Fun fact about me: I LOVE a good courtroom sketch, especially when celebrities are involved.  I wish the paparazzi consisted of fine artists who followed stars around with easels and and the medium of their choice (might I suggest watercolors?).  Life would be so much more culturally enriching!

I think this is a particularly good one, by seasoned arraignment artiste Jane Rosenberg:

Backstory: Talk show host and America’s Next Top Model judge Tyra Banks took the stand earlier this week at the Manhattan Criminal Court to testify against 39-year-old Brady Green who had been stalking her and her staff.  Green supposedly called and visited Tyra’s studio on numerous occasions, sent her flowers and letters, and threatened employees.

In usual badass form, Tyra testified that she feared for the safety of herself and her staff.  Green was subsequently convicted of stalking, harassment, criminal trespass and attempted aggravated harassment, and faces 90 days in jail.

You go, Tyra!  Stomach in, chest out, smile with your eyes and TESTIFY!

Ooh la la!

The Bosh reports that actress Kate Hudson might be guest starring on The CW’s 90210 sometime soon.  She’s apparently good friends with Sara Foster, who plays character Naomi Clark’s older sister, Jen, and also a huge fan of Beverly Hills, 90210.

I sort of doubt a big star like Hudson would waste her time taking on a guest role on a small potatoes show like 90210 based on nostalgia… though I guess Diablo Cody was down!

Assuming this is true, who do you think Kate would play?  She’s too old to be a high schooler, so… love interest to an older cast member (Kelly swears off men?)?  Aunt Becky Debbie Wilson’s hip younger sister (total free spirit hippie type doi?)?  Harry’s sexy temptress secretary (omgah just like with Jim Walsh?)?

The possibilities are endless!  Oh, and p.s., if Kate decides to back out, I’m totally down to portray any of the hypothetical characters listed above.

Swine flu is SO HOT RIGHT NOW!

Even my favorite publicity whores, The Hills‘ Heidi and Spencer, have jumped on board with some trendy preventive measures of their own.  They’re nothing if not always relevant:

To the left, Speidi honeymooning on the beaches of swine-infested Mexico.

Directly above, Speidi sneaking in a smooch on their way back into the states at LAX.

Stay safe, you two!

But on the serious tip, folks, we here at Square Eyes want everyone to stay safe and swine-free.  On that note, I’ve decided to include a short educational video on swine flu prevention for everyone out there with questions:

Ha.  JK, that ain’t serious, that’s just Stephen Colbert joking around, last night on The Colbert Report.  What’s with the Susan Boyle ref, btw?  If that was a Susie slam, I’m NOT AMUSED.

But anyway.  Swine flu is WAY cooler than anthrax and SARS put together, am I right?  And small pox? PUH-lease!  Not even in the running!  Even the black plague pales in comparison!  Every epidemic needs a good mascot, and there ain’t nothin’ cuter than a piglet sneezing.

Sorriez if you’ve got it, dudes!  Feel better!

Eek!  Us Weekly has got the scoop!

The magazine’s got photos of Jon Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus 8 leaving a club at 2 a.m. with a mystery woman… SANS WEDDING RING!

He was overheard yelling, “Hey, babe! Babe! Give me my jacket!” and “Get in the car!” before climbing into his Nissan Nismo and speeding off with his unnamed ladyfriend in tow.

Here’s what Jonny has to say about it:

“I went to Legends to speak to the owner. A friend of mine wanted to check out my car, so I let her drive it to her car.  Yes, I have female friends — but that is all she is.  I’m not going to end my friendships just because I’m on TV.”

Hmm, not sure who to believe.  This isn’t the first time Jon’s been accused of wrongdoings, after all.  As you’ll recall, he was accused of engaging in some extramarital canoodling just about a month ago, too.  He denied the allegations at the time, too.

Yowza!  Will it be Jon & Kate Plus 8 Minus 1 in the near future?

Or perhaps a post-divorce spin-off: Jon Plus Date.  LOLZ!

Hmph.  I don’t know about y’all, but in my honest opinion, if you’ve got eight babies and a TV show, you shouldn’t be out clubbing until 2 a.m, cheating or no cheating.

Are you kidding me, Jon Minus Kate & 8?!  Get ready for eight serious therapy bills to pay in about five years or so, your kids are gonna have some ridonkulous daddy issues.

Britain’s Got Talent superstar Susan Boyle continues to inspire!  Most recently, rumor has it the singer, nicknamed “the hairy angel” by the U.K. press (wtf?!), might have her rags-to-riches story translated into both a book and a movie.  Makes sense, I guess; people are fascinated by this Boyle babe.

Kinda confusing: Catherine Zeta-Jones supposedly wants to buy the rights to the Boyle biopic and play the phenomenon in the film.  She was inspired by Boyle’s appearance on Britain’s Got Talent, and wants to be the one to portray her on the big screen.

Call me crazy, but I think I’d find Catherine Zeta-Jones hard to take seriously as a pleasantly plump 47-year-old unemployed woman whose never been kissed.

To be honest, I don’t buy Catherine Zeta-Jones in any role.  How do you cast a babe that beautiful?  She’s totally not believable as Michael Douglas’s wife, for one.  She’ll likely have to play an actress (see: America’s Sweethearts) or like, Helen of Troy in every movie to convince me, cuz regular person she ain’t.

SO RELEVANT!

David Caruso of CSI: Miami, in a very topical cartoon.  Bless his heart.

[Digg]

Wait, am I on drugs? Did I miss the memo that “American Idol Rat Pack night” actually meant “Opposite Day“?

Cuz maybe that would explain why: Paula Abdul’s dress was inside-out, I totally disagreed with Simon’s critiques (panning Kris and Allison and pimping Danny and Matt) and Randy stated that this is just a singing competition and connection to the audience isn’t really that big of a deal. What the franks?

Kris Allen - The Way You Look Tonight (VIDEO): Wow, Kris tried to really sex it up because his notes were soooo sloooowww annnnd breaaathyyy. I guess his fans will love that though, so way to know your audience, Allen. I, however, was overly distracted by his funny little mustache. *chants* “Shave it! Shave it!” He’s also still singing out of the side of his mouth like Popeye, but some things will never change (shaving the pre-adolescent stache CAN be swiftly remedied though).

Allison Iraheta - Someone to Watch Over Me (VIDEO): Awww, this lil gal is too cute and awkward (cuawk-ward!) to keep getting overlooked! Sadly, things don’t look good for Miss Allison if the holy trinity of Adam, Danny and Kris stays strong. I thought tonight was a huge improvement on Allison’s ‘image’ because the producers showed more of her dorky, self-deprecating personality. She’s just a wee youngster and pretty immature, but that’s what makes the maturity of her performances stand out even more, especially when she softens up for ballads like this. IMO, she could’ve dialed down some of the notes for a smoother feel (is her voice getting scratchier lately?) and simmered on all the “H” sounds before it got too Stewie “Cool hhWhip” Griffin (”Someone to hhh’watch hh’over me”), but overall it was an excelente performance and she looked fantastic (loved the dress & black/burgundy hair).

Matt Giraud - My Funny Valentine (VIDEO): Matty Timberlake still hasn’t impressed me. Matt fans, it’s safe to say you should stop trying to convince me to like him cuz (get ready for overused phrase of 2009) it is what it is. I’m just not that into him. Matt won Simon over (WHAT? For that messy, pitchy performance?), but Randy gave some negative feedback that sounded something like, “Yo, for me… *Peanuts trombone adult noise* For ME… *waungh waungh waungh* for me, dawg.” I was amused when Kara said Matt “wasn’t the leader of the pack and lacked emotional connection” - to which he replied in a complete monotone of feigned shock: “What.” Way to fight for yourself, Giraud.

Danny Gokey - Come Rain Come Shine (VIDEO): Wow, I must’ve really missed something here because I didn’t connect to Danny at all on this song. It didn’t feel genuine or fit his voice. Even when he “took it to church” at the end, he just became Shouty McGrowly as ushz and the melody/tone didn’t translate. The judges totally disagreed with me though and Randy stated that it doesn’t matter for the Idols to “connect to the audience” or have personality because the show’s only about singing. That goes against everything the judges have ever told contestants and I declare it as stupid.

Adam Lambert - Feeling Good (VIDEO): Is it necessary for him to stick his tongue allllll the way out of his mouth for the belting notes? Personally, hearing Adam’s rendition just made me want to hear Michael Buble’s version instead (VID). You know, this guy pretty much has it in the bag, so I’m just trying to accept it and start acclimating my ear drums to those freakishly shrill notes. I can’t wait til it’s 2020 and we all look back on Adam as one of those people who was just SO trendy that he embodies one or two years before becoming outdated (”Ohmigod, Adam Lambert. Remember him and his flat-ironed, black/blue-dyed hair and sweeping bangs?? He was sooo 2009!”). Sometimes Adam has this nervous grit-teeth smile that makes me really uncomfortable for him. Especially when he’s listening to the judges and follows up with his standard, ever-so-gentle replies of, “*chuckle* Thanks, it was fun. I had fun.” Man, he’s kind of a bore when he isn’t performing.

So who’s at the bottom? Matt and Danny for me, but I worry for Allison y’all. Can we keep her in so she can have a chance at the Rock theme next week? Kthanksbye. Catch American Idol to find out what happens!

Whoa! Following countless rumors that Sex and the City star Sarah Jessica Parker and hubby Matthew Broderick were splitting up, the pair comes out with this instead.  Or specifically, their publicist does.  The statement:

“Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are happily anticipating the birth of their twin daughters later this summer with the generous help of a surrogate.”

BOING!  Babies?!  TWINS?! Surrogate?!  Wha?!

This really won’t help out the Broderick-is-gay/SJP-is-his-beard rumors, if you ask me.  Yo Broderick, sorry you couldn’t muster up the energy to knock up ole butterface on your own!

And the divorce rumors?  Hey SJP, nice last ditch effort to keep your babyfaced gay hubby locked down!

Jokes aside, I do wish the pair all the best, especially since they’ve got a cute li’l 6-year-old named James Wilkie at home, and they seem totes classy and smart in general.

However - twin girls?  With that horseface and skeletal frame and those bug eyes and no-tooth smile, they’re gonna wind up with a bonafide pair of Olsen Twins.  Grody!

Bueller?

LOLZ!  Poor Lisa Rinna!

Following her ridiculously pathetic campaign to get on The CW’s upcoming Melrose Place update, Lisa is reneging.

Here’s what she told Entertainment Weekly:

“I don’t think I wanna go back anymore. Seriously, I watched some old tapes recently — Harry [Hamlin, her husband] and I were going through stuff. It doesn’t feel right! It feels weird. I’ve changed my mind. You can’t go back!”

Lippy Lisa played character Taylor McBride from 1996-98 on the original series.  I guess she’s no longer in any mood to reprise the role.

What, did she JUST find out the show was crappy?

I call sour grapes!  Shenanigants!  I assume she didn’t get the call she was hoping for and is now doing some back-pedaling.  All’s fair in love and Melrose Place, Lisa.

Can’t she just join the cast of Courtney Cox’s Cougar Town or something?  Throw this woman a bone, someone.

Hello Gossip Girl fans!  Now, I know many of you will disagree with me, but last night’s episode has left me feeling refreshed!  Finally, 18 different plotlines thrown at me in the course of one hour that I can really sink my teeth into!  On with the show…

So basically, Serena’s toothy new bf Gabriel is always running off and not hanging out with her, which obviously means he’s got something to hide, not that he’s got a full-time job.  Blair is totally suspicious (North Caroliar, she calls him!) and teams up with Chuck to figure out ’sup.

Meanwhile!  Nate’s getting all possessive of Blair, which is weird cuz, 1) remember how he was all up on Serena the first time around?, 2) hey! should we pretend Vanessa never happened? EASY, THANKS!, and 3) what’s the point? The only thing they ever talk about is whether or not they trust each other.  Nate even goes as far as buying an apartment between Columbia and NYU (LDR!), on account of he’s freaked out that Blair is hanging with Chuck again and Blair won’t take the subway.

Alt-rock dad Rufus is freaking out cuz he’s got no money to send his kids to college, and no one’s buying his crappy art gallery.  He confides all this in Vanessa, which is starting to wear me out, because they’re always giving each other the sexy eyes.  For a feminist, Vanessa is seriously bad at not flirting with misogynists.  Though, eh, maybe it’s a reclaiming sort of thing, like when gay guys call each other the f word or African-Americans use the n word.  OMFG NSFW!

Okay, so then ooooobviously toothy Gabe’s schemin’ on Serena and her wealth with his ladyfriend Poppy Lifton behind everyone’s back, but he throw a decoys into the mix by pretending to tell Poppy to eff off even though she threatens to pull all his investors when Chuck and Blair try to corner him.  Serena’s all awwwww you’re kewl with being poor?  SO ROMANTIC.  She loves herself a good impoverished boyfriend.

Then Serena convinces all the rich people at her mom’s fancy party to invest in toothy Gabe’s company, which is basically the Internet for poor people.  Hurrah!  Rufus tries to get in on the investing mix because he heard the Internet’s good for you, and Gabe’s all, As if! Keep the $3.15 in your bank account and buy yourself an everlasting gobstopper or something.  But Rufus is determined!

Where the eff has Dorota been, you guys?  Polska?

Meanwhile, Blair knows in her heart that toothy Gabe’s schemin’, on account of he says he met Serena at Butter before the SATs, which is impossible, cuz Blair had closed down the bar that night for her Nelly Yuki takedown party (LOVE that detail, btw).  Blair enlists Chuck to help her figure it out, and he tells her they have to find Georgina to get the full story.  Blair chooses plotting with Chuck over seeing her new pad with Nate, which is obviously the correct decision.

Let’s wrap this up, folks.  Dan gets drunk with Vanessa and they tell each other secrets no one cares about.  Chuck finds a bright-eyed Georgina at Jesus Camp looking more like a horse than usual and brings her back to Manhattan even though she’s been saved.  Serena figures out that toothy Gabe is probs indeed a North Caroliar and leaves him a voicemail.  Rufus will likely be the only one screwed in his investment with toothy Gabe, because he’s so, so dumb.  CLIFFHANGER!

PS: Where’s Gossip Girl to blog about all this?  She would’ve spotted all this schemin’ a mile away.

What do you think?  Was anyone as enthralled as I was?

Can’t wait for next week!  xoxo!