Gotta admit: last night’s Grammy Awards kept me anchored-and-grooving on the sofa for over three hours. Okay, they definitely hacked away the actual awards content (sorry Jazz and Classical categories!), but the performances were stellar with very few exceptions (looking at you, Taylor Swift).

Miss the show? See the winners below and catch highlight performances (from Rickey and MrWorldPremiere):

Crazy ol’ Lady Gaga and crazy ol’ Sir Elton John covered Gaga’s “Speechless” and John’s “Your Song” on dueling pianos. Gaga’s silly, but girl has talent. - VIDEO

Green Day joined with the cast of the American Idiot musical to wail and jam to their hit “21 Guns”. - VIDEO

Beyonce made history by taking home six awards last night - go, B! Still going strong, her mash-up of “If I Were A Boy” and Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know” was soul-beltingly, hair-whippingly fierce. - VIDEO

Pink (or is it still P!nk?) needs to join Cirque Du Soleil after another perfectly sung, aerial acrobatic number for her tune “Glitter In the Air”. - VIDEO

The Black Eyed Peas kept the energy up with “Imma Be” and “I Gotta Feeling”. - VIDEO

Country duo Lady Antebellum did a heartfelt rendition of their balladic ode to drunk dialing: “Need You Now.” - VIDEO

In a random but “GET ON YOUR FEET!” number, Jamie Foxx auto-tuned, T-Pain rapped, Doug E. Fresh beatboxed and Slash shredded the “November Rain” guitar solo for “Blame It (on the Alcohol)”. - VIDEO

The country group, The Zac Brown Band, gave me absolute goosebumps with their opening of “America the Beautiful”. Then, Leon Russell and his beard rolled out to accompany them for ”Dixie Lullaby” and ”Southern Fried”. - VIDEO

The night hit the first (and worst) low point of the evening when award magnet, Taylor Swift, got on stage to sing. I love “You Belong With Me”, but literally every time I see this girl perform, she’s off-key. Unfortunately, last night was no exception. First, she messed up her own song, “Today Was a Fairytale,” and then - blasphemy of all blasphemies - her surprise collaborator was… Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac! WTF? The legend herself had to endure Taylor wonking up the Mac classic “Rhiannon” and then Nicks had to play back-up tambourine (bah!) for their hokey duet of “You Belong With Me”. …Yeah, cuz when we think of “pop ditties about high school teen crushes”, we immediately think of Stevie Nicks. Both women deserved a different singing partner. So disappointing. - VIDEO

Next came the 3-D tribute to Michael Jackson, featuring Celine Dion, Usher, Jennifer Hudson, Smokey Robinson and Carrie Underwood. The gang gave a heartfelt rendition of MJ’s “Earth Song” (his vocals were also incorporated in the mix) but without the 3-D glasses, everything came out red/blue blurry. - VIDEO

Bon Jovi gave his first Grammy performance, starting with “We Weren’t Born to Follow” before dueting with Sugarland singer Jennifer Nettles (love her!) for “Who Says You Can’t Go Home”. Then, we learned that America had voted for Bon Jovi to sing *drumroll* …duh! Their anthem: “Livin’ On a Prayer” - woot woot! - VIDEO

In support of Haiti, Andrea Bocelli began with a beautiful, Italian rendition of “Bridge Over Troubled Water” before welcoming Mary J. Blige for a powerhouse, power-lunged duet. Those two got some PIPES. - VIDEO

The Dave Matthews Band sang “You and Me”, backed by an orchestra of talented high school musicians. - VIDEO

Maxwell brought out the falsetto for “Pretty Wings” and then Ms. Roberta Flack came aboard to sing “Where is the Love?”. - VIDEO

Guitar Hero Jeff Beck and singer Imelda May took on “How High the Moon.” - VIDEO

The ceremony’s final performance came from Lil Wayne, Eminem, Drake and Travis Barker (on the drums). CBS censored a bunch of the lyrics, but the guys had a blast on-stage. - VIDEO

Good times. List of winners below, and vote for your favorite performance of the evening!

Album Of The Year
I Am…Sasha Fierce, Beyoncé
The E.N.D., The Black Eyed Peas
The Fame, Lady Gaga
Big Whiskey And The GrooGrux King, Dave Matthews Band
WINNER: Fearless, Taylor Swift

Best Female Pop Vocal
“Hometown Glory,” Adele
WINNER: “Halo,” Beyonce
“Hot N Cold,” Katy Perry
“Sober,” Pink
“You Belong With Me,” Taylor Swift

Best Rap/Sung Collaboration
“Ego,” Beyonce and Kanye West
“Knock You Down,” Keri Hilson, Kanye West, Ne-Yo
WINNER: “Run This Town,” Jay-Z, Kanye West, and Rihanna
“I’m on a Boat,” The Lonely Island and T-Pain
“Dead and Gone,” T.I. and Justin Timberlake

Best Rock Album
Black Ice, AC/DC
Live From Madison Square Garden, Eric Clapton & Steve Winwood
WINNER: 21st Century Breakdown, Green Day
Big Whiskey And The GrooGrux King, Dave Matthews Band
No Line On The Horizon, U2

Best Pop Vocal Album
WINNER: The E.N.D., The Black Eyed Peas
Breakthrough, Colbie Caillat
All I Ever Wanted, Kelly Clarkson
The Fray, The Fray
Funhouse, Pink

Record of the Year
“Halo,” Beyoncé
“I Gotta Feeling,” The Black Eyed Peas
WINNER: “Use Somebody,” Kings Of Leon
“Poker Face,” Lady Gaga
“You Belong With Me,” Taylor Swift

Best Comedy Album
Back From The Dead, Spinal Tap
WINNER: A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All!, Stephen Colbert
Internet Leaks, ”Weird Al” Yankovic
My Weakness Is Strong, Patton Oswalt
Suckin’ It For The Holidays, Kathy Griffin
Tall, Dark & Chicano, George Lopez

Best New Artist
WINNER: Zac Brown Band
Keri Hilson
MGMT
Silversun Pickups
The Ting Tings

Best Dance Recording
“Boom Boom Pow,” The Black Eyed Peas
“When Love Takes Over,” David Guetta & Kelly Rowland
WINNER: “Poker Face,” Lady Gaga
“Celebration,” Madonna
“Womanizer,” Britney Spears

Best Electronic/Dance Album
WINNER: The Fame, Lady Gaga
Divided By Night, Crystal Method
One Love, David Guetta
Party Rock, LMFAO
Yes, Pet Shop Boys

Best Country Album
The Foundation, Zac Brown Band
Twang, George Strait
WINNER: Fearless, Taylor Swift
Defying Gravity, Keith Urban
Call Me Crazy, Lee Ann Womack

Song Of The Year
“Poker Face,” Lady Gaga & RedOne, songwriters
“Pretty Wings,” Hod David & Musze, Songwriters
WINNER: “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It),” Thaddis Harrell, Beyoncé Knowles, Terius Nash & Christopher Stewart, Songwriters
“Use Somebody,” Caleb Followill, Jared Followill, Matthew Followill & Nathan Followill, songwriters
“You Belong With Me,” Liz Rose & Taylor Swift, songwriters

Best Alternative Music Album
Everything That Happens Will Happen Today, David Byrne & Brian Eno
The Open Door, Death Cab For Cutie
Sounds Of The Universe, Depeche Mode
WINNER: Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, Phoenix
It’s Blitz!, Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Best R&B Album
WINNER: Blacksummer’s Night, Maxwell
The Point of It All, Anthony Hamilton
Testimony: Vol. 2, Love & Politics, India.Arie
Turn Me Loose, Ledisi
Uncle Charlie, Charlie Wilson

Best Contemporary R&B Album
WINNER: I Am…Sasha Fierce, Beyoncé
Intuition, Jamie Foxx
The Introduction Of Marcus Cooper, Pleasure P
Ready, Trey Songz
Thr33 Ringz, T-Pain

Best Rap Album
Universal Mind Control, Common
WINNER: Relapse, Eminem
R.O.O.T.S., Flo Rida
The Ecstatic, Mos Def
The Renaissance, Q-Tip

Best Metal Performance
WINNER: “Dissident Aggressor,” Judas Priest
“Set to Fail,” Lamb of God
“Senior Peligro,” Ministry
“Hate Worldwide.” Slayer
“Head Crusher,” Megadeth

Best Jazz Instrumental Album, Individual Or Group
Quartet Live, Gary Burton, Pat Metheny, Steve Swallow & Antonio Sanchez
Brother To Brother, Clayton Brothers
WINNER: Five Peace Band — Live, Chick Corea & John McLaughlin Five Peace Band
Remembrance, John Patitucci Trio
The Bright Mississippi, Allen Toussaint

Best Gospel Performance
”Free To Be Me,” Francesca Battistelli
”Jesus Is Love,” Heather Headley Featuring Smokie Norful
”I Believe,” Jonny Lang With Fisk Jubilee Singers
WINNER: ”Wait On The Lord,” Donnie McClurkin Featuring Karen Clark Sheard
”Born Again,” Third Day Featuring Lacey Moseley

Best Latin Pop Album
5to Piso, Ricardo Arjona
Te Acuerdas…, Francisco Céspedes
WINNER: Sin Frenos, La Quinta Estación
Hu Hu Hu, Natalia Lafourcade
Gran City Pop, Paulina Rubio

Best Contemporary Blues Album
This Time, The Robert Cray Band
The Truth According To Ruthie Foster, Ruthie Foster
Live: Hope At The Hideout, Mavis Staples
Back To The River, Susan Tedeschi
WINNER: Already Free, The Derek Trucks Band

Best Reggae Album
Rasta Got Soul, Buju Banton
Brand New Me, Gregory Isaacs
Awake, Julian Marley
WINNER: Mind Control — Acoustic, Stephen Marley
Imperial Blaze, Sean Paul

Best Americana Album
Together Through Life, Bob Dylan
WINNER: Electric Dirt, Levon Helm
Willie And The Wheel, Willie Nelson & Asleep At The Wheel
Wilco (The Album), Wilco
Little Honey, Lucinda Williams

Best Contemporary World Music Album
Welcome To Mali, Amadou & Mariam
WINNER: Throw Down Your Heart: Tales From The Acoustic Planet, Vol. 3 — Africa Sessions, Béla Fleck
Day By Day, Femi Kuti
Seya, Oumou Sangare
Across The Divide: A Tale Of Rhythm & Ancestry, Omar Sosa

Best Musical Album For Children
American Heroes #3, Jonathan Sprout
Banjo To Beatbox, Cathy & Marcy With Special Guest Christylez Bacon
WINNER: Family Time, Ziggy Marley
Great Day, Milkshake
Jumpin’ & Jammin’, Greg & Steve
Pete Seeger Tribute — Ageless Kids’ Songs, Buck Howdy

Best Classical Album
Bernstein: Mass, Marin Alsop, conductor
WINNER: Mahler: Symphony No. 8; Adagio From Symphony No. 10, Michael Tilson Thomas, conductor
Ravel: Daphnis Et Chloé, James Levine, conductor
Ravel: L’Enfant Et Les Sortilèges, Alastair Willis, conductor
Shostakovich: The Nose, Valery Gergiev, conductor

*Happy Dance*

Earlier this week, we learned that American Idol winner Kris Allen and (now officially gay) runner-up Adam Lambert have signed record deals with 19 Recordings. Kris is with 19/Jive and Adam with 19/RCA.

But it’s no secret that Fourth Place’s awkward-but-amazing rocker teen Allison Iraheta was the contestant keeping my lighter aflame all season, so I’m stoked that 19 has officially announced that Allison is signed too - with Jive Records! Her debut album is expected to have a fall ‘09 release. Holla at that.

Ahhhh, after an oft-infuriating season of Idol, all is right in the world again. Kris, Adam and Allison were the rightful Idol contestants to be in the Final 3 and at least the record label agrees!

Hm, speaking of third-place-finisher/blood-curdling screamer Danny Gokey, surely someone soooo beloved by the Idol judges has a record deal as well? A spokesperson at 19 responds, “There’s nothing to report just yet.”

Aw, snap!

Every American Idol fan should watch Jim Cantiello’s snarky “American Idol in 60 Seconds” videos on MTV.com. So rather than recap last night’s elimination of Danny Gokey (finally!), let me just leave you with Jim’s thoughts - which perfectly and hilariously mirror my own (hint: there’s dancing involved!). Enjoy!

So, who’ll be the Idol: Adam Lambert or Kris Allen? Be sure to tune in to the season finale of American Idol next week to find out!

In prep for tonight’s American Idol, I’d like to make a wee suggestion that people STOP VOTING FOR DANNY GOKEY. I’ve tolerated Dopey McGokey all season, but let’s face it: he hasn’t “brung it” for many weeks, had a sooo-awful-it’s-laughable performance last week AND remains narcissistic and unaware that he is capable (lord almighty is he capable) of not singing well - at all.

Has anyone else noticed that he’s started applauding for himself after his songs (even when they’re sub-par)? Reality-check needed, ASAP! Get this d-bag off my TV screen.

True, I’m still recovering from the trauma that Allison Iraheta was eliminated after she completely outshined Danny and his disastrous rendition of “Dream On” last week, but admit it, America: Danny sounded like he was being eaten alive by the flesh-eating scarab beetles from The Mummy. He did not deserve to stay.

Well, Danny’s crap-o-meter went off the charts over the weekend. Have you seen the hot scrambled mess of his “Billie Jean” performance? Danny completely forgets the words and tries to pathetically cover up with church choir “improvisation”. First butchering Aerosmith and now Michael Jackson - his musical massacres are sacrilegious! Someone put a stop to this! Thankfully, he had a fierce back-up singer to cover for his misgivings:

That’s not an impressive demonstration of his skillz as an artist, or say an “American Idol”. Time to get the boot! Do you think the Idol producers will air this footage during tonight’s “hometown visit” episode? *fingers crossed*

So Rock night on American Idol could have been some kind of hot mess, but was pretty decent and fun to watch. I knew things would be good when Kara Dioguardi came out looking like a teenager in a “rock and roll girl” Halloween costume: pompadour ponytail, black leather jacket, eyeliner. Don’t try so hard, Dioguardi and stop taking notes from the Paula Abdul School of Female Judges are Unpredictable and Weird. More on this later.

In short? Danny Gokey needs to go home. More? Ok, you twisted my arm:

Adam Lambert - Whole Lotta Love (VIDEO): Rock should be right up Adam’s alley and I suppose he delivered alright while wearing more guyliner than Kara. I would like to propose an American Idol drinking game where you take a shot everytime Adam punctuates a verse with that head-toss-to-side move. I’d be tanked by the end of his jam. This number was shaky for me. He had some wonky screamy bit in the middle, but overall he was who he is. Oh Adam, still so flamboyant and pretty, but it’s working for you, so go on with your ladyboy self. What the puff ‘n stuff was Kara huff huffin? She was hysterical (as in nuts, not as in funny) with her frothy, fangurl, dorky, flailing, screamed praise to Adam. I love how, during her neverending fist pumping “YES! YES! YES!” at the end, even Simon had to turn to her in disbelief and say, “…KARA!” like “Wtf woman, calm down - you’re embarrassing yourself.”

Allison Iraheta - Cry Baby (VIDEO): Allison had a lot to live up to being known as the “rocker chick” and she did okay overall with some brill moments in the middle. But the judges gave some accurate feedback that maybe she should’ve picked a song that had more variation in the melody. Still, FINALLY little Allison got some excellent feedback from Simon (and Kara) about being so young and still having such a commanding stage presence (which I think America has just taken for granted, btw). I would’ve loved a more Joplin-esque, guttural wail on the “Cryyyyy babyyyyyyy!” bits, but hey, she did what she could. And what do we think about Allison sassing Simon about saying she doesn’t talk enough and calling him out on dissing her song choice? At first it was a little combative and uncomfortable (as most things involving Allison off-stage tend to be), but he seemed to repsect her more for it and we’ll see if America wasn’t put off (fingers crossed!).

Danny Gokey and Kris Allen Duet - Renegade (VIDEO): Eh, I guess I agree with Randy. Their harmonies were nice. I was sort of bored with the song. I wonder if Danny’s sick because his voice was not so hot all night. Although he did manage to shout all over Kris at the end, drowning the poor little guy out. Sheesh, way to share the duet, Gokey.

Kris Allen - Come Together (VIDEO): I love this song, and I really thought Kris did much better than Simon and Kara said. Agree with Paula (gulp) that he seemed a little blah on the energy. Still, he’s always better with his guitar and he made the version pretty original. With the exception of his failure to make me feel during, “One thing I can tell you is you go to be free”, I enjoyed it - he made such a popular song his own (something the judges were harping about with Allison), so I give monkey-face Kris props. One thing I can tell you - much better than Gokey!

Danny Gokey - Dream On (VIDEO): Ok America, I’ve been more than patient with Danny and his douchebaggery these past weeks. He’s had some good moments, but more stale/vanilla/overly-self-congratulatory performances, and tonight? “Danny Gokey?” More like “Danny Singin in NO-key!” (Haaarrrr). But seriously, I love Aerosmith’s “Dream On” and his attempt at the last note literally makes me burst out laughing every time I hear it because it’s so atrocious. And he’s oblivious! “I guess I need to go back and watch it again.” Don’t bother re-watching because I can describe it to you, Danny. The word “butchered” comes to mind, along with “desecrated”, “massacred” and “took a dump on”.

I’m annoyed that the judges didn’t rip him apart for that awful performance (at least Simon called him out on the final note). I mean he was a joke, but all they said was, “That wasn’t so good, but this isn’t your genre, so you still deserve praise!” And I thought Kara was supposed to be “in the know” of the music industry. So why did she tell Danny he should have instead tackled “Aerosmith’s earlier work like ‘Crazy’ or ‘Crying’”? Uh, last I checked, “Dream On” was on their debut album in the 70’s and “Crazy” and “Crying” came out decades later in the 90’s. Kara, you d-bag.

Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta Duet - Slow Ride (VIDEO): Well, that was cute. I wouldn’t have picked Foghat because it’s sort of a slow ride of a song (see what I did there?), but at least we got to see the two “rockers” jam together. I think Allison felt more comfortable and she was so adorbs with her stompy, shoulder swingy dance moves. Did anyone else feel like Adam’s voice was more feminine than Allison’s? That’s…weird. At least they were entertaining, had good chemistry and their platonic cuddly-hugs were delightful. Selfishly, I hope that Allison will piggyback on some of Adam’s fans and get some votes! She’s too good to leave before Danny!

Who’s in the bottom? Danny for sure. I’ll be upset if anyone else leaves besides him. Danny’s never been in the Bottom 3 all season. Let’s make history tomorrow night, America! Tune in to American Idol tonight for the results.

Wait, am I on drugs? Did I miss the memo that “American Idol Rat Pack night” actually meant “Opposite Day“?

Cuz maybe that would explain why: Paula Abdul’s dress was inside-out, I totally disagreed with Simon’s critiques (panning Kris and Allison and pimping Danny and Matt) and Randy stated that this is just a singing competition and connection to the audience isn’t really that big of a deal. What the franks?

Kris Allen - The Way You Look Tonight (VIDEO): Wow, Kris tried to really sex it up because his notes were soooo sloooowww annnnd breaaathyyy. I guess his fans will love that though, so way to know your audience, Allen. I, however, was overly distracted by his funny little mustache. *chants* “Shave it! Shave it!” He’s also still singing out of the side of his mouth like Popeye, but some things will never change (shaving the pre-adolescent stache CAN be swiftly remedied though).

Allison Iraheta - Someone to Watch Over Me (VIDEO): Awww, this lil gal is too cute and awkward (cuawk-ward!) to keep getting overlooked! Sadly, things don’t look good for Miss Allison if the holy trinity of Adam, Danny and Kris stays strong. I thought tonight was a huge improvement on Allison’s ‘image’ because the producers showed more of her dorky, self-deprecating personality. She’s just a wee youngster and pretty immature, but that’s what makes the maturity of her performances stand out even more, especially when she softens up for ballads like this. IMO, she could’ve dialed down some of the notes for a smoother feel (is her voice getting scratchier lately?) and simmered on all the “H” sounds before it got too Stewie “Cool hhWhip” Griffin (”Someone to hhh’watch hh’over me”), but overall it was an excelente performance and she looked fantastic (loved the dress & black/burgundy hair).

Matt Giraud - My Funny Valentine (VIDEO): Matty Timberlake still hasn’t impressed me. Matt fans, it’s safe to say you should stop trying to convince me to like him cuz (get ready for overused phrase of 2009) it is what it is. I’m just not that into him. Matt won Simon over (WHAT? For that messy, pitchy performance?), but Randy gave some negative feedback that sounded something like, “Yo, for me… *Peanuts trombone adult noise* For ME… *waungh waungh waungh* for me, dawg.” I was amused when Kara said Matt “wasn’t the leader of the pack and lacked emotional connection” - to which he replied in a complete monotone of feigned shock: “What.” Way to fight for yourself, Giraud.

Danny Gokey - Come Rain Come Shine (VIDEO): Wow, I must’ve really missed something here because I didn’t connect to Danny at all on this song. It didn’t feel genuine or fit his voice. Even when he “took it to church” at the end, he just became Shouty McGrowly as ushz and the melody/tone didn’t translate. The judges totally disagreed with me though and Randy stated that it doesn’t matter for the Idols to “connect to the audience” or have personality because the show’s only about singing. That goes against everything the judges have ever told contestants and I declare it as stupid.

Adam Lambert - Feeling Good (VIDEO): Is it necessary for him to stick his tongue allllll the way out of his mouth for the belting notes? Personally, hearing Adam’s rendition just made me want to hear Michael Buble’s version instead (VID). You know, this guy pretty much has it in the bag, so I’m just trying to accept it and start acclimating my ear drums to those freakishly shrill notes. I can’t wait til it’s 2020 and we all look back on Adam as one of those people who was just SO trendy that he embodies one or two years before becoming outdated (”Ohmigod, Adam Lambert. Remember him and his flat-ironed, black/blue-dyed hair and sweeping bangs?? He was sooo 2009!”). Sometimes Adam has this nervous grit-teeth smile that makes me really uncomfortable for him. Especially when he’s listening to the judges and follows up with his standard, ever-so-gentle replies of, “*chuckle* Thanks, it was fun. I had fun.” Man, he’s kind of a bore when he isn’t performing.

So who’s at the bottom? Matt and Danny for me, but I worry for Allison y’all. Can we keep her in so she can have a chance at the Rock theme next week? Kthanksbye. Catch American Idol to find out what happens!

So American Idol’s Top 6 (plus Matt Giraud) took on the ominous DISCO theme last night. I was tempted to lessen the pain by downing Advil like Altoids and rummaging for earmuffs - I’m not a disco fan and could only imagine the horrors to come from our Top 6 (plus Matt).

[Randy Jackson transition] HOWEVS, I gotta admit that the gang mixed things up and transformed the tacky tunes into bearable ballads. Well, almost all of them…

Lil Rounds - I’m Every Woman (VIDEO): Can we send her home already? I love this Chaka Khan/Whitney Houston ‘empowered lady’ anthem but once again Lil’s vocals were off and bland, and her same ol’ “point and give sassy, wide-eyed stare at audience” act was unimpressive and uninviting.

Kris Allen - She Works Hard For The Money (VIDEO): Kris slowed down the number, busted out his Jason Mraz flava, acoustic guitar and a few congo/bongo drum players. Oh, and his side-mouthed, monkey underbite faces, too. Hell, it was original, and I still think he made a mistake by getting married so young because the ladies a’looove him!

Danny Gokey - September (VIDEO): DANNY, WHYYYYYYYYY ARE YOU YELLING AT MEEEE? Wow, how rough was his first yelling note? I agreed with Simon that there was something awkward and, dare I say, boring about Danny’s movements while he sang. Also, sometimes he hits good notes, but other times I just feel like he’s shouting his notes loudly at me (not to be confused with Adam Lambert’s projectile shrieking).

Allison Iraheta - Hot Stuff (VIDEO): Ok, being an Allison fan I can admit that for the past two weeks, she hasn’t given her best performances AND YET the judges are finally giving her the hoopty hoopty hoopla praise that she deserves being the youngest contestant with mighty fine singing and performing chops. I’m torn. She deserves it, but just not now per se. She had some good growly tigress moments, but was anyone else semi-disturbed that this teen was singing a song about being desperate for a bounty of booty calls? *slowly raises hand*

Adam Lambert - If I Can’t Have You (VIDEO): I guess I like Adam more when he tones it down. I enjoyed this performance although his permanent knit-brow of “I’m feeling such angst and pain now” was too much. Let’s just get this charade over with and give the guy his title of American Idol. Sers.

Matt Giraud - Staying Alive (VIDEO): Y’all know how miffed I was w/Matt being saved from elimination last week, so all I can say is he was a really shabby Justin Timberlake wannabe and I am beyond over him.

Anoop Desai - Dim All the Lights (VIDEO): Anoop’s sweaty upper lip was ALMOST hidden by his new facial hair, but not quite. You can’t fool me, Noop Dawg McSweats! But it’s all good, he did ok, but his remaining time on Idol will be short. He’s missing the extra Pop Rocks POW of star quality. Fo shiz.

EDIT- ELIMINATION RESULTS: The two eliminated contestants were announced at the time of this posting. Lil and Anoop were the casualties *sarcastic sad trombone*. Though I really wish Matt Giraud left before Anoop, I can handle this. I’m still disturbed that Allison was yet again in the Bottom 3 (BELOW Matt Giraud, America? SERIOUSLY?). How will I bring myself to watch this show once Allison is voted out? Dunno if I have the tolerance to be shrieked, shouted or monkey-faced at…Save Allison, y’all! Too much testosterone up in the hizzouse!

Next week the Top 5 sing Rat Pack Standards. Anything’s better than Disco. Sultry me to death, Idols. I’m begging ya!

Oh helllllllllll no!

Matt “forehead mole” Giraud got saved from American Idol elimination last night. Get ready for a rant, readers:

Season 8 of American Idol has been sub-par (so-so Top 36, scattered judges, crappy camera work, shabby musical accompanyment). One of the interesting things I’ve been holding out for was the addition of the new “Judges’ Save” (*cue dramatic muzac*).

The judges were given the power to save a contestant from elimination just once this season (until the Top 5). In theory, this would give a 2nd chance to a deserving-but-shafted contestant.

With all due respect to Señor “Dueling Pianos” Giraud, Matt hasn’t consistently sang well enough to be kept around for another week. Beyond his poor song choices, he does too much riffing over melodies and chokes a lot under pressure. With the exception of Lil Rounds, he just lacks the intuition and cajones to be “the Idol” over the other contestants. Plus, his “sing for your life” performance sucked last night!

The fact is Matt won’t get close to winning so why keep him around? If anything the judges should have reserved their Save for the horrible scenario that the far more crowd-pleasing Allison Iraheta or Kris Allen prematurely get the boot in the next weeks.

It’s nice that the contestants are tight and really wanted to keep Matt around, but c’monnnn. You kids will see him all summer long on your American Idol Concert Tour. Matt just ain’t all that and his save means next week, the bottom two contestants will definitely get eliminated (and it’s DISCO NIGHT, gross). If it’s anyone besides Matt and Lil, I will be pissed and I’ll take my anger to the streets!

Annnd cut! Wow, that was TERRIBLY boring, wasn’t it? The Top 7 American Idol contestants picked songs that were blander than Corn Flakes for “Songs from the Cinema” night. What a let down!

Not to mention that director Quentin Tarantino was this week’s mentor - so much potential but he clearly served no purpose because 1) the show stank, and 2) all of the advice he gave to contestants (Anoop should growl, Danny shouldn’t gesticulate) was ignored. Ain’t no love for you, QT. Don’t quit cher day job.

Allison Iraheta - Don’t Want to Miss a Thing (VIDEO): I‘m finally getting behind Allison 100% because she’s a sweet teen weirdo with some PIPES and I’m into that. I mean, I bought her mp3 of last week’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me” on iTunes (how did FOX get me, dammit?)! Anywho, “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” is such a BORE of a song and besides that one belting high note (at “Yeah (yeah) / Yeah (yeah) / YEAAAAAAAAHHH!”), her singing was a little uneven. At least Simon finally gave Alli some heavy praise (too bad he waited til this weaker performance!). It’s looking like Kris + Adam for Final 2, but I’d love for Allison to go against Adam cuz this show’s becoming a sausage fest.

Anoop Desai - Everything I Do (VIDEO): Anoop’s sweaty lip was back tonight but I really enjoy when he sings these honey sweet ballads with his eager puppy (’noop) dog eyes. He’s too blah as meh to get to the finals, but I appreciate his melody changes and sugary voice. The invitation for him to serenade me to sleep nightly remains wide open.

Adam Lambert - Born to be Wild (VIDEO): It’s a lil annoying that Adam gets blatant heaps of fancy camera work and unique musical arrangements during his numbers compared to the others. *SCINTILLATING LIGHTNING BACKGROUND, cut to DRUMMER GOING NUTS, ZOOM IN on ADAM’S TONGUE, create EXCITING ROCK AND ROLL ATMOSPHERE* Now either Adam deserves props for being a genius who isn’t afraid to demand that the band & show do what he wants, orrrrr Idol‘s producers are kissing his bunscheeks soo tightly that they haven’t come up for air. Adam’s saving grace? I’d love him to win just to have middle America (possibly unknowingly) vote for the bold, gay musical theatre kid. Not Clay Aiken-closeted “gay”, but Adam Lambert pride parade throwing, drag queen dressing, tongue down mens’ throats (PIC) “super gay”. Super gay is OK, red states. Just go with it.

Matt Giraud - Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman (VIDEO): Nope, still not into Matt’s sour puss face. I agreed with the judges that the song started out fine until he tried to mix up the melody and wonkified the whole vibe of the song at the end - from sultry to silly. Blech. I did however, notice how very often Randy says, “Yo dawg, so for me for you this was [Randy's opinion]. I dunno - just how it was for me.” More on this during Kris Allen’s performance. And hey, what was with Simon dry heaving during Kara’s comments? Raar!

Danny Gokey - Endless Love (VIDEO): “Endless Love” bores me to tears, dears. Throw Vanilla Gokey into the mix and well, I’m not so impressed. I also thought Danny was really breathless during the song. Eh for me. Yes, even despite the romantic harp player and gauzy camera focus. Next!

Kris Allen - Falling Slowly (VIDEO): I loved the “will he or won’t he play guitar for this song?” teaser. Then they showed us a close-up of man-hands on a guitar so we assumed it was Kris, until the camera panned out and it was…CARL WINSLOW from Family Matters! Okay, not actually, but that guitarist (Paul Jackson Jr. - PIC) looks so much like Carl Winslow!

TANGENT: I have a theory that the last name of “Winslow”, made famous on Family Matters, works well with any first name. E.g. from this season’s folks: Simon Winslow, Randy Winslow, Paula Winslow, Allison Winslow, Adam Winslow, Kris Winslow, Anoop Winslow, Lil Winslow - you get what I’m saying. Try it with your own name. /TANGENT

And we’re back to Kris. I thought he needed more grit to deliver the song as well as the original, but he pulled off the high notes with his usual dislocated chimpanzee jaw face. The best part (besides the Carl Winslow guitarist) was Randy saying, “For me, for you it never quite caught on…for me.” And then Kara piping in “For me– for me– for me…” Madness! It was all just too much for me (boo yah!).

Lil Rounds - The Rose (VIDEO): I thought Lil made a decent effort to throw some gospel into “The Rose”. She didn’t do that well, but it was OK. Plus, she woke me up by sassing Simon for not giving her more credit for turning the song into an R&B/gospel number. Maybe she didn’t deserve that credit, but hell, the exchange was the most interesting thing to happen on the show.

Bottom three in terms of performance: Lil, Matt and Danny. Who should go home? Lil. No charisma, never sells the songs…at least for me, dawg.

I tuned into American Idol for the singing, but I just came away with a lot of comments on the hair and fashion (maybe if the performances were stronger that wouldn’t be an issue). The song theme was “Top iTunes Downloads” which I proclaim to be gross. Maybe next week will be “Coca Cola Commercial Jingles of the Past” or “Songs That You Can Sing In a Ford Fusion“.

Before I recap, let me being with this open letter to AI’s BACK-UP SINGERS: 1) Try not to drown out the contestants and 2) if you accidentally do, then at least sing in the CORRECT key! Sincerely, Erin.

And we’re off!

Anoop Desai - Caught Up (Video): I was worried Anoop Dawg was going to perform with the Dirty Sanchez mustache he was sporting during his interview packet, but thankfully he shaved it (are you paying attention, Kris Allen?). Unfortunately, he wore a blazer with shoulder pads so big it recalled Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation look. Not a very good song choice or performance - Anoop was singing with a sneering, stank face the whole time. The back-up singers wonked up royally too.

Megan Joy - Turn Your Lights Down Low (Video): Oh no, no, no. I thought M. Joy might pull off Bob Marley but she was off-key and lacked the sexy “smooveness” the song deserves. Also grating? That Megan sings with the diction of a MinneSOHtan townsperson, don’tcha know? And what’s with ALL the necklaces? Those aren’t amulets, woman. I will not forgive your terrible performance just because you look like you robbed a Claire’s.

Danny Gokey - What Hurts The Most (Video): Judges loved him but no goosebumps for me… Gauging by the deep squinchiness of Danny’s face and the spittle shooting out of his mouth during the number, he gave a “passionate” performance. But yeah, I dunno. *shrug*

Allison Iraheta - Don’t Speak (Video): Oh Allison…my little Idol fave and the reason I tune in. I hate that the judges again wasted time on her critique to talk about her outfit. Poor Al, she’s becoming the red-headed stepchild of the show and deserves way better! Actually, her hair was really too much - like two separate hairdos duking it out on her noggin with an innocent bow caught in the middle. Distracting. The judges said she looked like a kid trying too hard, but hello, she is a kid! She did aight, but not her best. I’m tempted to request she sing something by Paramore - would that work? Either way, I hope she makes it through.

Scott MacIntyre - Just The Way You Are (Video): Goodness, that haircut is an improvement, though you’re still not quite as handsome as your hot brother, Scott! Cut it even shorter and it’ll be perfect. I made notes that despite improvement, Scott’s performance was “another pitchy bore”. I appreciate that he’s genuine, but “genuine” doesn’t equal a hit artist — unless you’re Ginuwine. Most interesting part was that just when I thought Paula was hopped up on Jesus Juice, she used the phrase “legato performance.” What!? I can’t handle you, Maestro Abdul!

Matt Giraud - You Found Me (Video): Ok, I wasn’t imagining things because Matt’s forehead mole was back in full force last night (PIC). I’m sorry, I don’t get this guy. The stubble and mole and breathy-nervous performance? Not winning me over.

Lil Rounds - Surrender (Video): That wig’s bangs was all kinds of askew! The song was gloomy and dull. Again, the off-key back-up singers need to PIPE DOWN. But yeah, Lil still fails to impress me. I don’t think I’ll ever complain if she goes home. Truth hurts.

Adam Lambert - Play That Funky Music (Video): The pompadour hair and pompous performer are back. I didn’t get into Adam’s caterwauling at all. Am I the only American not into it? All the shrill blasts sounded desperate and forced to me, like, “Oh crap, I’m losing the audience - quick! I need to do that screechy thing that riles a reaction out of them even if it’s not an appropriate moment in the song - WWWWEEEEAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHAYYY!”

Kris Allen - Ain’t No Sunshine (Video): Ah, another judges’ golden child that I’m not into. I’ll admit that it was a good performance, but it doesn’t mean I’m happy about it (I’m a hater)! Kris still looks like Hal Sparks taking a dump when he sings and his mic picked up his Darth Vader breathing at the end, but he’s a looker and coming into his own. Bollocks! BTW Kris, you picked the wrooong time to get married, son. Think of all the ladies (and gents?) that would grovel at your stampy guitar-dancing feet. Wifey Allen better watch out is all I’m sayin.

Megan Joy was the worst of the night, but I’m fine if she or Scott go. Please get it right, America. Thanks! Tune in to American Idol tonight for the results!