Hey dudes!  Christmas is coming up quickly, which leads to an obvious question for this week’s poll…

Vote now!  Or you’ll get lumps of coal in your stocking, etc.

ZOMG, this is a GREAT week for celebrity tell-alls!  Celebitchy put up a nice big fat chunk of former Full House star Jodie Sweetin’s upcoming memoir, UnSweetined. As you’ve likely heard, Sweetin has battled serious drug and alcohol addiction for years now.  Much of the book deals with her struggle to come clean.

Here’s an excerpt from UnSweetined in which Sweetin feels like a hypocrite during a “sober” media tour:

When I got to my hotel near Marquette University in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, I slept for a few hours but when I woke up I was still dead tired. I was a mess. Luckily I had the coke to pick me back up. I did a few key bumps and headed to the lecture hall, where a sold-out crowd waited to hear me speak. I thought for sure that one of the professors would take one look at me and kick me out. But none did. They wanted to hear about the trials and tribulations of Jodie Sweetin, or at least the Jodie Sweetin I had created by appearing on Good Morning America and talking to People magazine.

I stood up at the podium, looked around the room, and put on my best TV smile. I was so disappointed in myself. I was living a complete lie. But unfortunately, guilt doesn’t make you stop. I talked about growing up on television and about how great my life was now that I was sober, and then midspeech I started to cry. The crowd probably thought that the memories of hitting rock bottom were too much for me to handle. Or maybe they thought the tears were just a way for an actor to send a message that drugs are bad. I don’t know what they thought.

I know what they didn’t think. They didn’t think I was coming down from a two-day bender of coke, meth, and Ecstasy and they didn’t think that I was lying to them with every sentence that came out of my mouth. That much I do know. The little bit of coke that I had done before the speech wasn’t enough to make me forget how bad I felt for doing what I was doing. The guilt was eating away at me. I was struggling to keep it together, but no one realized that. I finished. They applauded. Standing ovation. Just how I liked it. And it was over.

I was just so tired. Tired of lying. Tired of pretending to be someone that I wasn’t. I took a deep breath and walked out of the lecture hall. I went back to my hotel room and buried my face in my hands. I couldn’t keep doing this. It had to end. But not today. I wiped away the tears and finished the baggie of coke.

Oh man!  I have a feeling there’s gonna be a whole lot of key bumps in this book.  I’m looking forward to picking up a copy.

Isn’t it strange to picture little Stephanie Tanner growing up to be a meth addict? She wouldn’t even smoke when Gina offerred her cigarettes!

How rude!

Oh heck, why not.  I know you’re gonna enjoy this:

You got it, dude!  Yeah!  Full House’s Michelle Tanner, as played by Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen!   Can you tell which twin is which?  They’re not identical, after all.

My theory is that Mary Kate’s the better actress.  Ashley’s such a priss, after all.  You really need to lose yourself in a role, ESPECIALLY when you’re playing a toddler.  Ashley just doesn’t have the balls to really let go of all social conventions.

Well, this is hardly funny!

As a San Francisco resident and long-time Full House fan, I find this “alternate intro” borderline offensive.  Press play and let me know if you agree:

The destruction of the Golden Gate Bridge - why, I never!  And to mispell both “Bob Saget” AND “Jodie Sweetin”?  HOW RUDE!

It’s smut like this that makes the Internets unsafe for today’s children.

[Source: BuzzFeed]

Yay!  This is fun.

Check out Where It’s At.  It’s an interactive map that points to locations referenced in pop culture, from the Grey’s Anatomy Seattle hospital to John Lennon’s New York City apartment.  Visitors can sort by different categories (e.g. “movie magic” or “totally tv”), and are encouraged to add in any missing landmarks.  Though still very incomplete-seeming, it’s a super fun map to click through; within minutes I visited both the Seinfeld diner “Monk’s” on the show, Tom’s Restaurant in real life) and the Elliott Smith Figure 8 wall.

I decided to zoom in on my little home by the Bay (San Francisco, dummy!) to see what I could find.  I was met with your expected Grateful Dead house and Full House houses, as well as my favorite Bay Area fun fact.

FUN FACT!  You know the Weeds theme song (”Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky-tacky…”)?  It’s called “Little Boxes” and it’s sung by folk singer Malvina Reynolds.  Well get this: the satirical song was written when Reynolds saw the colorful rows of houses on a Daly City hill right here in the Bay.  Check ‘em out on your way into the SF from the airport.  Love that fact.

Okay, enough about me.  Go visit your town!

I don’t feel the need to explain this photo.

30 Rock’s Tina Fey and Full House’s Uncle Jesse (or John Stamos of ER, who can tell the difference?) chillin’ out at Disney World with some princesses.  No biggie.

Last night, I came across Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen’s fashion line, Elizabeth and James.  The Spring 2009 collection was recently rolled out online.

The Olsen twins, of Full House (and what else? To Grandmother’s House We Go?) fame, named the line after their younger sister Elizabeth and older brother James.  They claim the concept behind the supposedly low-cost line is “a clash between masculinity and femininity.”  Translation: there’ll be vests involved.

I perused the Spring collection and was surprised by how devastatingly boring the clothes were - almost as snoozy as the Lauren Conrad Collection, in fact!

However, not one to be fooled by clever styling and expert photography, I decided to take a peek at looks available in the online store to see how the clothes translated from runway to regs way.

There, I was met with some of the most horrific articles of clothing I’ve ever witnessed outside of Heidiwood (another Hills fashion ref, people.  Please keep up).

A few of the most mind-boggling pieces:

The leopard pocket-boob tank goes for $245, the skank tank $195, and the I-just-took-a-major-dump-in-my-pants pants are $265.

I’m no fashion expert, but I’ve seen enough episodes of Gossip Girl to know that looking like you hang out in dive bars looking for someone to buy you a Bud Light is probably not the height of fashion.

Stick to watching reruns of Full House and lamenting the fact that your childhoods were stolen from you, Olsens.  Fashion designers you ain’t.

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, everyone!

It seems to be a slow news day so far, so here’s a few breadcrumbs to follow:

The Hills / Bromance’s Brody Jenner appeared on Live with Regis & Kelly this morning and asks for Regis’s hand in bromance.  Good move, Brodes.

Speaking of The Hills!  Former McCain-ers Heidi and Spencer have thrown their support behind Barack Obama, as evidenced by their whimsical bike ride and Baracky t-shirts.  Suck it, GOP!

[Sorry dudes, tried not to blog about them, but I find their photo ops so LOL-worthy!]

Silly Full House-themed spoof of Rick Springfield’s “Jessie’s Girl” posted on Dave Coulier’s website: “Uncle Jesse’s Girl.”  Apparently, John Stamos sent it to him.  I like picturing that exchange.

Mildly funny.  Very very very mild.

Kelly Osbourne arrested for assault! Mama didn’t raise no fool!  Oh wait, I mean the opposite of that.  It’s off to Charm School for you, Kel!

Former porn star, sock-stealer, and Kat fave Brittaney was kicked off of Rock of Love Bus last night.  Weepsauce!  I will cry each week on your behalf, Britts.

That’s all for Monday so far!  Let’s hope the day picks up with some celeb scandal!

I lurved Full House when it was part of ABC’s TGIF line-up. The hijinks those Tanners got into each week! Psycho-clean Danny Tanner (Bob Saget) is one of my favorite TV dads, Uncle Joey (Dave Coulier) talked like Popeye or a woodchuck and Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) was always pretending he was Elvis. Comedy gold!

So why am I so disturbed to hear this recent gab from Candace “Donna Joe ‘DJ’ Tanner” Cameron Bure?

“John [Stamos] has been working on a semi-remake of ‘Full House.’ I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweetin. We would revive our characters, but today as young women.”

NO! That doesn’t sound remotely appealing to me. First of all, the actresses who once played Tanner daughters DJ (Cameron Bure), Stephanie (Sweetin) and Michelle (Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen) are no longer sweet “young women.” They’re now better known as Jesus freaks, over-siliconed meth addicts and boring waifs with eating disorders, respectively.

I ain’t want none of that.

Hollywood, stop the madness and leave the Tanners where they belong - to R.I. some P. in the graveyard of cornball sitcoms gone by.

And no funny ideas about bringing Family Matters or Step By Step back either. Let’s remember those lovable kids as they were, and not for being old arse bummers.

Need proof? Check this ABC TGIF fan MUST-SEE: Kids of TGIF: Where are they now?