Oh, I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!, you managed to do it again. You pulled me in for another two-hour block of programming and you didn’t even feel bad about it. Well, you know what, I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!? I ain’t gonna lie; I enjoyed every second.
Picture it, folks: The Hills‘ Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt locked up in a pitch-black tiny shack getting spiders dropped on ‘em while mice squeal at their feet. If they can make it through this night in this here Lost Chamber, they get to return to jungle.
And you know what? They did it, with minimal complaint! Could the rumors that they’re claiming they were tortured be false? Yes. Yes, they were.
The pair does indeed make it back to camp, where they manage to put on the most flagrant Jesus show I’ve ever seen my entire life. And by “Jesus show,” I mean mentioning/citing/praising/evoking/praying to/relishing in the existence of Jesus and/or God for hours at a time, in addition to spiritual fasting. Spence really took his makeshift Baldwin baptism to heart last week, didn’t you hear?
Meanwhile! Frances is all bummed that Angela got the boot last week and decides to bounce. What’s a Frangela without the Angela after all? If you guessed “Fr,” then you were right.
So blah blah, Speidi are in fantastic spirits and everyone’s noticing. Heidi decides to treat us viewers at home with a taste of her vocal stylings which, sans some serious behind-the-scenes studio editing, sound more terrible than you’d think. It’s like a regular person’s voice got shoved through a vocoder and then spit up into a meat grinder. Straight-shooter Janice Dickinson takes note and tells the girl she sounds like a drowning cat. Spencer finds out about the jab and gives Jan a talking to, but manages to keep his temper under check and be respectful - or, as he put it, he manages not to “Spence out.” Spence really took his makeshift Baldwin baptism to heart last week, didn’t you hear?
Next up: America has spoken! They’ve voted to put Janice Dickinson up against Sanjaya in the next challenge, which involves unlocking shackles in a tank full of rising water filled with baby crocodiles and frogs whatnot. Sanjaya predictably kicks ass, while Janice predictably quits 30 seconds in.
Speaking of Sanjaya, homeboy has some serious jungle chops. He’s building brooms and making homemade ink and slapping together friendship bracelets with things he finds ’round town. My money’s on him for the winner.
All the while Heidi’s puking up a storm, complaining of massive stomache problems. “Maybe it’s the devil coming out of her,” snickers our man Sanjaya, giggle giggle smirk smirk. She’s sent to the emergency room and put on an IV, then diagnosed as having a gastric ulcer. “I love you so much, baby. … Jesus loves you more than anyone, baby,” Spencer tenderly whispers into her ear. I beg to differ, Spence!
Finally, Speidi decide enough’s enough and they bow out of the show again. “If Heidi is sick, then I’m sick because we are of one flesh,” notes our man Spence.
Back at the camp, the gang needs to pick a new leader and has another one of those ridiculous crazy shizz-eating competitions. Of the mopane worms, leaf-cutter ants, bull testicles, stick insects, and cow tongue, no one can devour the entire collection, and thus the group decides to keep Lou Diamond Phillips as camp leader.
Some time passes - and now we’re on to the individual immunity challenge. It’s called “Hang Tough,” and, as you may have guessed, the gang has to hang from a bar over water. Person who hangs on for longest wins immunity. Yeah, they’re not particularly creative with their challenges here at I’m a Celebrity. We’ll find out Wednesday night who wins.
So are Heidi and Spencer really gone for good? Methinks so. Heidi’s got a line of dry shampoo to hawk back in Hollywood, after all.
I’m dead serious, people. Geniuses, idiot savants, or dumbasses?