ALERT! The rumor mill is churning!

Today’s topic: Singer Rihanna’s lovelife.  This is a very important topic, post-Chris Brown drama, as I think everyone would like to see the songstress happy.

So who is Ri-Ri reportedly dating?

90210’s Tristan Wilds!  Dixon Wilson, y’all.

I’m into it.  Dude is talented, age appropriate, and cute as a button.  I bet Jay-Z would approve, too.

Double date with Beyonce?

[Source: Perez]

Funny or Die brings us a sneak preview of another remake by the fine folks at The CW.  Following in the footsteps of the Beverly Hills, 90210 remake 90210 and the revamped Melrose Place, check out the upcoming Seinfeld 2.0:

What’s the deal with how crappy that is?  Jk jk jk jk jk don’t mean to be a jerk.

A great idea, with poor execution.  I understand this is a joke about how CW shows are vapid and infused with hoodies and references to texting (sexting?).  But…. eh.  Could be much, much better.  Performing Seinfeld lines in a monotone ain’t a joke.  It’s kind of depressing.

Would’ve been funny to create new one-liners.  Throw in a joke about the Internet maybe?

Hey, how come no one told me about this gem of a film?

In limited release starting today (where’ve I been?!), I bring you Homecoming, a film starring The O.C.’s Mischa Barton and 90210’s Jessica Stroup:

Awesome, right?

This film has got just about everything I look for in a full-length feature: 1) suspense, 2) teenagers, 3) love triangles, 4) poorly-scripted catchphrases (”I want you to start APPRECIATING my hospitality”), and 5) the potential for murder.  Looks like screenwriter Katie L. Fetting took a page from the R.L. Stine / Christopher Pike / Lois Duncan playbook.  Be still my heart!

And might I add, it’s a real treat seeing Mischa Barton on screen again.  I’d almost forgotten how awkward and hard to watch her acting is.  So stilted and unexpressive.

Homecoming is directed by Morgan J. Freeman.  No, not the cool accomplished actor guy.  This Morgan DID direct an episode of Dawson’s Creek, though.

Excitement!  The 2009 TV fall line-up has been revealed and it looks like Melrose Place 2.0 will be airing right after 90210 Tuesday nights on The CW.

I know what you’re thinking: welcome to the ’90s!  It’s true; the original Melrose Place debuted directly after the original Beverly Hills, 90210 back in 1992.  Déjà vu!

The CW has released a few promo pics (see one above!), as well as a short sneak preview.  Take a look:

Ha!  Looks pretty ridic, I’d say.  Ain’t nothing more ridonkulous than a murder in a pool and a car door that opens upwards.  Can’t wait to see what they come up with next season.  So glad to be old enough to stay up past 9 p.m. on a school night!

Side note: was Ashlee Simpson-Wentz’s ’s chin always that big?

Ooh la la!

The Bosh reports that actress Kate Hudson might be guest starring on The CW’s 90210 sometime soon.  She’s apparently good friends with Sara Foster, who plays character Naomi Clark’s older sister, Jen, and also a huge fan of Beverly Hills, 90210.

I sort of doubt a big star like Hudson would waste her time taking on a guest role on a small potatoes show like 90210 based on nostalgia… though I guess Diablo Cody was down!

Assuming this is true, who do you think Kate would play?  She’s too old to be a high schooler, so… love interest to an older cast member (Kelly swears off men?)?  Aunt Becky Debbie Wilson’s hip younger sister (total free spirit hippie type doi?)?  Harry’s sexy temptress secretary (omgah just like with Jim Walsh?)?

The possibilities are endless!  Oh, and p.s., if Kate decides to back out, I’m totally down to portray any of the hypothetical characters listed above.

Ew.  Candy Spelling has taken to posting an open letter on her website to get in touch with her estranged daughter Tori Spelling, of Beverly Hills, 90210 fame :

That’s fine, I guess.

Though I find it interesting that this plea for reconciliation coincides with both the release of Candy’s book, Stories from Candyland, and the sale of her $150 million house.  And no biggie, but Tori’s new book, Mommywood, comes out today, and oh yeah, tonight marks the return of Donna Martin on the new 90210.

Is this one long, neverending Spelling publicity stunt?

I’m bored already.  Can’t they have a catfight in some big luxurious water fountain on the grounds of the Spelling mansion in wedding gowns or something instead?  An homage to Aaron Spelling’s work, if you will.

Hmph.  If you’ve been patient enough to regularly watch and at least mildly enjoy episodes of 90210 this season, you’re in for a rude awakening come season two.

Actually, no clue if it’ll be rude.  Judge for yourself.  Here’s the scoop: new boss Rebecca Rand Kirshner Sinclair (mouthful!) has been brought on board to rejigger the series “significantly” for the next season.

Here’s what RRKS has to say about changes to come.  This about sums it up, methinks:

“There are opportunities to embrace California culture visually in terms of fashion and style; I want it to be more contemporary. … If Gossip Girl is about youth in New York, I want to [make 90210 more] about youth in L.A. and Beverly Hills… The show tried to be a lot of things to a lot of people in its first season. I think the center lies with the generation of kids that are in high school now. I’m not interested in casting people for stunt value (Beverly Hills, 90210 alums Jennie Garth, Shannen Doherty and Tori Spelling).”

First change?  Dustin Milligan, who plays resident hunk Ethan Ward, won’t be returning to the show.  Supposedly the character has “run its course.”  Weird, right?  I thought that was a misprint when I first saw it.

Now, I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but my first reaction to all this news was one of horror and dismay.  Not casting people for stunt value?!  BORING!!!  I love me some original-flavored storylines, even if they do come with a Shannen Doherty horseface.

My next reaction to all this news?  Awesome!  I think new lady boss sounds smart, and I’m glad she’s trying to get the show to stand on its own two feet.  I’m particularly interested in seeing these new aesthetic changes, especially if “embracing” California culture visually doesn’t mean slapping some Pacific Sunwear on the cast.  I love being visually stunned!  It’s 50% the reason I watch Gossip Girl in the first place.

No, make that 70%.  The other 30% is cuz it’s ’bout the Internet.

Hey!  So I watched 90210 last night and this and that happened and it basically bored me to tears.  Silver’s acting all bi-polar and responds to Dixon’s 143 with a “thank you,” Annie and Ethan almost do it in Palm Springs but then remember they’re totally boring and don’t, Aunt Becky Debbie and Harry perv out in a minivan, and Navid dumps Adrianna cuz she got knocked up in rehab (oops!).

And most importantly: Grandma Tabitha was conveniently written out of the show last night!  Granny Tabs is headed East to star in a TV miniseries called “Red Coats and Blue Bloods” which, per me, gives actress Jessica Walter a perfect segue into a few months hiatus from 90210 - the perfect amount of time to slam back a few more martinis and make a movie!

You know what this means, people!  It’s Arrested Development: The Movie time!  Time for Jessica Walters to take a break from playing the poor man’s Lucille Bluth on 90210 and sink back into the richer model.

[90210 fans, don't be bummed.  They've found a lush to replace Granny Tabs in the meantime!  Rumor has it Juno-scribe Diablo Cody is on board to guest star!]

Things are heating up!  There was all sorts of Arrested Development hubbub this morning, what with Jason Bateman defending Michael Cera’s decision to do/not do the movie.  Everyone’s STILL pointing fingers at Cera!

But what does Michael Cera ACTUALLY think?  Does anybody know?

And I wonder… what’s Michael Cera’s doing right now?

Oh snap! Tori Spelling is reportedly thisclose to joining her Beverly Hills, 90210 BFFs Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth on the new 90210.  She’d be reprising her role as dumb-as-bricks Donna Martin, natch.

As you might recall, ole horseface Spelling was bummin’ when Shando and J.Garth showed up to the 90210 zip code with bigger salaries than what she was offered.  I guess she got over it!  Maybe she realized daddy isn’t around to line her pockets with allowance money no more.

OUCH!  That was way harsh, Kat!

Sorry, guys!

So basically, my secret wish for 90210 is for all the old characters to trickle back onto the show one by one, while the new characters are eventually phased out.  Let me rephrase that.  My secret public wish for 90210 is for all the old characters to come back to the show, while the new ones are eventually phased out it to be cancelled and replaced with Beverly Hills, 90210.

No big deal.  Except it is, to sooOOOoome people!  Luke Perry is totally pulling a Michael Cera and keeping his catcher’s mitt mug outta this one, whilst Ian Ziering says doing the show would be a “step backward.”

BUZZKILL!!!

Somewhere out there, Andrea Zuckerman is eagerly waving her hand way up high…

Nerd alert!

Dude. I’ll see your AnnaLynn McCord nip slip pic and raise you an AnnaLynn McCord Bridal Boutique shot, courtesy of Hollywood Tuna.  Apparently, the 90210 star modeled bridal wear before making it big.  Meh, “big.”

Make sure to enlarge each shot.  I especially like her expression in the long-haired one.  I’d caption it, “What crawled up YOUR butt?”

GROSSED OUT, KAT!

Sorry, guys!

So anyway.  Is it just me or is this photo series reminiscent of all that Twin Peaks / Laura Palmer hullabaloo?  Compare, if you dare:

TWINSIES!  Sucks for AnnaLynn McCord she didn’t get cast in a crappy spin-off of THAT show, at least she’d be able to insist that people just didn’t get it when it’s canceled.  Suck it, 90210!

Yeah yeah yeah, I understand this post is a snooze.  But what’s a girl supposed to do?  It’s the holidaze!  And besides, Gossip Girl‘s all up in reruns.  I don’t feel the need to impress you people.