Yes, there is a show called The Biggest Loser, but that’s not what this post is regarding. I’m talkin’ ’bout all our fave peeps who sucked it up this year and can’t wait for 2k8 to be over!
She made us all chortle with her folksy dumbassness, charmed us with her MILFy makeovers and catchy catch phrases, and inspired a porno, but ultimately cost old man McCain the presidential election and set the feminist plight back 4-5 years (says me, okay?). And kudos to her 18-year-old daughter Bristol for poppin’ a baby maverick out last week. Sucks to be you, Sarah Palin!
Hey, does anyone else think Sarah Palin sort of looks like Tina Fey?
For weeks and weeks Gossip Girl fans had to sit around watching Serena prance about town with ugly, pretentious Brooklyn artist Aaron and wonder what she saw in him. The crappy art? The armpit-hairesque goatee? The blank, lifeless gaze? Even Gossip Girl author Cecily von Ziegesar called the TV version of her character “slimy,” while real-life Brooklyn artist Aaron Rose wishes they had made him “cooler.”
Guess what! Rumor has it we’ll never have to see Aaron Rose again! They gonna write him out lickety-split as if he were Judy Winslow on Family Matters. Sucks to be you, fake Aaron Rose!
Now this next one’s an oldie but a goodie. Doi, former Friends star Jennifer Aniston is one of 2008’s biggest losers. First, there’s that whole “uncool” thing, where she basically lets us all know she totally still writes about Brangelinagate in her diary. And THEN, when that somewhat dies down, she whips out her self-tanner, poses naked in GQ (I’m 40 and fabulous, you guys!) and says a bunch of unfunny things about the Jolie-Pitts in an effort to convince us she’s got a sense of humor about the whole thing. You could smell the desperation!
She’s basically that girl you dumped 4 years ago who sleeps with all your friends to get your attention, friend requests your current girlfriend on Facebook, and tells your mutual buds that you really hurt her but she’s so glad you’re out of her life now and is totally ready to move on, watch out, 2009, it’s a new me!
It was FOUR YEARS AGO, hypothetical crazy girl!
That one was for all you heterosexual gentlemen out there. Sucks to be you, Jennifer Aniston!
Oh noes! I can has bank loan?
Oopsies! The economy totally sucks and everyone’s losing their job and Dorothea Lange isn’t even around to photograph how bummed we all are so we can show our kids later. MEGA BUMMER!
Sucks to be you, economy!
Cheersies all around! Here’s to an awesome 2009, from Square Eyes!