Hey evvverybodyyyy, get excited!  Both The Hills and The City premiere tonight on MTV!  It all starts this evening at 10:00 p.m.

The Hills will feature our new villainess, Laguna Beach’s Kristin Cavallari, filling in for the newly-absent Lauren Conrad.  Meanwhile, on The City, Whitney Port will have some new friends in tow - party girls Samantha and Roxy - and Olivia Palermo will be starting a new job at Elle Magazine (say hello to Nina Garcia for us!).

Should be a good night of television!  To get you pumped up about the night ahead, here’s a list of each character and how much they will be making for each episode of The Hills:

Kristin Cavallari, $90,000

Audrina Patridge, $100,000

Lauren “Lo” Bosworth, $100,000

Heidi Montag, $100,000

Spencer Pratt, $65,000

Brody Jenner, $45,000

From The Daily Beast.  How do these salaries make you feel?

Lauren Conrad was up to $125,000 before she left.  How much do you think Stacie the bartender takes home?

It’s been a while since we’ve heard anything about Whitney Port, hasn’t it?

Well, it seems the former Hills star has been spotted out on the town in New York City with two new friends, Samantha and Roxy.  Rumor has it the new party girl duo was recruited by MTV to spice up The City, which, admittedly, can be a bit of a snooze cruise at times.

Apparently, now that Olivia Palermo’s left Diane von Furstenberg in favor of a new position at Elle Magazine, she’s not allowed to be filmed getting crazy - meaning no catfights and drunk nights for Olivia.

Hopefully these two new City n00bs will live up to their reputations and shake things up!  From left to right, here’s Whitney with Samantha and Roxy:

At first glance, my reaction is “eh.”  These girls don’t really look like shizz-starters, they look like Eastern European figure skaters on their down time.

Can’t wait to see what season 2 brings!  Unfortch, MTV has yet to release a premiere date.  Ho hum.

Holy shizz!  Just Jared reports this afternoon that Lauren Conrad of The Hills will be guest starring (guest voicing?) on Family Guy in the May 3rd episode.

She’ll be dating Brian the dog for the duration of the episode, which is nothing new for Conrad, on account of a) she’s used to dating TOTAL DOGS E.G. BRODY JENNER! or b) her love life was GOING TO THE DOGS ANYWAY!

Choose a) or b), I don’t have time to pick jokes for you people.

In other Hills-related new, Page Six is reporting that spin-off star Whitney Port of The City is no longer working for fashion icon Diane von Furstenberg.  Rumor has it that Port has been filming seasons with PR firm People’s Revolution, her previous employer.  Could this have anything to do with Whit being beaten out for a sweet London job by bitchy coworker Olivia Palermo?  Was that job even real?  Is Olivia a real person?  Oy.  Quit asking me these things.

In any case, no comment has been made by MTV.

These poor Hills girls.  They make reality seem so simultaneously awesome and terrible.  Smooches!

Oh WOW.  Big news today: Audrina Patridge will be leaving The Hills after its fifth season in order to pursue a reality show deal with Mark Burnett Productions, the geniuses behind reality hits Survivor, Big Brother, and The Amazing Race.  Similar to Whitney Port’s The City, the proposed series will follow Audrina’s personal and professional - er, “professional” -  life.

I think just about everyone will agree with me when I say this show’s gonna bore us all to tears, tears, tears.  I don’t remember anything interesting Audrina’s ever said or done.  EVER.

Hey, you gu-uys!  Square Eyes just got its hands on a totally exclusive sneak peek preview of the show:

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Snooze cruise!  Those dots represent awkward pauses and dead air, FYI.

I’m reminded of Mila Kunis and James Franco’s amazingly spot-on Funny or Die spoof of The Hills, with Mila as Audrina talking to sorta-boyfriend Justin Bobby, as played by Franco.  If you’ve never seen The Hills (watch a few episodes here and cry) this is an accurate representation:

That’s pretty much what Audrina’s show’ll be like, but much, much better and way more intellectually stimulating.

The best thing about the actual show will be that it’ll take about 5 minutes to watch, as you’ll be able to most of it fast forwarding through all the “. . .”  Kinda like that time you watched The Brown Bunny.

Sheesh.  Where are Heidi and Spencer when you need them?  Bet no one’s ever said that before.

Breaking news! Bravo is planning a new reality series set to follow the lives of private school kids in Manhattan.  It’s being described as the real-life Gossip Girl!

Sound familiar?  Remember back in like 2k4 when other Josh Schwartz show The O.C. (RIP!) was still popular and MTV came out with the reality show Laguna Beach and billed it as the REAL Orange County?

Yep.  Same thing!  Except Laguna Beach was wildly successful and spawned The Hills and then The City and Bromance and even sorta The Real Housewives of Orange County, which is what my boyfriend calls me when I wear leopard print pajamas.  Same thing, except Real Gossip Girl’s gonna suck!

Seriously, people.  Mornings when I wake up ready to kick some A, I look at my outfit in the mirror and ask, “Do I look like I attend an elite private school in the Upper East Side?”  If the answer’s yes, I’m ready to go.

And I don’t mean the fat pimplies that I’m going to be watching on Real Gossip Girl. I’m talking about Gossip Girl Gossip Girl, which I’d much rather be left believing is Real.  To me, Gossip Girl is a straight-up DOCUMENTARY(!) on life as a rich kid in New York.  I don’t want my dream world shattered by a bunch of ugly whiney babies wearing tacky Ed Hardy t-shirts and crying about getting some weird rapper from the ATL to play at their debutante ball.

That may or may not have been an episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen I just summarized there.  Nonetheless, I shudder at the thought!

Please, Bravo, keep my elite private schools elite and my teenagers twentysomething.  If my love for teens extended to actual teenagers, I would’ve become a high school teacher.  And my first assignment would involve watching The Breakfast Club and then, just to shake things up, have the class decide who was the athlete, the brain, the basketcase, etc.  Then I’d make them talk about their feelings, which would end in tears and friendship, and I’d be hailed as the BEST TEACHER EVER!  My second assignment would be actual work, now that I had the class’s attention.

Daaaang!  I’d make a really good high school teacher.  Forget everything I said above, I take it all back.

Real Gossip Girl it is!

Is anyone out there besides me still watching The City?  Week after week I tune into the spin-off of The Hills to enjoy the widening and narrowing of Whitney’s eyes, decide whether or not Australian Jay has a severe overbite, and roll my eyes at every word that comes out of Olivia Palermo’s mouth.  Girlfriend thinks she’s in The Age of Innocence or some shizz.

I’ve always been curious about Jay’s supposed music career, as his band Tamarama hasn’t been featured on the show yet.  Today, I came across this post on Just Jared, re: the video for Tamarama’s first single, “Everything to Me.”

Check it out:

Ew!  I feel like that must be one of the least cool things I’ve ever seen in my life.  It’s like a mix between an American Eagle Outfitters ad and LFO’s Summer Girls video, with music by the poor man’s Jack Johnson and also it’s 1998 and they’re from Saved By the Bell: The New Class.  You know what I’m saying.

Honestly, I’m a bit disappointed.  I actually thought Jay might be a vaguely cool dude.  Guess I should’ve known.

I miss Justin Bobby.

Who says there’s nothing new to watch over the holidays?  We got two crappy spin-offs of The Hills premiering TONIGHT on MTV!

First, at 9 p.m., we’ve got mega-douche and L.C. ex Brody Jenner’s new reality series, Bromance.  Bromance will follow a group of probable douchebags as they compete to be part of Brody’s entourage.

Hmmm.  I wonder what his farewell line will be as he kicks bros off - who could top TTYN (i.e. “talk to you never”) from Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, after all?  Might I suggest “Time to bro out, dude”, or perhaps a simple “Later, braaah”?

Next up, at 10 p.m., we’ll be joining doe-eyed former L.C. co-worker Whitney Port on The City.  The City follows Whitney to New York, where she’ll be working for fashion designer Diane von Fürstenberg.

Hey you guuuuys!  I’ve got an idea!  Let’s take the most boring, private, introverted character from an already-snoozy reality series and give her her own show!

Oh wait, that’s not a new idea, that’s just The City, premiering tonight! Snooze cruise!  Whit, I think you’re a real classy chick, but you’d better spice things up in NYC if you expect me to stay up past 10 p.m. watching your show.

Can’t wait to tune in tonight and fall asleep in front of the TV.  Yawnzies!  Let me know what happens in the morning.