Don’t forget, Tyra’s an author, too!

With Thanksgiving tomorrow, we can give thanks for the continued frenzy and insanity of America’s Next Top Model. The All-Star Edition has given Tyra plenty of opportunities to make a fool of not only herself, but the silly wenches who signed up for the show instead of continuing on with their lives. Silly wenches! Don’t you know Tyra will wring every drop of dignity out of you and shred your self-confidence? So young, so stupid.

So, in this special edition of Top Model Thursdays (since today is Wednesday), let’s run down what exactly has happened on this topsy-turvy, one-time-only, cycle:

Nicki Minaj: Episode 1! Meet the contestants, fourteen hasbeens and neverweres from past seasons–er, cycles–and hear the prizes! This cycle, the girls are vying for a $100,000 Cover Girl contract, a national campaign for Express, a spread in Vogue Italia, and a guest correspondent gig with Extra. Express is still around? Good for them! Haterade abounds, there is fan feedback (Alexandria gets booed!) and Nicki Minaj is the guest judge. Drunken barmaid Brittany gets the boot.

Ashlee Simpson: Episode 2! Ty-overs, which in actual English means makeovers. Crying! Screaming! Rending of garments! And then a shoot with hot dogs. Seriously–you all signed up for this, willingly? It’s a sign of what’s to come, to be sure. Sheena bites the bullet, so to speak, and is sent home, lazy eye, fake boobs, and all.

Kristin Cavallari: Episode 3! Kristin pep talks the girls on how to be a reality star and break out of reality whilemaintaining your star–all while on Dancing With The Stars. Quite ironic, no? Then, they got to meet Mario Lopez! What’s up, Slater?! So exciting, to meet D-list celebrities. The photo challenge involves stilts, and Isis gets the big ol’ goodbye.

Anthony Zuiker: Episode 4! He created CSI, guys, and the girls audition for a teensy tiny role on the show. Guest role, Camille, not permanent cast member. The photo shoot is for Express, because somehow Express is still relevant, and even though Lisa’s insanity is showing, Camille is bounced for being old and boring.

LaToya Jackson: Episode 5! LaToya! Kardashians! Kardashian Kollection! Blackface! Nobody goes home! Sigh. Hello, downward spiral.

Coco Rocha: Episode 6! Never before in the history of Top Model has there been a flag football challenge! Rock of Love, yes, ANTM? No! Challenge accepted! Though, seriously, the Rock of Love one was so much better. Watch that, instead of this. Bye bye, Bre.

Kathy Griffin: Episode 7! All you need to know is that the photo challenge is inspired by Snooki and NeNe Leakes(Real Housewives of Atlanta). Seriously. Fortunately, a double elimination cuts down the number of remaining episodes: Kayla and Bianca, who was always up for a good fight, are taken out back and shot.

Game: Episode 8! The Game is now just Game, which is weird. Also weird? The Youtube “stars” that show up throughout this episode. Also weird? “Pot ledom is Top Model backwards” Gross, Tyra! It will not become a thing! But thanks for the memories, Alexandria, as you get kicked out the door.

Nikos Papadopoulos: Episode 9! Greece! Just when you think you’ve seen everything, just when you think Tyra has thrown everything she can at these poor women, just when you think they’re overseas and safe (but for the inevitable go-sees), suddenly there’s a lingerie shoot in a…giant Greek salad? Yeah. Shannon refused to participate (due to the lingerie, not the salad) and is hopefully relieved to go back to her husband and regular life. This show, man.

No One Famous Enough to Get an Episode Named After Them: Episode 10! Fake Olympics. Angelea can’t say “shot put.” Relationships are breaking down. Everyone is mean! Nigel Barker does the photoshoot, which really means the end is nigh. Finally! Although it will be without Dominique.

Tonight is a recap show (if you’d like more recap than the above). Four girls remain, with my money on Allison to bring home the dubious honors!

Top 13: Post Ty-over!

We are all super duper aware, since it is super duper obvious, that Tyra Banks is no stranger to branding. She has her own production company, had her own talk show, her own mini-monarchy (whatever she’d have us believe), several websites, and a fledgling book series (Modelland, I have yet to actually see you in stores!). Tyra is even attending Harvard Business School to improve her branding abilities! And, since America’s Next Top Model is the most literal interpretation of Tyra’s life ever, in the history of the world, this week’s ANTM: All-Stars focused on branding!

So! Branding each of the top thirteen All-Stars. Brittany Brower was kicked out last week, or her word would be “lush,” amirite? According, apparently, to ANTM fans, the one word that dictates each girls’ brand is: Lisa is daring (crazy), Shannon is trustworthy (boring), Dominique is a survivor (ok, sure), Allison is unique (agreed), Angelea is persistent (and obsessed), Bre is a girlfriend (just don’t steal her granola bars!), Camille is proud (conceited), Isis is inspiration (not inspiring?), Laura is lovable, Alexandria is tough (annoying), Sheena is unexpected, Kayla is gay, which is deemed as “so five years ago,” so Kayla is instead free, and Bianca is candid. Because ‘candid’ is the easy way of saying, ‘a total bitch.’ Now each contestant knows which aspect of herself to play up to the judges! Right? Hardly: this is, of course, all for a photo shoot! But first: makeo–no, Ty-overs!

At this point, Ashlee Simpson(-Wentz) showed up. Does she have a new album coming out or something? Is she in a new show on The CW? Could they just not get Jessica? Whatever–she lurks. Everyone predictably flips out at the idea of having a spa day, like they’d never gone through this before. Bre gets the most dramatic cut and throws a fit–once the cut is finished. You want them to glue your hair back on or something? Don’t you realize this is a GAME? Girl, you don’t know Tyra at all.

I should also point out: extensions are the new weave. You heard it here first!

Photo shoot! A branded photo shoot, no less–for HOT DOGS. Pink’s, not P!NK’S. It’s a famous Hollywood hotdog stand. Apparently. Just go with it, and embody your brand while eating a hotdog! Lisa, who memorably peed in a diaper (a la Steve-O) while on America’s Next Top Model, wins the challenge by being as daring as she can be and smearing hotdog fixin’s all over her face. Kayla and Sheena end up in the bottom two (it’s hard to be gay and free or unexpected with a hotdog!), and alas, Sheena was booted.

It’s not so exciting, this season, as it is with n00bs. There’s no suspense! No stakes! I want the oblivious wannabes back! Agree or disagree, ya’ll know I’m right!

Hey, Tyra girl!

OK? Seriously. Check it:

Why any of the returning America’s Next Top Model contestants thought that signing up for another round of Tyra’s tomfoolery was a great idea, well, I can’t say. Good luck, Shannon, Camille, Brittany, Bre, Lisa, Bianca, Dominique, Sheena, Isis, Allison, Laura, Angelea, Kayla, and Alexandria! I think you’re gonna need it.

Prizes! Prizes, prizes prizes. What do you give women who have mostly aged out of the prime modeling age? Other stuff! This cycle’s prizes include: a special spread in Vogue Italia, the usual CoverGirl cosmetics contract, plus an Express fashion campaign (Express is still around?) and the chance to become a correspondent on Extra. Everything else is the same: judges, challenges, questionable guest judges, catfights, product placement, treachery, insanity: all the things that make ANTM what we know and love. It all starts tomorrow night, Intoxibellas! Can’t hardly wait!

I prepared a whole diatribe on Kim Kardashian’s Royal Wedding-esque wedding cake (3 weeks, people, until she’s Kim Kardashian Humphries!), but all that flew out the window when I saw this picture:

That, ladies and germs, is Hugh Hefner, planking on his dining room table. No, he is not dead. Yes, he is doing it wrong. Nevertheless–planking. I think, if the whole owling trend didn’t already signal the end, that planking has officially jumped the shark. He does look dead, though, doesn’t he? Kind of like he’s sleeping. Playboy is probably planning for Hugh’s demise–the man is over 80 years old, after all, so maybe it shouldn’t be surprising he’s stretched out on the table like he’s being measured for a coffin.

Smize! Smize! The official America’s Next Top Model: All Stars cast list was released today, and it’s exactly what the spoilers said it would be: Shannon Stewart (Cycle 1), Camille McDonald (Cycle 2), Brittany Brower (Cycle 4), Lisa D’Amato (Cycle 5), Bre Scullark (Cycle 5), Bianca Golden (Cycle 9), Dominique Reighard (Cycle 10), Isis King (Cycle 11), Sheena Sakai (Cycle 11), Allison Harvard (Cycle 12), Laura Kirkpatrick (Cycle 13), Angelea Preston (Cycle 14), Kayla Ferrel (Cycle 15) and Alexandria Everett (Cycle 16). Guest judges were also announced, and will include Tyson Beckford, Nicki Minaj, Kathy Griffin, Kristin Cavallari and LaToya Jackson. Dang, Tyra–that’s a lot of strange eggs for one basket!

Set your TiVo, your DVR, your whatever: Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event will air in 2 two hour (!!) installments–four hours of bridezilla Kim and her crazy hijinks–on October 9th at 8pm and October 10th at 9pm. I predict shenanigans will ensure. And that Kris and Kim will be annulled or divorced before the special airs. Unless one of them leaves the other at the altar, a la Crystal Harris and Hugh Hefner! Thursday gossip comes full circle!

The Many Faces of Tyrant Banks

While Brittani Kline and Molly O’Connell have yet to battle it out on the America’s Next Top Model Cycle 16 finale, they’re already yesterday’s news. Yes, laydeez and germs, megalomaniac Tyra Banks has chosen one or more losers from almost every cycle (spoiler alert: no one from Cycle 3, 6, 7 or 8!) to appear on America’s Next Top Model Cycle 17: All-Stars! No previous winners have been chosen, and it’s not clear what the prize is (other than, you know, being on television again). I was hiding under a rock last Thursday and still heard the news! I, of course, have my own opinions on the cast–and you’d better, too! Comments won’t write themselves, people! We gotta dialogue on this!

CYCLE 1: SHANNON STEWART

Shannon Ratliff, nee Stewart, did pretty well on Cycle One. She was dinged for refusing to participate in a nude photoshoot, citing her Christianity as the reason (and was egged on a bit by uber-religious Robin Manning). Shannon ultimately finished second, behind crazypants winner Adrianne Curry, and has had a semi-successful modeling career.

CYCLE 2: Camille McDonald

Oh, Camille. She was a straight up stone bitch, and came in fifth (due in part to her bad attitude)! Camille was a lot like Cycle 16’s Alexandria Everett: opinionated and manipulative, with an attitude problem. She has what might termed a “dominatrix problem,” which suits Alexandria as well. It’ll be interesting to see two similar women go at it–they’ll be best friends or worst enemies!

CYCLE 4: Brittany Brower

Wow, Brittany is from Cycle 4? It’s been that long since Keenyah Hill got fat, Kahlen Rondot had an emotional breakdown, and Naima Mora won? Brittany was fourth that season, and I mostly remember her as a loud, funny, drunk. Is that accurate? Hopefully! She was often compared to Janice Dickinson (too bad judges aren’t coming back, too!), and often told she was too sexy.

CYCLE 5: Lisa D’Amato

Lisa peed in an adult diaper for kicks while on a photoshoot. Tyra hated her. Should be interesting.

CYCLE 5: Bre Scullark

Bre has the dubious distinction of being remembered for getting in an argument with eventual winner Nicole Linkletter over some granola bars she thought Nicole stole from her. Can’t we have Nik Pace back instead? She was awesome! But, this is about drama, not coolness. Bre has been fairly successful since the show, particularly on runway and in commercials.

CYCLE 9: Bianca Golden

Cycle 9 was memorable for a couple reasons: a contestant with Aspergers syndrome, the ‘green’ cycle (that didn’t last long!), and ringer Saleisha Stowers walking away with the prize. This cycle was the turning point for ANTM, the jumping the shark moment. Tyra’s obvious preference for Saleisha spoiled the whole point of the show, and it has yet to bounce back. Bianca was the shaved head makeover recipient and seemed to have an anger problem. She’s also known for brawling with Hairspray actress Nikki Blonsky at an airport.

CYCLE 10: Dominique Reighard

Cycle 10 was another cycle dominated by and won by a ringer–in this case, insufferable plus size model Whitney Thompson. Dominique’s CoverGirl commerical (in Italian) was absolutely hilarious, but her strong personality often rubbed the other girls the wrong way. So, obviously, here she is.

CYCLE 11: Isis King

Isis’ inclusion in the cast of ANTM Cycle 11 brought headlines: she is the first (and, to date, only) trans woman to compete on the show. Isis was still pre-op during filming, which caused some tension in the house and contributed to her discomfort on certain photo shoots. At this point, Isis is fully post op, and ready to roll. I don’t recall her having a particularly confrontational attitude, but I guess she doesn’t need one with the possible controversy she might already bring.

CYCLE 11: Sheena Sakai

Hootchie Sheena Sakai! She was enjoyable. She also admitted to having fake boobs, which might be the only time that’s ever happened on ANTM. She was the bombshell of Cycle 11, and was often criticized for being too sexy. She made it pretty far in the competition, all the way to sixth place, before being eliminated. She’s outspoken and the queen of one-liners. Yes!

CYCLE 12: Allison Harvard

Cycle 12 runner up Allison was robbed! ROBBED. She totally deserved it over Teyona Anderson! Allison is what Tyra likes to call ‘quirky weird,’ which basically means she’s not just obsessed with winning–she likes other stuff, too! Like nosebleeds. If the Cycle 17 prize has anything to do with modeling, Allison might just be able to bring it home.

CYCLE 13: Laura Kirkpatrick

I didn’t watch the Cycle of Shorties (the petites), so I don’t know this girl at all. She’s 5′7, though, so she’s taller than me!

CYCLE 14: Angelea Preston

Angelea? AGAIN? From sleeping at New York’s Port Authority, to screaming that she can’t go back to Buffalo, to finally placing fourth in her cycle, I’ve heard enough from Angelea. Can’t we have crazy Naduah Rugely instead? This was another snoozer of a season (eventually won by freakishly thin Krista White), and I frankly don’t care about Angelea.

CYCLE 15: Kayla Ferrell

Tyra’s favorite lesbian! And, with Allison, one of the few on this All-Star cycle with some actual potential! Kayla is no shrinking violet, that’s for sure. Hopefully Tyra doesn’t make her go clown red (if they even get makeovers!) again–and then not touch it up so it fades, fades, fades!

CYCLE 16: Alexandria Everett

Oh, come on. Like it would be anyone else.

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There you have it! Sadly minus that beautiful bi-racial butterfly and winner of America’s Next Top Best Friend, Jade Cole, who Tweeted she declined Cycle 17 because her “contract was completely BOGUS and one-sided.” She also said ANTM is all about the producers making money, and that the girls who did sign up have signed their lives and rights away. All probably true! I’m quite looking forward to it!