Finally.

There’s a lot to complain about when it comes to TV. Bristol Palin getting a reality show. Jay Leno beating Letterman in ratings every night. The fact that there isn’t a 24 hour Pawn Stars network. But we can’t lose sight of why we love TV! Here are some of this week’s reasons:

-Community returns in 2 weeks! I don’t know about you, but even the return of 30 Rock hasn’t been able to fill the void that removing Community form NBC’s Thursday night line-up has left. But, after a few months of uncertainty, we have a solid return date: March 15th! If you haven’t ever watched Community, you’ve got 2 weeks to catch up and tune in live. If it’s going to return in the fall it could use all the help it can get.

-Urkel is joining Dancing with the Stars! This is beyond exciting for any kid who grew up in the 90’s, because it could finally lead to the Urkel career resurgence we’ve all been praying for. The last time I saw Jaleel White it was in a straight to DVD movie called Who Made the Potato Salad? (yes, this movie exists and yes I rented it based on that title alone), so he could use the paycheck. If he puts on those suspenders and glasses for a tango he can probably win the season.

-James Spader is leaving The Office! Sorry if there are any big Robert California fans out there (somehow I doubt it), but trying to fill the void left by Steve Carell with Spader’s odd, unsettling character did a whole lot to make this season feel even more of a miss, not to save it. The Office team seemed to forget that the British version made a name for itself with uncomfortable, awkward laughs, but unfortunately Spader’s character only nailed the first two…

-Gak is back! That green slime that any Nickelodeon kid should remember well is back on the shelves. I will gladly pay $4.99 for that little bottle of nostalgia.

Eek! Nancy! Cover your modesty!

Dancing With The Stars (hahaha, STARS) had its first wardrobe malfunction last night–call Janet Jackson, because Nancy Grace is now on her side! Anything can happen on reality television, and now it has. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened on DWTS (strategically placed sequins, skimpy costumes, spandex: all ripe ingredients for failure), but it’s certainly the first time Nancy Grace’s dinners have captivated a nation. Let’s give thanks for her habitual pantsuits, and hope the costumers and stylists have invested in plenty of double-stick tape!

I, thankfully, missed out, due to the two hour premiere extravaganza of Terra Nova on Fox. The future and the past collide! It was a slightly less-than-solid introduction, mostly due to dramatic pauses, reliance on obvious plot twists, and a rather heinous boy (the oldest son–give me a break!). There were moments of awesome, followed by moments of annoyance, and it was an uneven ride to the end.

The year is 2149 or thereabouts, and the planet is gross, polluted, and overpopulated. There’s a two-child policy per family (it’s the law), and guess who’s broken that law? That’s right, the Shannon family! Yes, police officer father Jim and neuro-something doctor mother Elisabeth have three kids–teenage Josh, somewhat less teenage Maddie, and small Zoe. Jim gets put in the slammer for a couple years (only two–and Josh acts like it’s twenty!) but Elisabeth magically breaks him out, and through a series of contrived events (practically like The Event), they make it to one billion B.C. Ok, fine: not quite one billion, but 86 million. The Cretaceous period. Whatev. Hijinks ensue!

Overall: interesting enough premise to keep me watching, but if it starts going the way of The Event–double-speak, lame fake intrigue, overhype (too late on that one), I’ll go back to The Lying Game (which gets better every week!).

From the reaction to the recent casting news of Dancing With the Stars you’d think that Osama Bin Laden had been re-animated and trotted out to dance for America. Or maybe Spencer Pratt, he’s basically just as hated, right? But no, all the controversy that has been kicked up is about Chaz Bono. Who knew Sonny and Cher’s daughter would ever be a hot button issue. But that he is, particularly because he’s a he. Chaz Bono has gone through a very public sex change, documenting her experience in a book and countless TV interviews to try and spread awareness of people who feel they are trapped in a similar struggle that she was. And to make money. I really never knew someone could make a career out of going through dramatic plastic surgery. I mean at least Michael Jackson could sing. But by all account Chaz Bono seems like a perfectly lovely, fun person who honestly sees his current fame as a way to make other folks like him feel less ostracized. Boy, going on Dancing With the Stars sure backfired there.

The internet immediately exploded with hateful comments about the casting, with conservatives claiming that it acts as endorsement for what they see as a sinful lifestyle that is helping to erode our country and that it will warp the minds of their innocent children. First of all, if there is anything sinful that is helping to erode our country it’s that shows like Dancing With the Stars are ratings juggernauts while the Arrested Developments and Party Downs of the world get canceled. Second of all, if your kid is actually watching and enjoying Dancing With the Stars they already have way more issues than Chaz Bono dancing around could add to. Put them in front of some cartoons for goodness sake! And finally, since when do conservative middle Americans run dancing competitions? I thought the gays had control over that!

And really, shouldn’t we all be upset that Nancy Grace is in the cast? If anything endorses a horrible trend in America it’s supporting her in any financial way. That woman is just the worst.

First, the amazingness of Jimmy Fallon and Stephen Colbert, from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, featuring Rebecca Black’s soon-to-be-classic song, Friday! It’s Friday, Friday, Friday INDEED! Watch it several times. A former American Idol appears! And The Roots.

Then, last night, Maks dropped Kirstie during Dancing With The Stars! They recovered, but dang, man! He claims his thigh gave out.

And finally, the trailer for Season 3 of 16 and Pregnant. On the plus side, there seem to be more women/families of color featured in the new season. On the minus, there also seems to be a higher incidence of on-camera violence. Is it because MTV is becoming more comfortable with showing domestic violence, or because the featured families are more inclined to it? And would showing it make teens more inclined to get knocked up, or less? Does this mean we’re also in for Teen Mom 3? Say it ain’t so, MTV! I’d rather see these fools end up on another Dad Camp, with Dr. Jeff Gardere! MOAR DAD CAMP.

See, these are the kinds of feuds I can really get into! The kind where I don’t really care about either person involved and can just watch as spectator sport! This is kind of an odd one, since I don’t think I ever would have guess Kirstie Alley and George Lopez would be fighting over a joke he made. Mostly because I would think by this point Kirstie Alley has built up a hard, outer shell to ward off fat jokes (a lesser writer would make an M&M joke here) and because I honestly had no idea anybody actually watched Lopez Tonight.

But apparently George Lopez made some jokes about Kirstie Alley appearing on Dancing with the Stars (surprise, surprise: they were about her weight!) and Kirstie wasn’t a fan. Now if Kirstie was to go to war with every comedian who made a fat joke about her, she’d be a very busy girl. She’s kind of a late night monologue staple (a lesser writer would make a stomach stapling joke here), but then again that’s kind of something she’s invited. There are plenty of pleasantly plump celebs who get left alone, but when you star in shows called Fat Actress and Kirstie Aley’s Big Life, featuring ad campaigns that feature nothing but you eating desserts, people start to think you can take a joke. And usually Kirstie can, but I guess it was the especially ugly nature of Lopez’s joke that got to her. He flat out called her a pig.

George said her routine looked like a pig with “little hooves tapping away” and that “before the show, she went to the market and then she had roast beef.” He finally played a video of a pig in a car, claiming that it was Alley. Really, couldn’t dig up some B-roll of a pig on the dance floor? Try a little harder, Lopez Tonight research department! So how did Kirstie react? Well first she made some really strained 3 Little Pigs analogy and seemed to threaten to throw George Lopez into a boiling vat of vodka. It wasn’t the strongest comeback. But after Lopez tried to apologize she hit back hard with this one!

BOOM! For those who don’t know, George Lopez recently divorced his wife who had given him a kidney not too long ago. Now if someone finds George Lopez in a bathtub full of ice with a kidney cut out, we have Twitter proof of who did it. So I guess I’m on Team Kirstie this time, because her joke was funnier.

Kirstie Alley shows ‘em how it’s done

Last night wasn’t just any Monday night, it was the return of Dancing With the Stars Monday night. Trumpets sounded, doves were released, people misguidedly dubbed ’stars’ danced. All on ABC, I swear! And it could have been worse–but isn’t that usually true with reality shows?

First to dance were Mark Ballas and Chelsea Kane (the Disney tween star). Together they performed a decent foxtrot–give Chelsea some credit, I mean, female Disney child stars do try to become triple threats, so she has to be at least a passable dancer. They did all right, with the judges giving them 7s across the board.

Next up is talk show (and former radio) host Wendy Williams, who most people know from The Soup. She’s ridiculous, but she knows it and it works for her. “How you doin’?!” Things are not looking so good in her rehearsal footage, as she cries all over partner Tony Dovolani. It’s the first rehearsal, Wendy! Pull yourself together! Their cha cha does not inspire confidence, nor does it shout Wendy Williams. She’s stiff and timid, not brash and exuberant like one might expect. Oh, Wendy! Her scores (a 5, a 4, a 5), are not particularly great. Hang in there, sister!

Hines Ward, token professional athlete, is (compared to past pro athletes) a tiny little man. And that’s a good thing, because these dancing ladies tend to be tiny little women. Hines is a terrible dancer–you’d think a football player, regardless of size, would have a bit more grace. He even drops his partner, Kym Johnson, during rehearsal (smooth move, man). But, for all that, he’s not terrible at the cha cha (two cha chas in a row!). The man oozes charm and charisma, and that makes up for the lack of skillz. He comes up with straight 7s, just like Disney princess Chelsea (performance vs. technique).

Supermodel and tsunami survivor Petra Nemcova was next on the scene, with partner (and So You Think You Can Dance alum) Dmitry Chaplin. Her pelvis was broken during the tsunami, which might limit some of her movement. Less concerned she seems to be (a little Yoda for you) about her height; I’ll tell you now, model does not automatically equal graceful (much like athletes). And they do a foxtrot, and it’s fine. Straight 6s from the judges.

(Formerly Lil’) Romeo (Miller) is not only a rapper (I feel like that should be ‘former rapper’), but an actor, too! After this show, will he be a dancer? Time will tell. He is partnered with another SYTYCD alum, Chelsie Hightower, and thinks she’s smokin’ hot. Well, she is.  I thought he’d be better, being a performer and all, but he’s stiff and messy. Terrible as he is at the cha cha, his father (Master P) was worse, so I guess that’s something. A 7 and two 6s for (Lil’) Romeo!

Boxing great Sugar Ray Leonard does his best! But he was okay, overall. Good energy and performance with partner Anna Trebunskaya, poor skillz. There is room for improvement, but you know, not terrible for a foxtrot. I did pick him as the winner, and I might be rethinking that now. Two 6s and one 5 for Mr. Leonard.

Kendra Wilkinson. Oh, girl. What you lack in musicality you sort of make up for with enthusiasm. Louis van Amstel probably agrees with me, although you looked like a deer in the headlights last night, doing your ‘classy’ cha cha. I think it’s admirable that you’re considered a star enough for this show (perhaps it’s all those Us Weeklies and People covers you’ve done), so you earned your sixes.

The Karate Kid! Ralph Macchio! He looks the same as he did back then (just like Mark Hamill). He won’t stop over-analyzing everything and his partner, Karina Smirnoff, has to rein him in a bit. Deep breaths, Daniel-san! They foxtrot to Frank Sinatra, and he’s pretty good! Smooth moves! Surprisingly excellent, I think–everyone is surprised! They get the highest scores of the night: eights all around!

I used to watch WWE (and Best Week Ever), so I am familiar with Chris Jericho. Unfortunately, Chris Jericho is not so familiar with dancing. Cheryl Burke does what she can, and he doesn’t look bad, just inconsistent. With small movements. The judges think it was pretty good, entertaining, and give him slightly higher marks than I would (a 7 and two 6s).

I have never heard of “Psycho” Mike Catherwood, who must have the patience of a saint to put up with the horrible Dr. Drew Pinsky on Loveline. And he’s not very good; SYTYCD alum Lacey Schwimmer does what she can (aww her hair looks gross), but wow. They pulled the foxtrot, and… well, not very good. They receive the lowest scores of the night: two 4s and a 5. Suck it up and dance!

Last, but not least, is 60 (!) year old Kirstie Alley, who is many things to many people. She has trouble keeping up with Maks Chmerkovskiy in rehearsal, but who wouldn’t? And lemme tell ya, Kirstie is GOOD. She is a GREAT dancer! She works it left, right, and center! She cha chas the heck out of this cha cha. Talk about a dark horse! The judges are totally into it, and reward her with two 8s and a 7. You go, girl!

Man–I thought this season would be sad and boring. So far, I’m glad to be proven wrong!

ABC: Constantly redefining the meaning of “stars”

There’s no easy way to say this, but–and I know I said it last season–Dancing With The Stars producers are really scraping the barrel and stretching the definition of ’stars’ with this latest batch of celebrity has-beens and never-weres. This is the twelfth season of the show, so it’s not exactly surprising the celebrity bar keeps getting lowered, but this is the first time I’m having so many ‘who the heck are you?!’ moments. Here’s what I know about these people based entirely on what’s in my brain, rather than what might be available on the internet. Hold your hats and hide your cats, the list of has-beens includes:

* Kirstie Alley, who used to be funny (Look Who’s Talking, even Veronica’s Closet, anyone?) but has slowly devolved into a sad sack of her former funny self. All the self-pitying jokes in the world won’t make this Scientologist a star.

* Ralph Macchio is the one and only Karate Kid. Kind of like how Mark Hamill is, and will only ever be, Luke Skywalker.

* Romeo, son of Master P, formerly known as Lil’ Romeo. At one time, he rapped.

* Petra Nemcova (on the brink–on the brink of never-was), a swimsuit model who survived the massive Indian Ocean tsunami in 2004 by clinging to a tree; her photographer boyfriend was swept away. Briefly (or maybe still?) dated tiny singer James Blunt.

And the never-weres (never were stars, darlings, never were STARS):

* Mike Catherwood, I confess, I had to google. Turns out he’s a Loveline host. Really–that’s still on the air?

* Chelsea Kane, I also had to google. She’s another Disney star, following in Kyle Massey’s footsteps.

* Chris Jericho (do not fight me on this one, WWE fans), a WWE Superstar who’s sort of made the leap into a television career. Very funny on VH1 shows like Best Week Ever and I Love the ’90s.

* Sugar Ray Leonard (fabulous athlete, yes; star, no) is a retired pro boxer. He should be pretty light on his feet, yeah?

* Hines Ward is a football player. Right?

* Kendra Wilkinson is an original The Girls Next Door Hugh Hefner girlfriend. Currently married to Hank Baskett, and mother to Hank Jr. Has an…interesting…laugh, but isn’t afraid to make a damn fool of herself.

* Wendy Williams used to be a radio star, I think? And has an eponymous talk show often mocked on The Soup.

Pretty tepid list, eh? No obvious ringers this year, either (ahem, Brandy, Nicole Scherzinger, Jennifer Grey). If I end up watching (which is doubtful, because…come on), I’d want Wendy Williams to take home the mirrorball trophy, if only because it would give Joel McHale fodder for years!

Vince Neil: one time biggest rocker in the world, current figure skater

I’m sure by now you all know there is a new reality competition show on TV called Skating With the Stars. It premiered this week and I’m certain most “I’m thankful for…” speeches around your Thanksgiving table this year made mention of it. Finally, a show about celebrities ice-skating! How come no one has thought of this before? It’s perfect for those who like the concept of Dancing with the Stars, but would like to see them slip on ice and possibly get sliced by their own bladed shoes more often. And with the caliber of stars on Dancing With the Stars this year (David Hasselhoff was sadly the biggest celeb amongst them, and somehow he got kicked off first), who are the lucky “stars” who couldn’t get booked on Dancing and have to humiliate themselves on ice?

Vince Neil of Motley Crue fame is probably the biggest star since he was the lead singer of one of the biggest bands of the 80’s. Sure, since then he has most notably appeared on The Surreal Life, but he still was a star at one point. Next up is Bethenny Frankel, who apparently just jumps from one reality show to another, including The Real Housewives of New York City and Bethenny Getting Married? I like that the question mark is included, because as someone with no familiarity, I don’t get how she went from a Housewife show to a bridal show. Did they forget Bethenny’s Bitter Divorce in between? Brandon Mychael Smith is a rapper/actor known for his roles on Sonny With a Chance and Phil of the Future, so this is good training for when his career flat-lines and he has to reprise those roles on tour with Disney on Ice. Johnny Moseley is an Olympic Skier, meaning he has an unfair proximity to skating advantage. And finally Sean Young is an actress who nobody seems to hire anymore and Rebecca Budig is from the soap opera All My Children, so the old people who actually know she is can’t stay up late enough for a prime-time TV show and sure as heck can’t program a DVR. Boy oh boy, quite the stars indeed!

Remember earlier when I questioned why no one had thought of this concept before? Well I’m sure most of the world forgets, but they did. It was called Skating with Celebrities and only aired 4 years ago, but nobody remembers because it failed. And sadly, with celebrities like Dave Coulier from Full House, honorary Keeping up with the Kardashians featured player Bruce Jenner, model/weather lady/actress? Jillian Barberie, and Todd Bridges (Willis form Diff’rent Strokes), I’d say it was way more star-studded than this new incarnation. Sorry Johnny Moseley, you’re just no Willis. Nobody quotes a catchphrase with a reference to you in it.

The first star gets kicked off tonight, with many speculating that Vince Neil will be the one to go. Because why not kick off the one cast-member who actually did sell out world tours? At least he might be able to get a Rock of Love style gig out of it…

Sick of seeing her yet? Don’t worry readers, the finale is this week

I realize sometimes I can get a bit lengthy when discussing TV, so here is a quickfire TV news round-up for those with short attention spans! Oh who am I kidding, you probably already skipped this opening paragraph to get to the stuff about TV shows. That’s ok though, I guess this is just a precursor to the actual article, the news items probably speak for themselves when you…ah yes, what was that about getting lengthy?

The Dancing With the Stars studio was stormed by authorities on Friday, but unfortunately it wasn’t to tell them that with a finale featuring Sarah Palin’s daughter, some kid from a Disney show, and an actress who hasn’t had a noteworthy role since 1987 they are legally prohibited from using Stars in the title. Instead, FBI arrived to investigate a letter addressed to Bristol Palin that contained a white powder. Hey, why jump to negative conclusions FBI? Maybe it was one of her old Alaskan friends sending her a special magic dancing powder made from ground up caribou antlers. She could obviously use help with her dancing, and I’ve watched enough of Sarah Palin’s Alaska to know there are some crazies up there.

Mike & Molly, the CBS sitcom about a couple who meet in over-eater’s anonymous, will take some time out of their Thanksgiving episode to acknowledge the controversy started when a blogger for Marie Claire referred to the stars as “fatties” and mentioned that she can’t watch the comedy because she doesn’t want to imagine them being romantic. Although even acknowledging the remarks of an internet blogger only feeds their own ego (pun not intended, I swear), I will agree that the article was in very poor taste and I found every part of it offensive. Especially when she called the show a comedy. (Do I get a mention in the Christmas special??)

Capri Anderson, the adult film star who police found locked in a bathroom when they arrested a supposedly naked and out of his mind Charlie Sheen, has started doing the interview circuit to describe her night with the Two and a Half Men star in great detail. She claims Charlie yelled racial slurs throughout the evening, threw appliances, and even put his hands around her throat to choke her. Charlie, didn’t you hear? They already replaced Mel Gibson in The Hangover 2! Stop auditioning for his role!

Finally, who knew Anne Hathaway was funny? She hosted SNL this week and did a dead-on Katie Holmes impression. Check it out before the Church of Scientology gets it removed from Hulu! No one dares insult the bride of Cruise!

Mel and Oksana in happier times. I’d say they were a good Cliffhanger on my Stallone relationship chart

Sometimes I wish all people were as delightfully crazy as fictional characters like The Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland. Or Doc Brown from Back to the Future. Or Gary Busey from life. He’s a CGI character by Lucas Arts, right? There’s no way he’s real. But no, instead we are stuck with this lot o’ kooks…

You may have missed the news, but apparently Mel Gibson has a few issues he needs to work out and his marriage to Oksana Grigorieva could be described as rocky at best. And by that I do mean Rocky V, the worst Rocky movie of them all. When it reaches Stop or My Mom Will Shoot level we’ll really know it’s over. Yes, I now characterize failing marriages with Sylvester Stallone films. Anyway, after releasing a string of horrible phone calls with Mel a few months back, Oksana has finally been interviewed by Larry King about her marriage. She claims that one evening Mel punched her repeatedly, choked her and brandished a gun at her. Whoa there Mel! That’s a Lethal Weapon! Even though Mel did this in front of Oksana’s 12 year old son, while she had their baby in her arms, she still got back with Mel for a brief time to give it another shot. I assume it was only because Gibson is so much easier to pronounce/spell than Grigorieva. Maybe it was worth it for the hassle she avoided making reservations? Oh that’s right, he’s a monster. Probably not.

On the other side of the celebrity spectrum, Tony Danza (yeah, he’s still around) recently had an outburst at the funeral of writer/friend Philip Carlo, where celebrities like Mickey Rourke and Chuck Zito were in attendance. Unhappy with the proceedings, feeling they were insufficient to memorialize his friend, Danza stood up and yelled at the Priest, kicking him off-stage and taking over with his own stories about Carlo. When the Priest demanded he take a seat, Danza responded “Who’s the Boss? Me!” Ok that last part didn’t happen, but how amazing would that be? The fact that Tony was so upset about his friend passing is sad, but come on, you don’t try and steal the spotlight at a funeral. Even if it is the only stage/spotlight that you still have access to. Tony’s career hasn’t faired so well, I think it might be “Who’s the Temp?” these days. The most amazing part? Tony Danza was the one to cause a crazy scene at an event with Mickey Rourke in attendance. Losing your touch Mickey!

And although this man isn’t a celebrity, he probably will be soon. Steven Cowan, a 66 year old man from Wisconsin, became so enraged by Bristol Palin moving on to the finale of Dancing With the Stars that he fired a shotgun into his TV in a fit of rage. See, I sit here and complain about Bristol Palin on a blog, but there are some heroes out there actually doing something about it. He then pointed the shotgun at his wife and demanded his pistols, presumably to go shoot smaller screens that might feature a Palin doing a salsa or quick-step, like an iPod touch or a laptop. Any properly trained electronics hunter knows you don’t need a high powered weapon for those (but you do need a seasonal permit). Let’s just hope this guy doesn’t watch TLC. If he stumbles upon Sarah Palin’s Alaska he could very well embark on a shooting spree.