The face that’s worth $6 million a year

The Daily Beast has compiled a list of the highest paid reality TV stars, and everyone’s favorite Kardashian is at the top of the heap!  Kim Kardashian is estimated to pull in a whopping $6 million this year, as she lends her name and/or face to everything from cupcake mix to feminine hygiene products to shoes.  A million dollars behind her in second place is Lauren ‘LC’ Conrad, who shot to fame on MTV’s Laguna Beach, followed by the greatly lamented The Hills.  LC also has a trilogy of young adult books and a clothing line for Kohl’s to pad her bottom line. Next up is Bethenny Frankel, late of The Real Housewives of New York City and Bethenny Getting Married?, and current star of Skating with the Stars and Bethenny Ever After, coming next year.  Bethenny is also a published author, which should help after Bethenny Getting Divorced! wraps in a couple years. Another The Hills star, dim bulb Audrina Patridge, is up next.  Did you see her on Dancing With the Has-Beens? No?  Well, you’ll see her soon again enough, on a new reality show on VH1.  Fifth place is hosebeast Kate Gosselin.  You know she’s famous for birthing eight children and being a huge jerk.  Let’s quickly move on.

Coming in at number six is the first male to hit the list—Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, and one can only hope that the The Jersey Shore lothario’s star fades as soon as possible.  Although, protein infused vodka?  What an innovator! More Kardashians are numbers seven and eight—Khloe and Kourtney, respectively.  We knew the Kardashians are extremely popular (ya’ll seem to LOVE them!), but didn’t realize the world knew it, too!  Another Jersey Shore star is ninth, Pauly D (apparently he’s a DJ?  DJ Pauly D?).  He commands thousands of dollars per deejay gig, and shills for Baskin Robbins.  Finally, at tenacious #10, we have former Hefner girlfriend, The Girls Next Door star, and current Baskett wife Kendra Wilkinson, whose reality star continues to rise even post-baby.

What have we learned, readers?  That to be a successful reality star, you better be female, and you better have an angle.  Don’t be afraid to put your name on anything and everything—sex tapes, credit cards, jeans, baby food, lawnmowers—and take every opportunity offered.  Go on, then!  See you on next year’s list!

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Stars?

Dancing with the Stars (otherwise known as Dancing with…wait, who? REALLY?) has confirmed the cast for the upcoming season.  Square Eyes already brought you a post bemoaning (or praising) the leaked contestants, being babymama Bristol Palin, sax man Michael Bolton, former baller Rick Fox, comedienne Margaret Cho, actress Jennifer ‘Baby’ Grey, Jersey Shore’s Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino, pop singer/killer car crash causer Brandy, and one Mr. David Hasselhoff (no introduction needed).  Just announced additions to the cast include The Brady Bunch mom Florence Henderson (the obligatory older woman), Disney child actor Kyle Massey (everyone over twelve, say it with me now: who?), retired Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner (obligatory football player), and, last but not least, Audrina Patridge, late of that seminal television program The Hills.  Wow.  Maybe the ‘Stars’ in the title now refers to the professional ballroom dancers these people will partner.

My question is, when will a Real Housewife of [Wherever] be on the show?  Or a Kardashian sister?  So many untapped resources, and DwtS goes for the likes of Bristol Palin, Michael Bolton and Kyle Massey?  I mean, The Situation must’ve lowered his salary requirements to go on the show, so surely ABC can afford a housewife or two.  The Real Housewives of New York are so steamed about the cast of Jersey Shore getting $30k an episode (!!) that they won’t commit to a fourth season unless their salaries are raised.  Currently, each wife makes about $4k per episode (same as the real  New Jersey housewives), and, according to a source close to the women, “they have little choice but to pimp themselves out with side gigs to bump up their earnings.”  There were eighteen episodes in Season 3—that’s a total of $72k before taxes.  And aren’t these women supposed to be the idle rich?  Why do they care what they get paid?  OH RIGHT—because they’re not rich.  They’re just upper middle class poseurs.  Meanwhile, the Jersey Shore kids are laughing all the way to the bank, and the Real Housewives of New Jersey are beating the stuffing out of each other, and host Andy Cohen, on their reunion show.  Check it out:

Ok, ok, I promise: no more housewives stuff!  Starting Thursday: Project Runway talk!  Don’t make Tim Gunn angry!

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New Directions vs. Vocal Adrenaline: the new Jets vs. Sharks?

Tuesdays are a great night for television, aren’t they?  I mean—you have your American Idol, your Glee, your The Biggest Loser, your The Hills and The City.  It’s just a night with plenty of options.  I spent my evening flipping channels, mostly between Glee and The Biggest Loser (go Daris or Ashley!) and then settled on The Hills for the 10pm hour.  It was a night of ups and downs, highs and lows, laughs and cringes (The Hills.  Oy.)

Glee first.  Ever since the show began, fans have been calling for Idina Menzel to show up as Rachel Berry’s mom, due to the strong resemblance between Idina and Lea Michele, who plays the polarizing (love ‘er or hate ‘er!) prissy princess with the big voice.  Everyone who watches the show figured it was only a matter of time before the relationship was declared, once Idina started occasionally guest starring as Shelby Corcoran, director of the evilly talented and deviously amazing rival club Vocal Adrenaline.  It’s like the Jets and the Sharks!  Without the racial overtones and, you know, knives.  So anyway, no one was surprised when this week’s big reveal was that Shelby is indeed Rachel’s bio mom.  The bigger shock (if you can call it a shock) is that Jesse St. James IS playing Rachel like a cheap fiddle and won’t THAT be interesting if/when it all comes to a head.  I predict it happens around…Regionals.  If Regionals ever actually happens.  All in all, it was a great episode (non-revelatory revelations notwithstanding).  Joss Whedon directed, Neil Patrick Harris guest starred (please come back!), Artie (the wheelchair kid) got a couple great moments.  Did anyone else notice the guy from Heavy Impact (America’s Best Dance Crew) in the “Safety Dance” number?  I was completely distracted for a few minutes while trying to think why he looked familiar (it was the kinda heavy dude with the long hair).  Glee writers aren’t wasting any time: next week’s previews show Rachel confronting Shelby about her filial connection.

Aaaaaaand just when you thought it was safe to watch The Hills (hint: it’s never safe to watch The Hills), everyone on it continued acting like drunken foulmouthed toddlers.  Spencer’s Flesh-colored Beard has spread to his brain and he’s so David Koresh (and btdubs, Spencer’s parents have disowned him, if that still even means anything these days if your parents are people other than Donald Trump or Warren Hellman).  Heidi is a zombie, Kristin is Machiavelli, Brody is just a penis, and Audrina is like the Cowardly Lion: if only she had a brain.  On the upside, the ladies (plus Holly, Stephanie, and Lo; minus Heidi, of course) have decided to cut Speidi Pratag out of their circle and out of their lives.  Yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts!

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He’s wearing the most righteous tight red pants!

Ya’ll watched The Hills Tuesday night, right?  Don’t leave me hanging, bros!  Kristin Cavallari threw herself a housewarming barbecue, and all her little friends (as contractually obligated by MTV) attended.  We got to see heybro Brody Jenner with wingman Frankie Delgado in tow, dim bulb Audrina Patridge and her new boyfriend, famewhore Ryan Cabrera (whom she had to introduce as, “He’s a singer, a musician.  His name’s Ryan Cabrera,” because he’s totally 2004 and irrelevant and HOLY MOSES Audrina is probably better known at this point.) (and PS, didn’t he once reach for the sky and date Ashlee Simpson pre-nose job and pre-Pete Wentz?  Maybe I’m telling stories.).

This is about to turn into the most awkward party ever, guys. Anyz, Stephanie Pratt is there too, and Lo Bosworth is too (and she used to be awesome), but who cares, because the minute Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag show up, the show stops being The Hills and starts being The Breasts because Madre de Dios Heidi is wearing the most inappropriate barbecue outfit ever and I think it’s made of thousands of rubber bands.  Holy motherloving little apples, Heidi—I mean damn!  And then—then!  Audrina is like, “Nice dress,” which, really—what else can you say to a human Barbie?  And nobody but nobody wants to talk to Spencer (who, btdubs, is on some weird crystal kick and claims crystals have cured his rage blackouts, which as we see later in the episode is either clearly not true OR the man is far worse than even he realizes).  So, moving on, Audrina says “nice dress” and then Kristin is like “nice boobs” and they chat about how fragile Heidi still is, and then Audrina asks Heidi if she’s done with plastic surgeries, and Heidi says, “Well, I might want my boobs bigger because I want H’s for Heidi.”

That sound you just heard was my jaw repeatedly hitting the floor.  And then my head following.  And with all the crystal bling Spencer is sporting, I think he’s on his way to being the next L. Ron Hubbard or some other guru to the stars type nonsense.  Heidi might be his Tammy Faye Baker.

Also, Ry Cab goes in for a bro hug with Brody, and Brody gives him the cut direct (had to get a bit Regency there, sorry)!  So awesome.  Ry Cab does not look so good.  He looks like a troll doll.

Gawker posted an interesting article on why we should refrain from watching The Hills.  But really, Gawker, where was this op-ed three years ago?  The fame monster has won.

Not to beat a dead horse, but I have more news about Heidi Montag.  According to tabloid Life & Style, Heidi is upset her implants are not bigger, and is planning on having them enlarged in Europe in the next two months and film the process (not, one hopes, as part of The Hills).  Spencer’s flesh colored beard insists that he tries to stop her, but do we believe that?  Of course not.

Next week: the Brody/Audrina/Ry Cab love triangle (really?!?!?! Shouldn’t it be a square or a pentagon, with Avril Lavigne and/or Kristin in there?) triangulates, and Spencer calls Darlene (Heidi’s mom) “just a vagina.”  Um, awesome?

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Ok everybody, it’s Tuesday, April 27^th, 2010.  You know what that means: the final season of The Hills starts tonight on MTV.  It’s the beginning of the end, as if that wasn’t obvs after Heidi Montag had a bajillion nips, tucks, and implants to feel better about herself and pursue that dream of pop stardom.  And really, who doesn’t want a back scoop?

On tonight’s season premiere, viewers can finally see how Heidi’s mother Darlene reacts when faced with Heidi Barbie and her bosoms of glory.  HowEVER, Hillsies must never say die, because Laguna Beach it-girl and current The Hills biotchka extraordinaire Kristin Cavallari told E!’s Marc Malkin on Friday that MTV might double its order for this season, thus extending the madness by twelve episodes.  What’s happened that could add an extra six hours to the schedule?  Why, nothing other than Kristin and Brody Jenner (reportedly currently dating Avril Lavigne) rediscovering their luuuuurve for each other, that’s what!  Boy, that was sure convenient!  And, just in case you weren’t completely sure that this show is utter nonsense and fiction, there’s also the chance that original star Lauren ‘LC’ Conrad might make an appearance towards the end.  Says Kristin, “I think it would be great if she did (come back).  There are many different ways of bringing her back.”  One regular who will not be making more onscreen appearances is villain, douche overlord, and slimy nutbag Spencer Pratt, who has been kicked off the show (presumably for worse offenses than his flesh colored beard and rage issues).  No word on whether that has anything to do with Heidi’s accusations of alleged sexual harassment at the hands of The Hills creator Adam DiVello (because apparently Audrina Patridge and Kristin Cavallari would put up with it, but not Heidi!  She has morals!  And standards!  And fifteen more minutes of fame!).

Moving away from reality television!  Square Eyes’ most favorite man about town, Bret Michaels, remains in critical condition (with a still bleeding brain) at an undisclosed hospital.  We’re monitoring the situation and the competing news reports!  On the one hand,The Insider reports that a source close to Bret’s family has said that Bret will soon be undergoing surgery to relieve swelling around his brain and his condition is said to be deteriorating.  BUT, in competing breaking news, Mix 104.1 reports that Bret’s dad has said Bret is doing better, and is speaking.  I hope so, because I can’t imagine a world without Bret Michaels in it!  Send him good vibes, y’all!  Send ‘em!

Also, an all-Britney Spears episode of Glee?!  DO IT!

- This post brought to you by DIANA

Hey evvverybodyyyy, get excited!  Both The Hills and The City premiere tonight on MTV!  It all starts this evening at 10:00 p.m.

The Hills will feature our new villainess, Laguna Beach’s Kristin Cavallari, filling in for the newly-absent Lauren Conrad.  Meanwhile, on The City, Whitney Port will have some new friends in tow - party girls Samantha and Roxy - and Olivia Palermo will be starting a new job at Elle Magazine (say hello to Nina Garcia for us!).

Should be a good night of television!  To get you pumped up about the night ahead, here’s a list of each character and how much they will be making for each episode of The Hills:

Kristin Cavallari, $90,000

Audrina Patridge, $100,000

Lauren “Lo” Bosworth, $100,000

Heidi Montag, $100,000

Spencer Pratt, $65,000

Brody Jenner, $45,000

From The Daily Beast.  How do these salaries make you feel?

Lauren Conrad was up to $125,000 before she left.  How much do you think Stacie the bartender takes home?

Alert!  Hot off the press!  Audrina Patridge is officially leaving The Hills!

Here’s what our chipmunk-cheeked friend had to say at a recent press junket for her new thriller Sorority Row:

“I’m almost done with The Hills. We’re in the middle of finishing these episodes, and I’ll be leaving then…

“It feels like I’m graduating. I’m taking the next step and growing up and maturing and moving on in my life. I moved to Los Angeles to be an actress, and before I got onto The Hills, I was going to auditions and castings and working full-time at Quixote Studios and Smashbox

“I feel like it’s helped me a lot going to auditions and sitting in front of the camera… blocking the camera out and just getting into character.”

Hmm.  If that was a “character” she was getting into on The Hills, I really don’t wanna know what her actual personality’s like. Snooze-a-palooza!

But seriously, folks, we’ll miss that lovable dummy Audrina!  The blank stares, the huge eyeballs, the whiny voice… ain’t nothin’ better.

With Lauren Conrad AND Audrina Patridge gone, what will become of The Hills?  Sure, we’ve still got Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, and we’re about to lock down Kristin Calvallari, but… will it be the same?

We’ll find out September 29th, when the new season premieres on MTV. Will you be watching?

[Source: US Weekly]

Oh my goodness, how fabulous are these?  The Hills, captured in chalk pastel!  Take a look at all our fave cast members immortalized as works of art:

Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag

Justin Bobby and Spencer Pratt

Whitney Port and Audrina Patridge

These gems are part of an exhibition by Vancouver artist Karin Bubas, whose show “With Friends Like These…” is on display at the Charles H. Scott Gallery, July 29th through September 13th.

Striking, aren’t they?  Such vulnerable moments!  Maybe one day Bubas will paint Heidi crying over dry shampoo, too.

[Source: NYT]

Now that we’re two episodes into NYC Prep (the real-life Gossip Girl), I’ve been able to form an opinion or two on each cast member.  My assessments, following last night’s episode:

PC - Though probably the most intelligent of the group, he’s disgustingly misanthropic in a super self-proclaimed way that makes his teen angst not charming in the slightest, like it is in most teenagers (love you, sad teens!).  You’re jaded, we get it, PC!  His ennui ($100 says he totally uses that word at least like once a week) stems from the fact that he thinks he’s “gets it” in a way that no one else could possibly even begin to fathom.  He wishes SO HARD he had a self-portrait in his attic that was growing old while he stayed eternally young.  Totally pretentious and condescending, this guy isn’t quite sure whether he’s going for Nate Archibald or Chuck Bass.  Sorry, PC, we don’t care.

JESSIE - She’s been PC’s best friend for ages and keeps him on a tight leash, telling him where to be and who to hang out with.  She fancies herself the Queen Bee, but her face is so busted, everything she says that implies she’s popular or powerful is hard to believe.  Can’t this girl buy herself a new face?  Nonetheless, Jessie organizes fundraisers and is working to get ahead in the cutthroat world of fashion.  She tries to give off the impression that she’s got way too much on her plate, but we can assume being “busy” means having to wait 20 minutes for a town car. Jessie hates letting n00bs infiltrate her social word, but truth is, she’s likely just bummed she’s not pretty.  Definitely going for Blair Waldorf.  Failing.

KELLI - Cute and sweet, but a total blah of a person.  She reminds me of Audrina Patridge from The Hills, in that you keep her around because she’s pleasant, not because you think she’ll ever contribute anything to any conversation you have or get any of your jokes of even any of the movies you watch together.  Kelli’s parents live in the Hamptons most days, but she’s too dumb to take advantage of it, aside from eating take out.  She’s got a huge thing for Sebastian, and acts so pathetic and transparent around him, it makes me want to shake her (DON’T LET HIM BE YOUR JUSTIN BOBBY!).  Ho hum, totally forgettable.  I’m out of words.  Is she Li’l J before Li’l J got cool?  No idea.

CAMILLE - This girl’s got a cool-looking face, which is fortunate for her, cuz she’s almost as boring as Kelli.  Camille’s really into school and the SATs and she’s somewhat sharp-tongued, so she gives off a sort of over-achieving intellectual bitch vibe à la Jessie Spano from Saved By the Bell.  Unfortunately, there’s no way she’ll contribute anything as interesting as OD’ing on caffeine pills to the show, so we might as well pay more attention to Kelli for the duration of the show.  Kelli will DEF either experience super dramatic heartbreak or have a pregnancy scare before the season’s through, so stay tuned.  Hey, maybe Camille and Kelli are the girls from the steps?

SEBASTIAN - My favorite character, hands down.  Dude’s got floppy Farrah Fawcett (too soon?) hair that he can’t stop touching and speaks fluent French, which he whips out to impress girls.  In fact, everything he does is in hopes of hooking up, which he does with “anywhere between two and 16 girls a month.”  Wait, I guess that’s it.  Sebastian flips his hair, speaks French, and hooks up.  Nothing else going on.  He’s like the poor man’s Chuck Bass with a dash of Nate Archibald, cuz he’s sleazy but sort of nice about it.  I’m into it; it’s such a pleasure to watch this guy work his transparent charm on babes with successful results time and time again.

TAYLOR - Token poor kid!  Taylor lives in the Upper East Side, but goes to public school and shops at thrift stores.  As a result, she fluctuates between her poor friends and rich friends, though between you and me, I assume the producers made her befriend Kelli and Camille, because she acts awkward as shizz around them.  In fact, she always seems incredibly uncomfortable to be interacting with anyone.  Who put this girl on a reality show?  She’s not into it!  Leave her alone!  Either way, playboy Sebastian thinks she’s helluv cute (meh, methinks), and starts pursuing her.  She’s likes.  Definitely the Vanessa Abrams of the bunch, though she lacks any spark or concrete interest.

There you have it!  The NYC Prep cast, per me.

Now, the one thing all these kids have in common (besides being rich as shizz) is that they all think the world they live in is real.  They act like mini-adults and parade around, going to bars, attending “networking” events, and having dinner parties  It’s sad to me to think that they have no concept of reality, because being real to them consists of emulating their parents and rich people they’ve seen on TV and in movies.  What a mind-eff to give these non-existing non-people their own reality show.

BUZZKILL!  Sorry to get all stoner philosopher on you, dudes.

Oh man!  Did everyone watch the season finale of The Hills like I told you to?  No worries if not; it’s already available online.  Either way, I’ll give you some of the highlights here!

Throughout the entire episode, Spencer’s on an “I’m a changed man!” kick, even going so far as to telling Heidi’s mom that his sleazy clubbing days are over and asking for her blessing to marry Heidi.  Mom seems unconvinced, but agrees to the wedding.  I, personally, don’t believe his act for one second, nor does former BFF Brody Jenner, who says “You are [cold, stone, with no heart], but you just pretend that you’re not.”

OH SNAP!  I’m lovin’ it.  Kudos for keeping it real, Brodester.

Lauren spends the entire episode wrapping things up, as this is her last show (*tear!).  She h2hs with just about anyone who’ll listen - from BFF  Lo to Kelly Cutrone - about not knowing what’s next and being scared/excited.  And, of course, much of the episode’s sees LC adamantly opposed to attending Speidi’s wedding, while all our favorite Hillsers try to convince her to show up.  I think you see where this is going.

Meanwhile, Stephanie Pratt’s all butthurt that she’s not maid of honor and keeps pointing out when Holly isn’t stepping up to the MOH plate.  Wah wah wah, Steph, get over it.

Flash forward to the rehearsal dinner, where Holly’s making inappropriate remarks and throwing food, some of which ends up on Heidi’s expensive handbag.  Predictably, everyone flips out and Holly leaves.  Spencer goes out to see if Holly‘ll come back and actually does a halfway decent job of being nice (comparatively), aside from the fact that the dude drips condescension with each sentence he speaks.  Holly gets upset nonetheless and storms out crying.

But don’t worry, it’s wedding day and all is forgiven!  The gang gets seated, including all the usual suspects, as well as Justin Bobby, Stacy the bartender (wtf?!), and… wait for it… yes, I realize you saw it in the preview… KRISTIN CAVALLARI!  Jaws drop, Kristin sits down and proceeds to gigglesmirk through the entire ceremony.

Behind closed doors, Heidi’s getting dolled up in her seriously bedazzled “princess dress” and who walks in the door but… wait for it… yes, I realize you saw it in the preview… LAUREN CONRAD!  They exchange pleasantries, Heidi tears up, and blah blah blah all is right with the world.

Wedding time!  With this ring I thee wed and kiss the bride and whatnot.  Nothing special here, though I am amused that Spencer asked them to take the “Any objections?” part out.  HA!

Now everyone’s on the steps of the church and LC slinks away, noticed only by Heidi out of the corner of the eye.  She gets in a car and literally/metaphorically drives off into the distance with a pensive gaze.  So beautiful, AM I RIGHT?

Back at the church, everyone’s mingling.  My favorite part was when Audrina asks Kristin how she knew everybody, at which point I was like, HELLO have you never seen Laguna Beach?!?!  Shucks, maybe she hasn’t.  Homegirl doesn’t seem like the type to do her background research.  Or understand the context of anything going on at any point in time, for that matter.  LOVE HER!

And then the bouquet is thrown!  And Kristin catches it!  Because the producers want us to understand that she’s about to be a VIP on the scene!  And looking for love!  Thanks, producers!

And that’s just about all she wrote.  The show ended, the credits rolled, and a preview of the upcoming season aired:

Sigh.  I don’t know if I have the stomach for this much Cavallari.