Oh snap!  Cougar Town, that show I’ve been trashing without seeing for the past few months, finally premieres tonight at 9:30 p.m. on ABC.

To refresh your mem, Friends’s Courteney Cox stars as Jules, a divorcée/real estate agent whose neighbor bets she can’t pull in younger men the way he does women.  All the while, Cox delivers lines like: “I was 19, I started thinking with my coochie-cooch, and then, bam, I had a kid.” Hilarity ensues!

Gross me out!

I read a few reviews of the show and it seems common consensus is that the problem with the show isn’t Courteney Cox (who we can all agree is a wholly decent comedic actress), but the concept itself.  I particularly liked this excerpt from the Los Angeles Times’s review:

This is a real show whose main conceit is that having sex with a younger man is fun and exciting for women over 40. Crude stuff for a family newspaper, but despite the warm-and-fuzzy-celebrity cred that star Courteney Cox brings to it, some funny lines and good acting all around, Cougar Town is a crude show, built on jokes about oral sex and droopy breasts, a show in which words like “coochie” are used with regrettable abandon… Clearly, creators Bill Lawrence and Kevin Biegel (both previously of Scrubs) are trying to take on some legitimate issues, and no doubt there is pathos and insight to be gleaned from a divorced woman staring down her mid-40s as her child prepares to leave the nest, wondering if this is as good as it is ever going to get. But that is no excuse, and I mean whatsoever, for having that woman look at a shirtless young man and say, “I want to lick him.”

Travis (Dan Byrd of Aliens in America) is Jules‘ teenage son, whose actual adolescence is being preempted by his mother’s second go-round. Jules seems to take pride in her lack of boundaries, giving their relationship an ick factor that even Byrd’s quietly hilarious performance cannot overcome. He does his very best, though, stealing every scene he’s in. “Why don’t you laugh at my jokes?” his mother asks after she cracks one about the fact that, in an attempt to prove her attractiveness, she flashed a neighbor kid. “Because they make me sad,” Travis says, giving voice to us all.

Wow.  That is some seriously poignant shizz right there.  Let’s all watch Cougar Town tonight and cry.

Wow!  It’s really surprising to me that it’s been a whole 15 years since we were first introduced to the gang of Friends.

To commemorate the occasion, Warner Brothers is releasing the entire series, as well as Best-of character and theme collections on iTunes.  Ultimate Friends fanatics can watch all their favorite episodes from start to finish, or refine their viewing habits to favorite character episodes only.

They’ve put out a free sneak preview, with a Best of Ross Geller video.  Check him out:

Not sure if this is weird/uncommon or not, but Ross is actually MY favorite character.  Something about David Schwimmer’s comedic timing and physical humor really gets me - he must’ve been a drama geek in high school or something, cuz he’s really got the awkward body language / speech down.

Methinks Ross likely a sleeper hit.  I assume the rest of you are into Chandler (obnox!) or Joey (dumbbb!).  Let’s face it, the girls are pretty snoozy.

Or am I wrong?  Can anyone make a good case for a different character?

[Source: EW]

Blarf!  Remember how weirded out we were to learn that Courteney Cox had signed on to star in a sitcom called Cougar Town? Remember how dismayed we all were to find out how low our beloved Friends’s standards had dropped?

Okay, maybe it was just me… but you’re about to agree 100%.

What I’m about to show you isn’t easy on the eyes.  Posted today, it’s two preview clips from Cox’s new show, Cougar Town, premiering this fall no ABC.  Observe:

Sacre bleu!  I’m at a loss for words.  What is with the over-the-top delivery of those embarrassing jokes?  I don’t remember Courteney Cox ever being so awkwardly zany, either.

Perhaps she’s better suited for the quippy, dry East Coast humor of her youth (see: Family Ties, Friends).  Us Californians are SO obnoxious.

I blame Jennifer Aniston.

HA!  TV Squad recently posted a few television commercials starring beloved before-they-were-famous celebs.  My two faves:

Jason Alexander for McDonald’s:

Seinfeld’s George Costanza getting super stoked over the new McDLT!  He sings, he dances, he has a full head of hair!  I’m into it.  I really admire his enthusiasm.

Matt LeBlanc for Heinz. Turn the sound up for this one:

Very Mentos-esque, no?  That’s Joey Tribbiani from Friends (and Joey - yecch!) gettin’ crafty with some Heinz ketchup.  I really like how being a hunk in the late ’80s meant looking pensive and flipping your collar up.  Just look at the Coreys.

These sorts of commercials are exactly the sort of thing the Internet’s good for, in case you were wondering. Got any others?

Oh, WHAT?  Now, this is just ridonkulous.

Fine.  So no one told her life was gonna be this way.  Her job’s a joke, she’s broke!  Her love life’s D.O.A!  And now, apparently Jennifer Aniston is going around telling everyone she wants to be artificially inseminated! Her biological clock is ticking and she’s got no man, after all.  Jen must feel like her life is always stuck in second gear. Time for some invitro fertilization, I guess.

But that’s not even the ridonk part!

The ridonk part is, bummer Jen’s top candidate for baby daddy is none other than David Schwimmer, a.k.a. the Ross to her Rachel on Friends!

Life imitating art or whaeva.  In case you missed the 789th season of Friends, Ross and Rachel had a baby together.  Doi.

I realize this goss is from the National Enquirer, so it likely isn’t true, but COME ON!  Would you really not believe that Jennifer Aniston lives in a fantasy world where she actually thinks she’s  Rachel Green?  She’s had a tough year, people.  Some people need to retreat into a world of make-believe or whatevs to get by.  They’re called actors.

Though I understand the logic behind bummer Jen’s sperm donor choice, I’m gonna have to put my two cents in anyway: Jen, will you PLEASE let Schwimmer’s tour end here and accept Bret Michaels’ all-access pass to his heart in order to continue rocking his world?

Yeah?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybodyyyy!

In the grand spirit of Irish stereotypes and hating on Jennifer Aniston, we’ve taken a cue from Scandalist and decided to post the climactic scene from the movie Leprechaun featuring bummer Jen:

Yup, before she played the well-groomed Rachel Green on Friends and let her love for Brad Pitt linger desperately long, Jen played character Tory Reding in the 1993 film.  Tory’s mission was to save her friends from an angry leprechaun on a killing spree whose pot o’ gold had been taken from him by, you know, finding a four leaf clover in a clover patch and whatnot.

No, that’s not a Lucky Charms cereal commercial, it’s a feature-length film, dummies.  Love it or leave it!

Oh, and in case you hadn’t heard, Jen and John Mayer broke up AGAIN, so if you don’t have any plans for the evening, I suggest you watch He’s Just Not That Into You and pour out an Irish Car Bomb in honor of our favorite Debbie Downer.

Too soon?  Uncool, Kat.

Wahoo!  Here’s what Bret Michaels, star of Rock of Love, Rock of Love 2, and Rock of Love Bus had to say about Friends / whateverthatmoviescalled star Jennifer Aniston:

“There is no doubt I find Jennifer to be very hot, smart, funny down-to-earth and a great actress. She is creative and seems to be on top of her business as well. Most importantly, she seems like someone you could take home to meet mom — yet, behind closed tour bus doors, she could rock your world. I am really just stating the facts as I see them.”

On her relationship with John Mayer, he says he respects it, “but should John fall out of the picture for some reason… I’m just saying.”

Hey-ohhh!  As a huge Bret Michaels fan and a big believer that Jennifer Aniston is a total bummer, this hypothetical coupling warms me to my core.  Jennifer Aniston alone?  Sad and pathetic.  Jennifer Aniston and Bret Michaels?  A couple of adorable forty-year-olds who’ve decided there’s honor in settling for less and will forever live a warm life of mind-numbing comfort, crying in each other’s arms and flat-ironing one another’s hair!

Will you stay in this house and continue to rock Bret Michaels’s world, Jen?

And P.S., go ahead and lie to my face and tell me you can’t picture this young lady writhing around on stage wearing stone-washed denim and a Poison t-shirt cut off at the shoulders:

GET ON THE BUS, JENNIFER ANISTON!

Yes, there is a show called The Biggest Loser, but that’s not what this post is regarding.  I’m talkin’ ’bout all our fave peeps who sucked it up this year and can’t wait for 2k8 to be over!

Sarah Palin

She made us all chortle with her folksy dumbassness, charmed us with her MILFy makeovers and catchy catch phrases, and inspired a porno, but ultimately cost old man McCain the presidential election and set the feminist plight back 4-5 years (says me, okay?).  And kudos to her 18-year-old daughter Bristol for poppin’ a baby maverick out last week.  Sucks to be you, Sarah Palin!

Hey, does anyone else think Sarah Palin sort of looks like Tina Fey?

Aaron Rose

For weeks and weeks Gossip Girl fans had to sit around watching Serena prance about town with ugly, pretentious Brooklyn artist Aaron and wonder what she saw in him.  The crappy art?  The armpit-hairesque goatee?  The blank, lifeless gaze?  Even Gossip Girl author Cecily von Ziegesar called the TV version of her character “slimy,” while real-life Brooklyn artist Aaron Rose wishes they had made him “cooler.”

Guess what!  Rumor has it we’ll never have to see Aaron Rose again!  They gonna write him out lickety-split as if he were Judy Winslow on Family Matters.  Sucks to be you, fake Aaron Rose!

Jennifer Aniston

Now this next one’s an oldie but a goodie.  Doi, former Friends star Jennifer Aniston is one of 2008’s biggest losers.  First, there’s that whole “uncool” thing, where she basically lets us all know she totally still writes about Brangelinagate in her diary.  And THEN, when that somewhat dies down, she whips out her self-tanner, poses naked in GQ (I’m 40 and fabulous, you guys!) and says a bunch of unfunny things about the Jolie-Pitts in an effort to convince us she’s got a sense of humor about the whole thing.  You could smell the desperation!

She’s basically that girl you dumped 4 years ago who sleeps with all your friends to get your attention, friend requests your current girlfriend on Facebook, and tells your mutual buds that you really hurt her but she’s so glad you’re out of her life now and is totally ready to move on, watch out, 2009, it’s a new me!

It was FOUR YEARS AGO, hypothetical crazy girl!

That one was for all you heterosexual gentlemen out there.  Sucks to be you, Jennifer Aniston!

The Economy

Oh noes!  I can has bank loan?

Oopsies!  The economy totally sucks and everyone’s losing their job and Dorothea Lange isn’t even around to photograph how bummed we all are so we can show our kids later.  MEGA BUMMER!

Sucks to be you, economy!

Cheersies all around!  Here’s to an awesome 2009, from Square Eyes!

Ever the trendsetter, I’ve decided that 2008 is sooo last year, so let’s book it to 2009 with old man Clark, get plastered, suck face with a random when the ball drops and get funky fresh like Ross and Monica’s NYE dance routine on Friends:

Happy New Year - see you in ‘09!

Chomp up those last few advent calendar chocolates, kiddies, it’s almost Xmas time!

This time of year is good for 3 things: family, food, and TV.  I could go on about the holy trinity of holiday timez all day, but let’s face it, folks, we should probably just stick to TV.

I’ve got a grip of favorite holiday episodes that I’m not afraid to pull out off the top of my head.  Prepare to be dazzled by my TV memory and holiday cheer:

- The episode in seas 2 of Beverly Hills, 90210 where Brenda brings that homeless Santa dude home with her for Xmas and the Walshes are like HELLO! This is Beverly Hills, not Minnesota!  That homeless man could be Gary Busey on a bender! But then it turns out okay cuz homeless people that you help on Xmas are actually probs just real Santa testing you.

- The episode of Saved By The Bell where Zack meets some babe at the mall and then finds out her dad is homeless or something and takes em all home but no one freaks out cuz they’re reasonably attractive.

- The episode of My So-Called Life where Rickie is kicked out of his house and Angela goes looking for him with the help of a homeless gal played by singer-songwriter Juliana Hatfield who is clearly an angel, and NOT Santa testing you.

- The episode of The O.C. where no one is homeless but there’s Chrismukkah(!), a holiday Seth created on account of having a Jewish dad and Protestant mom.  It’s characterized by eight days of presents and one day of many presents.  The Seth / Summer / Anna love triangle is in full swing, but Summer beats Anna’s clever, thoughtful gift by dressing up as Wonder Woman.  Sex it up for the holidays, ladies!

- The episode of The Office where Michael gets dumped by Carol because he superimposes his head on her ex-husband’s body in a family photo.  Andy convinces him to go to Benihana to perk up, where they pick up two waitresses and take them to the two competing office holiday parties (Pam/Karen vs. Angela).  Michael can’t tell the Benihana waitresses apart, so he marks his date’s arm with a Sharpie.  HA!

- Honorable mentions: Seinfeld’s Festivus episode and “The One With The Holiday Armadillo” on Friends.

If you haven’t seen any of these, go watch ‘em on blinkx Remote.  Square Eyes will be on vacay starting tomorrow, so you won’t have anything to keep your spirits up anyway. And I would really hate for you to turn to the bottle on our account.

Happy Hols, everyone!