Did you check the expiration date? I think this Jam has gone bad.

In case you’re not someone into cool indie music, I’m gonna let you in on a little underground performer that is just full of raw talent. Her name is Kim Kardashian and in March she released a single called Jam, which is about…having fun or something? Don’t worry, you’ll hear all about it during Grammy season when it sweeps the awards. It’s an infinitely hummable tune (like the hum of a swarm of killer bees repeatedly stinging your eardrums) which I assume is dominating in dance clubs across the country, because this thing just makes you want to move. I mean I heard it while driving and I almost jumped out of my moving car! As I mentioned the song is called “Jam,” which is actually a shortened version of the working title “Jam (Cotton balls Into My Ears Oh God I Can Still Kind of Hear a Muffled Version Through the Cotton Make it Stop)”.

But did you know that making incredibly horrible awesome and meaningless soul-searching music is in the Kardashian blood? That’s right, Mama Kardashian (aka Kris Jenner) released her own song in the 80s that puts Kim’s to shame. Seriously, it is amazing. Watch it. It’s a song called “I Love My Friends,” and it is about the fact that she loves her friends. She names places they eat at, places they shop at, and even things they do together! Watch out Bob Dylan, Kris Jenner is out to make your lyrics look contrived and juvenile. Cheesecake Factory! Baby showers! My favorite part of the exceptionally well made video is when Kris is inexplicably singing in her workout room (in mega-80s workout gear) and we can see the cameraman in the mirror. Quality!

Check out the video below! I’m telling you, it is so worth it.

EEK!

If the Kardashian/Jenner/Odom/Disick Family Christmas Photo isn’t a Photoshop wonder, then I don’t know what is!  Very Addams Family, no?  I think the concept is an interesting choice for a holiday card—you don’t really think of grays and neutrals when it comes to the holidays, but hey, maybe The Kardashian Klan had a tough year.  Oh, who are we kidding: this photo is insane.  The kid on the left (Kylie or Kendall, which makes her either 13 or 15, yikes!) looks like Morticia Addams, and that dress is doing her no favors.  Scott Disick, far right, looks like Patrick Bateman’s creepier brother.  And what, on earth, is on Kim’s neck?  She looks like Frankenstein bolts are sticking out of the base of her neck!  Maybe they’re not bolts, but are Kris’ claws, digging into her prized cash cow and holding on for dear life!  Everyone (and I do mean everyone) has so much eyeliner on, I’m surprised their eyes are open at all—although, to be fair, everyone’s pupils look so dilated, their eyes may as well be closed. There are clearly some dark, mysterious forces at work in this photo, and not just the makeup.

Is it possible for wedding ceremonies to jump the shark?  ‘Cuz I think the jig is up for celebrity Hindu ceremonies, ya’ll.  First it was Elizabeth Hurley and Arun Nayar (not sure who they are?  Scroll down to Tuesday’s post).  Then it was Katy Perry and Russell Brand (because if there’s any couple to emulate, it’s one of those two!).  And now, allegedly, it’s Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt sometime around New Year’s Eve.  India is the trendy place, Hindu ashrams are the trendy site, and gurus are the trendy ministers.  Who knew?  The wedding will take place (allegedly!) at Guru Gurudev Ramlalji Siyag’s temple in Jodhpur, Rajasthan.  This guru fellow helped Brangelina by way of couple’s yoga.  Yes.  Couple’s yoga to ease their troubled and stressful lives!  Would we could all be so lucky!  I bet Angie will wear red, and Brad will be resplendent in black leather, and all the kids will be in white.  Does this mean we’ll soon cycle past Hindu, like we did with Kabbalah, and on to something else?  My guess is Scientology as the next big thing (and current sleeper big thing).  Just you wait!

-This post brought to you by DIANA

Toilet paper?  Crepe paper?  Papier-mâché?

Miley Cyrus, Disney star, Disney hater, possessor of terrible fashion sense, turns eighteen today, folks.  How did she celebrate?  By going to the American Music Awards (and seriously, just how many music awards shows are there, and are they really necessary?!)!  Based on her dress, I think she was sponsored by Charmin or Quilted Northern—they aren’t kidding with that ‘so soft so strong’ stuff, are they!  She was not nominated, so it’s no surprise that she didn’t win a damn thing.  After the show (which had the lowest ratings EVER this year, possibly because Justin “The Beaver” Bieber won everything he was nominated for), Miley and her friends went to a club, where she and her soon-to-be-divorcee mother Tish did a choreographed dance together.  Why? Because people LOVE it, says Miley!  And her mom is a great dancer, even though she’s like forty, she’s with it!  I’M MILEY CYRUS!!  Horse teeth flash.

P!nk showed up with hubster Carey Hart—you know she’s pregnant?  Good for her!  Taylor Swift got her hair did and straightened, and looked like a sad version of Avril Lavigne, who was also there, looking like an awesome version of herself (now, if she’d just dump Brody Jenner…).  I love Nicki Minaj’s music,  but her dress was beyond insanity.  I also caught a glimpse of Michael Costello (boy, anyone can get into these things!) from Project Runway, as he rocked out to NKOTBSB—because…

Also in attendance at the AMAs were the New Kids on the Block (!!) and the Backstreet Boys (minus Kevin Richardson, who left the band in 2006).  And they PERFORMED together, ya’ll!  At first, it’s totally awkward and weird, and then…well, it gets less weird, anyway.  You gotta hand it to NKOTB: they keep up with the BSB youngsters!  I think it’s Donny in the white hat, yes?  And Jordan, of course, is always recognizable.  This is all in preparation for their joint tour next summer!  It kicks off June 2^nd in Connecticut (more info here), and I hope they bring a masseuse along, ‘cuz the New Kids are gonna need one.  Check out the AMA performance before buying your tickets!

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America’s Next Top Model, I thought you were high class, but that might’ve been a lie.  What kind of nonsense are you perpetrating, putting gigantic women on roller skates and making them memorize lines?  And not even for a Cover Girl commercial, but some made up energy water drink?  Directed by Nigel Barker, who might be a ‘noted fashion photographer,’ but is not a ‘noted commercial director.’ Double you, tee, eff, Tyra.  But before that, before that!  It was the long awaited episode featuring Zac Posen, who is a mayjah designer, and a tiny little man, and friend to one Mizz Jay Alexander.  It was Top Model contestants and professional models going head to head and bitch to bitch in Zac Posen’s runway show, including Fatma Dabo from Project Runway Season 6!  See, the pro models were told to be bitches—that’s why they were mean!  To build character!  And probably to make Ann cry—mission successful!  And while it was probably quite painful seeing Ann slip and slide (and fall) on the roller skates was actually pretty funny.  Chris’ cheese factor finally paid off, as there was no photo shoot this week, and everything depended on the stupid commercial, and Chris can turn it out when it comes to big energy and enthusiasm.  Esther, on the other hand, walks like an amputee and has elocution problems, enough to land her in the bottom two with Ann (who clearly, clearly is not going home).  Bye bye, my favorite Modern Orthodox Jewish gal on my teevee!  I miss her already.

MTV’s docudrama 16 and Pregnant returned to the airwaves Tuesday night, but I wouldn’t exactly say it was a bang-up episode.  It was an exercise in learning that teens are gonna do what teens are gonna do.  Brooke Smitherman-Tarrant and her boyfriend/baby daddy/husband Cody Tarrant live with Brooke’s parents, race cars and raise goats.  Brooke’s mom not only taught Brooke how to use condoms, she kept them under the bathroom sink and made sure Brooke knew where they were.  And Brooke?  Well, this show’s not called 16 and Makes Good Decisions, right?  The wedding was nice—Brooke looked nice, anyway.  Cody looked a hot mess in a racing onesie, or whatever those things are called, but was it really necessary?  I guess they’ll get a tax break, but they had the most gigantic baby shower ever (well, not counting Phaedra’s!), are still in high school, and live with her parents, who want them out.  I like that Brooke’s mom was pretty pragmatic about the whole situation, but damn—your daughter married a guy who needed four chances to pass the high school exit exam!  I realize that academics are not his forte (“Cody doesn’t read!”), but for serious—he should probably stay home with the baby while Brooke works.  And Brody, though it is a combo of their names, is not a terrible name.  Just look how well it’s worked out for Brody Jenner!  These kids seem to be trying to do the best they can, though it will definitely help when Brooke graduates from high school and both of them can work.

What I really wish is that MTV would film a girl in an urban area, instead of the constant rural/suburban chicks.  Give me someone in Chicago, Milwaukee, Miami—somewhere different than country or subdivision, at least give me a coast instead of middle America!  Next week, we meet Felicia Cooke, who also lives in Texas (Lewisville).  Felicia is 17, and has a baby with her boyfriend, Mauricio.  Sneak peek below!  And spoiler: no one seems to be happy.  Surprised?  Me neither.

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“I am not a crook! Or a guy who does drugs with teens while naked!”

John Stamos is a free man! Oh, there was never a chance that he was going to jail because of this trial? Well…he’s still free! That’s right, the extortion case that brought Full House’s Uncle Jesse to court is finally over and he came out triumphant. And because it is 2010 and he is a celebrity, there was only one way to celebrate: send out a flurry of tweets about the verdict! It’s how all celeb court cases end! Too bad there was no Twitter during the OJ case, because those would have been some killer tweets!

The case came about when 24 year old Allison Cross and her creepy fiance contacted Stamos, claiming to have evidence and photos of him doing drugs and stripping in a hot tub with Cross 7 years earlier, when she was only 17. Come on! We all know it was Uncle Joey (aka Dave Coulier) who had a thing for younger girls! He did go out with Alanis Morissette when she was 19 and he was 33, and then managed to do something mean enough to inspire one of the great angsty songs of the 90’s, “You Oughtta Know.” I’m going to guess it was constantly doing his Popeye impression. Or maybe only saying he loved her through his puppet Mr. Woodchuck. Who knows, that guy is a weirdo. But back to Uncle Jesse! The couple demanded $680,000 to keep their mouths shut about the damning story, an oddly specific number that, when paired with the 7 year gap between the events and this blackmail, makes me think they ran into some form of trouble in the $680,000 range and had to go to the emergency plan: Operation Stamos. But guess what? The judge recognized that there was no evidence for their claims, and that blackmail, as it turns out, is still illegal, so the couple were convicted of conspiracy and two counts of extortion. Way to go Stamos!

In TV news, the series finale of The Hills finally aired on Tuesday, and who would have thought it would end with an M. Night Shyamalan style twist? Seriously, I think even the producers of Lost wish they had gone with this ending! The shocking ending? The show ended with a suggestion that the whole thing was (gasp!)…staged! No way! Next thing you’re going to tell me that Larry the Cable Guy isn’t actually a cable repairman at all! The series ended with stars Kristen Cavallari and Brody Jenner saying a tearful goodbye, only to reveal that it was being shot on a Hollywood sound-stage and was completely faked. Cavallari has already stated that the final scene was the only staged part to play with the constant rumors that it was scripted, but that everything else in the series has been real. Wow, kind of like when Michael Jackson claimed the only plastic surgery he ever had was one nose job when he broke it. I say good for you producers of The Hills! Ending the show with a moment of admission and commentary about the nature of “reality” shows was…well, kind of great and innovative. Two words I never thought I would use about The Hills.

You can watch the ending for yourself below!

Original cast of The Hills: so young!

We are now in the heart of summer, gentle readers.  The World Cup is over, the baseball All Star Home Run Derby was last night (won by David ‘Big Papi’ Ortiz of the Boston Red Sox), and the All Star Game is tonight.  Television doesn’t hold any big surprises for the next few weeks—except if you care who wins The Bachelorette (although winning doesn’t really seem to be worth it on that show)—especially now that Alex Wong was forced to leave So You Think You Can Dance.  And just like that, my interest in SYTYCD has waned.  He was the best thing about it for me, and while part of me hopes he does return next season, most of me hopes he continues with his professional career.  Fortunately, we will always have celebrities and the silly things they say and do.  Onward!

This might shock you, but Kristin Cavallari is actually acting on The Hills!  She is playing herself, not being herself.  That’s just nutty!  “Nothing you see on TV is real,” she told People.  “…when I decided to come back and do The Hills, I told myself it’s just a job.  It’s all work.  It’s all fun.”  So for all you HeyBro Brody Jenner/Kristin Cavallari ‘shippers out there, um, sorry.  The series ends for good tonight (I hear Lauren Conrad does not reappear in the final episode, but she is expected at the finale party), and there is fierce speculation that Spencer ‘Flesh Colored Beard’ Pratt will crash the finale party.  Ol’ Spence is staying at the Roosevelt, the site of the party, and who knows what he’ll do!  He’s crazy, remember?  Crazy like a fox!  No word on Heidi’s plans.  I don’t think she’s even still relevant.

Meanwhile, in the land of relevant reality television, Selma Blair is the celebrity guest judge on the season premiere of Project Runway (hitting Lifetime 9pm on July 29^th).  The new 90-minute show format allows for a more in depth look at challenges (or some bullpuckey like that), and seems like it will particularly help the premiere.   This season starts with 17 designers instead of the usual 16, and the first challenge will serve as the final part of the audition process!  And it sounds like it might immediately open a can of assholes: contestants will have 5 hours to design a garment using a signature piece from a fellow contestant’s luggage.  Yikes!  No word yet on whether Models of the Runway will be combined with Project Runway, or stay as a separate (mostly useless) show.

-This post brought to you by Diana

New Directions vs. Vocal Adrenaline: the new Jets vs. Sharks?

Tuesdays are a great night for television, aren’t they?  I mean—you have your American Idol, your Glee, your The Biggest Loser, your The Hills and The City.  It’s just a night with plenty of options.  I spent my evening flipping channels, mostly between Glee and The Biggest Loser (go Daris or Ashley!) and then settled on The Hills for the 10pm hour.  It was a night of ups and downs, highs and lows, laughs and cringes (The Hills.  Oy.)

Glee first.  Ever since the show began, fans have been calling for Idina Menzel to show up as Rachel Berry’s mom, due to the strong resemblance between Idina and Lea Michele, who plays the polarizing (love ‘er or hate ‘er!) prissy princess with the big voice.  Everyone who watches the show figured it was only a matter of time before the relationship was declared, once Idina started occasionally guest starring as Shelby Corcoran, director of the evilly talented and deviously amazing rival club Vocal Adrenaline.  It’s like the Jets and the Sharks!  Without the racial overtones and, you know, knives.  So anyway, no one was surprised when this week’s big reveal was that Shelby is indeed Rachel’s bio mom.  The bigger shock (if you can call it a shock) is that Jesse St. James IS playing Rachel like a cheap fiddle and won’t THAT be interesting if/when it all comes to a head.  I predict it happens around…Regionals.  If Regionals ever actually happens.  All in all, it was a great episode (non-revelatory revelations notwithstanding).  Joss Whedon directed, Neil Patrick Harris guest starred (please come back!), Artie (the wheelchair kid) got a couple great moments.  Did anyone else notice the guy from Heavy Impact (America’s Best Dance Crew) in the “Safety Dance” number?  I was completely distracted for a few minutes while trying to think why he looked familiar (it was the kinda heavy dude with the long hair).  Glee writers aren’t wasting any time: next week’s previews show Rachel confronting Shelby about her filial connection.

Aaaaaaand just when you thought it was safe to watch The Hills (hint: it’s never safe to watch The Hills), everyone on it continued acting like drunken foulmouthed toddlers.  Spencer’s Flesh-colored Beard has spread to his brain and he’s so David Koresh (and btdubs, Spencer’s parents have disowned him, if that still even means anything these days if your parents are people other than Donald Trump or Warren Hellman).  Heidi is a zombie, Kristin is Machiavelli, Brody is just a penis, and Audrina is like the Cowardly Lion: if only she had a brain.  On the upside, the ladies (plus Holly, Stephanie, and Lo; minus Heidi, of course) have decided to cut Speidi Pratag out of their circle and out of their lives.  Yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts!

-This post brought to you by DIANA

He’s wearing the most righteous tight red pants!

Ya’ll watched The Hills Tuesday night, right?  Don’t leave me hanging, bros!  Kristin Cavallari threw herself a housewarming barbecue, and all her little friends (as contractually obligated by MTV) attended.  We got to see heybro Brody Jenner with wingman Frankie Delgado in tow, dim bulb Audrina Patridge and her new boyfriend, famewhore Ryan Cabrera (whom she had to introduce as, “He’s a singer, a musician.  His name’s Ryan Cabrera,” because he’s totally 2004 and irrelevant and HOLY MOSES Audrina is probably better known at this point.) (and PS, didn’t he once reach for the sky and date Ashlee Simpson pre-nose job and pre-Pete Wentz?  Maybe I’m telling stories.).

This is about to turn into the most awkward party ever, guys. Anyz, Stephanie Pratt is there too, and Lo Bosworth is too (and she used to be awesome), but who cares, because the minute Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag show up, the show stops being The Hills and starts being The Breasts because Madre de Dios Heidi is wearing the most inappropriate barbecue outfit ever and I think it’s made of thousands of rubber bands.  Holy motherloving little apples, Heidi—I mean damn!  And then—then!  Audrina is like, “Nice dress,” which, really—what else can you say to a human Barbie?  And nobody but nobody wants to talk to Spencer (who, btdubs, is on some weird crystal kick and claims crystals have cured his rage blackouts, which as we see later in the episode is either clearly not true OR the man is far worse than even he realizes).  So, moving on, Audrina says “nice dress” and then Kristin is like “nice boobs” and they chat about how fragile Heidi still is, and then Audrina asks Heidi if she’s done with plastic surgeries, and Heidi says, “Well, I might want my boobs bigger because I want H’s for Heidi.”

That sound you just heard was my jaw repeatedly hitting the floor.  And then my head following.  And with all the crystal bling Spencer is sporting, I think he’s on his way to being the next L. Ron Hubbard or some other guru to the stars type nonsense.  Heidi might be his Tammy Faye Baker.

Also, Ry Cab goes in for a bro hug with Brody, and Brody gives him the cut direct (had to get a bit Regency there, sorry)!  So awesome.  Ry Cab does not look so good.  He looks like a troll doll.

Gawker posted an interesting article on why we should refrain from watching The Hills.  But really, Gawker, where was this op-ed three years ago?  The fame monster has won.

Not to beat a dead horse, but I have more news about Heidi Montag.  According to tabloid Life & Style, Heidi is upset her implants are not bigger, and is planning on having them enlarged in Europe in the next two months and film the process (not, one hopes, as part of The Hills).  Spencer’s flesh colored beard insists that he tries to stop her, but do we believe that?  Of course not.

Next week: the Brody/Audrina/Ry Cab love triangle (really?!?!?! Shouldn’t it be a square or a pentagon, with Avril Lavigne and/or Kristin in there?) triangulates, and Spencer calls Darlene (Heidi’s mom) “just a vagina.”  Um, awesome?

-This post brought to you by DIANA

Ok everybody, it’s Tuesday, April 27^th, 2010.  You know what that means: the final season of The Hills starts tonight on MTV.  It’s the beginning of the end, as if that wasn’t obvs after Heidi Montag had a bajillion nips, tucks, and implants to feel better about herself and pursue that dream of pop stardom.  And really, who doesn’t want a back scoop?

On tonight’s season premiere, viewers can finally see how Heidi’s mother Darlene reacts when faced with Heidi Barbie and her bosoms of glory.  HowEVER, Hillsies must never say die, because Laguna Beach it-girl and current The Hills biotchka extraordinaire Kristin Cavallari told E!’s Marc Malkin on Friday that MTV might double its order for this season, thus extending the madness by twelve episodes.  What’s happened that could add an extra six hours to the schedule?  Why, nothing other than Kristin and Brody Jenner (reportedly currently dating Avril Lavigne) rediscovering their luuuuurve for each other, that’s what!  Boy, that was sure convenient!  And, just in case you weren’t completely sure that this show is utter nonsense and fiction, there’s also the chance that original star Lauren ‘LC’ Conrad might make an appearance towards the end.  Says Kristin, “I think it would be great if she did (come back).  There are many different ways of bringing her back.”  One regular who will not be making more onscreen appearances is villain, douche overlord, and slimy nutbag Spencer Pratt, who has been kicked off the show (presumably for worse offenses than his flesh colored beard and rage issues).  No word on whether that has anything to do with Heidi’s accusations of alleged sexual harassment at the hands of The Hills creator Adam DiVello (because apparently Audrina Patridge and Kristin Cavallari would put up with it, but not Heidi!  She has morals!  And standards!  And fifteen more minutes of fame!).

Moving away from reality television!  Square Eyes’ most favorite man about town, Bret Michaels, remains in critical condition (with a still bleeding brain) at an undisclosed hospital.  We’re monitoring the situation and the competing news reports!  On the one hand,The Insider reports that a source close to Bret’s family has said that Bret will soon be undergoing surgery to relieve swelling around his brain and his condition is said to be deteriorating.  BUT, in competing breaking news, Mix 104.1 reports that Bret’s dad has said Bret is doing better, and is speaking.  I hope so, because I can’t imagine a world without Bret Michaels in it!  Send him good vibes, y’all!  Send ‘em!

Also, an all-Britney Spears episode of Glee?!  DO IT!

- This post brought to you by DIANA

Aw, HELL NO! Rumor patrol over at the MTV Remote Control Blog has let us in on a juicy hot new couple alert: Brody Jenner and… Whitney Port?

Apparently Hills hunk Brody Jenner has been spotted canoodling (their words - though let’s face it, I would’ve phrased it that way too) with City star Whitney Port mere weeks after his split with crazy ole Jayde Nicole.  Here’s the clubbin’ scoop from the New York Daily News:

“They didn’t come together, but Whitney ran over to see him the second he walked in,” said the NYDN’s eyewitness, who added that the former costars “stayed together for much of the evening” before leaving the club together.

Even better: MTV Remote Control has unaired footage of Whitney gabbing with buddy (and former Brody fling!) Lauren Conrad about the Brodester himself. Go check it out.

Thoughts?  What do we think of all this?  As a Whitney fan, I’m going to assume this is but a mere fling.  Let’s face it, a woman of such class and elegance couldn’t take a galoot like Brody Jenner seriously.  Sure, he’s hot… but not a whole lot going on upstairs, you feelin’ me?