July 16th, 2012, 01:58 PM
As you all know, the First Couple of Scientology, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, have called it splitsville. It came out of nowhere and Cruise’s people attempted to sweep it under the rug just as quickly, finalizing a divorce in under two weeks, what just might be a Hollywood divorce record. Ever since the divorce was announced the media has been speculating and the internet swirling with rumors about just what happened to spoil their highly secretive marriage. From a “5 year contract” to the old “Suri was grown in a Scientologist lab,” no rumor has been too outlandish and unbelievable. So hey, why not make up some of our own? These are just as likely to be true as most of the theories out there.
-Katie Holmes was brainwashed into forgetting her former life, but Tom accidentally let her watch an episode of You Can’t Trust the B— in Apartment 23, where James Van Der Beek plays himself, and a flood of Dawson’s Creek related memories flashed through her mind, reminding her of who she truly is.
-Tom Cruise became so method about his role in the musical Rock of Ages that he acted like an 80s rock legend for months on end and insisted on singing their every day activities. This would drive anyone crazy.
-Katie saw all the reports about John Travolta’s massage parlor scandal and realized Tom frequented all of the same spas.
-That Oprah incident wasn’t a one time thing. Tom is jumping on couches constantly. It’s not safe for a young child like Suri to be around.
-Remember what Tom Cruise looked like in Tropic Thunder? That wasn’t make-up, that’s his regular appearance. The thin, handsome Tom Cruise we know is a result of 9 hours of make-up and prosthetic every day. Can you blame Katie?
-The new Batman movie has opened up old wounds, and Katie Holmes is now on a one-woman revenge mission against Maggie Gyllenhaal for stealing the role Katie played in Batman Begins and playing it in the way more beloved The Dark Knight.
-The “33 curse” (based on the fact that all 3 of Cruise’s wives have left him at the age of 33) is true. In fact they were all exactly 33 1/3 years old on the day of divorce. This is because Tom Cruise loves vinyl records so much.
-Although they had a whirlwind romance and a happy few years together, eventually Tom and Katie grew apart and realized it would make them happier to be apart and continue their lives. Haha unbelievable! Who would buy that?!