Ew, what? Look at this weird video I found on JustJared:

That’s Gossip Girl’s Leighton Meester performing Cobra Starship’s “Good Girls Go Bad” at the American Eagle Outfitters flagship store preview party this past Tuesday in New York.  She’s a pop star now, remember?  They’ve been promoting her songs heavily on each episode of Gossip Girl - listen more closely next episode (Nov. 30) and I bet you’ll hear one.

PEOPLE.  People, people, people.  This is the kind of stuff Blair Waldorf is wearing around town?

I just can’t approve.  Leighton looks like a revamped I Dream of Jeannie.  Not in a good way.  What’s with the psychedelic sorbet pants?  My Windows Media Player visualizations make prettier designs than that.

What a mess!  It’s so disappointing when actors are the total opposite of the characters they play on TV.  This is worse than when I found out Jennie Garth is down-to-earth and low-maintenance.

Mah mah mah Gossip Girl mah mah Gossip Girl had a Lady Gaga cameo last night!  Otherwise, same ole confusing shizz.  Read on…

Jenny Humphrey
So Jenny’s semi-stepbrother Chuck Bass had to entertain this dude named Damien, the son of an ambassador that was staying at his hotel.  He was easily able to pawn off the duty on Jenny on account of she’s soooo bored now that she’s soooo popular.  Jenny takes Damien out on the town and soon finds out he’s a drug dealer, which seemed to somewhat interest her.

That night, they go to a club to pass of some drugs (ecstasy, I believe?) to a customer - then Damien suggests that Jenny go into the bathroom to “test the merchandise.”  Just as the round li’l pill lands in her hand, Chuck walks in to bust up the scene.  “Dude, I’m Chuck Bass,” he tells the Belgian. “Even Europeans must know what that means.”

Saved by Chuck Bass!  Which is funny, because Li’l J had to be saved FROM Chuck Bass back in the first season (remember how he like, tried to rape her?!).  Jenny later admits to Chuck that she’s bored now that she’s Queen Bee.  He warns her to watch out - acting out out of boredom is trouble (he should know!).  Jenny retreats to her room and sends Damien a text: “That was fun.  Let’s do it again some time.”

UH OH!  Foreshadowing!  Jenny’s spiraling out of control!  FINALLY, some excitement.

Serena van der Woodsen, Nate Archibald, and Trip van der Bilt
Serena is STILL crushing on Trip, and goes to Nate for advice.  She doesn’t think she can control herself around Trip (a married man!) and is too stupid to realize cutting of contact with him is the simplest solution.  Nate decides to help her out by taking her on an epic bar crawl (wtf?) to keep her busy until Trip leaves on his trip (ha!) to D.C.

In the meantime, Trip finds out that it was his wife Maureen who staged the Hudson River rescue from a few episodes back and is super upset.  He turns to the bottle and then goes out to find Nate and Serena at the Brandy Library, where they are reminiscing about the time they did it at the Shepherd wedding and about to smooch.  Trip explains how upset and confused he is with the Maureen sitch, and asks Serena to go on a walk with him.  Nate warns S that if she leaves with Trip, they’ll definitely cross the line. “That line just got a little blurry,” she responds, which totally isn’t true, cuz dude is still a married Congressman, after all.

Blair Waldorf and the Post-Threesome Trio
Things are kinda awkward between Dan Humphrey, Olivia Burke, and Vanessa Abrams after the three of ‘em did it last week.  Dan and Vanessa are awk, Vanessa and Olivia are avoiding each other, things aren’t right. Tsk, tsk!  “The third person is supposed to be a stranger,” Nate scolds Dan.

Meanwhile, Blair is trying to dominate another social scene by getting in with the Tisch theater kids by participating in their cabaret event.  She enlists Olivia to help her out, and Olivia enlists Dan to write the play to help him get involved in teh creative writing program.  The cabaret turns out to be the same night as the Morrissey concert Dan and Vanessa are supposed to go to, and Olivia lies to V and tells her they had been planning to participate in the cabaret in the past month.

Vanessa later finds about the lie, and weasels her way into directing the play.  This leads to rivalry/aggression between the two girls, and both end up quitting.  Sneaky Blair, however, figures out that they’ve just had a threesome (“The third person is supposed to be a stranger!” she scolds Dan) and blackmails the girls into participating in the play, unless they want news of their threesome publicized.

The show must go on!  It’s cabaret night, and Dan’s crappy play is LIVE!  His modern retelling of Snow White apparently casts him as a hot shot record producer/Prince Charming, Olivia as an aspiring chanteuse, Blair as the evil stepmother, and Blair’s minions as a boy band.  Seriously, you guys, how embarrassing were the minions as the boy band?  Oy.

At intermission, Olivia confesses to Dan what’s bothering her: whilst threesome-ing, she realized that Dan and Vanessa love each other.  Dan totally denies it, but it seems like he’s taken her words a bit to heart - he now sees Vanessa through fresh eyes.

When the play returns, Olivia purposefully misses her cue on stage, knowing that Blair will push Vanessa on stage for the final scene: Prince Charming’s kiss with Snow White.  Vanessa indeed steps in for the rest of the play.  Dan plants a kiss on the babe, and…. sparks fly?  I can never tell with these two. They’re such losers.

The episode ends with a goodbye: Olivia has decided to take a role in The Bitches of Eastwick (Olivia: “It’s like Heathers, but with witches”), and will be gone for the rest of the semester.  Vanessa tells her that she doesn’t have feelings for Dan and that one of the more pretentious Tisch dudes likes he so whaeva.  Obviously, O doesn’t buy it.  Bye bye, Hilary Duff story arc!  And Lonely Boy stands alone?

The play is a hit among the obviously stupid Tisch kids (again, isn’t this bad PR for NYU?), Dan might be getting a boost into the creative writing program, and Blair has seemingly earned their respect.  Blair then one-ups everyone by using stepfather Cyrus Rose’s connections to get the kids into a Lady Gaga dress rehearsal.  Wallace Shawn was the inspiration for “Poker Face,” btw.

The Lady Gaga cameo was totally random and out of place, but so’s everything on this trainwreck of a show.  Where once I saw art (a modern retelling of The Age of Innocence!), I now see pure entertainment.  And I’m okay with that.  I used to watch Dynasty with my grandmas, after all.

At least we got a few new plots in the mix!  A Trip/Serena/Nate love triangle, a blossoming Dan/Vanessa romance, Jenny Humphrey gone wild, Blair begins her domination and…. Chuck?  Poor Chuck has been the absent boy scout in the few episodes, and I’m tired of it!

What, is Ed Westwick off shooting a movie or something?

BRING BACK CHUCK BASS!

OM3! Last night was the much-publicized Gossip Girl threesome, and let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty.  Let’s start the rundown.

Jenny Humphrey
So basically, Li’l J’s still being a huge bitch, ordering her minions around and scheming to remain Queen Bee.  But don’t worry, you guys, she’s only a crappy person cuz she’s insecure on the inside.  See, J is from Brooklyn, and thus way behind on things like ballroom dancing and wearing skirts that reach past her the fingertips.  Luckily, stepmother Lily van der Woodsen has pulled some strings, and Jenny is able to make her debut at cotillion along with the other Upper East Siders. Insecure about her lack of experience being rich, Jenny decides she needs to have an A+ date to the deb ball, namely, some dude named Graham Collins.  Unfortunately, her minions are having some trouble pinning the guy down.

Newly-scheming stepbrother Eric van der Woodsen, pretending to be helpful, convinces her to go to the ball with his boyfriend Jonathan (no clue why she would agree).  He then swipes Li’l J’s phone and texts “No, thanks” to Graham Collins‘ actual invitation to the dance on Jenny’s behalf.

However, Jenny finds out what Eric did and, in turn, dumps Jonathan as her date and Blair Waldorf as her pseudo-mentor (J: “Your era’s over. And so is that headband”).  This incites Eric and Blair to team up, and they do so by taking in this babe named Kira Abernathy with a seriously busted face (did she win a walk-on role sweepstakes?) and making her over to become the new Queen Bee.  Eric even blackmails hottie Graham Collins to go with her, by telling him that what happens at Camp Suisse doesn’t necessarily stay at Camp Suisse (scandal!).

The plan is as follows: when each girl debuts, Jenny will take the stage thinking Graham is her escort, and then be publicly humiliated when she discovers this isn’t the case - and she actually has no date to her society debut.  So this basically happens, and sure, it’s pretty mortifying - but it’s not really a biggie on account of Li’l J makes a quick call to Nate Archibald and he comes a-runnin’ to join her on stage for the debut.  BORING!  But hey, you think these two will rekindle their near-romance?

BONUS: Boyfriend Jonathan is nonplussed by Eric’s deviant behavior (shock me shock me shock me!) and dumps the dude.  Bummer!  This just means Eric‘ll have more time to scheme with busted-faced Kira.  “The next time we take Jenny down,” he tells her, “It will be for good.”  Cute!

Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf
These former besties are still feuding, and Chuck Bass is tired of it.  Thus, he schemes to trap Serena and Blair in an elevator, where they will remain until they make up (what is this, an ABC sitcom?).  So they do, and Serena opens up to Blair about her daddy issues and blah blah blah while Blair listens in with an uncharacteristically sympathetic ear.  Serena also tells her about her crush on Senator Trip van der Bilt, Nate’s cousin and Serena’s recent employer.  She admits that things between them are getting a little too personal - Trip admitted as much to her earlier that day.  Blair recommends that she quit and never see Trip again; dude is a married Congressman after all!  Serena agrees, and marches down to his office to resign then and there.

Unfortch, when Serena finds Trip, she is distracted by his boyish good looks and is easily convinced that the two of them can manage to keep things professional.  I think we all know where this is headed.

Dan Humphrey, Olivia Burke, and Vanessa Abrams
On with the show!  I’ve saved the worst for last!  Yes, I’m sorry, ole greaseface, beefarms, and hemphair make up the trois in our ménage a trois.  After Olivia is notified that she will be soon leaving town to film Endless Knights IV, Dan and Vanessa decide to cram the full college experience into one wild ‘n crazy night, by running through a “15 Things You Have To Do In College” list in 24 hours.

They do a bunch of boring stuff like drink at a party and blah blah blah finally retire to the girls’ dorm room after a full night.  Dan (that dog!) points out that they have one item left to check off: have a threesome.  This leads to the “Have you ever?” question (they hadn’t), which leads to Olivia kissing Dan, Olivia kissing Vanessa, then Vanessa kissing Dan.  Cut to the three of them asleep in bed.  We can all assume what went down, and let’s face it, Vanessa loved every minute.

But Olivia gets a text message as she sleeps: Endless Knights IV is off!  This means she’ll be sticking around after all.  Guess they didn’t have to have that threesome!

Though winding down with a barf, the episode ends with a gasp.  Lily van der Woodsen picks up the mail to find a letter to Serena from Daddy van der Woodsen (Keith, I believe?)!  Will she give the letter to Serena?  Hide it?  Will Serena resolve her ongoing daddy isues?

The Parents Television Council (PTC) tried to keep this week’s episode of Gossip Girl off the air, but why?  “They Shoot Humphreys, Don’t They?” was an anti-threesome ad, if you ask me.  Did you see the trio in question?  Would you want to be involved with any of them?  Gross me out!

Besides, kids don’t even watch this show.  25+-year-olds trying to relive the Bev 90210/OC glory days do.

xoxo!

Does anyone even watch this Gossip Girl show anymore?  This show is getting harder to follow than Queen Mum after a few drinks (that was funny, right?)!

Let’s break it down by character; otherwise, this shizz is way too hard to follow:

Dan Humphrey and Olivia Burke
Olivia for some reason doesn’t want to show bf Dan her appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.  She goes to great lengths to keep footage of the show from him, but he eventually comes across the clip.  It seems Olivia told Jimmy Fallon the story of her first date with Dan, in which he emerged from the bathroom with his shirt on inside-out.  Fallon starts calling him “Bathroom Boy,” it’s hilarious blah blah blah.  Dan ends up not really caring, just being bummed he forgot their one-month anniversary, yadda yadda all is right with the world.

Nate Archibald, Vanessa Abrams, and the Congressional Campaign
Nate’s cousin Trip van der Bilt is running for Congress.  Nate’s helping out while Vanessa documents the whole process for one of her snoozy short films.  She gets footage of Trip saving a drowning man in the Hudson River, but when reviewing the tape before selling it off to a local news station, learns that the whole thing was set up to make Trip look like a hero.  She warns Nate ahead of time so Trip can plan his PR plan of attack ahead of time.  What ends up happening instead is Nate tricking Vanessa into forking the footage over by sending a fake journalist to purchase the tape.  Vanessa later figures it out and gives him one of her b.s. moral authority speeches about how he isn’t the Nate Archibald she once knew.  Nate redeems himself later by taking credit for the whole set up, even though he had nothing to do with it.

BONUS: We all thought it was Grandfather William van der Bilt (p.s. love it how they all call him “Grandfather”), but it turns out to be Trip’s sneaky wife Maureen who was behind the whole shebang.  She confesses this to Grandfather with a shizz-eating grin on her face, because she knows he’s underestimated her in the past.  Grandfather responds that he actually doesn’t think about her much at all.  Disssssss!

Blair Waldorf and Serena van der Woodsen
The girls are still pissed at each other over last week’s snafu with Chuck Bass’s Gimlet bar opening and whatnot.  Blair finds herself a new best friend in the form of some babe named Brandeis whose got a penchant for designer clothes.  Blair takes Brandeis to Trip van der Bilt’s election party at Chuck’s Empire Hotel, where Serena is attending with her new fake boyfriend actor Patrick Roberts, who she is dating only to keep her job as a publicist.  Patrick gets mondo drunk at the party and lets our friends know that Blair’s buddy Brandeis is not only a psych major at NYU, but a high-class call girl - she’s at the party looking for new clients!  Things get crazy, Blair gets drunk-as-a-skunk Patrick kicked out of the party, Serena tells Blair about her new friend’s actual calling in life, Blair gives her one of those takes-one-to-know-one lines, and S pushes B’s face into a cake.

Whew! Serena ends up feeling like a whore after all, quitting her job, and trying to make up with Blair - but Blair won’t have it.  Blair’s got a real life now, with school and a real relationship, while Serena’s floundering through life, alienating her family and friends.  Blair wants no part of it.  Could this be the end of Serena and Blair?!?!?!?

The episode ends with Blair crawling into bed with Chuck - she’s got no friends, but at least she has him, she says - and Serena running into newly-elected Trip at a bar and him joining her for a chat.  Both these scenes seemed foreshadowing to me.  Will Blair lose Chuck too?  Will something happen between Serena and Trip?  I certainly hope both of those questions are answered with a big fat NO.

Next week?  It’s supposed to be the big threesome episode we’ve been hearing buzz about (OM3!).  Who do you think it’ll be?  I’m half-assuming it’ll involve Olivia (you know how loose those Hollywood types are!), but I’m hoping Vanessa will be involved because maybe THEN she’d shut up.  Serena would be too obvious, no?

Maybe our girl Gossip will show up.  xoxo!

Oh, Gossip Girl, what have you become?  I can’t keep up with all this.

Last night’s episode concerned itself with the opening of Chuck Bass’s club, Gimlet.  Chuck wants to keep the club’s opening a secret from gf Blair Waldorf, who he’s still pissed at for betraying his trust last week, but he asks Serena van der Woodsen to help with club publicity, since she’s like, a publicist now.  Serena takes on the project, hoping to impress boss Casey (er, now it sounds like it’s K.C.?) with a successful party.

Unfortch, Serena’s boss Casey / K.C. gets her panties in a bunch over Serena using her contacts to publicize the party, but cools down when Serena assures her she will have Olivia Burke there, canoodling with ex-bf and Endless Knights co-star Patrick Roberts, another client of Casey’s.

But this whole pretend-we’re-dating-for-publicity thing isn’t sitting well with Olivia’s bf Dan Humphrey, who recently viewed the Endless Knights series, per buddy Nate Archibald’s suggestion, and discovered Olivia’s steamy vampire love scenes, in which co-star Patrick arouses Olivia to the point of levitation.  Whoa!  Olivia discovers Dan’s insecurities and assures him that what he saw was acting, that her and Patrick’s relationship was just for show.  She agrees to go to Serena’s event and pretend to be with Patrick, however - it’s all part of the job.

Meanwhile, Chuck is getting nervous about Gimlet’s liquor license - it still hasn’t arrived.  He finally gets a call at the last minute that he’s been approved, and we later find out that control-freak Blair had called in a favor to Uncle Jack Bass (remember him?) to make it happen.  Chuck, of course, finds out, and gets even more pissed at the girl.  He asks her to leave and not come to the launch party.

Party time! Serena’s working the door, everyone’s having a ball… and Blair’s stuck at home playing chess with Dorota.

Suddenly, flowers arrive at her dorm room!  They’re from Uncle Jack, sending his condolences for granting them a fake liquor license.  Oh noes!  The girl heads straight to Gimlet to warn Chuck.

But Chuck already knows.  The pair kiss and make up and blah blah blah call the cops in order to break up the illegal party and wind up on page one of the newspaper.

Serena is not particularly pleased.  The paparazzi hadn’t got a shot of Olivia and Patrick back together - Casey / K.C. would be furious!

Olivia had confessed to Dan that she had, in fact, broken Patrick’s heart, and was just trying to help his long-suffering career by giving him a bit of publicity - but she decides to stick by Dan’s side instead during the event.  Serena comes up with a quick fix for the problem, which is to have the paps photograph Olivia kissing Dan and Serena kissing Patrick.  The amount of coverage generated seems to please Casey / K.C., and Serena’s job is safe once again.

All the while, Jenny Humphrey’s busy with her own storyline!  She’s acting like a huge bitch as Queen Bee, and even has her minions dump yogurt on step-brother Eric van der Woodsen’s head after he and boyfriend Jonathan sit higher than her on the stairs.

Even worse, after a talking-to from step-mom Lily van der Woodsen, Li’l J makes up with Eric, but has to continue to get her revenge on him and Jonathan in order to show the girls on the steps who’s boss.  This ends with the minions egging Jonathan, Eric being pissed beyond belief and telling Li’l J he wants nothing to do with her, and Li’l J dramatically tearing clothes out of her closet and throwing them on the floor of her room, along with her sewing machine.  Is she shunning her D.I.Y. garb and committing herself to a life of being a huge bitch in designer pantsuits?  Probs.

Oh, and there’s some boring subplot about Rufus Humphrey wanting to stay home and pass out candy in wife Lily’s apt, and her paying the doorman to usher some kids up and satisfy the dude.  SNOOZE!

Sure, I guess the episode was entertaining enough.  But really, if the show continues on this downward spiral, I’m not sure I can stomach any more!  Who’s with me?

Gossip Girl, are you there?

Ugh.  Most confusing Gossip Girl ever.  I don’t even know if I’ll be able to recap this one.

So I suppose the biggest deal of the evening was Blair Waldorf and Vanessa Abrams duking it out over who’d get to deliver the freshman toast at the NYU parents dinner.  Vanessa was all set to deliver the speech, and seemingly no effort from Blair begging and pleading with Josh Ellis, Head of Freshman Affairs, could stop her.

Unfortunately, across town, Dan Humphrey was busy inviting new celebrity gf Olivia Burke to the parents dinner so she could meet his parentals, Rufus Humphrey and Lily van der Woodsen.  Olivia decided to call up Mr. Ellis and accept his invitation to give the freshman toast so she could impress the fam, unknowingly bumping Vanessa from the position.  Looks like Olivia will be delivering the toast!

Nate Archibald is busy working hard on cousin Tripp Vanderbilt’s congressional campaign.  He’s also keen to help Serena van der Woodsen with the whole Carter Basin situation, and tells her the Buckley’s have shipped Carter off to Texas to pay off his debts to the family at an oil rig. 

Nate thinks only way to pay off the debt is to play a high-stakes game of poker with P.J. Buckley (didn’t she spend time playing poker with her step-father in Monaco, after all?) - and Serena agrees, for some insane reason.

Blair finds out about Olivia’s new role as toastmaster and throws it in Vanessa’s face, then uses her primo powers of manipulation to convince Vanessa to trick roomie Olivia into backing out of the toast.  Vanessa tells Dan that Olivia is freaked out over meeting the ‘rents and convinces him to disinvite her to the parents dinner and make her chicken dinner instead.  As a result, Olivia gets all freaked out that Dan’s cooling on her, so Vanessa tells her that Lily and Rufus are really judgmental when it comes to “Hollywood types.”  OMG VANESSA IS SO BAD AT LYING!

But!  Back to Blair!  The girl still hasn’t secured her position as freshman toaster.  She concocts a little plan: she and bf Chuck Bass will resume their cheating man/scorned woman act in order to embarrass Mr. Ellis.  Chuck will flirt it up with the administrator and Blair will catch him in the act. Chuck is all for it, obviously, and does a bang up job - Ellis ends up planting a big ole smooch on the Bassface.

But no!  Embarrassing Mr. Ellis wasn’t Blair’s actual plan - she was, in truth, selling Chuck out!  Apparently, Blair had struck a deal with Mr. Ellis to check #27 off the TriBeca Scavenger Hunt List: Kiss Chuck Bass.  With that exchange, Blair got her speech.

In the meantime, Serena is all set to play poker and totally blows it, losing all of Nate’s money.  However, the guy’s got faith in her and raises the stakes with a photo of cousin Tripp with a bong - an image that could ruin his political career.  Serena, of course, loses again.  The money and Tripp’s campaign are lost.

But are they?  It turns out Nate actually wagered a doctored photo.  He wanted the image to be released so that it looked like the Buckleys were gross enough to sink as low as all that and victimize the poor Vanderbilts.  Serena, pissed that she’d been used, calls up P.J. and tells him to truth, and pays off Carter’s debt herself.  Unfortunately, when she tells Carter he’s in the clear, he isn’t happy.  He wants to do things his own way, now that he’s a good man.  Carter doesn’t need her charity, he wants her respect.  He leaves; Serena is left heartbroken.

At the parents dinner, Blair is all prepped to speak, but unfortunately, Vanessa isn’t done fighting yet.  She’s keen to deliver the speech herself, as her super self-righteous, condescending mother Gabriella will be there, and Vanessa wants to convince mom that NYU is the place for her (Gabriella Abram’s opinion on private education: “Knowledge should not be for sale”).  Vanessa confronts Blair, but not without a hidden microphone.  Blair confesses, unknowingly mic’d in front of everyone, that she had stolen the toast, that she had been willing to do anything to get it, including lying to Chuck, “the one person who trusts me more than anyone.”  BUMMER!  Chuck is noooot happy.

Meanwhile, Olivia is busy acting like a super stuck-up Hollywood type in front of Lily and Rufus, on account of she’s pissed that they’ve pre-judged her as exactly that.  Dan eventually figures out what’s going on and he and Olivia confront Vanessa - who’s been acting very un-Vanessa this episode, am I right?  Vanessa confesses all that has gone down and apologizes, telling them how important it was to prove herself to her mother with this speech. “I wish Rufus and Lily were my parents,” she tells them - and mama Gabriella overhears!

Lily gives Blair a mini-lecture about how important trust is in a relationship and the girl seems to take it to heart.  However, when Blair goes to ask Chuck’s forgiveness the next day, he won’t have any of it.  Chuck knows how little respect she has for the people she manipulates, and he won’t be one of them.

The episode ends with Blair sitting down at a cafe with Vanessa, who’s just been stood up by her mother for breakfast.  The two bitches left in the dust!

What did you think of Vanessa’s new manipulative streak?  Is she falling into a life of private school games?  Does anyone care?  How does the real NYU feel about all this publicity?

And seriously, could I get a litte more Gossip Girl narrative up in this mix?  xoxo!

Whoa whoa whoa, Gossip Girl, slow down!  I can’t pick up these story lines you’re putting down fast enough!

Oy, where to begin?  It all starts with Dan Humphrey chatting with new ladyfriend Olivia Burke on his mini-comp.  Snooze.  Olivia is in Japan filming a movie or something.  Whateva.

Georgina Sparks is back after a week in Boston getting secrets out of Scott / Lovechild!  She runs into Vanessa at a coffee shop and finds out Dan’s been seeing someone new.  Hence, the blackmail begins.  Georgina threatens to tell the Humphrey - van der Woodsens that Scott / Lovechild is their lovechild, and not just lovechild’s brother - and that Vanessa knew it all along - unless Vanessa convinces Dan to dump Olivia and get back with Georgina.  BORING!  This seems too easy.

Back at home, Lily van der Woodsen’s still pissed at Rufus Humphrey for supporting Serena in her decision to not attend Brown.  Serena, meanwhile, is busy living at BFF Blair Waldorf’s and canoodling with new beau Carter Basin.

Meanwhile, Blair’s hatred for Nate Archibald’s new lady Bree Buckley and love for Carter are annoying the shizz out of bf Chuck Bass.  Chuck decides to get to the bottom of who’s good and who’s bad and corners Bree.  She tells him Carter is trouble - but that’s all she can say.  Chuck seems genuinely concerned for his step-sis Serena, and goes to Carter with a one-way plane ticket, implying that he knows the full story and telling him to skip town for good.  Will he leave or be honest with S?

Serena decides to go home and work things out with her mother, which happens in like 2 seconds cuz Lily is too busy thinking about herself and Rufus to give an eff about her daughter.  Serena decides to take matters in her own hands and has the Humphrey family “accidentally” run into the van der Woodsen’s at a restaurant.  The kids leave Lily and Rufus alone and, after an early ’90s reverie about Lincoln Hawk opening for Sonic Youth, the pair get in a fight about how to have their wedding, raise their children, etc.  The reconciliation is off!

But only for like a second.  Lily and Rufus make up later over the phone and decide to “take a leap” - to have their wedding TOMORROW!  Eek!  Obviously Serena’s gonna plan it and it’s gonna be awesome, cuz they’re all insanely rich.

Across town, Vanessa tries to convince Dan that Olivia is in Japan rubbing elbows with Orlando Bloom or possibly preggers.  He doesn’t believe it for a second, and instead, decides Vanessa is in love with him.  HA!  Vanessa responds with a massive AW HELL NO! and spills Scott / Lovechild’s secret lickety-split (sers, I’d be totes embarrassed if Dan thought I was crushing too).  Dan decides he can’t tell daddy just yet, so as not to spoil the wedding.

Instead, he decides to lie to Georgina to keep her away from the wedding for the time being, telling her he’d like to get back together.  However, when he kisses her, he doesn’t grab her ass like he used to when he genuinely was interested in her, and she smells something’s up.

Obviously, she runs to get Scott / Lovechild and brings him to the wedding to ruin the whole damn thing.

At the wedding, we finally find out the Carter / Bree connection.  Carter mans up and shows up to tell Serena his full sordid tale.

It seems he got into huge gambling debt, then took advantage of Bree’s cousin Beth - going as far as asking the girl to marry him - in have the Buckley family settle his bills before abandoning her.  Serena is less than stoked about the news, and refuses to talk to him, even though he insists she’s changed him.

Meanwhile, Bree admits to Nate that she used him in order to get to Carter.  Bummer!  The episode ends with Bree’s big jocky brothers hauling Carter off in the back of a car.  Rich people love revenge!

Our bride Lily, in the meantime, is having serious wedding jitters, and tells Rufus she wants to call the whole thing off, seconds after the wedding march starts.  She tells him they’re too different, it won’t work; he insists she’s making excuses because she’s scared. Scott / Lovechild obviously picks this moment to walk up and meet his parents - and Lily goes all bitchcakes on him.  She’s never met the guy!  He runs off and, after Georgina cruelly explains who he is, Lily and Rufus run to follow him to the Chinatown bus he’s about to board.

Catching Scott / Lovechild at the bus, he tells them he was hoping his parents were in love, not trainwrecks blah blah blah Lily tells him she’s dreamed of holding her lovechild in her arms for years.  GROUP HUG!

Rufus and Lily decide to get married after all, and tie the knot in front of an intimate crowd with Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon (ZOMG!!!) officiating.

Ah yes.  Then we all dance happily to the tunes of Sonic Youth.  Bros Dan and Scott / Lovechild hug it out before Scott / Lovechild goes back to Boston to be with his poor family.  Serena and Nate are bummed cuz their beaus suck.

What about Georgina?  Nobody likes you, Georgie.  Blair enacts a bit of revenge with the girl, sending Dorota to execute some sort of plan that entails a Belarussian prince picking her up at the bar.  $5 says he’s not actually a prince.

Too much! But at least we got some much-needed closure.  What’s next?  Will Chuck save Carter from a Buckley beating?  Probs.

I still wish Gossip Girl would talk more. Less confusion, more puns, plz!

xoxo!

OMFG! An episode of Gossip Girl I was actually satisfied with (sorta)!  On with the show…

Where do I begin?  Let’s see.  So Dan Humphrey meets this blond babe in a fedora in front of a coffee stand who introduces herself as Kate.  However, due to him being insanely out of touch, Dan doesn’t realize Kate is actually famous actress Olivia Burke (a beefy-armed Hilary Duff!), star of Vampire Knights (let’s face it, they mean Twilight).  Olivia / Kate is stoked to be seen as a normal hottie and not a famous one and welcomes the attention.

The next day, Dan is at a cafe with Nate Archibald, telling him about this cute “Kate” girl when - lo and behold! - there she is at a table behind them!  Nate, who obviously knows who Olivia Burke is, is super amused, but decides not to let Dan in on the joke.

Heh!  Dan goes over to ask Kate out, and she obliges, but later tells him her life is too crazy and dumps the poor guy.

Nate?  He’s just busy being boring.  His snoozy gf Bree Buckley is off somewhere or other.  Who cares?  We’re putting that storyline on hold this week.  That, and the whole Carter Basin thing.

But I digress.  So obviously, Olivia Burke winds up being Vanessa Abrams’s roomie.   Vanessa returns to her dorm one evening to find Olivia’s publicist Casey rearranging the room (Vanessa: “I see you’ve taken down my Godard poster.”) and making everyone sign confidentiality forms in exchange for tickets to the premiere of Olivia’s upcoming movie, Fleur.  Olivia is mortified!  Please, just let me be normal!

Hey! The little kiddies get some airtime!  Jenny Humphrey and Eric van der Woodsen return to Constance Billard and St. Jude’s, respectively.  Li’l J is excited to have broken down the former hierarchy imposed by Blair Waldorf and others after having won the crown and smashing the system.  However, when she arrives at school, it seems her classmates haven’t followed suit; she’s met with punky eyeliner Li’l J wannabes who are at her beck and call!  She demands they stop the madness, effective immediately.

Across town, Serena van der Woodsen’s being a big whiner about not wanting to go to Brown. She’s won the support of slacker step-dad Rufus Humphrey, but now has to face the Lily van der Woodsen firing squad.  Expectedly, Lily is less than thrilled with her daughter’s decision.  Serena decides to get a job to prove her mother she can do a thing.

The job she gets?  Assisting movie star Olivia Burke’s publicist Casey, who needs the help of a “diva whisperer.”  Serena is brought on board to help out with Ursula Nyquist (Tyra Banks), a movie star, diva, and Olivia co-star.  Obviously, Serena and Ursula wind up being total BFF and Serena’s job basically amounts to having a slumber party with her and h2h-ing.

Later,  Serena finds out that a scene in Ursula and Olivia’s upcoming movie Fleur that Ursula is particularly proud of is being cut.  Casey doesn’t want to tell Ursula about it, because she wants to make sure the actress attends the premiere, which Serena doesn’t agree with.  Honestly, I don’t understand the moral dilemma here.  Why tell Tyra about the cut scene and stress her out on her big day?  Console her later!

PS: did anyone else find Tyra Banks’s histrionics both obnox and endearing at the same time?

Meanwhile, Blair is busy being bummed that she’s not Queen Bee (”How can I rule over people I don’t understand?”) and embarrassingly retreats back to the Constance Billard crowd, taking Jenny’s progress back a step.  She invites a bunch of girls over to her house for the annual Waldorf sleepover party, at the dismay of both Dorota and bf Chuck Bass.

Chuck turns to Jenny to help save Blair’s ego, and they hatch a plan to attend the Fleur movie premiere together. Gossip Girl sends out a blast, letting all the girls at the Waldorf sleepover know that Li’l J is out on the town with none other than Chuck Bass.  Blair, furious, rushes to the premiere to see what’s what.

Meanwhile, Vanessa convinces Dan to attend the Fleur premiere, where he obviously finds out that Kate is actually super famous movie star Olivia Burke.  Yadda yadda yadda, they talk and decide to continue going out because they’re both soooo normal.

Blair goes to figure out ’sup with Chuck and he gives her the skinny: “I’m Chuck Bass. And I told you I love you. You’re saying I’m easier to win over than a bunch of pseudo-intellectual homesick malcontents. You’d really insult me like that?”  BAM!

He continues: “The next time you forget you’re Blair Waldorf, remember I’m Chuck Bass. And I love you.”

He then tops that killer speech off by paying a paparazzo to take her photo.  Ego restored!  Best boyfriend ever!

Time for the movie!  The film begins and Ursula soon realizes her big fat scene is cut and runs out in tears.  Serena runs after her, where Casey is busy telling the actress to throw a public tantrum.  Serena defies Casey and tells her to respond with dignity instead, which Ursula sees as the most novel thing anyone’s ever suggested.  Casey is PISSED and fires poor Serena.

Later on, Ursula tells Serena she convinced Casey to hire her back, because she helped her “find herself” (oh puuhhhhhleaaaase!).  Serena then realizes she can’t find HERSELF under the roof of Lily van der Woodsen, packs her things, and moves out.

In the end, we see Blair lecturing three headband-wearing girls about how to rule the school - it seems like she’s found a couple of misplaced aristocrats like herself at NYU.  Ah yes, the return of Blair Waldorf.  Back at Constance, we see Jenny Humphrey presiding over her own group at the steps. Order restored.

But that’s not all!  The episode ends with Vanessa calling Scott / Lovechild in Boston, who has to hang up abruptly because he has an incoming call… from Georgina.  Trouble is afoot!

We’ll see how this all pans out.  I’m curious to see how Georgina manages to both break up Dan and Olivia and mess up Scott’s whole situation.  Any ideas?

xoxo!

Zoinks! Is it just me, or has Gossip Girl ceased to make sense?  I’m not even sure I can summarize the thing for you without getting things horribly wrong.  Let’s try…

Oh snap!  Dan Humphrey and Georgina Sparks are hookin’ it!  Dan does something smart for a change and lets her know that he wants to have a “no strings” relationship. Georgina pretends to agree, but it’s clear she’s into this guy, for whatever reason.  She’s got the guy’s mug on her desktop wallpaper!

Meanwhile, Blair Waldorf’s got her panties in a bunch because bf Chuck Bass is too busy trying to be a business man to spend any quality time.  Luckily, she receives an invitation to join La Table Élitaire, a secret society that will prove her worth at NYU.  FINALLY!

Serena van der Woodsen’s still dating Carter Basin, at the objection of her friends (he’s been a jerk in the past, after all).  She believes he’s changed for the better, but an event or two starts giving her doubts.  For one, some babe approaches him and claims to have slept with him just a month ago - he denies it.  Second, his credit card gets denied at the hotel and he refuses to pay room service - he claims he doesn’t owe a thing.  Tsk tsk!  Is he truly bf material?

On the other side of town (not really, just needed a segue), Scott / Lovechild’s still being a creep.  Vanessa Abrams starts getting suspicious and decides to look into it.  Turns out he’s been lying all along: he isn’t enrolled at NYU after all (the horror!).  Vanessa confronts him about it, and he confesses he’s been trying to sneak into the lives of the Humphrey / van der Woodsens on account of Rufus and Lily being his biological parents and all.  Sers, dude’s been straight up creepy, taking guitar lessons from Rufus and whatnot.  Vanessa encourages him to spill the beans to Rufus at the Sotheby auction everyone’s going to. Scott / Lovechild agrees to, but begs her to keep her mouth shut in the meantime.

Sotheby’s?  Why are we all going to this auction again?  Seriously, if you have any clue, let me know.

Well,  Chuck and Blair, at least, have a clear reason for going.  Turns out the businessman Chuck’s trying to impress - Patrick McMullan - and Blair’s secret table society would both be stoked to get a certain photograph up for auction at the event.  They agree not to bid, but then, no, they’re both too stubborn to back down.  Time for a Chuck and Blair showdown!

Nate Archibald and Bree Buckley?  Yeah, they’re still dating.  Or something. SNOOZE CRUISE! 

Vanessa’s having a hard time keeping the Scott / Lovechild secret from Dan, and lets him know that she found out the dude doesn’t attend NYU.  Dan’s weirded out, and is encouraged by Georgina to do some looking into Scott / Lovechild’s past.  They figure out via the Internets (where else!) that dude’s been lying about his last name.  Dan puts two and two together and realizes Scott / Lovechild is the same guy who wrote him a fan letter last year.  He fears he’s a crazy stalker that needs to be stopped (you wish, Humphrey!).

Now we’re at the Sotheby’s auction!  Serena figures out that Chuck and Blair are behind the Carter problems, setting him up to look like a tool in front of her.  Their usual manipulation pisses her off and she does the unthinkable: outbids them in their bidding war for the photo!

Serena ends up giving the photo to Blair, who hands it over to Chuck, because she loves and believes in him (omgah qties!).  Howevs, it turns out this is all for naught: Georgina’s behind the whole thing!  Turns out she made up the invitation to Blair’s society and is buddies with the assistant who gave Chuck the tip about the photo.  Oh, Georgina!

Side note: Serena was the one to figure out Georgina’s involvement in all this and, in an uber-bad Serena moment, wages war on Georgina.  Watch out, bitch.  Love it!

Ooh! And in the meantime! Scott / Lovechild’s all prepped to tell Rufus he’s his daddy, when his adopted mother shows up to let him know she fully supports her decision. Scott / Lovechild is so moved by her love for him, that he ends up telling Rufus that he’s dead Lovechild’s brother Alexander rather than Lovechild himself, and just wanted to meet his bro’s fam - this explains away all the stalking.

Vanessa is taken aback and ultimately, realizes she has a BIG secret to keep.  Unfortch, our gal Georgina overhears her conversation with Scott / Lovechild and gets busy plotting.  The episode ends with her booking a trip to Boston, where Scott / Lovechild will be returning.  Is this a plot to get close to Dan?  Get back at Serena?

Serena ends up apologizing to Carter, which he accepts.  BUT!  It turns out Carter IS hiding something.  We find out that he somehow knows Bree Buckley, who he encounters in a limo, on her way to finally face her familly. “Considering what you did to us,” she says to him, “Being able to find you is going to go a long way in getting me back in.”  What the eff does that mean?!  Is she using our Nathaniel to get hunt down Carter?  I wish any of this made sense.

Luckily, the episode ends on a high note: Chuck, all giddy from having Blair believe in him, decides that, instead of finding a partner for his proposed club, will sell all of his Bass Industries shares and buy an entire hotel on his own.  The scene with Chuck and Blair in front of the hotel is truly lovely; it almost makes me think this relationship’s gonna work out fine.

Good episode?  Bad episode?  I’m not sure, but hey, at least we’ve got some wheels in motion, finally.  I was a bit overwhelmed by new stories starting up and old stories being revisited, but I’ve got faith they can figure things out.

But seriously, I’ve got one final bone to pick: where the eff is Gossip Girl?  Did she not follow us to college as I had hoped?  Babe got like 2 seconds of airtime this episode.  Boooooo!

Tyra Banks and Hilary Duff next week!  xoxo, y’all!

Ah, college: where losers get popular.  Last night’s Gossip Girl proved that yes, this is always the case, with the majority of our gang moving into the dorms at NYU.

Blair Waldorf in a dorm room?  I suppose the writers want us to suspend disbelief with this one, which I’m more than happy to do.  Blair apparently wants to immerse herself in dorm culture so she can conveniently infiltrate the freshman class and once again become the Queen Bee.

Unfortunately, when she arrives, she’s greeted by an unfortunate dorm mate: Georgina Sparks!  Georgie’s still doing the whole sweet act, but Blair can see through her and knows it’s war from here on out.

Blair attempts to launch her reign by throwing a fabulous sushi and saketini party for her classmates (side note: don’t sushi/saketinis sound sort of late ’90s?).  When no one shows up, she finds out it’s because Georgina invited everyone into their room for pizza and a screening of Vanessa Abrams’s documentary (snooze cruise!).  Vanessa, it seems, doesn’t see through Georgina’s act, and has decided to be friends with her.

Foiled!

Meanwhile, college-less businessmna Chuck Bass is attempting to make millions with the proposed purchase of bank and turning into a restaurant - and the vault, a secret nightclub.  He seems strangely grown up, both mature in his relationship with Blair and serious about becoming a businessman.  Weirded out!

Serena van der Woodsen, on the other hand, is a hot mess.  The girl reclaims her bad side and decides to defer Brown for a year, because she lacks the direction and motivation to attend.  She’s afraid to tell Rufus Humphrey (still standing in for an absent Lily van der Woodsen) and ends up hiding out at Chuck’s place.

Obviously, Serena ends up ruining a meeting with an investor for Chuck, and he let’s her have it.  On her way out the door, he mutters “trainwreck” under his breath, which doesn’t go unheard.  The girl packs up and moves her stuff to the Humphrey loft in Brooklyn.

Later, we also find out Chuck has told Rufus that Serena hasn’t gone to Brown after all.  This, coupled with the “trainwreck” comment from earlier on, has got our blond babe fumin’.  This means war!

Totally boring plotline alert!  Nate Archibald is still busy shacking up with family rival Bree Buckley.  They decide to stay in all week to find out the personal details about each other that’ll ultimately lead to their demise as a couple.  But guess what?  They end up just liking each other more!  SNOOZE!  Not giving this story any more attention.

Back at NYU, Blair realizes she needs the help of the newly-popular Dan Humphrey to navigate college.  Quelle horreur!  He asks him to be his date to Georgina’s rooftop party and agrees to lose the headband (”No headbands in college, okay?”).  At the party, Blair still can’t seem to connect with any of the other students, and plots to take down the popular Georgina.  She calls in Georgie’s old Jesus Camp friends (you know, the OMJCers), and announces to the crowd that Georgina only threw the party to convert them all.  The plan doesn’t seem to go particularly well, and Dan decides to resuscitate the party by grabbing the mic and encouraging everyone to party and drink cheap beer with him.  Dan, the life of the party?  Weirded out!

And Blair, foiled again!

Oh, and crazy ole lovechild Scott is there, and he starts acting all weird when another student playfully questions a professor recommendation he made to Vanessa.  Is he possibly not an NYU student after all?  Is he just there to buddy up with Dan?  Loser.

Back at the Humphrey ranch, Serena makes a date with recent semi-beau/past douchebag Carter Basin to have drinks downtown.  We soon find out she’s only there to ruin another one of Chuck’s business meetings - which is super bitchy on account of Chuck only told Rufus about her Brown deferral out of concern.  Futhermore, Carter realizes she was only using him to mess with Chuck and is PISSED.  He tells Serena off.

Ho hum, Serena crawls home and has an h2h with Rufus about Brown, finding herself, blah blah blah, clearly, he’s the father she never had.  She then goes off and apologizes to Carter, telling him he’s not her “bad habit,” but someone she trusts and wants.  They smooch, yadda yadda.

Now is it just me, or are Serena’s motivations totally unclear this season so far?  Is she bad Serena now?  Does she actually like Carter?  Why the sudden daddy issues?  Explain, plz.

Ah, yes. Gossip Girl S03E02 ends with Blair crawling into bed with Chuck (such love!) and Dan waking up on the roof, fully-clothed next to… Georgina?!  I like where things are heading.

Drama is afoot, so please, keep watching! Gossip Girl is taking a huge hit in the ratings this season so far, and I’m getting fearful.  I don’t think I could stomach another The O.C.-sized disappointment.  xoxo!