Hey, how come no one told me about this gem of a film?

In limited release starting today (where’ve I been?!), I bring you Homecoming, a film starring The O.C.’s Mischa Barton and 90210’s Jessica Stroup:

Awesome, right?

This film has got just about everything I look for in a full-length feature: 1) suspense, 2) teenagers, 3) love triangles, 4) poorly-scripted catchphrases (”I want you to start APPRECIATING my hospitality”), and 5) the potential for murder.  Looks like screenwriter Katie L. Fetting took a page from the R.L. Stine / Christopher Pike / Lois Duncan playbook.  Be still my heart!

And might I add, it’s a real treat seeing Mischa Barton on screen again.  I’d almost forgotten how awkward and hard to watch her acting is.  So stilted and unexpressive.

Homecoming is directed by Morgan J. Freeman.  No, not the cool accomplished actor guy.  This Morgan DID direct an episode of Dawson’s Creek, though.

OMFG!  Check it out, y’all:

It’s the first promo poster for the Gossip Girl spin-off/prequel about a young Lily van der Woodsen (née: Lily Rhodes), Valley Girls, starring Brittany Snow!  As you’ll recall, the series will follow Serena’s mom in 1980’s Los Angeles.

Rumor has it that the show might have some crossover characters from Josh Schwartz’s opus, The O.C.  Come back to me, Julie Cooper!

Bleh, am I right?  Whoever wrote the copy for this poster has clearly given up on life.  And the outfit seems pretty inauthentic to me, unless everyone in the ’80s dressed exactly like Rihanna.

Also, is it just me, or are Snow’s fingers freakishly long?  The real Lily van der Woodsen would NEVER feel comfortable handling watercress sandos and petit fours with paws that big.

Breaking news! Bravo is planning a new reality series set to follow the lives of private school kids in Manhattan.  It’s being described as the real-life Gossip Girl!

Sound familiar?  Remember back in like 2k4 when other Josh Schwartz show The O.C. (RIP!) was still popular and MTV came out with the reality show Laguna Beach and billed it as the REAL Orange County?

Yep.  Same thing!  Except Laguna Beach was wildly successful and spawned The Hills and then The City and Bromance and even sorta The Real Housewives of Orange County, which is what my boyfriend calls me when I wear leopard print pajamas.  Same thing, except Real Gossip Girl’s gonna suck!

Seriously, people.  Mornings when I wake up ready to kick some A, I look at my outfit in the mirror and ask, “Do I look like I attend an elite private school in the Upper East Side?”  If the answer’s yes, I’m ready to go.

And I don’t mean the fat pimplies that I’m going to be watching on Real Gossip Girl. I’m talking about Gossip Girl Gossip Girl, which I’d much rather be left believing is Real.  To me, Gossip Girl is a straight-up DOCUMENTARY(!) on life as a rich kid in New York.  I don’t want my dream world shattered by a bunch of ugly whiney babies wearing tacky Ed Hardy t-shirts and crying about getting some weird rapper from the ATL to play at their debutante ball.

That may or may not have been an episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen I just summarized there.  Nonetheless, I shudder at the thought!

Please, Bravo, keep my elite private schools elite and my teenagers twentysomething.  If my love for teens extended to actual teenagers, I would’ve become a high school teacher.  And my first assignment would involve watching The Breakfast Club and then, just to shake things up, have the class decide who was the athlete, the brain, the basketcase, etc.  Then I’d make them talk about their feelings, which would end in tears and friendship, and I’d be hailed as the BEST TEACHER EVER!  My second assignment would be actual work, now that I had the class’s attention.

Daaaang!  I’d make a really good high school teacher.  Forget everything I said above, I take it all back.

Real Gossip Girl it is!

Chomp up those last few advent calendar chocolates, kiddies, it’s almost Xmas time!

This time of year is good for 3 things: family, food, and TV.  I could go on about the holy trinity of holiday timez all day, but let’s face it, folks, we should probably just stick to TV.

I’ve got a grip of favorite holiday episodes that I’m not afraid to pull out off the top of my head.  Prepare to be dazzled by my TV memory and holiday cheer:

- The episode in seas 2 of Beverly Hills, 90210 where Brenda brings that homeless Santa dude home with her for Xmas and the Walshes are like HELLO! This is Beverly Hills, not Minnesota!  That homeless man could be Gary Busey on a bender! But then it turns out okay cuz homeless people that you help on Xmas are actually probs just real Santa testing you.

- The episode of Saved By The Bell where Zack meets some babe at the mall and then finds out her dad is homeless or something and takes em all home but no one freaks out cuz they’re reasonably attractive.

- The episode of My So-Called Life where Rickie is kicked out of his house and Angela goes looking for him with the help of a homeless gal played by singer-songwriter Juliana Hatfield who is clearly an angel, and NOT Santa testing you.

- The episode of The O.C. where no one is homeless but there’s Chrismukkah(!), a holiday Seth created on account of having a Jewish dad and Protestant mom.  It’s characterized by eight days of presents and one day of many presents.  The Seth / Summer / Anna love triangle is in full swing, but Summer beats Anna’s clever, thoughtful gift by dressing up as Wonder Woman.  Sex it up for the holidays, ladies!

- The episode of The Office where Michael gets dumped by Carol because he superimposes his head on her ex-husband’s body in a family photo.  Andy convinces him to go to Benihana to perk up, where they pick up two waitresses and take them to the two competing office holiday parties (Pam/Karen vs. Angela).  Michael can’t tell the Benihana waitresses apart, so he marks his date’s arm with a Sharpie.  HA!

- Honorable mentions: Seinfeld’s Festivus episode and “The One With The Holiday Armadillo” on Friends.

If you haven’t seen any of these, go watch ‘em on blinkx Remote.  Square Eyes will be on vacay starting tomorrow, so you won’t have anything to keep your spirits up anyway. And I would really hate for you to turn to the bottle on our account.

Happy Hols, everyone!