Awkward.

Can you believe Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom celebrated their first anniversary of marriage yesterday?  They’ve kept it together for a year!  And Snooki was there to help celebrate!  Wait—what?  Yes, dear readers: everyone in Hollywood (er, Miami?) knows each other, and Snooks and the Kardashian sisters seem to be new BFFs.  My question is, if Khloe and Lamar are sooooo in luuuuuuurve, why do they look so incredibly awkward in every photo taken of them together?  Perhaps the sisters K will make a Jersey Shore appearance!  You know Pauly D and The Situation would be on board for some smushing.  Man, I just totally grossed myself out.

Moving on!  America’s Next Top Model continued on its quest towards relevance last night with a challenge featuring incredible photographer Matthew Rolston.  Matthew Rolston is a seriously famous fellow—he’s photographed numerous celebrities, which is far more than we can say about ‘noted fashion photographer’ and judge Nigel Barker.  Ann was called first again, because she’s awesome and amazing and let’s hope 3 best photos in a row don’t come back to bite her in the ass.  My girl Esther, redheaded Dorothy Hamill lookalike Kayla, Tweedledee Chris, and cross-eyed Kendal also did quite well, but I think a lot of it was due to Mr. Rolston.  Mega-whiner Liz was called out (but not eliminated) for being a bitcher and moaner, and Tyra told her to shut her mouth and just do the job, and we’ll see how that works out next week.  Enhanced gap-toothed Chelsey and hippie Rhianna were the bottom two—Chelsey because she hella looked like an escapee from RuPaul’s Drag Race (and PS Tyra: I made that joke in my living room before you said it!), and Rhianna because she looks the same in every photo and she’s like a less-awesome Ann.  During the episode, we learned that models are awkward around opposite sex models, everyone hates Kacey, and Kacey continues to have really terrible taste in clothes (Tyra hated her shoes so much that she made Kacey take them off and put hers, Tyra’s, on instead!).  Next week, we see Lexie and Kacey get into it, complete with screaming, and a treadmill runway that looks like a lawsuit waiting to happen.  I’m diggin’ it!

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NBC insiders report that The O.C. show creator Josh Schwartz is reuniting with actress Rachel Bilson (a.k.a. Summer “Ew!” Roberts and recent guest star on How I Met Your Mother) for a new series! O.C. fans may rejoice, and yet, something about the show sounds a smidgen familiar…

According to TVGuide.com: “[The new series] Ghost Angeles will star Bilson as a young woman in L.A. who talks to the dead and helps out ghosts as they help her. Schwartz will co-write it with Ugly Betty producer Henry Alonso Myers.”

Let’s say it together shall we? Ghost Whisperer much?? Maybe Ghost Angeles (kudos the genius behind the show title, btw *snort*) will have plenty to differentiate itself from the popular-but-recently-canceled Jennifer Love Hewitt drama (”Well, you see, Ghost Angeles is set in Los Angeles whereas Ghost Whisperer was set in New York!”), but on paper? They read miiiiightily similar!

Time will tell if Ghost Angeles has the right spirit (*zing!*) to compete with Ghost Whisperer’s legacy. I think Rachel Bilson has potential if she brings her usual sass, which would be refreshing compared to J. Love’s syrupy delivery. Check Rachel in action on The O.C. - although something tells me that Summer Roberts wouldn’t have had the patience to deal with lost souls…

Lots of dude news in the media today!  Bret Michaels’ new reality show Bret Michaels: Life As I Know It starts up for real on October 18 at 10pm!  VH1 ran a teaser special in May, I think it was, that was basically a sneak peek first episode, full of Bret’s adorable kids and on-again off-again baby mama.  Does it make me like Bret Michaels even more?  Hell yeah, it does—the man shows startling glimpses of self-awareness.  It’s all that’s keeping me from making thousands of jokes about this picture:

There’s a whole lotta Photoshop going on

Former (and, uh, current) The Bachelor bachelor Brad Womack is returning to the show, this time to find love!  For realz!  Brad first appeared on The Bachelor three years ago, in 2007, and shocked the world when he pulled a Kelly Taylor and declined to choose between DeAnna Pappas and Jenni Croft (no word on if he was thinking, “I choose me!” at the time) as the final rose of his heart.  His rationalization for trying again?  He’ll meet 25-30 women he’d never meet in regular life.  Really—that’s his reasoning.  Look, buster: you could drive a MILE and meet 25-30 women you’d never otherwise meet.  And, as Brad told Ellen Degeneres, he’d walk away again if he doesn’t find twu wuv.  He takes this very seriously.  So seriously, in fact, that he’s willing to do it in front of America!  Let the heartbreak begin!  I bet a thousand dollars that the producers bring back (or are trying to bring back) DeAnna and Jenni, even though both ladies are engaged.  Pretend you don’t know! Reality television is all real!

And finally, Michael Bolton is kind of nuts, and last night’s Dancing With the Stars goes out of its way to illustrate that fact:

Katy explains to Elmo how she ordered a special shirt to corrupt America’s youth.

Apparently parents recently made a big to-do about Katy Perry appearing on Sesame Street in a low cut top to sing and play with Elmo, which begs the question: what do you expect from Katy Perry? Oh, by the way, you can watch the now “banned from the street” video of Katy and Elmo here. But seriously, did they expect Katy Perry to come dressed in a respectable pantsuit? Come on, it’s Katy Perry! At least it wasn’t Lady Gaga, who would have torn Elmo to pieces and made a dress out of him right there on the spot. The more important question is: why is Katy Perry on Sesame Street? They sure do hire some odd guest stars, like Ricky Gervais and Jonah Hill. How are kids supposed to know who these people are? But Sesame Street isn’t the only one, here are a few of my other favorite weird kid show guest appearances…

Quentin Tarantino (Muppet’s Wizard of Oz)

Sure, QT is best known for obscenity laced dialogue and graphic violence, but he’s made it clear that he always intended his films to entertain children. While promoting Kill Bill he argued that “cool” parents would take their children to see it and that he included so much bloodshed in the film because it’s “fun.” So there’s something honest about watching Tarantino enthusiastically terrify Kermit with his ideas for a fight scene in this made for TV Muppet feature. Waving a samurai sword in the puppet’s face and crawling across the table, he spouts off ideas about kung-fu fights and “busty vampire vixens” exploding into pools of blood. For all we know this could be Tarantino’s actual Muppet movie pitch that the Henson people just happened to catch on tape.

George Carlin (Thomas the Tank Engine)

The mantle of Mr. Conductor has been passed on to some interesting people, including Alec Baldwin and Pierce Brosnan, but none can top Ringo Starr’s immediate successor: George Carlin. The idea that somebody went to Carlin and asked him to be a kid’s show host is an incredible one when you consider what Carlin is famous for. He created perhaps the most well known stand-up bit of all time with “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television,” an act that should have placed him at the top of the list of people you should never hand a kid’s show over to. But somehow he managed to make his way through 4 seasons without ever calling Thomas a bad word.

Larry David (Hannah Montana)

Larry David thrust into a guest role on a popular Disney show with annoying kids and even more annoying adults. It would make a heck of an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, but when it happens in the real world it’s just painful. How did the neurotic Seinfeld co-creator, known for his love of awkward situations, manage to land himself in this one? Answer: he had kids. On the show he appears alongside his two daughters who receive a couple of lines each while they are turned away from a restaurant as Hannah Montana walks right in. Larry acts like usual Larry while the overacting of those around threatens to suffocate him. Larry is usually always irritated at something, but this might be the best reason he’s ever had.

The Hoff: Man of dance. Man of Song. Man of fashion.

Sadly in a season filled with tabloid trash and unremarkable “stars,” it was actor, singer and national treasure David Hasselhoff who was voted off Dancing With The Stars in it’s first week of the season. What is wrong with this country?! Millions gladly watched Hasselhoff flop around the floor with no shirt on, trying to eat a hamburger while plastered, but nobody wants to watch the man dance? Come on, he’s been on Broadway, he’s got some moves! Ok, saying he has “moves” might be generous but he was bound to make some pretty hilarious faces on the dance floor! Shame on you America, I’m sure some famous for the sake of being famous no-talent like The Situation or Bristol Palin (who did a very bizarre dance dressed as her mom, clearly stepping into the “trying too hard for headlines” role Kate Gosselin filled last season) will win the season. Meanwhile poor David had to take the long, lonely ride home to eat his meals off the floor again. Actually it might not have been lonely, his cars tend to talk to him. Still, I’m sorry he was voted off. Or, in honor of the man, that he was voted Hoff.

But I didn’t lose much sleep over the Hoff, because last night was the first Thursday of the new TV season. You know what that means: new NBC comedies! Community kicked off the season resolving the drama from last season’s finale (clearly getting all the stuff out of the way so we can get to the big concept episodes later in the season, like a confirmed Apollo 13 parody episode), but it still had it’s fair share of laughs. Unfortunately none really came from guest star Betty White, who didn’t have much of a role and was apparently just stunt casting to ride the Betty White hype to higher season premiere numbers. Hey, if it helps Community get better ratings and stay on TV that’s fine with me. Bring the “Bed Intruder” internet sensation guy on next episode if you have to, just don’t let Community go anywhere. 30 Rock was joke-filled and funny as usual, and The Office was pretty good, although I was hoping for a stronger premiere for Steve Carell’s last season. Hopefully they’ve got some fantastic final Michael stories for the rest of the season. In short: NBC Thursday shows, oh how good it is to have you back old friends. Except, of course, that you forgot to bring someone along. Making me wait for Parks and Recreation until mid-season and cramming this terrible Outsourced in it’s place is disturbing.

Speaking of disturbing, Justin Bieber made his acting debut this week on CSI (because if tweens love two things, it’s Bieber and procedural police dramas), and boy was it an arresting performance. I say that only because he was arrested in the episode, otherwise he was lousy. Not that it’s his fault, it was the Biebs’ first acting gig, we can’t expect an Emmy win out of the box. I’m waiting for him to alter his hair style in just the slightest until I label him a committed actor. When he has the same painstakingly crafted hairdo in a prison cell, you know he has a “don’t touch the hair” clause in his contract. But here, for your enjoyment, are all 2 minutes of Justin Bieber’s screen-time on CSI:

It was makeover day yesterday at the America’s Next Top Model ranch, which included a surprise elimination!  Boy, it didn’t take much to throw Terra White off her game, did it?  Bottom two at the first elimination (but safe), yet she can’t suck it up enough to rock her new hairstyle?  Ladies, ladies: as a short-haired vixen myself, I can’t believe the sobbing!  Embrace your new look, especially if you want to succeed!  Pouting and sulking will not make your hair grow back.  No one went bald, most stayed more or less the same, and only Kayla Ferell had a super dramatic color change (electric red!  With a Dorothy Hamill bob!).  The Amazonian Ann Ward stood out from the rest of the pack by being called first for best picture for the second week in a row, and pretty much everyone else fell flat.  Patricia Field (best known for her work on Sex and the City) was the guest judge, and she was pretty cool.  I’m appreciating how Tyra has clearly elevated this season so far.

I wish the same could be said for Project Runway.  While I love that Mondo Guerra got the win last week, I’m crushed that cutie pie Michael Drummond was given the boot.  And after watching Tim Gunn’s vlogs, I will say this: Lifetime, you need to pull it together!  Tim must have some sort of carte blanche clause in his contract, because he is not shy about making his displeasure with the producers and judges known.  Most of those designers left are on my last nerve—Ivy Higa, Andy South, Michael Costello: get thee gone!  Gretchen Jones, learn how to dress thyself.  So sayeth the general public!  Mondo for the motherlovin’ win, ya’ll!

Tonight gives us the series premiere of My Generation on ABC.  If Project Runway continues it’s cringeworthy slide, perhaps I’ll be tuning in.  Or I’ll already be watching Nikita, because it’s actually PRETTY AWESOME.

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I can’t wait for tomorrow night’s premiere of 30 Rock! I will totally be working on my Night Cheese in my slanket and LOLing like a jackarse at the shenanigans of Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) and the TGS crew!

According to Fey and the producers of 30 Rock, this season will feature more guest stars like Matt Damon (as Liz’s potentially perfect pilot boyfriend, Carol), Elizabeth Banks (back as Jack’s sassy, pregnant girlfriend Avery), Sherri Shepard (as Tracy Jordan’s sassy, pregnant wife Angie), Queen Latifah (as a congresswoman who butts heads with Jack), Rob Reiner and Paul Giamatti.

Also exciting is the anticipated LIVE episode on October 14th! Remember when the cast of ER opened their 4th season with a live episode in 1997? Well, the 30 Rock cast will do the same: perform two live shows (once for the East coast and once for the West)! Of course, compared to the ER cast, so many of the actors in 30 Rock have backgrounds in improv and live sketch shows (especially the former SNL players and hosts), so it should be a breeze unless they really challenge themselves with tricksy dialogue and wacky props.

For more details about the new season, the girl of the hour herself, Tina Fey, describes what’s in store:

And if you have goldfish memory like me, here’s a Season 4 recap compilation!

I can’t wait! Season 5 of 30 Rock begins this Thursday, Sept. 23rd, at 8:30pm on NBC! Nuke some Cheesy Blasters in the microwave and be there to watch!

Tonight is the season finale of the best show on regular cable (SyFy) that you’re not watching: Warehouse 13.  Currently finishing up its second season, Warehouse 13 is a great quirky dramatic comedy, with a great ensemble cast that includes CCH Pounder, who is fantastic and has been in everything.  The show is a kind of mix of The X-Files, a little bit of Bones, maybe some Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and a bit of Indiana Jones-style humor and intrigue.  The dialogue and character relationships really make the show pop; the special effects can be a bit cheesy, but nowhere nearly as bad as the SyFy original movies.  Check out the preview for tonight’s 9pm episode below (ps: that woman is HG Wells!):

Tonight is also the season premiere of Glee (8pm on FOX), which has been pimped, hyped, and promoted to the point where we can only hope it’s still watchable.  The episode is titled “Audition,” (it’s time for some new blood in New Directions!) and here’s a sneak peek:

If Glee isn’t really your cuppa, and you want to tell all those gleeks to zipppp it, tune into No Ordinary Family, on ABC also at 8pm tonight.  It stars Michael Chiklis (previously of The Shield) and Julie Benz (Dexter) as parents whose family vacation goes rather awry, and upon return, their whole family has changed…for the better?  Check out the extended trailer, below:

Now, I’m off to watch The Event online!  Can’t wait to see what it’s all about!

-This post brought to you by DIANA

America’s sweetheart, Steve Buscemi.

Watch out Mad Men, there’s a new critically acclaimed period drama hitting TV this Sunday to serve up some actual competition for the title “Best Show on TV.” Premiering this Sunday (9/19) at 9pm, Boardwalk Empire brings back that touch of class to HBO programming that made their original shows stand out in the first place (not that there is anything wrong with the crass, hilarious absurdity of my current favorite HBO series, Eastbound & Down, which premieres a new season the following Sunday). Created by some of the minds behind that former HBO gangster hit The Sopranos and  director extraordinaire Martin Scorcese (you know, he made some films called Goodfellas, The Departed and some of the other greatest movies ever made), Boardwalk Empire stars everyone’s favorite character actor/weird looking dude Steve Buscemi. Finally, Steve gets to step it up and be a gangster boss rather than a guy who ends up being whacked by the gangster boss! About time! Disclaimer: I tend to love Steve Buscemi in anything, so this series would have gotten a season pass recording from me based on his name alone.

Ok, enough hype about why this series is gonna be awesome, what’s it actually about? Boardwalk Empire opens on 1920 Atlantic City as Prohibition is passed into law, making alcohol illegal. And, of course, making gangsters very, very busy and very, very wealthy. Buscemi stars as “Nuchy” Thompson, treasurer and powerful political boss of Atlantic City, who splits his time between politics and general gangstery shenanigans (that’s what the tough guys refer to it as, right?). On his tail is Prohibition Agent Van Alden, played by the wonderfully talented Michael Shannon. Rounding out the core cast is Kelly MacDonald as unhappily married Irish immigrant Margaret Schroeder and Michael Pitt as Nucky’s war veteran driver Jimmy Darmody. Some folks are already saying Michael Pitt should start preparing an Emmy acceptance speech for his performance, but from the sounds of it most people involved in the show should start clearing off some shelf space for the inevitable awards. Back to the cast, since the show is based in Atlantic City history, look for appearances by noteworthy gangsters like Al Capone, Lucky Luciano and Arnold Rothstein.

The show looks amazing (with a budget in the tens of millions it looks better than most movies these days), so I would say it is well worth a watch for anyone with HBO. The first season will be 13 episodes, and although there has been no mention of a second, one would imagine something with this much critical hype has a pretty strong shot. But don’t take my word for it, check out the trailer below!

Hellcats is truly awful

The new television season sort of started last week with the series premieres of Hellcats (barf) and Nikita (cool) on The CW and Terriers (good for Veronica Mars fans!) on FX, but really kicks into gear next week, when new series start popping up all over the place.  I gotta tell you: there’s a lot that appeal to me.  Sure, I’m glad that Glee is back (but I could really do without Artie or Finn rapping, know what I’m saying?), but so many new shows look awesome that I’m not sure how I’m gonna fit my life around them!

Shockingly enough, ABC seems to have the most interesting line-up this season: No Ordinary Family, a show about superheroes (!) doing their day-to-day thing, the courtroom drama with a twist The Whole Truth, which shows both the prosecution AND the defense as they prepare for trial.  My Generation satisfies the narcissist in every Gen Y-er, being a faux-documentary about a group of people who graduated high school in 2000 (I’m sure you’ve seen a preview if you’ve gone to the movies at all in the past two months).  Finally, Detroit 1-8-7 has an opportunity to restore ABC’s former cop show glory with a gritty look at Detroit and the homicide detectives and people who live there.  I’m not one for cop shows, but hey—sounds interesting!

The aforementioned Terriers on FX is an excellent offbeat P.I. show, similar in tone to the late, great Veronica Mars.  Blue Bloods, a new cop show on CBS, stars Tom Selleck and has been getting great buzz.  Finally, the new show I’m most excited for?  Most looking forward to?  Can’t wait ‘til Halloween to see?  AMC’s The Walking Dead.  YES.  ZOMBIES ON YOUR TV SCREEN.  Based on the comic book of the same name, The Walking Dead tells the story of life after a zombie apocalypse.  Check out the trailer below, and tell me it is not the most awesome thing you’ve seen!  Hooray for fall!

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