The Rendon Family, earlier this year

We all hear about 16 and Pregnant’s Amber Portwood and Gary Shirley all the time, Maci Bookout and Farrah Abraham have been in all sorts of magazines, and even Catelynn Lowell has been featured here and there. All are alumnas of 16 and Pregnant and currently showcased on Teen Mom. Besides one follow-up special on the first season of 16 and Pregnant, the rest of the girls have dropped out of our collective radar.

Until now. Remember Ebony Jackson? She, along with boyfriend Josh Rendon wanted to join the Air Force upon her graduation from high school. Unfortunately, she was pregnant, so she and Josh got married and he enlisted. Time has passed, and things are not so good: their daughter was just taken away by the Arkansas Department of Human Services and they’ve been charged with maintaining a drug premises and unauthorized use of another’s property to facilitate a crime, as well as misdemeanor child endangerment, possession of drug paraphernalia and possession of a controlled substance. The place sounds absolutely filthy, and I suppose it’s for the best.

If Ebony and Josh had signed up/been tapped for Teen Mom, things might be different. They’d have a hell of a lot more money, for one thing, but they’d also be held accountable in different ways. Look at Amber and Gary: they might live like total pigs, but they don’t have feces smeared on their walls. It’s pretty early in the case and both are currently free on bond, but it makes me wonder what happened to the other teens who didn’t end up on Teen Mom or Teen Mom 2. Does MTV have future responsibility for these girls, or does responsibility end when filming stops? I suppose the same could be said for True Life subjects: they’ve made their own decisions, now they need to live with them.

It’s just a sad state of affairs. No glove, no love!

Farrah, Catelynn, Maci and Amber: the original Teen Mom(s)

Can you believe MTV’s runaway hit 16 and Pregnant debuted only two years ago? And spin-off Teen Mom followed only six months behind. At this point, 16 and Pregnant has aired for three seasons, and added another spin-off, Teen Mom 2, to its repertoire of sad shows about pregnant adolescents often making questionable decisions. We at SquareEyes used to be devoted to the shows, watching each heartbreaking hour of drama with bated breath and a critical eye. After a while, though, every tragic story was the same, every decision the worst, and every person thoroughly despicable. It’s one thing to watch a movie that’s been carefully plotted out for maximum effect; it’s entirely different to watch teenage boys routinely sabotage and emotionally abuse their partners. So, yeah, it’s a bit difficult to watch every week.

The third season of the original Teen Mom premieres tonight, and this might sound strange, but it’s not focusing on the trials and tribulations of teen motherhood. Weird, right? Not so much, if you consider that these girls (most of whom can barely be considered teens any longer) are now reality star celebrities. They’re on the cover of magazines like People, OK!, and Us Weekly, they’re pulling in staggering salaries, and they’re not really living the realities of life as an average teen mother. Instead of focusing on teen girls with babies–toddlers, at this point–the show has gone where all media aimed at teens and young adults eventually goes: to messy, soap opera-worthy relationships. Boy crazy baby mamas. Riding in cars with boys! Forget the kids, these girls have love lives! The babies are just set dressing at this point, yet are the reason Farrah, Amber, Maci, and Catelynn are famous.

Speaking of Catelynn: girl, what are you doing? Take all that money MTV has paid you, move out of your emotionally abusive mother’s house, get your GED, and go to college! Make a better life for yourself, rather than continuing to moon over the baby you lovingly gave over to adoptive parents. You gave her a chance at a better life so you too could have a better life! Tyler: stop enabling her. Both of you, get with the program! This cash cow won’t last forever (if there is any hope for humanity, anyway), so take hold of your future!

Teen Mom: Original Flavor starts season 3, and it’s inevitable downward slide towards oblivion, tonight at 10pm on MTV. Check out the season trailer, below:

The happy (and by “happy” I mean “really creepy and gross”) couple are no more

TV is a world full of some nutty people who do some pretty nutty things. What did some of them get up to this week? Well keep reading!

- If you haven’t heard, the millions upon millions of people who tuned into Oprah’s farewell show haven’t found the remote yet to change the channel to OWN, Oprah’s new TV network. It’s tanking so far, with pretty miserable ratings that come nowhere close to what her show would pull in on network TV. So Oprah’s solution? Promise that she will get the most insane interview of all time. Oprah will be starting a new chat show on the channel (making her huge finale kind of pointless and empty) and has stated that her dream interview to boost the ratings of her channel would be O.J. Simpson confessing to murder. Of course O.J. is in jail for at least 6 more years, and she would be asking him to ADMIT TO KILLING TWO PEOPLE, but besides that it sounds like an awesome plan Oprah.

- Crystal Harris, the Playboy playmate who was engaged to Hugh Hefner, has left him and canceled the wedding at the last minute. Sure, getting out of a weirdo marriage with the perverted Cryptkeeper doesn’t sound so crazy, but listen to this: Crystal was supposedly planning on leaving Hef at the altar for the sake of the reality TV special and was already trying to negotiate a $500,000 interview about why she did it. When every magazine and TV show laughed in her face she apparently decided to just bolt. I’m sure Hef is wiping away his tears with other naked women.

- Michelle Obama filmed a special appearance on an episode of iCarly this week. Really? You know people who watch that show don’t vote, right Michelle Obama? The only people that watch Nickelodeon shows like that are kids, stoners and prisoners, I’m sure of it.

- Teen Mom star Amber Portwood supposedly tried to commit suicide this week, but the details are pretty sketchy about whether she actually did anything or just threatened to. Apparently when she told her boyfriend/punching bag Gary Shirley he said “Go ahead,” so it’s nice to see their relationship is as healthy as ever. About her (possible?) suicide, eh said:  “It was the best feeling. I love the way it made me feel. It was euphoric. It was wonderful.” Wow, someone get this girl a real shrink who isn’t Dr. Drew. That quack has no place around real mental problems.

- On The Today Show, Matt Lauer rode Jim Carrey like a horse for no apparent reason. I have nothing to add to that, just watch the bizarre video below to see for yourself:

Chace Crawford is a classy piece

That’s just one of the delicious bits of info floating around the internet! Top interesting stories today include:

Chace Crawford has submitted himself for an Emmy as Lead Actor in a Drama, for his work on Gossip Girl. Don’t worry, Chace–your inevitable failure won’t keep me from seeing you star with Katie Holmes (aka Kate Cruise) in upcoming romantic comedy Responsible Adults. Oh, wait–yes, yes it will.

Natalie Portman is celebrating her new baby boy! It’s her first child with fiance (and Black Swan choreographer) Benjamin Millepied.

Crystal Harris has called off her Saturday wedding with Hugh Hefner, and all sorts of speculative shenanigans are to blame! Apparently the 60 year age difference doesn’t even matter?

Last, but not least, and possibly not even least celebrity-related (ahem, Crystal Harris, who are you, other than the woman breaking poor Hugh’s withered old heart?): original 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom cast member Amber Portwood has been hospitalized after an apparent suicide attempt. According to Amber’s brother, baby daddy Gary Shirley is the reason behind all of Amber’s problems, and is to blame for her attempt. We talk a lotta smack about those two (because, seriously, get it together!), but really: they need to get off of television and into counseling. Stabilize your lives!

We all survived the Rapture! Hooray! And good thing, because you would have missed out on this exciting entertainment news if you were whisked away to Heaven on Saturday!

- A famous rapper has changed his name yet again! Diddy? Yes he did! No, I’m asking, Diddy? I’m telling you he did! Ok, enough of that “Who’s on first?” rip-off! It’s true, Diddy, the artist formerly known as Sean Puffy Combs, Puff Daddy, and P. Diddy, has changed his name to Swag. Apparently he wanted to sound less like a rap mogul and more like an MTV V.J. Don’t worry, it gets dumber: he will be known as Swag for only a week, as a way to celebrate his “comeback” after a nasty flu. Don’t we all change our names after common illnesses? I will be known as Inferno throughout the rest of allergy season.

-While visiting Katy Perry for her tour there, Russell Brand was deported from Japan. Oh, so I guess Arthur finally opened there?

-There’s a new strangest feud in Hollywood: The Hangover star Zach Galifianakis vs. Mad Men’s January Jones. Especially since it seems to be a very love/hate relationship. When January called Zach the most “naturally funny” man she’d ever met in an interview, Zach was baffled while recalling their only encounter: “That’s really funny because, if I remember correctly, she and I were very rude to each other. It was crazy,” he explains. “I was at a party—I’d never met her—and she was like, ‘Come sit down.’ So I sit at her table and talk for 10 minutes, and she goes, ‘I think it’s time for you to leave now.’ So, I say, ‘January, you are an actress in a show and everybody’s going to forget about you in a few years, so f–king be nice’ and I got up and left. And she thinks that’s funny?” Well, it sounds pretty funny to me.

-16 and Pregnant star Jordan Ward is already pregnant again only 17 months after having her last child. Some would say that’s highly responsible and that she hasn’t learned any of the lessons the show claims to be about. But with all the 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom shows MTV is churning out, I’d call it job security. She’ll have enough money for retirement by the time it’s appropriate to have a child!

-At the Billboard Music Awards last night, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez finally made things official by kissing when he received an award. And, for the second time over the weekend, I had to fear for the end of the world. The tears of tween girls everywhere threatened to give us a flood of Biblical proportions.

Another Teen Mom fairytale goes down the tubes

April is a strange time for television these days. Some series are premiering, some are returning after hiatus, and some are ending. Due to the sheer proliferation of channels, viewers have choices, even over the summer, that were unthinkable not too long ago. A summer season?! Shut yo’ mouth, that’s crazy talk! Right?

Tonight sees the return of Glee. With Charice. And Gwyneth Paltrow. You can all watch while I crack open Veronica Mars for a return to the good old days.

Also tonight? 16 and Pregnant Season 3 (not 2C) on MTV. Yes, there are still sixteen to eighteen year old girls (who should know better) getting knocked up by morons, assholes, and idiots (who should really know better). Are you surprised? Probably not. Especially if it occurs to you some of these kids think of this shizz as their big break into reality television stardom. On tonight’s introduction to passive aggressive parenting, we meet Jordan Ward, 17, from St. Louis, Missouri. Jordan has a twin sister, Jessica, who is not pregnant (guess she’s the good twin). To add insult to injury, Jordan decides her baby daddy–Brian–should live with her family. Her sister is not amused.

Meanwhile, Teen Mom 2 mother of twins Leah Messer (who is now 18) has filed for divorce from baby daddy and husband Corey Simms. They’ve been married for all of six months.

Jersey Shore is indeed taking the GTL to Italy next season (filming starts in a few weeks), and will be based in Florence for most of the trip. The mayor of Florence, Mateo Renzi, laid down strict guidelines for MTV to follow, including:

* The cast will not be filmed in bars and clubs that serve alcohol (so the cast will get drunk at home–awesome)

* The cast will not be filmed drinking in public (so the cast will drink and fight at home–awesome)

* The show will not be filmed to promote Florence as a drinking town (because Italians only drink at home)

* The show should be filmed in a manner to promote Italy (not Americans visiting Italy) and feature its culture and good food (so it’s basically a travel show at this point. Where is Anthony Bourdain when you need him?)

What’s Jersey Shore without public intoxication, bars, clubs, and ugly American behavior? Nothing worth watching, that’s for sure!

First, the amazingness of Jimmy Fallon and Stephen Colbert, from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, featuring Rebecca Black’s soon-to-be-classic song, Friday! It’s Friday, Friday, Friday INDEED! Watch it several times. A former American Idol appears! And The Roots.

Then, last night, Maks dropped Kirstie during Dancing With The Stars! They recovered, but dang, man! He claims his thigh gave out.

And finally, the trailer for Season 3 of 16 and Pregnant. On the plus side, there seem to be more women/families of color featured in the new season. On the minus, there also seems to be a higher incidence of on-camera violence. Is it because MTV is becoming more comfortable with showing domestic violence, or because the featured families are more inclined to it? And would showing it make teens more inclined to get knocked up, or less? Does this mean we’re also in for Teen Mom 3? Say it ain’t so, MTV! I’d rather see these fools end up on another Dad Camp, with Dr. Jeff Gardere! MOAR DAD CAMP.

Another one for the Teen Mom mugshot scrapbook!

Another season, another Teen Mom arrested! This time it’s Jenelle, which shouldn’t be any surprise for regular viewers of the show. Aside from losing custody of her child to her mom, Janelle has already been arrested once for pot possession and has been shown doing a variety of illegal activities on MTV’s Teen Mom2 , from smoking weed to credit card fraud. But police finally had a reason to arrest her they couldn’t ignore: a brutal video of her beating another girl severely in a front yard as other cheer her on. Yikes! For all those guys who think two girls fighting is sexy, please watch this video and have your opinion changed forever.

Apparently Jenelle got upset with the girl for what she viewed as “flirting” with her boyfriend Keefer. And who wouldn’t want to flirt with him? An unemployed dude who refuses to work and sits around all day smoking a drinking is quite a catch! So Jenelle confronted her, and with some pushing by her posse Jenelle finally snapped and let loose on the girl, pinning her to the ground and punching her repeatedly in the face. Only after a minute or so of this vicious display did the hootin’ and hollerin’ stop and someone stepped in to split the two up. Classy folks! Although it did seem like the crowd (including someone filming the whole thing before a fight ever broke out) really wanted her to fight (hey, TMZ pays a lot for this kind of footage!), I think her attorney might be pushing it a bit, saying: “Based on the information that I have received, I believe Jenelle was set up.” By “set-up” I hope he’s referring to the flawed education system in this country that tried teaching her abstinence only and failed to educate her on how to become a successful adult in the real working world. Because otherwise I don’t see how she was set-up. Sorry, prompted or not she took the first swing. Let’s hope her mom doesn’t mind raising that kid for the rest of her life! At least Jenelle probably has a reserved spot on Bad Girls Club once her Teen Mom stint is over.

Remember when I posted about Charlie Sheen’s live tour, “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not an Option,” and how it sold out in minutes? Turns out that wasn’t exactly true. Ok, it wasn’t even close to true. There are still thousands of tickets left in every possible seating area (including first row) for every single show. Apparently lots of second hand ticket outlets bought up the tickets and reported them sold out to inflate prices, but that trick didn’t work out. Between people getting sick of Charlie and Rebecca Black capturing the hearts and minds of the internet, ticket sales are stagnant, with many vendors worrying they will have to sell them for lower than face value and lose money on the whole affair. How bad is it? Sheen is reportedly considering canceling the tour, seeing cancellation as less of an embarrassment than playing to sparse crowds. I guess defeat is an option after all! Somehow I think Charlie is going to be making some apologies to his CBS bosses as he realizes infamy can make you huge, but our culture has a very short attention span.

Sure, Teen Mom 2 is on the air with a whole new cast of cautionary tales come to life, but that doesn’t mean those original Teen Moms who captured the hearts of America’s tabloid photographers are out of the picture! A few of them are still fighting for the lime-light! I mean seriously, 20 is just around the corner and none of them have gotten knocked-up again, they have to do something to stay relevant!

Farrah is the first to try and spin a real showbiz career out of her Teen Mom fame with the first step in all legitimate acting/modeling careers: a motorcycle calendar. For the new 16 month calendar called “Mastering the Art of American Motorcycles” Farrah posed with a motorcycle called “The Wolf” in a bizarre fur outfit that she designed herself. She claims it was inspired by Little Red Riding Hood, which would probably be a bit more obvious if the outfit featured, oh, I don’t know, a red hood. And if she was riding the motorcycle. Do I have to take over art direction for this calendar?! I’m beginning to think the thing has 16 months because they don’t know how long a year is! Will this odd photo, which looks like something out of a gentleman’s magazine called Choppers and Cavegirls, actually kick-start a career for Farrah? Only time will tell. At least now she can write off her recent breast implants as work related.

Then, of course, there’s the real breakout star of Teen Mom: the heavy-drinkin’, spray-on-tannin’, husband-slappin’, child service fightin’ Amber! We all know hoe she was brought up on felony charges for slapping her baby daddy Gary Shirley in front of MTV cameras, but it seems Amber hasn’t seen the last of her legal woes. Gary’s current girlfriend Ashley has supposedly filed a formal complaint with police about constant harassment from Amber, who really wants a chance to, as Amber puts it, “beat her a**.” Definitely behavior becoming of a young mother. Ashley even claims that Amber had a friend impersonate a police officer on the phone to try and intimidate her from hanging around Gary. Then again that could have been Ashley’s parents. I sure as heck would not want my daughter hanging around that slob. Whether or not Amber ends up arrested again for this kind of behavior will be seen, but more importantly, it better get seen by us. Don’t ever turn those cameras off MTV!

A legal battle of the goatees!

A few celebrities are caught up in some legal issues these days, and for once it’s not for drunk driving charges. So good for you guys!

First up is the walking tabloid bate from Teen Mom, Amber Portwood. You may recall that authorities took away her child (then gave it back) and were looking into domestic violence charges against her that were caught on camera during filming of Teen Mom. Well, the preliminary results are in: Amber is being charged with 2 felony counts of domestic battery, 1 felony count of neglect of a dependent, and 1 misdemeanor of domestic violence and battery. Quote a list! Merry Christmas Amber! Looks like this year it was local police who were making a list and checking it twice. I’m no statistician, but I believe the law of averages means Amber will be found guilty of at least one of those charges, if not more. Especially since the crime she accused of was, you know, aired on national TV and everything.Somehow I think that doesn’t weigh in her favor.

And as for some established Hollywood stars (ok…one star and one sibling of a star), Stephen Baldwin has filed a lawsuit against Kevin Costner over investments in Costner’s company Ocean Therapy Solutions. Baldwin, a shareholder in the company, claims Costner informed him that no one was interested in the technology which separates oil from water, causing Baldwin to sell his shares. So when Baldwin read about BP licensing the technology for $52 million to aid in the Gulf Coast clean-up, he was a tad bit upset. Not Kevin’s fault that you bailed after a few discouraging comments, Stephen! Take a look at your resume, when have you ever backed out of something that was clearly a failure in the making? Of course Stephen could use the money, he even set up a website to allow fans (aka born again Christians) donate to him since Hollywood won’t hire him because of his outspoken Christian demeanor. Yeah, it has nothing to do with all the talent in that family going to Alec…