Finally.

There’s a lot to complain about when it comes to TV. Bristol Palin getting a reality show. Jay Leno beating Letterman in ratings every night. The fact that there isn’t a 24 hour Pawn Stars network. But we can’t lose sight of why we love TV! Here are some of this week’s reasons:

-Community returns in 2 weeks! I don’t know about you, but even the return of 30 Rock hasn’t been able to fill the void that removing Community form NBC’s Thursday night line-up has left. But, after a few months of uncertainty, we have a solid return date: March 15th! If you haven’t ever watched Community, you’ve got 2 weeks to catch up and tune in live. If it’s going to return in the fall it could use all the help it can get.

-Urkel is joining Dancing with the Stars! This is beyond exciting for any kid who grew up in the 90’s, because it could finally lead to the Urkel career resurgence we’ve all been praying for. The last time I saw Jaleel White it was in a straight to DVD movie called Who Made the Potato Salad? (yes, this movie exists and yes I rented it based on that title alone), so he could use the paycheck. If he puts on those suspenders and glasses for a tango he can probably win the season.

-James Spader is leaving The Office! Sorry if there are any big Robert California fans out there (somehow I doubt it), but trying to fill the void left by Steve Carell with Spader’s odd, unsettling character did a whole lot to make this season feel even more of a miss, not to save it. The Office team seemed to forget that the British version made a name for itself with uncomfortable, awkward laughs, but unfortunately Spader’s character only nailed the first two…

-Gak is back! That green slime that any Nickelodeon kid should remember well is back on the shelves. I will gladly pay $4.99 for that little bottle of nostalgia.

The damning Civil War photo, revealing Nicolas Cage to be the immortal monster we always suspected

I always suspected that Nicolas Cage was some sort of otherworldly being or somehow in touch with the mystic side. I mean just take a look at some of his performance and try to convince me the directors didn’t catch a man possessed by bizarre, wild and over-acting spirits on film. But a Vampire? That’s what one man suspects after uncovering a Civil War photo that matches up strikingly well with the actor. And somehow this internet rumor has gotten to the man, forcing him to explain his apparent immortality on multiple occasions while promoting his latest tour-de-force, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. Below is a video of Nic addressing the matter with David Letterman.

Though he denies drinking blood and seems to think his Civil War counterpart looks, well, to be politically correct, “slow,” he does admit to channeling ancient spiritual forces to fuel his acting style, which he calls “nouveau shamanic.” Here, let the man himself explain the insanity swirling around in his head:

“I would paint my face with black and white make up to look like a Afro-Caribbean icon called Baron Samedi, or an Afro-New Orleans icon who is also called Baron Saturday. He is a spirit of death but he loves children; he’s very lustful, so he’s a conflict in forces. And I would put black contact lenses in my eyes so that you could see no white and no pupil, so I would look more like a skull or a white shark on attack.“

“On my costume, my leather jacket, I would sew in ancient, thousands-of-years-old Egyptian relics, and gather bits of tourmaline and onyx and would stuff them in my pockets to gather these energies together and shock my imagination into believing that I was augmented in some way by them, or in contact with ancient ghosts. I would walk on the set looking like this, loaded with all these magical trinkets, and I wouldn’t say a word to my co-stars or crew or directors. I saw the fear in their eyes, and it was like oxygen to a forest fire. I believed I was the Ghost Rider.”

Remember, this type of method acting that some actors would maybe dip their toes into for an Oscar-worthy role, is what Nic Cage did every day for the Ghost Rider sequel, which currently has a 12% on Rotten Tomatoes. And which I will be seeing in theaters tonight. God I love Nicolas Cage.

Trump looks like a pompous idiot in every photo that exists of him. It’s scientifically proven.

Despite both being reality TV stars, it’s hard to imagine two celebrities farther apart in every way than Donald Trump and Flavor Flav. But what tied them together this week was that it was a rather lousy week for the both of them.

First up is Celebrity Apprentice host/presidential hopeful/rich loudmouth Trump. Man, this guy just couldn’t catch a break. First Obama releases his birth certificate, proving that Trump has been wasting his time ranting and raving to anyone who would listen over the past month about a fairy tale. Then David Letterman, the elder statesman of comedy these days, came out saying Trump’s comments about Obama were racist and he was no longer welcome on The Late Show. Take a look at the people Letterman has feuded with over the years and tell me they’re not all deserving of a public smack-down: Sarah Palin, Jay Leno, Bill O’Reilly, etc. Welcome to the club, Trump! Next up Trump attended the White House Correspondents Dinner, where both SNL star Seth Meyers and President Obama turned the evening into a Roast of Trump with a slew of stinging jokes at his expense (which he didn’t look too entertained by). The following morning he put his foot in his mouth yet again by slamming Seth’s performance, saying he was a “stutterer,” an insult that the Stuttering Foundation of America didn’t think was very appropriate. Come on, this is a post-King’s Speech world! No more making fun of stutterers! Finally, on Sunday night, Obama took over every network TV station to announce that he had ordered the kill shot against Osama Bin Laden. Right when The Celebrity Apprentice was on TV. Boom! Sucks to be Trump.

And then there’s Flavor Flav. Oh, Flavor Flav…. The former Flavor of Love star first saw his short-lived friend chicken restaurant close down because…well…it was a fried chicken restaurant opened by Flavor Flav. Of course it shut down. It was open for a few months, which I assume means the health inspector’s were a few months behind and just finally got around to checking the place out. Forget a restaurant founded by the man, any building Flavor Flav walks into should have to burn all it’s now tainted food before spreading disease. But things got even worse for Flav when he was pulled over for a moving violation in Las Vegas on Friday and the police realized there were 4 outstanding warrants for his arrest. So what were the former Public Enemy hype man’s big crimes? Robbery? Assault? Crimes against Television? Sadly Flav is wanted for the most boring crimes ever: driving without insurance, driving without a license and a simple parking ticket. Come on, that’s not gangster.

Come on, I said gross and TV. You knew these two would show up.

Two very different TV clips have turned my stomach this week, so now it’s time to choose: which one is grosser? Let’s take a look at the contenders!

First up are the King and queen of gross themselves: The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. I refuse to use their celebrity couple name “Speidi” because it is insulting to Spider-Man, so instead I have crafted my own combo-name for them: Plastic Surgery Scarred Weird Beard. I think it’s gonna catch on. But aren’t Heidi and Spencer split apart, filling out their divorce papers and re-evaluating their fake, shallow, fame-hungry lives posing for any photo-opp possible? Of course not! Next thing you’re gonna tell me you believe Joaquin Phoenix’s new “documentary” is real. No, it turns out they really pulled a fast one on America and are back together, apparently staging their break-up to get their names in the headlines (kind of like everything they do). Now that they are publicly together again they were spotted having a romantic picnic but moved along when they spotted paparazzi snapping pictures of them. Oh wait, this is Spencer and Heidi. So this is how they celebrated their reunion. (Click the link for video)

That’s right, they invited a TMZ camera crew to watch them ceremoniously burn their divorce papers and made smores over the flames. And this was all during the week which saw the hottest day in LA history, mind you. This much desperation and scheming just to appear on TV? Pretty gross.

Their opposition: Bruce Willis’ new hair. Don’t worry, he didn’t get a terrible toupee like Donald Trump (seriously, how has his wig-maker not gotten a “You’re fired!” yet?). No, Bruce was actually inspired by Lady Gaga (though it’s pretty obvious he really has no idea who she is, which makes me love him even more) and arrived on Late Show with David Letterman wearing a raw hamburger hairpiece. Hey, maybe it was good for his scalp? But the joke turned from bizarre to just plain disgusting when Bruce pulled out a fork and encouraged Dave to take a bite:

I don’t care if it’s on a celebrity’s head, raw meat is not something I want to chow down on. Neither did Letterman, apparently, as he quickly ran backstage to spit it up.The last time Bruce Willis had that effect was when people heard his awful blues/rock album The Return of Bruno.

So which is grosser? Sorry Heidi and Spencer, it’s still you two. Eating raw meat has a good chance of making you sick, but observing Spencer and Heidi’s ridiculous life makes me sick every time. On the plus side? I can’t wait to see what ridiculous couple’s costume they go as for Halloween this year! They got back together just in time!

So apparently there is a 7 year long feud between Shia LaBeouf and Frankie Muniz, which Shia has decided to hold onto till this day. How did I not know about this?! This is like when Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump had a feud, I love it when two people I dislike fight it out! Because it always forces me to examine things and decide which of them I really don’t like. Apparently the feud started when they were both on the family friendly TV shows Malcolm in the Middle and Even Stevens in 2003, but Shia re-opened the wounds in an interview this week when he commented that he had just gotten lucky with roles and that most of his movies like Transformers would have gone to number 1 no matter who starred in them, even if it was Frankie Muniz. Oh snap, Shia! When asked if he was worried about running into Muniz after the dig, LaBeouf said, “I don’t really hang out in Frankie Muniz-type zones.” Muniz immediately hopped on Twitter with his response: “Dear Shia LaBeouf, it’s getting creepy the fact that you can’t stop talking about me. It’s been 12 years now. I don’t know you. Thanks.” So who do I dislike more in this scenario? Despite minding his own business and simply asking to be left alone, it’s still Frankie Muniz. Sorry, he seems like a tool. Furthermore, by using the phrase “Frankie Muniz-type zones,” I think I actually like Shia LaBeouf now.

Speaking of things that I find disturbing, Snooki from Jersey Shore is writing a book. Ok, “writing” might be a generous term. She’s collaborating on a book. Still too generous? Ok, her agent and manager are probably quickly glancing at and approving pages from a series of struggling ghost-writers while Snooki gets drunk in a hot tub and makes money off of it. Better? Although I immediately assumed it would be an autobiography of sorts, Snooki has instead chose to go the Lauren Conrad route of writing a “novel” with a main character that sounds exactly like herself. A Shore Thing (sigh) will “revolve around a girl looking for love on the boardwalk (one full of big hair, dark tans, and fights galore).” How does she think of a character like this? What an imagination! The best part of this news? Snooki tweeted only a few months ago about reading her first book and how proud of herself she was. And now she’s writing one! And it will probably be a bestseller! Take that struggling writers and the dying art of real literature!

And finally, the long-time feud between David Letterman and Oprah (which had seemingly been smoothed over thanks to mutual appearances on their shows a couple years back) has once and for all been explained thanks to a conversation between Letterman and Jon Stewart on the Late Show with David Letterman. We always thought it was just Letterman’s jokes about Oprah and Uma Thurman during his ill-fated turn hosting the Academy Awards that kicked it off, but it turns out it was all over a classic prank. I’ll let Letterman explain what he did, but come on, take a joke Oprah! Like you can’t afford to cover a meal for Dave! You give your audience cars!

Long story short: the Saints bested the Colts last night in their first Super Bowl evs - congrats! [cue celebratory "When the Saints Go Marching In"]

Okay, enough with pretending that I know anything about football - how ’bout them ads?

We’ve listed 5 of our favorites commercials from the night - take a peep below and vote for your favorite (or let us know what’s missing)!

LATE SHOW - WORST SUPER BOWL PARTY EVER feat. David Letterman, Oprah Winfrey and Jay Leno

SNICKERS - YOU’RE NOT YOU WHEN YOU’RE HUNGRY feat. Betty White and Abe Vigoda

DORITOS - HOUSE RULES

DENNYS - SCREAMING CHICKENS ACROSS AMERICA

GOOGLE - PARISIAN LOVE

Now, I won’t admit to having Twilight fever, but I will say that a) I just finished reading New Moon, and b) I totally have a crush on Robert Pattinson, just like the rest of y’all. OMG, does a + b make me a Twihard?

In honor of today’s premiere of the New Moon movie, let’s watch RPatz himself on Late Show with David Letterman the other day:

Adorbs! Can’t help but finding this bumbly Brit charming.

So he’s obviously dating that mousy Kristen Stewart, right?  I guess I’m fine with that, since they’re both probably huge downers in real life.

Who’s going to go see New Moon tonight?

Holy moly!  David Letterman shared a shocking revelation with last night’s Late Show audience.  It seems the late night host was being blackmailed by 48 Hours producer Robert “Joe” Halderman for $2 million.  Halderman threatened to reveal Letterman’s sexual relationships with various Late Show staff members, including Halderman’s former live-in girlfriend, Stephanie Birkitt, Dave’s former assistant.

Here it is, straight from the horse’s mouth:

Pretty insane.  Halderman was arrested outside CBC headquarters for attempted grand larceny in the first degree.

You can’t make this stuff up!!!  I could totally see this popping up as a Law & Order “pulled from the headlines” episode.  Can’t wait!

Or, hm, why not cut out the middleman and just slap it on 48 Hours already.  Zing!

[Source: TMZ]

Last night, on the Late Show with David Letterman, a scantily-clad Britney Spears showed up to read the evening’s Top Ten List.  In case you missed it, CBS has made a clip of the countdown available online.  Roll tape:

Hmm.   No explanation on that bikini.  And why is she sitting on a desk?  Thematically, this just isn’t working for me.  Kinda awk, too, cuz it’s clearly a pre-taped cameo.  What ever happened to via satelite?

And here’s that Top Ten List in print, in case you’re hard of hearing or have no time for video footage:

10. I’d be the first president to wear eye shadow since Nixon
9. We would only invade fun places like Cabo
8. Free pie for everybody
7. My situation room would be a cabana at the Palms Casino at Las Vegas
6. I’d lure Osama out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance Circus Fantasy
5. Every presidential news conference would feature costume changes
4. America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy
3. Challenge U.S. to put nightclub on the moon by the end of the decade
2. Three words: Vice President Diddy
1. Finally the media would pay some attention to me.

Nice to see Brits back in action.

Hey everybody, get THIS!  There’s this woman from Scotland who knows how to sing good.  Real good. There must be a catch, right?

RIGHT!  Check this out: she’s not hot!

Yep, Susan Boyle mania continues.  If you’re not caught up, a dowdy woman went on Britain’s Got Talent and blew everyone away with her singing chops, and everyone’s STILL flipping their burgers over her.

Between you and me, I’m starting to get my knickers in a bunch over the response she’s been getting.  I do think she’s quite talented, but COME ON, PEOPLE!  Can we stop condescending to this woman?

BLESS YOU, SUSAN BOYLE!  Bless your heart for singing so god and being so not hot!  Peeee-ewwww.  I hope when I get crazy famous, people go nuts over how much it sucks that one person was afforded with so much talent on top of such dashing good looks.

But enough about me.  What were we talking about?  Oh!  So here’s the latest from the Internets and Boyle:

On The Tonight Show, obnoxious ole Jay Leno claims he might be related to Susan Boyle and does an impression.  NOT funny!  David Letterman would never stoop this low:

Next up, Susan goes on Larry King Live and sings a rousing rendition of “My Heart Will Go On.”  Britain’s Got Talent judge Pierce Morgan (though I know him as the British jerk from Celebrity Apprentice!) shows up via satellite and continues to kiss Susan’s ass, and invites her to dinner:

I love the awkward pause between the invitation and acceptance.  I really wish Susan had just been like “Aw HELL NO, I’m with Simon!!!”

Burp.  Best of luck to ya, Susan.