As you all know, the First Couple of Scientology, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, have called it splitsville. It came out of nowhere and Cruise’s people attempted to sweep it under the rug just as quickly, finalizing a divorce in under two weeks, what just might be a Hollywood divorce record. Ever since the divorce was announced the media has been speculating and the internet swirling with rumors about just what happened to spoil their highly secretive marriage. From a “5 year contract” to the old “Suri was grown in a Scientologist lab,” no rumor has been too outlandish and unbelievable. So hey, why not make up some of our own? These are just as likely to be true as most of the theories out there.

-Katie Holmes was brainwashed into forgetting her former life, but Tom accidentally let her watch an episode of You Can’t Trust the B— in Apartment 23, where James Van Der Beek plays himself, and a flood of Dawson’s Creek related memories flashed through her mind, reminding her of who she truly is.

-Tom Cruise became so method about his role in the musical Rock of Ages that he acted like an 80s rock legend for months on end and insisted on singing their every day activities. This would drive anyone crazy.

-Katie saw all the reports about John Travolta’s massage parlor scandal and realized Tom frequented all of the same spas.

-That Oprah incident wasn’t a one time thing. Tom is jumping on couches constantly. It’s not safe for a young child like Suri to be around.

-Remember what Tom Cruise looked like in Tropic Thunder? That wasn’t make-up, that’s his regular appearance. The thin, handsome Tom Cruise we know is a result of 9 hours of make-up and prosthetic every day. Can you blame Katie?

-The new Batman movie has opened up old wounds, and Katie Holmes is now on a one-woman revenge mission against Maggie Gyllenhaal for stealing the role Katie played in Batman Begins and playing it in the way more beloved The Dark Knight.

-The “33 curse” (based on the fact that all 3 of Cruise’s wives have left him at the age of 33) is true. In fact they were all exactly 33 1/3 years old on the day of divorce. This is because Tom Cruise loves vinyl records so much.

-Although they had a whirlwind romance and a happy few years together, eventually Tom and Katie grew apart and realized it would make them happier to be apart and continue their lives. Haha unbelievable! Who would buy that?!

It’s true folks. It’s the end of an era. A 72 day era. Our own royal couple, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, are getting a divorce. Oh cruel world…if those two multi-millionaires can’t make it work with cameras filming their every move, how are we supposed to?? Is there hope for love???

Though, let’s be honest, this isn’t much of a surprise. We all saw this divorce coming, I just really thought they would last half a year, or at least until the Kardashian ratings took a dive. But nope, Kim is back on the market! Kris and her haven’t really been seen together much lately, and he reportedly hated being on camera all the time, so I guess a divorce was a preemptive strike before one of them gets caught cheating on the other on camera and it becomes a whole Kutcher level disaster. I swear, they call it “reality TV,” but relationships last longer on soap operas, and they tend to at least have evil twins to make things more interesting. Kim just has two annoying regular sisters.

Now rumors are coming out that Kris was essentially recruited to be Kim’s fiancee after another pro athlete passed on the opportunity. What it sounds like to me is the Kardashian Klan and E! wanted a big royal wedding of their own, and Kim was the only option. Nobody likes Kourtney’s creepy baby daddy, and nobody cares about Khloe, so Kim it was! Once they cast Kris as her fiancee and got the big ratings spike form the wedding, Kim and E! both realized domestic married life makes it a lot easier to “keep up” with Kim. See ya Kris! We need a rotating cast of fit guys to date Kim and crank up the drama.

The big question: will we get a divorce proceedings special? I hope Ryan Seacrest hosts it!

Oh snap!  Cougar Town, that show I’ve been trashing without seeing for the past few months, finally premieres tonight at 9:30 p.m. on ABC.

To refresh your mem, Friends’s Courteney Cox stars as Jules, a divorcée/real estate agent whose neighbor bets she can’t pull in younger men the way he does women.  All the while, Cox delivers lines like: “I was 19, I started thinking with my coochie-cooch, and then, bam, I had a kid.” Hilarity ensues!

Gross me out!

I read a few reviews of the show and it seems common consensus is that the problem with the show isn’t Courteney Cox (who we can all agree is a wholly decent comedic actress), but the concept itself.  I particularly liked this excerpt from the Los Angeles Times’s review:

This is a real show whose main conceit is that having sex with a younger man is fun and exciting for women over 40. Crude stuff for a family newspaper, but despite the warm-and-fuzzy-celebrity cred that star Courteney Cox brings to it, some funny lines and good acting all around, Cougar Town is a crude show, built on jokes about oral sex and droopy breasts, a show in which words like “coochie” are used with regrettable abandon… Clearly, creators Bill Lawrence and Kevin Biegel (both previously of Scrubs) are trying to take on some legitimate issues, and no doubt there is pathos and insight to be gleaned from a divorced woman staring down her mid-40s as her child prepares to leave the nest, wondering if this is as good as it is ever going to get. But that is no excuse, and I mean whatsoever, for having that woman look at a shirtless young man and say, “I want to lick him.”

Travis (Dan Byrd of Aliens in America) is Jules‘ teenage son, whose actual adolescence is being preempted by his mother’s second go-round. Jules seems to take pride in her lack of boundaries, giving their relationship an ick factor that even Byrd’s quietly hilarious performance cannot overcome. He does his very best, though, stealing every scene he’s in. “Why don’t you laugh at my jokes?” his mother asks after she cracks one about the fact that, in an attempt to prove her attractiveness, she flashed a neighbor kid. “Because they make me sad,” Travis says, giving voice to us all.

Wow.  That is some seriously poignant shizz right there.  Let’s all watch Cougar Town tonight and cry.