood up at the podium, looked around the room, and put on my best TV smile. I was so disappointed in myself. I was living a complete lie. But unfortunately, guilt doesn’t make you stop. I talked about growing up on television and about how great my life was now that I was sober, and then midspeech I started to cry. The crowd probably thought that the memories of hitting rock bottom were too much for me to handle. Or maybe they thought the tears were just a way for an actor to send a message that drugs are bad. I don’t know what they thought.

I know what they didn’t think. They didn’t think I was coming down from a two-day bender of coke, meth, and Ecstasy and they didn’t think that I was lying to them with every sentence that came out of my mouth. That much I do know. The little bit of coke that I had done before the speech wasn’t enough to make me forget how bad I felt for doing what I was doing. The guilt was eating away at me. I was struggling to keep it together, but no one realized that. I finished. They applauded. Standing ovation. Just how I liked it. And it was over.

I was just so tired. Tired of lying. Tired of pretending to be someone that I wasn’t. I took a deep breath and walked out of the lecture hall. I went back to my hotel room and buried my face in my hands. I couldn’t keep doing this. It had to end. But not today. I wiped away the tears and finished the baggie of coke.

Oh man!  I have a feeling there’s gonna be a whole lot of key bumps in this book.  I’m looking forward to picking up a copy.

Isn’t it strange to picture little Stephanie Tanner growing up to be a meth addict? She wouldn’t even smoke when Gina offerred her cigarettes!

How rude!

Last night, So You Think You Can Dance headed to New Orleans - the Big Easy, land of Mardi Gras, marching bands playing “When the Saints Go Marching In” and lots of dance talent (finally!). Nigel was out getting a doctorate, so our judges are Lil C, Mary and Adam Shankman. The vibe isn’t the same without Nigel, but the show must go on! Recaps and video clips (from MJ) of the better dancers below:

Shelby “Skip” Skipper (New Orleans Bounce) - Skip does this crazy local dance style called the “New Orleans Bounce” which looks exhausting and requires high energy that he delivers. He’s definitely fun to watch and the judges are really excited to see a new style of dance, but I wonder why they decided to send him straight to Vegas. Usually dancers with this sort of niche specialty are at least put through the choreography test. Hm, What Would Nigel Do? VIDEO

Jonathan Litzler (Contemporary) – Jonathan is a really strong tumbler who blends it in his dance. Dang, check out those leg muscles - what the sinew?! Off to Vegas for him. VIDEO

Alison Nance, Calvin Turner Jr. and Edward Spots - Montage of three dancers who make the cut to Vegas. Who are they? Will we ever find out? VIDEO

Justin Kenney (B-boy) - For the third time this season, Cat narrates that Justin “is one of the best b-boys we’ve ever seen”. Unless I’m seeing things, he’s got massive plugs in his ears and piercing blue eyes. He sort of looks like Uncle Jesse from Full House, but ganglier. He was recently in a serious car accident and suffered a lot of head trauma, but he’s still able to do some wild tricks - Lil C says something about Justin’s impressive transition from “flares to babies” and I’m delighted. Unfortch, Justin isn’t that great in choreography, but I actually see some potential, like he could be someone the audience watches “grow” as a dancer over the season. The judges must agree because they still give him a plane ticket to Vegas. VIDEO

Kimalee Piedad (Theater Arts) - We’re treated to another new dance style in The Big Easy tonight: Theater Arts. It’s apparently a combo of like…ballet, contemporary and ice dancing. Just very flowy partnered dancing with some extremely unique lifts. Kimalee is trying out, while her partner is there to support her (though he deserves props for that strength - no doubt). She has a witty personality, and their audition is lovely to watch. Although, it may be a bummer if she makes it because Kimalee would lose a lot of the “wow” factor (much like ballroom dancers) without a partner to work off of. But, she makes it to Vegas so we’ll see how she fares. VIDEO

Jakob Karr (Contemporary) - Holy smokes! I thought Jakob was amaaaazing to watch. One of the strongest Contemporary auditions I’ve seen this season (but I am still hoping to see more of that cutie Nathan Trasoras). I hope we get to see more of him in Vegas. VIDEO

Diana Drexler (Contemporary) - Diana’s audition is in the last 5 minutes of the show, which means: tearjerker ahead! The previous day, she found out that her grandfather passed away, so she’s battling a roller coaster of emotions, and wants to make him proud. She’s a very sweet girl and does a fine audition, though admittedly it’s not mindblowing. Something about her reminds me of Baby in Dirty Dancing. Anywho, the judges are empathetic and ask her to do the choreography test, which she passes - so she gets a ticket to Vegas and hopes her grandpa is proud. Maybe I almost teared up. Maybe. VIDEO

Next time, we hit the FINAL audition city (finally!) - Salt Lake City, Utah, where apparently everyone dances on mountain tops in slow motion. Then, the gauntlet of Vegas Week begins. Who’ll make it? Who’ll get cut? *dramatic muzac* Tune in next week to So You Think You Can Dance!

Oh heck, why not.  I know you’re gonna enjoy this:

You got it, dude!  Yeah!  Full House’s Michelle Tanner, as played by Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen!   Can you tell which twin is which?  They’re not identical, after all.

My theory is that Mary Kate’s the better actress.  Ashley’s such a priss, after all.  You really need to lose yourself in a role, ESPECIALLY when you’re playing a toddler.  Ashley just doesn’t have the balls to really let go of all social conventions.

Well, this is hardly funny!

As a San Francisco resident and long-time Full House fan, I find this “alternate intro” borderline offensive.  Press play and let me know if you agree:

The destruction of the Golden Gate Bridge - why, I never!  And to mispell both “Bob Saget” AND “Jodie Sweetin”?  HOW RUDE!

It’s smut like this that makes the Internets unsafe for today’s children.

[Source: BuzzFeed]

Yay!  This is fun.

Check out Where It’s At.  It’s an interactive map that points to locations referenced in pop culture, from the Grey’s Anatomy Seattle hospital to John Lennon’s New York City apartment.  Visitors can sort by different categories (e.g. “movie magic” or “totally tv”), and are encouraged to add in any missing landmarks.  Though still very incomplete-seeming, it’s a super fun map to click through; within minutes I visited both the Seinfeld diner “Monk’s” on the show, Tom’s Restaurant in real life) and the Elliott Smith Figure 8 wall.

I decided to zoom in on my little home by the Bay (San Francisco, dummy!) to see what I could find.  I was met with your expected Grateful Dead house and Full House houses, as well as my favorite Bay Area fun fact.

FUN FACT!  You know the Weeds theme song (”Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky-tacky…”)?  It’s called “Little Boxes” and it’s sung by folk singer Malvina Reynolds.  Well get this: the satirical song was written when Reynolds saw the colorful rows of houses on a Daly City hill right here in the Bay.  Check ‘em out on your way into the SF from the airport.  Love that fact.

Okay, enough about me.  Go visit your town!

I don’t feel the need to explain this photo.

30 Rock’s Tina Fey and Full House’s Uncle Jesse (or John Stamos of ER, who can tell the difference?) chillin’ out at Disney World with some princesses.  No biggie.