Today, a special treat for all you Square Eyes readers: a 24 haiku by Mr. Alphonso Michaels, with visuals by artistic director Amanda Zamir. We’re hoping this’ll become a weekly series.

Renee and Jack win

Sean was Dubaku’s vile spy

Tony shady, why?

Did everybody watch 30 Rock last night?  Who cares, it was a boring one.  Let’s not talk about it.

You know what’s NOT boring, though?  How everyone thinks Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal sounds like Kenneth from 30 Rock.  Cracks me UP!

So here’s what happened.  Basically, the Lou-Gov offered up the Republican response to President Obama’s address to Congress earlier this week, and was met with a kajillion and a half comparisons to Jack McBrayer, who plays Kenneth the Page on the Rock.  The Internets went NUTS with clicks n comments n boop boop beep boop.

Judge for yourself!  Here the first bit of Jindal’s speech:

I don’t get what the big deal is, personally.  Sounds sim, I guess.  MY governor, on the other hand, is a straight up DEAD RINGER for the dude from the Terminator movies.

Hyuck hyuck hyuck just a li’l California humor.  We’re really laid-back here, ya know?

So anyway.  Jack McBrayer went on the still-online-only Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to offer a response to the Internet response to the Republican response to the President’s address to Congress.

Check out his response to all the Internet hoo-ha:

Hilars!  That guy’s schtick never gets old.

P.S. I’m kind of impressed that Jimmy Fallon (formerly of SNL, rememb?) had the savvy to address an Internet rumor on his show.  Meanwhile, Leno and Letterman are all, Internet who?

2 Kudos, Fallon.

Not too surprisingly, Carla Hall (my Top Chef favorite) didn’t win the title of “Top Chef” in this week’s finale. BUT what made the finale a complete buzzkill was that:

1) against her better judgment, Carla didn’t stick to her guns and changed her menu based on suggestions from her sous chef Casey. And man, she was kicking herself for that…*tear*

2) Stefan lost to Hosea Rosenberg. I know Stefan is a prick, but he won sooo many challenges all season and deserved to win the war even though Hosea won the last battle.

Dub me Admiral Sighs VonDisappointington. Poor Carla, poor Stefan.

But in true Hootie Hoo spirit, there’s a silver lining! If you’re a fan of Carla, you can vote her to be the Top Chef fan favorite here:

http://www.bravotv.com/top-chef/fan-favorite

(Image courtesy of Wonkette)

Time to reward Ms. Hall for competing with integrity & luuuuv and give her the $10,000 prize! Here’s hoping next week’s Top Chef reunion won’t leave me with indigestion (har, har!).

Have you heard?

Rumor has it Brittany Snow will be playing young Lily van der Woodsen in the upcoming Gossip Girl spin-off.  The show will follow Serena’s mom as a young girl in 1980’s Los Angeles.

Brittany Snow who, you ask?  She’s the chick with the big eyes who was in that American Dreams show, and other stuff you haven’t seen.  Pretty decent casting, I’d say, even though Snow’s a bit more smooshfaced than Kelly Rutherford.  I’m eager to see it.

BONUS RUMOR: No Doubt will reportedly be performing on the Gossip Girl finale May 11th.  Reunited, and it feels so good!  Crazy, right?  This is where 8th grade Kat and grown-up Kat high five. Gossip Girl totally gets us.

Let’s just hope the drummer doesn’t wear diapers.  Blair Waldorf would be so weirded out.  xoxo!

Hey!  Remember the time I predicted Jewel would win the next Dancing With the Stars?

Dios mio! Turns out I suck at predicting.  My girl recently blogged that she’s got tendonitis in her knees and might have to quit.

My logic that Alaskans are scrappy was faulty.  Jewel’s no maverick, y’all. Who in their right mind would bet on an Alaskan in a post-Palin era?  Why am I such a dum-my?

History repeats itself AGAIN.  When will you learn, Kat?

In the meantime: Li’l Kim FTW!

Finally! I’ve been “meh” about the American Idol potentials so far (still not feeling front-runner Danny Gokey for some reason), but last night gave me a tentative favorite in 16-year-old, flame-haired oddball Allison Iraheta. If I had my way, the 3 to move on would be Allison Iraheta, Adam Lambert and Mishavonna Henson. Catty thoughts on last night’s performances below:

Starting at the top, left-right:

Jasmine Murray (“Love Song” by Sarah Bareilles) - What a shame this cute lil Mo’nique look-alike didn’t impress. I actually was away from the TV while she sang, but what I heard was not good. It’s official: American Idol hates Sarah Bareilles. Last week she got dissed by Ann Marie Boskovich and this week her song gets a manglin’.

Matt Giraud (”Viva La Vida” by Coldplay) -They call him “dueling pianos guy”, which means nothing to me. His performance was way breathy-nervous and off-key. Too stiff, lots of forced knee-squatting and toe-tapping to the beat. And his face fits somewhere between Justin Timberlake (let me finish before you get excited), Michael Phelps and Jason Segel. *shudder*

Jesse Langseth (”Bette Davis Eyes” by Kim Carnes) - I forgot how great this song is. Jesse tried, but wasn’t good enough since I glazed over and decided I’d rather hear Allison Iraheta sing it. Or at least the decent Gwyneth Paltrow cover from the movie “Duets”. Voice aside, Jesse would benefit from some bangs because that’s quite a forehead on her.

Nick Mitchell (”And I’m Telling You” by Jennifer Holliday) - More commonly known as his flamboyant alter-ego, “Norman Gentle“, this duncecap is a complete waste of airtime, IMO. Basically, Nick Mitchell doesn’t have the balls to be himself and sing (probably because he wouldn’t impress), so he goes over-the-top with this whiny, Richard Simmons-esque character named Norman (who can’t sing anyway!). Maybe I’m alone (with Simon) but this “personality” isn’t amusing - he’s grating and just rolls around in bermuda shorts and a disco top. I’m not a serious American Idol fan, but I also don’t think it’s fair that a lot of these kids are truly talented and passionate about winning and “Norman Gentle” is just a terrible joke. If he makes it through, I hope the others get Lord of the Flies on his ass.

Mishavonna Henson (”Drops of Jupiter” by Train) - I thought she did a good job with the song, but the judges found her “old” and blah. I wouldn’t mind if she made it to the next round though.

Adam Lambert (”Satisfaction” by The Rolling Stones) - Meatloaf. That’s who I thought of while Adam was waiiiiiling to “Satisfaction” (alike in voice, not in looks). Adam’s interesting to watch with this rock persona he has going on. Though after seeing a clip of him get all musical theatrical-y in Wicked, his rocker credibility-ometer plummeted for me. He’s talented though and was a definite stand-out last night… Aren’t you proud that I didn’t mention his unfortunate skin?

Allison Iraheta (”Alone” by Heart) - The show keeps reminding us that cherry-colored hair Allison is “just 16 years old!” Her age showed in her uncomfortable interview with Ryan Seacrest where she came off weird and goofy - with a Natasha Lyonne vibe (whatever happened to her, btw?). But I thought “Alone” was a perfect song for her voice and she had excellent stage presence - she smashed it (as Shane Sparks says on America’s Best Dance Crew). I’ll root for her over golden boy Danny Gokey fo sho! It turns out she’s a seasoned pro though: in 2006, Allison was a 14-year-old braceface and still won Telemundo’s singing competition Quinceanera.

Kris Allen (”Man in the Mirror” by Michael Jackson) - His voice was ok, but the words “vanilla” and “milquetoast” came to mind. *yawn* He’s so cute in the face parts, but it didn’t compensate for his blah performance, his chaste, close-kneed bouncing and his distracting twiddle-y fingers on the microphone. Sooo distracting (it’s a mic, not a trumpet, Kris!).

Megan Joy Corkrey (”Put Your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae) - Another weird dancer in the house! I thought Megan was way too odd with her twitchy waist-twisting, hand-flappy dance moves. It’s like every time there was a pause in the lyrics she was at a loss of what to do with herself so she’d throw in a few bizarre moves to fill in the space. “Girl put your records on *twist-twist* Tell me your favorite song *flap-flap* Just go ahead let your hair down *spazz-twist-flap-jerk*” She has a chance of making it through though because her voice is unique and she has a pretty face.

Kai Kalama (”What Becomes of the Brokenhearted” by Jimmy Ruffin) - I was bored by him and his furrowed-eyebrow, lip-sneer singing face.

Jeanine Vailes (”This Love” by Maroon 5) - Hm, yeah. This was also not good.  Which is too bad beacuse Jeanine seems to have a fun personality. And adding insult to injury had to be the judges’ comments, “You won’t be a singer, but you have really hot legs.” I’m surprised no one slapped her on the booty shorts and asked her to grab them a cup of coffee on her way out.

Matt Breitzke (”If You Could Only See” by Tonic) - Putting him in the Michael Sarver category of “hefty blue collar worker with a heart and voice of gold”, everyone expected more from Matt. Sadly, he was pretty zero on energy level, and for a rock song like that, he looked like he was literally moving in slow motion - like he was ever so gently treading through a pool of warm pudding. To be fair, Michael Sarver is a much stronger singer, and deserves to be in the Top 12 more.

Here’s hoping America isn’t stupid and votes Nick “Norman Gentle” Mitchell in. Watch American Idol tonight to find out which 3 make it through, or catch it online later here!

A congratulations is in order this morning for The Simpsons!   Fox has renewed the animated series for another two seasons, paving the way for it to become the longest running primetime TV series.  OF ALL TIME, PEOPLE!!!  The show debuted in 1990.

Gunsmoke has held the the record for a while now, with 20 years on the air (1955-1975). The Simpsons and Law & Order have been neck-in neck, until now.  It’s unlikely the L&O will outlast The Simpsons at this point.

As someone who stopped watching The Simpsons on a regular basis 10+ years ago (though I don’t look a day over 25, I swear!), I’ve gotta say I’m still really pleased it’s still on.  I like that it’s always there, like an ageless yellow-faced, googly-eyed friend, waiting for me to tune in at my leisure.  No pressure, man, it’s cool.  Just drop by whenever you feel like it.

Which is more than I can say about my OTHER yellow-faced, googly-eyed friend, Spencer Pratt.  Hate that guy.

Ha, get it?

All you diehard Square Eyes fans (HI AGAIN, MOM!) may have noticed there hasn’t been much Gossip Girl on the site in a while.  Well, that’s not cuz the fire in my heart has been extinguished or whaeva.  It’s on account of the GG being on straight up HIATUS for the month of Febs!

In the meantime, I’ve been scraping el Interneto for Gossip Girl gossips.  SPOILER ALERT: I love spoiler alerts.

Today I found a good tidbit on the E! Online Watch With Kristen blog.  Peep this update on the return of donkeyfaced Georgina to the Upper East Side:

“According to our spies, the big Chuck-Georgina reunion happens in the park when Chuck comes upon a group of oddly dressed people at a log cabin. The assembled young people are all wearing T-shirts that read “OMJC,” and one asks Chuck, “Are you a wayward soul in search of direction?” Right about then a hippie-looking, creepy, smiley and altogether weird-seeming Georgina pops up and asks if Chuck’s been saved as well.”

OMJC?  Obviously has to do with Jesus Christ (just in time for Lent!), right?  Dunno!  A quick Google search yielded OMJC, a traffic equipment company. Way better, no?

But back to business.  Georgina in a cult?  Would Gossip Girl scrape to the bottom of THAT barrel for a storyline?

Yes.  Because Gossip Girl is kind of like the East Coast Sweet Valley High book series for the new generation, and Sweet Valley High was def not above tackling that issue.  Totally hope somebody falls in love with a blind girl at some point, btdubs.

Gossip Girl’s back on March 16th with new eps.  In the meantime, keep hangin’ on with all this sweet, sweet waiting.  xoxo!

This is weird.

48-year-old Julia Louis-Dreyfus, of Seinfeld and The New Adventures of Old Christine, on the cover of Shape magazine’s April 2009 issue.

I don’t know about y’all, but seeing Julia Louis-Dreyfus’s midriff weirds me out.  It’s like seeing your mom on the cover of Maxim or something.  My mom’s a total babe or whatevs, but it doesn’t mean I want her in a bikini all over newsstands!  Quit ogling my hot mom, dudes, she’s spoken for (by my DAD!!!)!

That said, Julia Louis-Dreyfus is looking great!  You can read her interview with Shape here.  xoxo!

Not that I care, but the trailer for the fifth season of The Hills is out and about on the interwebs.

Please, for the love of blogs, let this be the final season.  Check it out:

My absolute favorite part is how LC’s tarot card reader basically just summarizes the plot of The Hills for her.  You had this horse-faced friend… who was your best friend even though the two of you had absolutely nothing to talk about… and the two of you were torn apart by a man with a flesh-colored beard and eyes like ping pong balls…

Hey crazy lady, we paid good money for this!  At LEAST tell us sup with that sex tape or, at the very least, what happened to Heidi’s dog Bella from season one.

Sigh.