Without Law & Order, what kind of society wold we have? Anarchy!

I’m not sure quite how to come to terms with this news. It’s like the death of a relative that you didn’t really have a great fondness for, but you would see them at holidays and got along well enough and in between you kind of forgot they existed and took for granted. I’m speaking, of course, about the cancellation of Law & Order.

Yes, after 20 years on the air, Law & Order will no longer be on our TV sets. Well, besides the 9 hours of reruns they play per day on cable. But there will be no more new episodes, which I guess would make me even more sad if I had realized new episodes were still being made at all. The good thing about Law & Order: you never really needed to keep up with the show’s continuity or even know who anyone was to enjoy Sam Waterson being awesome while flipping channels. But don’t worry readers, Law & Order will be gone after the finale on May 20, but it will not be forgotten. We still have Law & Order: SVU, Law & Order: UK, and the upcoming Law & Order: LA to give us our legal entertainment. In honor of the end of Law & Order, check out the incredible Law & Order Coloring Book by artist Brandon Bird. Kids need to learn how criminal justice works! And how colorful it is!

Unfortunately, that’s not the only show ending it’s run. Jack Bauer will also be hanging up his badge as 24 comes to an end this season, with an ending that the producers promise will be “tragic” and leave Jack in an unhappy place. Will Jack Bauer, the invincible man, finally be killed?? No! Because after the show ends he will immediately get back to work again in not one but TWO 24 movie scripts that have been written.

And if weird comedy is more your thing, sadly The Sarah Silverman Program is being canceled by Comedy Central and will not be returning for a 4th season. Although the show was consistently funny (albeit in a bizarre and offensive way that might not be everyone’s cup of tea) it just didn’t get the viewers. They already had to wrangle Logo into paying for part of this season simply for rerun rights, so the move to after midnight on Comedy Central a couple months back might as well have been a death sentence. With no Sarah Silverman on our TVs, the amount of jokes about Bugles and poop is surely going to plummet. So sad.

Oh, also, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Lost is ending next week. No one seems to be talking about it.

The LA Times is a boon to all of us television watchers: they are tracking series renewals!  I am so far very excited to see Friday Night Lights (one of the most underrated shows on television, in my opinion) has been, against all odds, renewed!  FNL has the most honest and real depictions of relationships between people—actual people—on screen.  The mother/daughter dynamic between characters played by the indomitable Connie Britton and Aimee Teegarden can hit particularly close to home for anyone who’s been on either end of or witnessed a spat between mother and daughter.  Tune in to NBC for Season Four awesomeness, Friday nights at 8pm.

Glee has also been renewed for a second season, although after Tuesday’s lackluster episode, I’m not as excited as I once may have been.  Seriously, Rachel Berry, if you have tonsillitis, stay home from school!  Way to possibly infect everyone else!  It was exciting, though, to finally see a bit more of Santana Lopez and even hear her sing the awesome Monica/Brandy duet “The Boy is Mine” with Mercedes Jones.

America’s Next Top Model has been renewed as well—look for a white girl (or Asian, which has not yet happened, or Latina, which has happened only twice, if you consider Yoanna House to be Latina) to win next season after Krista White took home the Cycle Fourteen (!) title last night.  I can’t be the only person in the world to notice the winner is never the same race two seasons (or cycles, whatever, Tyra!) in a row.  You could argue that Whitney Thompson and McKey Sullivan are both white, but Whitney was also plus size (the only plus size winner so far, which is not particularly surprising).  Perhaps Tyra will go with some other gimmick next season—she’s done the season of shorties (er, petites), she’s had a fat girl win, what could be next?  An amputee?  A girl with a lazy eye?  A transgender woman?  An author who can ghost write her new fantasy series?  Just kill the series already, CW.  None of the winners become top models.  Or even successful models.

Check out the link (posted here and above) for the full, constantly updated list of what you can expect to see—and miss—on the major television networks next season.

-     This post brought to you by DIANA

This time last year, our Top 4 American Idol contestants were Adam Lambert, Allison Iraheta, Kris Allen and Danny Gokey. I may have only been rooting for Allison at the time, but there’s no question that all four of them were more charismatic and self-aware of their musical talents than this year’s Top 4 (with the exception of Crystal Bowersox, who can replace Danny Gokey any day in my book). Remember Adam and Allison’s effervescent, chemistry-crackling duet of “Slow Ride”? Their respective, individual performances of “Whole Lotta Love” and “Cry Baby”? Mamma mia, what a difference a year makes.

Last night, our humdrum Season 9 Top 4 gave disappointing solos (again, with exception of Crystal), but managed to semi-redeem themselves during their duets. Jamie Foxx returned to mentor and re-hashed the same shtick from last year (”I’m going to sit UNCOMFORTABLY close to your face as you sing” and “Hey male contestant, pretend I am a woman and try to seduce me. You’re giggling nervously? How unprofessional and unfocused you are!”). Cue the recap and watch the performance video clips (by MJ):

Lee DeWyze – “Kiss From A Rose” by Seal from Batman Forever: Whoa, (Nell)Lee! That was some kind of not-so-wonderful right here! Lee’s a good runner-up to Crystal, but that was some weak sauce singing! He seemed really out of breath and rushed, didn’t do anything to change up the melody or arrangement, and he was definitely off-key on more than one occasion. What’s the deal, Lee Dawg? Last week, he gave the strongest performance of the night. Last night? He delivered one of his worst songs of the season. Not a good time to drop the ball! The judges were extremely disappointed, but tried to buffer their criticism with “but you’re still great!” because they’re definitely pushing hard for a Final 2 of Crystal and Lee - no doubt! I was troubled when Lee said he thought the performance went well. What the eff? I expect Lee to know himself better and to admit when he has under-delivered. – VIDEO

Michael Lynche – “Will You Be There” by Michael Jackson from Free Willy: You’d think that having a gospel choir backing you on a song should be powerful and exquisite, but nay, t’was not. Like Lee, Micheal didn’t do anything to switch up the song or make it original. He just sang the notes pretty much exactly the same, but it was missing the emotion that Michael Jackson brought to it (remember that little “WOOO!” MJ gives at the end? RIP.). The judges felt like he was phoning it in and if he really wanted to make it to the finals, he should’ve challenged himself more and shown more creativity and artistry. – VIDEO

Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze – “Falling Slowly” by Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová from Once: Remember when Kris Allen sang this last year and the judges panned it because they thought the song was “too obscure”? Yes, let us keep that in mind when reviewing their critique for their blessed golden children, Crystal and Lee. Sure, I also want these two in the Finals, but why do the judges keep failing to mention Kris Allen this season when the situations demand it? They should have brought him up in comparison to Aaron Kelly’s terrible “Ain’t No Sunshine”, in comparison to Andrew Garcia’s lackluster acoustic rearrangements of hip hop songs, and definitely during last night’s critique of this song. They have Kris to credit for bringing the sweet indie track into the Idol universe when everyone else was singing “The Rose” or “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”. To be fair, the duet was great. But was it a revelation? I’unno about that. I would’ve loved to hear their voices harmonize more smoothly and for Crystal to go for the higher notes more often, but ce’st la vie. It had its moments. How irritating and vertigo-inducing was the camera work though?? I felt like I was trapped in the Spin Cycle of a laundry machine, being jolted clockwise/counter-clockwise/clockwise/counter-clockwise - you get the gist. I am over the producers trying to force-evoke emotions with ridiculous sweeping camera movements - JUST STAY STILL and let the performers deliver. The judges really loved it (it WAS featuring their clear favorites for Final 2, after all) and were gushing over what a fantastic song it was. Hm, a year ago, they were telling Kris it was a poor song choice… Kris Allen: winner of Season 8 and still getting no love… – VIDEO

Casey James – “Mrs. Robinson” by Simon and Garfunkle from The Graduate: Casey at least attempted to re-arrange this classic song and turn it into a slowed down bluegrass number, accompanied by his mandolin and planted in a sea of awkward teenaged girls. I appreciated his effort to do something different with the song, but it just didn’t work out. It didn’t enhance the song’s melody, lyrics or overall impact. *sad trombone* The judges also wanted to see Casey “do more” with it and connect to the song better. Ah well, he tried. - VIDEO

Crystal Bowersox – “I’m Alright” by Kenny Loggins from Caddyshack: The original version of “I’m Alright” is a standard, cheesy 80’s rock song (I mean Kenny Loggins, right? C’mon, he’s the master of such songs). Crystal turned it into an edgy, bluesy song and (perhaps jump-started by last week’s criticism that the judges wanted her to belt out more) she did not QUIT. Of course, the wonky camera angles kept obscuring her face because some morons in the pit were raising their arms to clap, making it look like they were clap-crushing Crystal’s face as she sang. Regardless, Mamasox kept it loose and raw, wailing from middle to end with her usual coy smile. Definitely the best of the night (though not her best ever). Still, combined with her duet with Lee, it was clear that Crystal topped the night. Ellen and Kara declared that she actually improved upon the original song. Simon is pleased and lets Crystal know by giving her a saucy wink. She’s back in the game. – VIDEO

Casey James and Michael Lynche – “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman” by Bryan Adams from Don Juan DeMarco: Oops, I happened to be washing dishes at this moment and, well, let’s be honest, I made zero effort to rush back to the TV for these two yokels (j/k, but I like that word: yokels). According to the judges’ comments, they did a very nice job and the duets were the best performances of the night. – VIDEO

Is this season of American Idol over yet? I could use some So You Think You Can Dance or even The Bachelorette to cleanse the palette of my Idol weary brain. Tonight, another one bites the dust. Flip a coin between Michael Lynche (and his baby-clapping hand whenever he waves to the camera) or Casey James. I’d prefer Big Mike leave. Slated to perform tonight are Fantasia Barrino, Bon Jovi and Chris Daughtry to sing his new single, “September”. Show these kids how it’s DONE, Fantasia and Daughtry!

Hollywood entertainers are always reaching out and trying new things, right?  The dancer becomes the singer becomes the actor becomes the poet.  The model becomes the wife (haha) becomes the actor, the boy band star becomes the porn star becomes the born again preacher.  Et cetera.  Always.  Should it come as a surprise, then, that Tyra Banks (model turned actor turned show host turned producer turned (failed) singer turned talk show host) is trying her hand at becoming an author?  No, probably not.  But Ty Ty Baby isn’t doing the ol’ Hollywood memoir, nosirree.  Her leap into the publishing world is a young adult fantasy novel, and part of a three-book deal with Random House (and the first novel from Bankable Books, because if it’s publishable, it’s brandable!).  What on earth can it possibly be about, you’re wondering?  Here it is, explained in Tyra’s own words:

“It’s for all the girls and guys who want a lot more FANTASY in their lives … and some fierceness and magic, romance and mystery, crazy and wild adventures, and yeah, some danger too.  It’s my novel called Modelland (pronounced “Model Land”) [ed note: pronounced Model Land? SHOCKER!] that takes you to a fantastical place you’ve never seen, or heard about, or read about before … Where dreams come true and life can change in the blink of a smoky eye.”

First of all, what?  And secondly…what?  Maybe Tyra was happy her talk show was canceled because now she has more time to be an author.  What a renaissance woman, we say!  Maybe we’ll see her incorporating some former America’s Next Top Model contestants into her series!  Or, at the very least, she can shoot potential book covers with next season’s contestants!  Way to keep the kids reading, Tyra.  You’re such a role model.

She’s baaacckkkk….

First off, I have to warn you that there is a terrifying picture of Gary Busey at the end of this post. Legally I have to issue a warning about any Busey related imagery. If you are pregnant, suffer from heart conditions, or have a chronic fear of men with horse-like mouths, please turn back.

Alright, on with the blog! From Star Search to Toddlers in Tiaras, reality TV has long been a place for selfish parents to exploit their children for the sake of vicariously shared fame and quite literally shared fortune. There was even that controversial show Kid Nation, where kids were left to live in a commune and be completely self-governed. Of course when it didn’t spiral into Lord of the Flies style madness with mud-coated, feral children worshiping pig heads on sticks, viewers lost interest. Oh well.

But the new trend in reality TV is to use your children to get YOU famous! The show will probably end up on TLC, but it’s something!

In news about our favorite reality TV mom we love to loathe, Kate Gosselin will dance for America one more time! Although I was thrilled to see her voted off Dancing With the Stars a few weeks back, I must admit I do kind of miss seeing a new terrible Kate dance make its way across the internet. Well we’re all in luck, because Kate announced via her blog (which I’m sure will be compiled into a crappy book to rush into stores soon enough) that she will be back for the late May finale! One more horrible dance for the road!

Apparently Precious star Gabourey Sidibe’s mom isn’t happy with just her daughter’s meteoric rise from nobody to Oscar nominee and is looking to get in on the action. Alice Tan Ridley, a New York City subway performer/R&B singer, tried out for America’s Got Talent and apparently did well with the judges. She’s probably a decent singer, but I somehow think her daughter has a bit to do with why they would keep her around. And who cares what they think now that Hasselhoff is gone. America’s Got Talent has 3 judges: 2 are British and one is Howie Mandel. They couldn’t find one American better suited to judge our nation’s talent than a guy who got famous by blowing a surgical glove up over his head and now points at pretty ladies holding briefcases?

And finally, what I warned you about: Gary Busey, 65, and his girlfriend just welcomed a new baby boy, Luke, into the world. Not only that, they are developing a reality show about their family and Gary’s role as a father/insane person. I know people like to speculate on what babies dream about, but I certainly know what baby Luke is having nightmares about. That face….

He’s wearing the most righteous tight red pants!

Ya’ll watched The Hills Tuesday night, right?  Don’t leave me hanging, bros!  Kristin Cavallari threw herself a housewarming barbecue, and all her little friends (as contractually obligated by MTV) attended.  We got to see heybro Brody Jenner with wingman Frankie Delgado in tow, dim bulb Audrina Patridge and her new boyfriend, famewhore Ryan Cabrera (whom she had to introduce as, “He’s a singer, a musician.  His name’s Ryan Cabrera,” because he’s totally 2004 and irrelevant and HOLY MOSES Audrina is probably better known at this point.) (and PS, didn’t he once reach for the sky and date Ashlee Simpson pre-nose job and pre-Pete Wentz?  Maybe I’m telling stories.).

This is about to turn into the most awkward party ever, guys. Anyz, Stephanie Pratt is there too, and Lo Bosworth is too (and she used to be awesome), but who cares, because the minute Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag show up, the show stops being The Hills and starts being The Breasts because Madre de Dios Heidi is wearing the most inappropriate barbecue outfit ever and I think it’s made of thousands of rubber bands.  Holy motherloving little apples, Heidi—I mean damn!  And then—then!  Audrina is like, “Nice dress,” which, really—what else can you say to a human Barbie?  And nobody but nobody wants to talk to Spencer (who, btdubs, is on some weird crystal kick and claims crystals have cured his rage blackouts, which as we see later in the episode is either clearly not true OR the man is far worse than even he realizes).  So, moving on, Audrina says “nice dress” and then Kristin is like “nice boobs” and they chat about how fragile Heidi still is, and then Audrina asks Heidi if she’s done with plastic surgeries, and Heidi says, “Well, I might want my boobs bigger because I want H’s for Heidi.”

That sound you just heard was my jaw repeatedly hitting the floor.  And then my head following.  And with all the crystal bling Spencer is sporting, I think he’s on his way to being the next L. Ron Hubbard or some other guru to the stars type nonsense.  Heidi might be his Tammy Faye Baker.

Also, Ry Cab goes in for a bro hug with Brody, and Brody gives him the cut direct (had to get a bit Regency there, sorry)!  So awesome.  Ry Cab does not look so good.  He looks like a troll doll.

Gawker posted an interesting article on why we should refrain from watching The Hills.  But really, Gawker, where was this op-ed three years ago?  The fame monster has won.

Not to beat a dead horse, but I have more news about Heidi Montag.  According to tabloid Life & Style, Heidi is upset her implants are not bigger, and is planning on having them enlarged in Europe in the next two months and film the process (not, one hopes, as part of The Hills).  Spencer’s flesh colored beard insists that he tries to stop her, but do we believe that?  Of course not.

Next week: the Brody/Audrina/Ry Cab love triangle (really?!?!?! Shouldn’t it be a square or a pentagon, with Avril Lavigne and/or Kristin in there?) triangulates, and Spencer calls Darlene (Heidi’s mom) “just a vagina.”  Um, awesome?

-This post brought to you by DIANA

Ring-a-ding-ding, these Idols don’t swing (zing!)…

Singer, songwriter, pianist, actor, wise guy, Harry Connick Jr., and his Big azz Band invaded American Idol last night for Frank Sinatra night. As this week’s mentor, Mr. Connick Jr. did his very best to use his charm, humor and talent to inject some pizzazzzzzz into our remaining five, sleepy contestants - with mixed results. Lee DeWyze came out on top with more self-assurance than we’ve seen in weeks. Big Mike was his usual hammy self, which served him well in a theme that is all about on-stage charisma. Check the recap and watch the performance video clips (by MJ):

Apparently, there’s more to Harry Connick Jr. than being “that dude married Grace on Will & Grace“). He’s a Renaissance man *polite applause* so he took on the task of mentoring PLUS conducting the band and playing piano on-stage with each contestant. – VIDEO

Aaron Kelly – “Fly Me to the Moon”: Another uninspired tune from little Aaron Kelly. He’s good at belting a big note once in awhile, but let’s face it: this kid is out of his league (he was long ago). He doesn’t offer anything exciting or fresh or interesting to his performances. I get that he’s “just a high school student!” but former teen Idol contestants like David Archuleta, Jordin Sparks and (my fave) Allison Iraheta brought plenty mo’ oomph and woot woot! to their performances. In fact, since Aaron has whittled away precious moments of my life with his bland renditions, I’m now going to use his section of this blog to encourage you to watch this wonderful duet between last year’s winner, Kris Allen, and Allison Iraheta. They were recently at a rally for Oprah’s “No Phone [while driving] Zone” rally and covered “The Scientist” by Coldplay.

It is divine: Kris’ earnest emotion, Allison’s smoking pipes, the hot honey-melting harmonies (check out that 3:10 mark!)… Daymn, I miss last season.

Oh right, back to Aaron. The judges are still babying him and patronizing him. Like “Wow, that wasn’t so bad, little guy! Here’s a pat on the head and a gold star sticker for your hand. A+ for effort, sweetie pie!” Ick. Just be honest with him, tell him it was amateur and let’s say farewell. – VIDEO

Casey James – “Blue Skies”: Can Casey keep the momentum going from last week’s moving Shania Twain cover (I can’t believe I just wrote that)? Yikes, unfortunately, NO. Casey looked fantastic with his dapper lavender dress shirt, slicked-back hair, rosy apple cheeks and blue eyes, but well, the rest of the performance was unsure. He sort of meandered around the stage and didn’t look or sound comfortable. Also, was he trying to “rearrange” the notes, or was he just off-pitch the whole time? The judges were on my side and disappointed in Casey. Kara said his nervous vibrato made him sound like a bleating lamb - OUCH (and “ha ha!”). Harry defended Casey by saying it was very difficult to hear over the band and that in rehearsal, Casey had killed it. But er, too bad it wasn’t during the live show. – VIDEO

Crystal Bowersox – “Summer Wind”: Ooh lala, Crystal looked gorgeous in her “mermaid” dress. That hippie chick cleans up nice. Right nice. As usual, she delivered the song with a gentle, easy, lilting tone. She had impeccable phrasing of the lyrics to deliver the most emotional impact, but musically, it may have been too understated for the judges and audience. Yep, the judges (as usual) adored her, but admit they were underwhelmed. They liked when she hit bigger notes toward the end and Simon encouraged her to start showing more passion and be “in it to win it”. Crystal showed a little MamaSox sass and said she didn’t want to just belt out a song because she could. She wanted to stay true to the song’s message and tone. True that, true that. – VIDEO

Michael Lynche – “The Way You Look Tonight”: Want an example of someone who is “in it to win it”? Apparently this guy: Big Mike. You can’t beat this classic song, and Mike performed it well, with the swagger it deserved, nice vocals and all the while dressed to the nines (although that hat was a wee small for his gargantuan noggin). The judges were over the moon that he stepped it up and felt he was stronger than the previous three contestants. Of course, I’ve probably made it clear that he seems too full of himself to sway votes from me. Yes, he’s a solid contender, but I still want my final 2 to be Crystal and Lee. Mike deserves to be in the Top 3 though. – VIDEO

Lee DeWyze – “That’s Life”: Well, hello Mr. DeWyze! In a rare performance, Lee actually looked comfortable while he was performing. Or at least the most comfortable I’ve seen him in ages. Though we associate Lee with rock, he did an excellent job in channeling the essence of a swanky, strolling Sinatra. Harry Connick Jr. did wonders with him! The judges quickly cast Big Mike aside and declare that Lee could win the whole show! Oooh, Crystal better turn up the heat because she’s falling into Lee’s shadow. I’d love to see a Top 2 with them. They’re both likable and talented but very different. Me like. – VIDEO

Let’s be honest that this season is pretty blahhhh. Lee and Crystal have their moments, but whereas last year’s contestants brought raw power and energy - like a buxom, trousers-wearing lady galloping on horseback - this season’s crew have the combined personality of a frail, anemic damsel in distress on the railroad tracks. It’s just not as compelling. Frowny face

C’est la vie. I believe it’s definitely time for Aaron Kelly to go home. Tune in to American Idol tonight to find out if my dream comes true! Also, we’ll be treated to Lady Gaga, who will perform “Alejandro”. Will she make my eyes explode? I hope so! Harry Connick Jr. will also sing, but who the hell cares when Gaga’s in the HAUS (German)!?

Ke$ha: apparently a timeless icon

I’m a bit tardy to the party (thanks, Real Housewives of Atlanta!), but must ask this burning question: why did The Simpsons feel it must pay tribute to Ke$ha and her irritating song TIK TOK with Sunday’s most recent episode?  Yes, I’m old.  Get off my lawn!  Of all the musical artists to pay tribute to by bypassing Danny Elfman’s iconic theme song, The Simpsons decided to go with Ke$ha?  Twenty years of episodes, thousands of episodes, and the producers choose Ke$ha.  Perhaps they’re trying to pull in a younger fanbase?  It was kind of weird and didn’t really have anything to do with the episode.  Perhaps it will lead to other pop songs replacing the famous theme—some Madonna, perhaps?  A little Gaga, a bit of Britney?  Oh, snap—Glee’s already got that covered!

Speaking of all things real and housewife, Real Housewives of New Jersey started up again last night.  It’s pretty much the same as last season, except Jacqueline Laurita has had a baby and Teresa Giudice is now heavily pregnant with one.  Danielle Staub (aka Beverly Ann Merrill) is still on the show purely to stir up drama, as none of the other housewives want anything to do with her.  It should be one hell of a season!

This is also tardy (but still appalling!): Spencer Pratt, of The Hills and the freaky flesh-colored beard, has teamed up with Jersey Shore’s Snooki’s ex-boyfriend (still following?) Emilio Masella to produce a new reality dating show—starring Emilio Masella—called Fist Pumping for Love.  No joke.  Masella is looking for “a real guidette who can speak Italian, so we are prepared to take my search from Hollywood, California, to the streets of Howard Beach in Queens, New York,” he told People.com.  Fist Pumping for Love?  I’m sorry, I rolled my eyes so hard that for a few minutes there I was temporarily blind.  Must…stifle…so many filthy comments coming to mind!  If there’s one thing both these douche lords know about, it’s riding someone’s coattails to fame!  I’m sure the crème de la crème of the Italian-American communities across the United States will come out to audition for this one.

Bret Michaels has been discharged from the Arizona hospital where he’s been receiving treatment!  Huzzah!  His doctor, Dr. Joseph Zambraski, said Bret is no longer in critical condition and has been moved to a new undisclosed location to continue his recovery (maybe because of his fans stalker-like tendencies, to which we at Square Eyes are not immune!).  Let’s hope his health continues to improve, and that he or Sharon Osbourne win Celebrity Apprentice.

In news that only teen girls will find interesting and probably wildly disputable, Justin Bieber is a complete and utter freaking moron.  I always thought he was Canadian (and actually, I don’t really know who he is—he sings, right?  Or is he an actor? Hey you kids, get off my lawn!), but this clip kind of confirms that he is, lo and behold, a true patriotic American:

As you have surely heard by now, Conan O’Brien gave his first interview since leaving The Tonight Show to 60 minutes last night and displayed 2 things: 1) He is still reaallyyy bummed about the way things went down, and 2) An interview with someone who has a non-disparagement agreement with their former employer isn’t a whole lot of fun. Several times throughout the interview a pained expression would creep over Conan’s face, or he would break into an eerie laughter, knowing that he was unable to truly speak his mind. In regards to Leno, he did go as far as to say he never would have done what the big-chinned one did, commenting that he hopes Jay is happy with his decision and can sleep well at night. I’m assuming without a potential lawsuit hanging over his head Coco would have wished the worst possible fate upon Leno: his warehouse full of old-timey cars collapsing. He obviously loves those more than any human being.

In other Coco news, some sources are claiming that Max Weinberg (Conan’s longtime band-leader, who is conspicuously missing from the live tour) is on the outs with Conan. Some are saying he even briefly entertained the idea of replacing Jay Leno’s exiting band-leader Kevin Ewbanks on his newly reclaimed Tonight Show, something that Conan obviously was none too pleased with. I personally don’t believe that last part, but I can see Max leaving talk shows to tour with Bruce Springsteen for good. He is The Boss after all.

In tiny nerd news, Robot Chicken creator Seth Green married actress Clare Grant over the weekend. No, the fact that Seth Green is involved alone isn’t what makes it nerdy. What makes it extremely nerdy is that they got married on Skywalker Ranch, home of Star Wars production company LucasFilm. I guess when you’re in movies your bride-to-be will overlook things like that in favor of the big picture. Because I somehow don’t think having Han Solo in Carbonite as a serving table was a part of Clare Grant’s dream wedding. I can only assume they are honeymooning in William Shatner’s summer home.

You know how sometimes an actor/actress so perfectly embodies a role that you can’t help but think: “This is the part they were born to play”? I believe that Lindsay Lohan may have finally found hers: porn star Linda Lovelace in the upcoming film Inferno. Given the booze and cocaine fueled scene of the 70’s porn scene (at least what I gather from watching Boogie Nights way too many times) Lindsay should find herself right at home!

Lindsay Lohan researching her new role before she ever knew it existed