Whoa!  ShanDo’s getting a reality series!

Socialite Life has the scoop on Beverly Hills, 90210 / Charmed’s bad girl Shannen Doherty:

Hoping to leave behind her reputation for being difficult, Shannen Doherty is striking out on her own with a reality television series tentatively entitled, Shannen.

The 38-year-old Beverly Hills, 90210 alum recently teased of her upcoming project, “I’ll be back on TV very soon. There will be an announcement very soon. I promise you that.” A source dishes more details to E! Online, “They’re still figuring out exactly how it will be done. It may even have some scripted elements.”

Doherty has reportedly been shopping the show around to several networks and according to the snitch, “She’s excited about it, because she doesn’t want that stigma anymore of being a bitch.”

This, I can totally get behind. Finally, a reality show I can relate to!

Eh, not really.  Just love ShanDo, is all.

Funny or Die brings us a sneak preview of another remake by the fine folks at The CW.  Following in the footsteps of the Beverly Hills, 90210 remake 90210 and the revamped Melrose Place, check out the upcoming Seinfeld 2.0:

What’s the deal with how crappy that is?  Jk jk jk jk jk don’t mean to be a jerk.

A great idea, with poor execution.  I understand this is a joke about how CW shows are vapid and infused with hoodies and references to texting (sexting?).  But…. eh.  Could be much, much better.  Performing Seinfeld lines in a monotone ain’t a joke.  It’s kind of depressing.

Would’ve been funny to create new one-liners.  Throw in a joke about the Internet maybe?

So remember on Beverly Hills, 90210 how Donna Martin had like the WORST mother ever who totally acted like a moral authority on every matter even though she totally had an affair and also sucked otherwise?  Well, it turns out Tori Spelling’s actual mom is even worse!

Mommie dearest!  Check out what good ole Candy Spelling had to say about Tori on 94.7 WMAS-FM in Massachusetts today while promoting her book, Stories From Candyland:

“My daughter one day decided that she wasn’t speaking to my husband, myself and my son, and that’s how it’s continued for the last, oh gosh, four or five years. And it was sad, that’s what killed my husband, actually. He just didn’t want to live after that. He had just done everything he could possibly do for his daughter, and she wanted no part of him once he couldn’t do anything for her.”

Yeah, and she’s really gonna want to talk to you after saying something like that, Candster.  Weepsauce!  Give it a rest, woman.

BUZZKILL!

Excitement!  The 2009 TV fall line-up has been revealed and it looks like Melrose Place 2.0 will be airing right after 90210 Tuesday nights on The CW.

I know what you’re thinking: welcome to the ’90s!  It’s true; the original Melrose Place debuted directly after the original Beverly Hills, 90210 back in 1992.  Déjà vu!

The CW has released a few promo pics (see one above!), as well as a short sneak preview.  Take a look:

Ha!  Looks pretty ridic, I’d say.  Ain’t nothing more ridonkulous than a murder in a pool and a car door that opens upwards.  Can’t wait to see what they come up with next season.  So glad to be old enough to stay up past 9 p.m. on a school night!

Side note: was Ashlee Simpson-Wentz’s ’s chin always that big?

Ew.  Candy Spelling has taken to posting an open letter on her website to get in touch with her estranged daughter Tori Spelling, of Beverly Hills, 90210 fame :

That’s fine, I guess.

Though I find it interesting that this plea for reconciliation coincides with both the release of Candy’s book, Stories from Candyland, and the sale of her $150 million house.  And no biggie, but Tori’s new book, Mommywood, comes out today, and oh yeah, tonight marks the return of Donna Martin on the new 90210.

Is this one long, neverending Spelling publicity stunt?

I’m bored already.  Can’t they have a catfight in some big luxurious water fountain on the grounds of the Spelling mansion in wedding gowns or something instead?  An homage to Aaron Spelling’s work, if you will.

Hmph.  If you’ve been patient enough to regularly watch and at least mildly enjoy episodes of 90210 this season, you’re in for a rude awakening come season two.

Actually, no clue if it’ll be rude.  Judge for yourself.  Here’s the scoop: new boss Rebecca Rand Kirshner Sinclair (mouthful!) has been brought on board to rejigger the series “significantly” for the next season.

Here’s what RRKS has to say about changes to come.  This about sums it up, methinks:

“There are opportunities to embrace California culture visually in terms of fashion and style; I want it to be more contemporary. … If Gossip Girl is about youth in New York, I want to [make 90210 more] about youth in L.A. and Beverly Hills… The show tried to be a lot of things to a lot of people in its first season. I think the center lies with the generation of kids that are in high school now. I’m not interested in casting people for stunt value (Beverly Hills, 90210 alums Jennie Garth, Shannen Doherty and Tori Spelling).”

First change?  Dustin Milligan, who plays resident hunk Ethan Ward, won’t be returning to the show.  Supposedly the character has “run its course.”  Weird, right?  I thought that was a misprint when I first saw it.

Now, I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but my first reaction to all this news was one of horror and dismay.  Not casting people for stunt value?!  BORING!!!  I love me some original-flavored storylines, even if they do come with a Shannen Doherty horseface.

My next reaction to all this news?  Awesome!  I think new lady boss sounds smart, and I’m glad she’s trying to get the show to stand on its own two feet.  I’m particularly interested in seeing these new aesthetic changes, especially if “embracing” California culture visually doesn’t mean slapping some Pacific Sunwear on the cast.  I love being visually stunned!  It’s 50% the reason I watch Gossip Girl in the first place.

No, make that 70%.  The other 30% is cuz it’s ’bout the Internet.

Oh snap! Tori Spelling is reportedly thisclose to joining her Beverly Hills, 90210 BFFs Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth on the new 90210.  She’d be reprising her role as dumb-as-bricks Donna Martin, natch.

As you might recall, ole horseface Spelling was bummin’ when Shando and J.Garth showed up to the 90210 zip code with bigger salaries than what she was offered.  I guess she got over it!  Maybe she realized daddy isn’t around to line her pockets with allowance money no more.

OUCH!  That was way harsh, Kat!

Sorry, guys!

So basically, my secret wish for 90210 is for all the old characters to trickle back onto the show one by one, while the new characters are eventually phased out.  Let me rephrase that.  My secret public wish for 90210 is for all the old characters to come back to the show, while the new ones are eventually phased out it to be cancelled and replaced with Beverly Hills, 90210.

No big deal.  Except it is, to sooOOOoome people!  Luke Perry is totally pulling a Michael Cera and keeping his catcher’s mitt mug outta this one, whilst Ian Ziering says doing the show would be a “step backward.”

BUZZKILL!!!

Somewhere out there, Andrea Zuckerman is eagerly waving her hand way up high…

Happy New Year, everybody!  Square Eyes is back to bloggin’ for 2009.

And a happy birthday to Beverly Hills, 90210’s Gabrielle Carteris!  Andrea Zuckerman, our favorite condescending, Brandon-loving, knocked-up, 32-year-old teenager, is 48 years young today.

It’s a slow news week and everything’s coming up re-runs these days, okay, people?  You try to blog on a day like this!

2009, you’d better perk up.

Chomp up those last few advent calendar chocolates, kiddies, it’s almost Xmas time!

This time of year is good for 3 things: family, food, and TV.  I could go on about the holy trinity of holiday timez all day, but let’s face it, folks, we should probably just stick to TV.

I’ve got a grip of favorite holiday episodes that I’m not afraid to pull out off the top of my head.  Prepare to be dazzled by my TV memory and holiday cheer:

- The episode in seas 2 of Beverly Hills, 90210 where Brenda brings that homeless Santa dude home with her for Xmas and the Walshes are like HELLO! This is Beverly Hills, not Minnesota!  That homeless man could be Gary Busey on a bender! But then it turns out okay cuz homeless people that you help on Xmas are actually probs just real Santa testing you.

- The episode of Saved By The Bell where Zack meets some babe at the mall and then finds out her dad is homeless or something and takes em all home but no one freaks out cuz they’re reasonably attractive.

- The episode of My So-Called Life where Rickie is kicked out of his house and Angela goes looking for him with the help of a homeless gal played by singer-songwriter Juliana Hatfield who is clearly an angel, and NOT Santa testing you.

- The episode of The O.C. where no one is homeless but there’s Chrismukkah(!), a holiday Seth created on account of having a Jewish dad and Protestant mom.  It’s characterized by eight days of presents and one day of many presents.  The Seth / Summer / Anna love triangle is in full swing, but Summer beats Anna’s clever, thoughtful gift by dressing up as Wonder Woman.  Sex it up for the holidays, ladies!

- The episode of The Office where Michael gets dumped by Carol because he superimposes his head on her ex-husband’s body in a family photo.  Andy convinces him to go to Benihana to perk up, where they pick up two waitresses and take them to the two competing office holiday parties (Pam/Karen vs. Angela).  Michael can’t tell the Benihana waitresses apart, so he marks his date’s arm with a Sharpie.  HA!

- Honorable mentions: Seinfeld’s Festivus episode and “The One With The Holiday Armadillo” on Friends.

If you haven’t seen any of these, go watch ‘em on blinkx Remote.  Square Eyes will be on vacay starting tomorrow, so you won’t have anything to keep your spirits up anyway. And I would really hate for you to turn to the bottle on our account.

Happy Hols, everyone!

What the fudge?  I just came across the following picture on the Best Week Ever blog:

I’m so confused.  That’s supposed to be Tori Spelling and Audrina Patridge, from Beverly Hills, 90210 and The Hills, respectively.

I had to read and re-read and click on each link over and over to make sure they weren’t crappy additions to Madame Tussaud’s.  What a pair of pursefaces.

The eff happened to their faces?  And why are they hanging out?  And posed with their boobs touching?  And the hair?

I really feel like them being wax mannequins would really answer all these questions for me. I’m straight spooked over here.